Three Indians

It’s that time of year where we in the north talk about Indian summer. This outdated term is used because most people haven’t heard of a good replacement. But look how ridiculous the term is. For a real Indian summer let’s go to New Delhi, India. It’s almost in the tropics. In June, the temperature peaks at an average of 33 degrees Celsius. That’s an average of 91 degrees Fahrenheit.

Indian summer should be known as the time of year when temperature rises to almost deathly levels. Not as a second smaller almost summer. Obviously we should drop the term Indian Summer and use something like Summer: the Sequel.

Another phrase that we use this time of year is Indian corn. This colourful, inedible corn finishes growing this time of year. Some of you may wish to call it Indigenous corn as if it originated right here. But that may not be true.

Besides if we name it after the Indigenous Americans, we are falling short when listing their accomplishments. They found and improved the properties of Indian corn, all the edible corns and popcorn. You could say these are their corny accomplishments. Anyhow, we can simply replace Indian corn with the term ornamental corn.

The third use of Indian in a phrase that I think should definitely be gotten rid of is Indian giver. This is offensive when you know its meaning is someone who gives something only to take it away again.

You can easily see such a term develop in English for interactions with other peoples’ languages as a simple misunderstanding. The difference between own and loan is hard to hear, and it’s easy for someone to hear you own this when the other party just meant to say loan. Doesn’t Indian giving just describe a loan?

Banks and other financial institutions are probably going to cry when we replace the term Indian giver with the term loan giver. Especially when we use a derisive tone of voice when we say it. But that is what they do and that is what society truly thinks about loan givers.

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Premeditated Post

We’re all aware that murder of the premeditated kind is considered to be much worse by our justice system. I largely think it’s because the premeditated murderer is going to be harder to stop because planning usually makes things go more smoothly and efficiently. And of course planning can allow the murderer a chanced to frame someone else or dispose of the body much better so it might just be a missing persons report.

Regardless, premeditated murder is considered worse. So why not consider other crimes worse if they’re premeditated? It’s partially considered under our current law. Uttering threats is definitely making a crime premeditated and is a separate offense that can result in more jail time. But in a couple instances I think that we should have an extra premeditated crime punishment.

First of all fraud crimes are more often than not premeditated. For instance catfishing, where someone poses as a lover on a dating site in order to gain trust and also money, is worse than straight up fraud. Not only does the catfisher inevitably get the money, they also get the victim to fall in love with them. It just might be a deterrent to give the fraudster a longer sentence because of the unrequited feelings.

Heists are definitely premeditated. There is almost always a mastermind who plans the thing. The loot is large enough that everyone’s share is large enough to get them to break the law. For heists, I say the mastermind should be given twice the sentence.

This will make the mastermind want twice the loot that the others get. More risk should equal more money they will say. So now the mastermind has to find a group who agrees with this which is harder.

Secondly, if anyone wants to doublecross someone and take their loot, you bet they will doublecross the mastermind for twice the loot of doublecrossing anyone else.

Both scenarios makes it harder for the mastermind to get started at his goal. Maybe, because of the premeditation law, he will give up altogether.

If premeditated murder is worse, then how about a premeditated attempted murder? I can’t believe there is nothing on the books for this already. I blame this on feeling sorry for the perpetrator. They are so stupid that when they plan someone’s death they can’t fully (pardon the pun) execute it. So the law feels sorry for them and doesn’t give them a worse punishment. To my mind, premeditated attempted murder is indeed worse and should be reflected in punishments.

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The Big Bad Wolf

We’ve all heard about dogs being trained to sniff out Covid 19. But these dogs aren’t quite 100 % accurate. I say we bring out another animal whose very survival depends on its sense of smell. I say we bring out the dog’s cousin, the wolf.

It makes sense to use wolves, but, wouldn’t they need a handler and go between to cull and quarantine the newfound Covid patients? Well not only can the wolves be trained to do that, but they can do it in such a way that it’s a guarantee no one else can catch Covid from the patients it has sniffed out. That’s right, the wolves can kill each Covid carrier they find thus ensuring all three points are carried out.

You may think it’s harsh killing the Covid 19 patients instead of treating them. So I bet the only way we’ll be able to make it so is by lying and saying there’s a new variant, the omega variant, that is taking over and everyone who gets Covid 19 now dies from it.

Then we can put a public service announcement on television. Saying something like: “These are our public service employees that help out in the community. The mailman delivers your neighbourhood’s mail. The policeman protects your neighbourhood from crime. The pack of Covid wolves protects your neighbourhood from the scourge of Covid 19.”

There is, alas, one flaw with this program. Like dogs and cats, wolves are likely to contract Covid from their victims. So we’ll need someone brave enough to sniff out the Covid 19 infected wolves. I say we use werewolves for this job.

When they’re in their wolf phase, these people will likely be able to smell as well as wolves. Not only that, but when they are in the human phase of their cycle, they can get double vaccinated like most intelligent people have. So these werewolves, when they kill each Covid 19 infected wolf, will have a lot of protection.

Just not perfect protection. So, alas, there needs to be a final layer. A werewolf hunter with silver bullets can hunt and kill infected werewolves. And keep socially distant. It’s just that human hunters of werewolves have horrible senses of smells and are unlikely to detect Covid 19 by scent.

So the werewolf hunters would enlist the help of something that can smell really well. Perhaps a fleet footed pig. Pigs have wonderful senses of smell and I bet they too could be made to recognize the smell of Covid 19.

So the pig would sniff out each werewolf and then run like hell. The werewolf hunter would ignore them all except when the pig made the correct squeal of Covid positivity. Then he would shoot that werewolf with a silver bullet.

So there we have it, a perfect plan to get us out of Covid. And at long last a little piggy was able to get revenge on a wolf that may or may not have blown its house down.

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My Socks

Fruit of the Loom likes to emblazon their name everywhere when they make a product. That’s why I was unsurprised that the socks I bought from that company had Fruit of the Loom emblazoned across the toes. In case you’re wondering, the name is oriented so I can read it easily while wearing them. If you are across from me you will have to use your upside down reading skills.

But the name stretches completely across the socks. That is the F has to be at the edge of the socks for the M of Loom to be visible against the other edge of the sock. It is a tricky, painstaking thing to have to put the socks on so perfectly, that the whole name is visible.

So in other words I don’t bother lining up the sock perfectly. Thus, all that is visible is a partial name. Sometimes it says Fruit of the Lo. This is where I imagine dwarves picking fruit like tomatoes or berries from low positions.

There is the much grosser Fruit of the Loo. Here I think of Loo as the British bathroom. As for something being fruit in there, I first of all rule out liquids because fruit is never a liquid. To me the fruit is the result of your labour in there. Perhaps it looks more like logs than normal fruit, but it is what it is.

The name can be cut off the other way, too. Ruit of the Loom comes up quite often when I am wearing my socks. I often wonder what this means. I assume the phrase is really Root of the Loom. So I think of more basic things that are loom-like. The one I most come up with is basket weaving. There you have the repeated under over pattern that baskets as well as clothes are made of.

Another interesting name that comes up is It of the Loom. I see the loom working at breakneck speed and out of this machine comes bright clothes. And then, somehow, evilly it manages to make a clown’s face as part of the weave. Then magically it comes together as a full, 3D clown. A menacing clown. Sorry, Stephen King, but despite all this horror I am still more horrified by Fruit of the Loo.

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Fun With the Fine Arts

The fine arts are fun. Ask anybody (except those who bleed, perspire or cry for their art!). Just look at some of the words used to describe the fine arts.

We’ll start off with music. Music is fun! Just look at the verb used when you are doing music. You play guitar or you play piano. Or more passively when you feel like hearing it, you play music. And play is one of the funnest verbs imaginable.

That same word, used as a noun, is in theatre. A unit of theatre is the play. It is further divided into acts and acts imply action. Of course theatre is fun with its lots of plays and lots of action. And so too is it’s younger sister, the flashier cinema where action becomes a whole genre.

So what is fun about stand up comedy? Where you have to speak in front of a crowd and deal with hecklers. Basically you are just joking around. And that can be enough fun all by itself.

But wait you say, writing fiction is a rather staid profession. What possible fun can authors have when it takes them a year or more to write a book? It’s called fiction for a reason. It is lies. Authors have the task of selling built up lies and fabrications for a profit. Why that sounds like fun to me!

But wait. What about the mother of all the arts? Simply called visual art or just art. Sketching, drawing, sculpting, painting, illustrating, inking and all other art words I can think of don’t describe fun. What is wrong with this fine art? Why can’t it be obviously fun like the rest of the fine arts?

Well it has the gravity of all the fine arts and arts being named after it. Some of the other fine arts are listed above. The arts contain all the remaining disciplines that aren’t a science. I guess that’s a huge responsibility for visual art and if it doesn’t keep itself grounded it can be a grandiose, delusional mess for the participants.

Plus there are starving artists and who wants to be that? Generally that is the fear instilled in would be artists by parents who want all doctors and lawyers as their genetic legacy. But doctors and lawyers all the way down in a family tree is boring. A starving artist is likely a nice change from the humdrum. So in a way even starving artists can be fun.

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White Face

Largely Justin Trudeau got away with the black face he used because whites are the majority in Canada and North America. I guess that by and large blacks don’t want to use white face in revenge because then many whites will think they now have permission to use black face, no matter the occasion.

But I would just like to say that ‘white face’ already exists in our culture. That’s right, the much maligned mime uses white face. I don’t know the history or even the reason why but it is so strong that it has become tradition for the mime.

So maybe people could imply doing white face around Justin Trudeau – without the white faces or any makeup at all.

Say Justin’s motorcade is coming down your street on its way to the airport. If you are in a twosome, one of you could stand on each side of the road. You could then mime a rope between you, in the path of the motorcade.

On second thought let’s scratch that one. Sometimes motorcades use motorcycles and a real rope could haul down a motorcycle. So the authorities in charge might try to arrest you for your joke.

Still you could mime ‘the inside of a box’. Maybe not at a motorcade but whenever Justin is in the same area as you.

Say you’re having your wedding outside. And Justin decides to photo bomb you. You could mock him by doing ‘the inside of a box’. Here the mocking is more than justified. He thinks he is so special that any group would just love to be photo bombed by him. But even more importantly, when he photo bombs, he is not surrounded by guards who are ready to arrest people no matter how slight the provocation.

You could also save the rope for when Justin is being interviewed outside and you and a friend are in the background.

I would love to tell you how to do a few more mime tricks around Justin, to truly mock his black face. But let’s face facts. Miming as an art is generally so boring that I would fall asleep while watching the third, fourth and fifth miming tricks.

I guess you could say that miming is boring. Or vanilla, Or white bread. But if it can mock the leader (Justin) then it suddenly becomes interesting.

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Drinking

I bet most of you, when seeing that title, think about alcohol drinking first. The fact that each and every day you drink more water and other liquids just doesn’t seem to register in our society. Drinking usually means alcohol to us.

So a teetotaler is a non drinker. Indeed, when you say teetotaler most think it is a pretentious word. Non drinker is less likely to raise eyebrows. Of course a non drinker drinks. Water, juice, milk, tea, coffee and soft drinks are some of the options.

Soft drinks is a term that differentiates pop from alcoholic beverages. Presumably alcoholic drinks are hard drinks. Or as is sometimes the case, just drinks. If someone says they need a drink it is probably alcohol they are after. Despite the fact that they never need alcohol and every day they need some water.

Of course it is addiction that turns wants into ‘needs’. I just wish that the accepted English terminology wasn’t in favour of the addicts. You want a beer and need water is much more correct.

I looked up “what is the term for overdrinking?” where I meant water overdrinking. Most of the responses on the search engine were alcohol anonymous and other alcohol cessation services and alcohol terminology. I eventually got my answer in the other, very limited amount of responses. Overhydration is the term I was looking for.

Then there is the idea that Europeans drink too much alcohol. The reasoning goes like this. Europe’s water was just too filthy and contaminated that the only safe thing to drink was wine and other alcoholic beverages.

Of course Europeans went to drinking alcohol. I wouldn’t be surprised if all their languages promoted alcohol to be the first thing to think of when the subject of drinking comes about. Just like English. But really, no one ever thought of using juices to drink instead of water? How about tea and coffee where the water they use is boiled first?

One more thing about drinking alcohol. In the noughties it was largely suggested that you should drink small amounts of alcohol on a regular basis to extend your life. Studies were twisted to agree with this take. Since then real studies have been done and it has been found that the greater your alcohol consumption, the shorter your lifespan. It doesn’t extend life, it shortens it.

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Australian Woman Wakes Up With Irish Accent After Surgery

With such a mind bending headline we hit the streets to see what the average North American thought about this oddity.

First we interviewed a woman who wouldn’t allow us to publish her real name. So we will call her Fran. Fran asked, “So we had one foreigner talk like another foreigner? That’s what I would call a push. We still have one foreigner, no matter how you look at it. And they still talk like a foreigner so nothing has improved.”

‘Tom’, our second interviewee, asked, “But, was either accent thin enough that a self respecting North American might be able to understand her words? Or did she speak slowly enough in either accent so that she was rendered understandable? I have questions!”

Our third interviewee, ‘Murray’ asked, “Does it make a difference? One mumbo jumbo accent for another. Clearly she has no plans to be acceptable in America. So why should we care? America is number one!

Our next interviewee, ‘Trixie’ asked, “Who cares? Now if she changed from some foreign accent to the North American accent, that would be something. I’d be the first person to congratulate her. You must be proud, I’d say, to have gone from being difficult to understand to listenable.”

Our last interviewee, ‘Sheila’ had a delightful accent. We told her so. She said she was Australian. We definitely wanted her point of view.

“Well going from speaking normal Australian to Irish gobbledygook is not going to earn her a lot of mates in Australia. Or let her keep many of her old mates. I’d say her best bet would be to ship off to Ireland. There she could relate to the people better.”

But most North Americans we interviewed, didn’t say anything of import. Most just said, “Well how do you expect me to tell the difference?” How indeed.

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New Shepard Rocket Successfully Ejects People Into Space

I was aghast to finally see the New Shepard rocket with it’s life support pod on top. It looked so much like male genitalia that I am not going to link to a picture of it because I do not link to pornography. I haven’t seen something so obviously phallic since Darth Vader – Mr. Dickhead himself.

Anyhow, the reasons are obvious why I choose to call this the penismobile. Hot dog cars might have been called this on occasion, but I’m sure those namers will bow out after having seen the New Shepard rocket with its payload of people.

Now I know why Bezos and his mouthpieces were so down on Virgin Galactic’s flight and insisted that ship never made it to space. It’s because that ship looked cool and Bezos ship looks like a penis.

They’re also down on Virgin Galactic because Virgin Galactic has floated a price of $250 000 for a flight while the lowest Bezos and co. has said for the paying public was 28 million dollars. Now presumably the 18 year old paid less since he was only the second highest bidder. So let’s say 25 million dollars. Or about 100 times the price of the trip on Virgin Galactic.

Worse news has come out of the United States since the trip. The United States doesn’t want to give astronaut wings to the passengers of either rocketry program. Which means they won’t allow the title of astronaut be given to the people riding in their trips to space.

So allow me to suggest a name that is obvious for someone who comes out of a penismobile. Each person that goes to space this way may be called a spermatozoon. Spermatozoa compete with each other to impregnate others with the idea that what they did was thrilling and that space will be conquered soon.

So be one of possibly millions of spermatozoa running around the world, a product of New Shepard’s rising then ejection. You, too, can say you were sired by Jeff Bezos wet dreams.

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Where is the Edge of Space?

Rebuffed at being the first billionaire in space, Jeff Bezos and his mouthpieces have turned on Richard Branson’s accomplishment and said quite plainly that Branson never reached space.

Bezos argument says that to enter space you have to pass the Karman line at 62 miles above the earth. The Karman line is recognized in more parts of the earth than American reckoning of where space begins.

Branson went by the American reckoning of 50 miles as the boundary for space. But isn’t 62 miles a more fundamental measure than the simple 50 the Americans chose?

Both are lazy definitions. I’m not sure which side chose first but 50 miles is obviously an easy to pick number. But did you know the Karman line is really just 100 kilometers above the earth? It sounds even more lazy than the American definition. Probably because it is. If I were Karman, I would be embarrassed that they lazily picked my name for that line.

It’s basically just a spat over which is better, imperial measurements or metric measurements.

I am embarrassed that I chose my own name for the following definition. Yes, the Russwurm line is 100 miles above sea level. It is my definition for the beginning of space.

Yes, Jeff Bezos, you are being outsnobbed. Your rocket only goes a bit above the Karman line. But this is nowhere near the 100 miles of the Russwurm line. So by all definitions of the beginnings of space you have not achieved what you set out to achieve.

If Richard Branson didn’t go to space, neither did you, Jeff Bezos. That’s what happens when you pin your ambitions on something so arbitrary as the beginning of space. Good luck with your sub space mission on Tuesday.

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