July 2026 Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 18 July 2026 by Larry Russwurm

I grew up next to a blacksmith. I guess it was just part time work because he had a full farm going at the same time. His was a hog farm. The most remarkable thing about his farm was that there were no horses.

It’s not that horses are bothered by other horses getting shod. We had a horse and a pony and they didn’t worry about other horses going by or getting shod, too. The horse and pony were only upset at being separated from each other.

Maybe the blacksmith was so sick of horses after shoeing them all the time that he just didn’t want to deal with them at any other time. Maybe he spent enough time avoiding kicks and bites from horses that he just wouldn’t put up with it at any other time than business.

It’s not that he hated horses. He was fine working with them all day and never made the horses so uncomfortable that they would continuously try to get revenge. He could handle himself around horses for the business.

It’s just that I never saw the blacksmith or any of his family ride a horse.

It’s kind of like Galen Weston (heir to a grocery giant in Canada) going on a hunger strike for years. It’s kind of like Elon Musk remaining silent on Twitter (or whatever he calls it these days).

*

You’ve heard of smash burgers? Well how about smash pucks?

As far as I can tell, smash burgers start as a spherical conglomerate of hamburger meat. This is flattened into a disk or burger. Hence smashburgers.

I believe that all the orange hockey balls in the world should be flattened into disk shaped pucks. In other words there should be smash pucks. Now I don’t know how the colour is going to change from orange to black. The important thing is that all the hockey balls are turned into pucks.

Those orange hockey balls are the terror of road hockey. Whenever anyone makes a slap shot, everyone dodges including the goaltender. Those orange balls hurt , especially when it is below freezing.. Now if everyone playing road hockey had head to toe equipment, this wouldn’t be so bad. But they don’t . So let’s permanently adopt tennis balls as the official ball of road hockey.

*

Every old tyme gambling site in Ontario, now wants the most garish up to date slot machines.

First it was the race tracks. They were one of the few approved gambling activities in the day. But as soon as casinos were permitted, in Ontario, they demanded slot machines. So much so that the Elmira raceway moved to Elora when Elmira said no to slot machines. Kudos to the company for moving to a town only 20 miles away with a nearly identical name.

Now bingo halls are getting greedy, too. It’s not enough gambling via bingo. Oh no. A Cambridge bingo hall is advertising its slot machines right now.

But I think it hasn’t gone far enough. Every lottery centre in each corner store should be allowed to add slots to their business. They’ve been good for lotteries all these years, why not add slot machines? Then you would never have to go far for your slots entertainment.

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Early Summer 2026 Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 4 July 2026 by Larry Russwurm

At first I heard that the GTA had more car thefts than ever. This was weird considering I had heard car thefts were decreasing in the GTA. But maybe that was just a matter of consuming news from a couple different news sources citing different statistics. Its just that news in my area usually doesn’t totally contradict each other so blatantly.

Then I heard that crimes against prostitutes was also up in the GTA. Then I thought well I hope murders aren’t up in the GTA, too. That was two possibly violent crimes. I was hoping that the worst violent crime wasn’t up as well.

Then I noticed that it actually said GTA 6. That made me wonder. I hadn’t heard of 6 GTAs. But maybe they were using Toronto’s nickname, the 6, along with the Greater Toronto Area abbreviation. Just to doubly point at Toronto.

But no. I read further and realized they were talking about Grand Theft Auto 6, the video game. How dare a video game besmirch the Toronto area’s good name.

*

In Roman numerals I means 1 and V means 5. IV means one less than 5, or 4. VI means one greater than 5, or 6.

I’ve always tried to extend the logic of things when I can. So surely IVI is just a fancy way to write the number 5. The I on either side must cancel each other out.

Then I realized that You could slide the I on either side closer to the V and you would end up making the letter M. M is also a roman numeral and it means 1000.

Extending the logic didn’t work this time. No wonder Roman numerals more or less got abandoned.

*

I was aware of “I’m with stupid” t-shirts with the accusatory arrow, when I was a kid. However I saw none in all the stores I shopped in.

But I jumped at the opportunity when I saw one, lonely “I’m with turkey” t-shirt with an accusatory arrow. I got my Mom to buy this for me.

I had loads of fun pointing that accusatory arrow at everyone else. But eventually I either grew out of it or it tore and I never had a such a t-shirt again.

I wonder why it said turkey. It may have been to avoid copyright issues with the original design.

Or they might have known that any possessor of such a shirt would do their worst to insult everyone. So, to my mind, they used a lesser insult.

No matter the reason, I never knew anyone who possessed an actual “I’m with stupid” t-shirt. Good news, too, because if they were as indiscriminate as I was, they would have pointed it at me.

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Summer Solstice 2026 Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 20 June 2026 by Larry Russwurm

Recently President Rump had the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool painted blue to hopefully make the water look blue instead of the green colour that has plagued it. But the colour changed to green in short order and now they are blaming algae blooms for the colour change.

But, for those of us who grew up with the sani-flush toilet inserts, we know what happens to blue water after something yellow comes into contact with it. It turns green.

My theory is that all those 3 000+ National Guardsmen President Rump has stationed in Washington, are not given access to enough bathrooms while on duty. So they have to relieve themselves wherever they can and some are likely peeing in the reflecting pool. Making the water green.

*

James Bond was introduced by Q to a beautiful lady mathematician. “But as a mathematician, you can call me 007.” Bond winked at her.

“Alright 7. You’re in an interesting line of work.”

“Yes, I am,” said Bond. “But that’s 007. The double oh part is really important.”

“The double oh means literally nothing. And it can be ignored from now until eternity.”

“The double oh part means that I’m licenced to kill. It’s an important part of how I spy.”

“Whatever you say, 7.”

Q yells, “No!” as Bond reached for his gun. But it was too late.

Bond shot the mathematician in the chest. She fell and lay dead in a pool of blood on the floor. But Bond knew that his government would get him out of this one. That was the whole point of the double oh system.

*

I couldn’t believe the score in Thursday’s Canada vs. Qatar game. 6-0 for our first ever win at a world cup event. That’s more like a hockey score than a soccer score. And David got a hat trick – 3 goals. That’s more a hockey term than a soccer term because hat tricks are so rare in soccer. And the goalie got a shutout.

I can just imagine being a fly on the wall in the dressing room before the game where the coach said something like:

“We can do it guys. It’s just like hockey but instead of using your stick you’re using your leg and foot. Both have long parts that literally turn into the blade or foot, The blade or foot is the business end and with the right touch you can score a goal with it.

“Now go out and outplay those Qataris! Hockey it up if you have to.”

And they did.

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Late Spring 2026 Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 13 June 2026 by Larry Russwurm

Do you know who those black Dodge trucks, with black on their fenders and wheel rims, would be perfect for? The man in black? For someone trying to camouflage themselves in a soot storm? For someone who wants to discreetly be swallowed up by a black hole? No. They would be perfect for middle order Mennonites. Those people who drive around in black cars but the chrome is too ostentatious for them, so they deliberately blacken all the chrome on their cars.

And currently the two braids, one on each side of the head is kind of in style. You know, the way that middle order Mennonite girls wear their hair.

As for the guys, they wear straw hats in the summer. Ones that look a lot like Panama hats. And Panama hats are kind of in style, too.

Congratulations for our culture which has finally made middle order Mennonites cool and fashionable! It’s about time!

*

Are you still suffering from shock that 20 years ago the least liked part of the chicken, the wings, were so throwaway that you could get 10 for $2.

Well that was then and this is now. Now it costs $20 for those same 10 wings and if anything the price is going to go up even more.

Curse all those chefs who made cooking and seasoning wings so important that they are now considered to be the pinnacle of the chicken. Curse all those sporting events that demanded chicken wings be used as the only food to be eaten while enjoying those sports.

Maybe there will be a change when chicken wings cost $20 a pair. Then the rest of the chicken will be least liked and you can get it for a buck or two. That’s the day I look forward to, anyway.

*

It is my belief that aliens are tall and hairy, much like the envisioning of Chewbacca by George Lucas and company.

And if they choose to land their ships on earth, they do it in out of the way places where they can’t be found. Certain spots in the rocky mountains ought to be hard enough to reach.

And out of necessity, such tall creatures would need to have big feet. You know the kind that leave you with a big impression.

It’s just too bad that we never see anything tall and hairy with big feet near the rocky mountains. Or else we could say that aliens exist!

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Grey

Posted on 6 June 2026 by Larry Russwurm

I remember the old Soviet Union being cut up for having only grey skylines and grey buildings. This just showed to the west how boring and drab this country and its allies really were. It was an empire, but boring still.

Clothing styles in the late eighties were also drab in the west. For a few years all it seemed you could get were grey, black and white outfits. Of course there was also acid washed jeans. But very quickly that changed into acid washed black jeans which had many shades of grey and even some white.

I remember coming out of that time in the early nineties, when colours started to make an appearance again. Buying colours was hit and miss because we blatantly didn’t know what colours looked good on us.

Finally my sister dug up an old seasons of colour book from the early 80s. According to this book, I was an autumn and I started to dress accordingly. I don’t know what the other people were doing when it came to wearing colours. The point is we eventually figured out how to wear colours, but it took some dud outfits to get there.

We are in another period of grey, black and white being considered the height of fashion, with very little colour out there.

But this time it is worse. Almost all building colours are shades of grey. You see it in all those home renovation shows. Nearly everything is grey, black and white.

It’s even worse than this of course. They’ve been painting older high rises in my city to be grey, black and white. New high rises are also being made grey, black and white.

Congratulations! We have turned the west into the look of communist Russia. We may have outlasted communist Russia, but their style seems like it will last forever in the look of our buildings and our clothes. I’m just going to say it. The fashion industry is boring. And is doing very little innovating right now.

Colour isn’t all bad. Bring some of it back. In the clothes, in buildings and in our skyline. We look like communist Russia, only with blue jeans.

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May 2026 Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 23 May 2026 by Larry Russwurm

The violin is known as the violin in classical music. However, in country music it is known as a fiddle. I was wondering if the violin should have a third name for the rock music it’s played in.

We might look at how the violin is used in rock music. For instance, in country music it is played a lot differently than it is in classical music. Maybe this will give us a clue on how to name it.

Jimmie Page is known for using a violin bow on a guitar in Dazed and Confused and a couple of other songs. Maybe rock musicians could call violins “bow partners”. This would enable musicians to find bows to abuse, that much easier.

But really, when it comes to rock music, so many times bands play with a string section or even a complete orchestra. String sections are usually lead by violins. Perhaps we could find a name somewhere in rock, where there is a name but no instrument to go with it. How about a “soda pop laser beam guitar”. Maybe Prism was onto something in Spaceship Superstar. You may question the 4 strings vs. 6 strings, but bass guitars have 4 strings.

*

There has been a lot of discussion in Canada that MPs who cross the floor, going from one party to another are anti democratic. People think because they voted for a party that their MP must be a simpleton that unquestioningly follows the party’s tack.

But look when you vote next time. You are voting for a person and a party at the same time.

It is at least as anti democratic for parties to have a “whip” and to make the majority of issues whipped votes. To stay in the party, the MP, regardless of what their riding thinks, must vote to the will of the party.

Floor crossing is something that happens when you put together someone’s name and a party’s name. It is not antidemocratic. The floor crosser is making a stand against their original party and it just may be in the riding’s best interest.

*

On the finale of Saturday Night Live they had Will Ferrell hosting and in his stead, his doppelganger, Chad Smith from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, started the monologue before being interrupted by Will Ferrell.

The shocking part of all this is that Will Ferrell and Chad Smith don’t really look that much like each other.

Not anymore, anyways. My belief is if you had them both on twenty years ago they would have looked almost identical to each other.

The sad fact is that in twin land, even identical twins grow differently and grow apart after a long time of perhaps a couple decades.

So I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that doppelgangers also grow apart.

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On a Scale of Toughest to Wimpiest

Posted on 9 May 2026 by Larry Russwurm

It is overwhelmingly agreed that motorcyclists are tough as nails. They brave traffic with nothing to protect themselves but helmets and leather jackets. Every car on the road has a weight and hardness advantage over a motorcyclist.

We don’t want to see the motorcyclists get killed, so in the spring there is always messaging to be on the lookout for motorcycles. Usually in car/motorcycle accidents, the motorcyclist is severely hurt – even possibly fatally. While the car driver, with their airbags and crumpling architecture, can usually walk away from the accident.

But car drivers in their turn, are tougher than minivan drivers. The heavier minivan usually survives more of the crash while most of the danger of loss of life comes from the car driver and their passengers.

Then can we all agree that the wimpiest drivers on the road are pickup truck drivers and SUV drivers? They are in the safest vehicles of all except for big commercial trucks, snowplows, road graters etc. all of which demand a better licence. Usually these other drivers drive a car, minivan, SUV, pickup truck or motorcycle on their own time.

But wait one moment. If the motorcyclist wants to be tougher than nails, They can simply take off their helmet and leather jacket. So wouldn’t they be tougher than anyone else on the road? Not so fast.

Bicyclists share the road, too, in lots of parts of the city. Slowly we are building more bicycle infrastructure but for now, they’re half the time on road with the SUVs and all the bigger vehicles. Have you compared bicycle helmets with motorcycle helmets? The motorcycle helmets seem quite a bit more substantial. And cyclists almost never wear a leather jacket.

If motorcyclists are as tough as nails, bicyclists are as tough as titanium nails.

But pedestrians are the toughest of all. They have no safety equipment except for their clothes. Yes they have their own lanes, better known as sidewalks, but still have to cross other traffic.

Are jaywalkers the toughest type of traffic of all? With no equipment of any kind for their safety, they cross against all kinds of traffic without any laws to protect them if they get it wrong.

Jaywalkers are as tough as diamonds. Diamonds are the toughest of all substances known to man. SUV drivers should look on in awe, instead of honking their horns like wimps, when they see the jaywalkers.

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On Transportation Logos

Posted on 2 May 2026 by Larry Russwurm

You would think that airlines would have the most creative and best logos in the transportation industry. In Canada, at least, you would be wrong.

Let’s look at the airlines first. The biggest carrier is Air Canada. A very simple name for a national carrier. I am linking to their Wikipedia page so you can see the logo in the top right corner. Black letters in a boring font then a red ring with a stylized maple leaf inside. They couldn’t have ripped off the flag of Canada much more if they tried. I guess it gets their message across.

The other big airline in Canada is WestJet. Their hub is in Calgary. This is an airline started more for the “disenfranchised” west of Canada thus it’s name. Their name on their logo is dark blue, in a boring font. It has a light blue maple leaf with dark blue in its southwest corner. We get it. You favour the south west of Canada.

Flair Airlines is a discount carrier It has a its name in boring black font. As a flair they don’t capitalize either word in its name. At least that is quite a flair compared to its symbol of a black circle. Another flair is that the word flair contains the word air.

We shall move out of the airline industry and over to the train industry. The national train carrier is Via Rail. Via is a really cute name for a travel means. The very thick Via font is in yellow for easy visibility. This symbol is also the same upside down. Sometimes they use the symbol of a red maple leaf, the same as the maple leaf on the flag because it is owned by the government of Canada.

Next up is Go Transit. Again a very simple name for a means of transportation. This is the transit into the city of Toronto by a number of different lines to nearby cities and bedroom communities. The very blocky green letters of the Go are rather stylish and the negative space of the letters, makes a sideways T for Transit.

Third in line is my local rapid transit in Kitchener-Waterloo (and hopefully soon, Cambridge). This light rail line has the name of the Ion. That means go in Greek. You can see the logo on the upper right side as with all these Wikipedia links. It’s blue and green styled symbol is almost the same upside down, kind of like the Via symbol. It almost looks like cursive writing.

Rail transportation logos in Canada are way more interesting than the air transportation logos. I am looking forward to the high speed rail line in Canada, which is supposed to link Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal and Quebec City, having a really cool logo. Please don’t disappoint like the airlines.

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Favourite Dog Breed?

Posted on 25 April 2026 by Larry Russwurm

I think that if I were to poll people about their favourite animal, I believe at or very near the top of that list would be dogs. It’s hard to argue that they aren’t the most loyal animal. And the propaganda of being man’s best friend doesn’t hurt them either.

The most hated animal is more hotly contested. It may well depend on what animal is most destructive in your life. But one of the worst animals is definitely the snake, It gets a bad rap in some ways but mostly it deserves the negativity.

Dog breeds are bred according to the defining characteristics of each breed. For example, Dachshunds are bred to be low to the ground and as long as possible. And no one can resist a good dachshund race because they look so cute and comical trying to run swiftly.

Selective breeding is what gave Dachshunds their famous shape and Dachshunds will evolve further through selective breeding. I believe they will become even longer. They have only just begun but I bet they can become two or three feet long.

Their small legs might end up getting smaller and smaller until they are nubs that barely keep them off the ground. I believe that selective breeding will still be in effect till even these nubs are gone and the Dachshunds’ torsos will be directly on the ground.

These Dachshunds will be very snake like but we will still love them with that Dachshund head and that delightful short fur. Finally! We will lave an animal that is snake like but is still cute and should have that dog loyalty.

But the fur on the underside of the Dachshund will wear off if taken on hard gritty surfaces like sidewalks, asphalt and gravel.

And it might be too hard on the Dachshund to drag their private parts on hard ground, so they might slither on their sides, resulting in hair loss on their sides, too. Suddenly Dachshunds would be dogs with Mohawk like fur. Or perhaps the dog would lose all of its fur completely. Either way, it would become more snake like and definitely less cute.

Would we still love this dog breed with the head of a Dachshund and the body of a snake? It’s hard to say exactly. But there will still be some outliers who would want these as a pet. Just as there is a market for reptiles as pets, some people would keep snake Dachshunds. Now whether there would be calendars and other collectibles with snake Dachshunds remains to be seen.

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The Unfairness of Sport

Posted on 18 April 2026 by Larry Russwurm

I find it terribly unfair that a country can earn a gold, silver and bronze medal in any sport except team sports. Why is it unfair for a country to field more than one team? This affects Canada negatively in hockey and curling especially.

Even the curling events to pick the top Canadian team is unfair. Canada pits the top team from each province against other provinces, This would be fine if Canada’s provinces had equal populations. But Ontario has 100 times the population of Prince Edward Island. It’s not fair at all.

Have countries been banned from allowing more than one team because of difficulty in naming the other teams? I propose Canada A, Canada B and Canada C, etc. for the names of these teams.

How would a country pick the players for the different teams?

I suggest Canada A gets the pick of all Canadian players. Canada B gets the pick of all the remaining players. Canada C would get the pick of the remaining players after that.

To make it to the Olympics, say, each of the Canada teams would have to qualify against the best teams in the world.

All world events would see the best teams compete. If Canada C is having a hard time in hockey, There should be some kind of mechanism to allow the America B team to take its place.

I think these would be closer and more exciting games. But there is a down side to this realignment of sport.

Canada would not have a world cup of soccer team. With three Brazilian teams and 3 France teams, etc. There would be no room for the best team we can field. We are simply not good enough to field a team compared to those country’s best teams.

But maybe that is as it should be. We are not nearly as soccer mad as those other countries are. Getting from soccer nothings to soccer somethings would be an incredible hard road to hoe. With a lot of effort, especially from immigrants, we got into the word cup of soccer the last two times. This is strange for Canada.

It would probably be 10 times the effort and time put in to get Canada into a world cup that has 3 Argentina teams and 3 German teams. It could be done but it would be very difficult.

This system would award dominance. Much like in the single person sports. But I don’t think it would be as easy to spread interest around the globe in that particular sport.

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