Uncomfortable Extrapolation

This is a more adult themed post so dear reader you should be of age and shoo away any kids who may be reading over your shoulder. And that also means you, minor, trying to read this post despite any prohibition I might set up. I won’t work under the conditions of you reading me against my will. I won’t. Back to the adults. Only you may keep reading.

Yeah I know only the good kids will observe my prohibition against them. The bad? Well all we can do is slow them down. Hopefully enough so they don’t learn everything till they’re of age. So I can continue pontificating about it, thus slowing them down more. Pontificating. Perhaps you should look that word up, young one. It could be a naughty word.

Okay, perhaps I can explain my points without being too graphic. Television’s Dr. Oz has a little tidbit of information. He tries to tell it in a positive way. ‘Men,’ he says [I’m paraphrasing so I’m not using the normal quotes], ‘if you lose 35 pounds of fat, you will gain an inch’. (Hey kids, maybe it’s an inch of height.)

Well, let’s follow this logic the other way. That means for every excess thirty-five pounds a man has he loses an inch. So let’s extrapolate that out to a man gaining an excess of 210 pounds. Now, look, that is totally possible. An average man with this excess weight should have (according to averages) lost his manhood. In fact at this precise point you might call him asexual.

But wait, men can gain even more weight. So an excess of 210 pounds is the crossover point, where an outie now becomes an innie. I guess it’s not enough that heavy men start to have more feminine hormones (something else we learn from Dr. Oz) and grow ‘breasts’. No. We had to humiliate them all the way. Is a man with an excess of 420 pounds fully a woman?

Thanks for the imagery, Dr. Oz. Thanks for the imagery, extrapolation. I’m sorry I wrote this post. I’m glad I made the bad kids uncomfortable and confused.