Big Net

One of the most useless things in sport is the basketball net. But Big Net has convinced us that we need this little extra in the game of basketball. Never mind that the game can be played exactly the same way and result in exactly the same score without those nets.

I looked on the site of one of the Big Net producers and in all their copy, only two reasons were brought up for having a net. The big one seemed to be the swish sound that an accurately thrown basketball made when a basket was completed. This was mentioned a few times.

Mentioned only once in all that copy was the 2nd reason people might like to have a basketball net. That is the ball is more likely to come down through the rim in an almost straight down fashion. Never once mentioning that with most baskets, the ball comes down relatively straight, too. The net makes a difference but it is only slight.

Then there is a whole basketball team named after this useless decoration in basketball – the Brooklyn Nets. Maybe they took the name thinking that it would remind people of the swish of a successfully finished basket by the team. But if this were true, why not call the team the Swishes? Likely they were named the Nets to rhyme with the New York Mets and the New York Jets.

But wait. Maybe they were named the Nets because of the similarity of the players with those same actual nets. When a Brooklyn Nets player is stuffed, don’t they make the sound “BRAAAP!” And just like the fans hearing the swish, the cook for the Brooklyn Nets player is happy to hear this sound of appreciation.

Furthermore, when a Brooklyn Nets player is stuffed and has to let something out, it is always done straight down over a toilet. That, too, is very similar to an actual basketball net’s action.

In fact you could call each Brooklyn Nets player a Big Net. After all, professional basketball players are always big. But this just ends up confusing the situation when I am railing against Big Net.

Let’s just finish by saying that the Brooklyn Nets have never won the playoffs, thus making them as useless as their namesake in the game of basketball.

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Greater NYC Wants a Fourth NHL Team – The Reason Why May Surprise You

New York already has the New York Islanders, the New York Rangers and the New Jersey Devils in greater New York City. But there have been stirrings about a possible 4th team to make things even more interesting for a New Yorker.

The reason why should be obvious to most New Yorkers and big sports fans. Looking at other sports, they already have the Mets, Jets, and Nets. Surely a hockey team can be found that has a rhyming name with these sports teams.

The Islanders, Rangers and Devils all have multiple Stanley cups to their names so of course none of these teams want to look out for the greater New York good by changing their names to something that rhymes. So the international consortium looking at this has decided that a new team would be beneficial for New York.

Now the NHL has just added a 32nd team to the roster and does not want to change this just yet, because this evenly splits the NHL into 4 divisions of 8 teams. And now, half the teams make the playoffs whereas half don’t . So I am afraid to say it might be many years before an expansion team is available.

So I think it is just a matter of time. They’ll wait for some team to struggle so much that it fails. Then, like New Jersey before it, the consortium will swoop in and save the team, only if it moves to New York.

But what rhyming name will it choose? Aren’t all the good ones taken?

Well that international consortium is rumoured to be a sports betting conglomerate. As such, the new team will likely be named the New York Bets.

The division all the New York teams are in is called the Metropolitan Division. Metropolitan what? I’d say Metropolitan New York. So it would only make sense that half the teams would be in Greater New York City. And that is a secondary reason that New York is going to get their fourth NHL franchise some time in the near future.

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Pandora Papers Legacy

A huge news story lately has been the Pandora Papers leak. That is where it has been leaked to the public all sorts of specific information about the wealthy hiding their riches from the taxman. A lot of information is there, like who has been doing this and how exactly they have been doing this. I would like to say that these tax cheats are being hunted down and aggressively being punished by the Canada Revenue Agency. However this does not appear to be the case.

The Panama Papers leak occurred in 2016 and despite big words from the government there has been little follow up. Then came the Paradise Papers leak of 2017. There was some talk about bringing to justice those that had cheated various governments but I saw little action in Canada. Now we have the 2021 Pandora Papers leak and I’m expecting zero action by our government.

The thing that really bothers me about the leaks not resulting in the rich being pursued by the government is that it is just a minor nuisance being named in these leaks. In fact, with no follow up by our government, the leaks are free advertising for these offshore accounts as a way to do business.

In the Pandora leaks of this year, sports heroes Elvis Stojko and Jacques Villeneuve were named as having offshore accounts. Because of our government giving a free pass to these kinds of shenanigans, Elvis and Jacques are basically giving a free endorsement for this kind of behaviour. Ironically Villeneuve’s offshore company is partly an attempt to keep every last cent of endorsements he made.

But here he made a free endorsement to these tax havens. And now that he is outed, his endorsement for anything in the future is going to have the reverse effect on myself and many others. We are going to be biased against future products he endorses. You, too, Elvis.

The pattern of giving the leaks names that start with Pa is evident. I am so pessimistic about my and the rest of the world’s governments that I am expecting that eventually the journalists will give in and call the the release of such damning papers the Patriot Papers leak.

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Quota Time

Let’s say you’re an Ontario cop and you’ve got to make your quota of fines and tickets for the month. Of course you will deny up until your death bed that you have a quota, still, you would like to up your fines. You have a new idea this month. You are going to take advantage of the G2 licence in Ontario and its condition that drivers have zero alcohol in their system.

Your first place to stake out is a wine tasting. Where overconfident tasters think that swishing and swirling the wine around in your mouth, then spitting it out means you haven’t drunk any alcohol. So you pull over the young wine tasters, knowing that some of them may have only a G2 licence. Maybe you’ll get a couple of those on breathalyzers and see if they swallowed wine by accident.

Your next place to check is a young person’s dance. Police instinct tells you that some of them will have used mouthwash with alcohol in it, before coming to the dance. Again they’re overconfident because they have mostly spit out the mouthwash. Again you’ll likely catch a couple of criminals who actually swallowed a bit of that mouthwash. You feel good about your fine police work.

Finally, you wait for Sunday for your last stakeout. You wait outside a Christian church when they are having the Eucharist. That’s when they give out bread wafers and a sip of wine as the body and blood of Christ. Never once realizing the basic cannibalism they are enshrining. Confident there’ll be a few G2 licence holders in the bunch, you resolve to nab this criminal scum. A whole sip of wine. They are for sure going to make that breathalyzer ding.

Then you, the fine police officer that you are, can ease back and rest till the last week of next month. Confident that you have saved the streets from at least some of the criminal element.

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Figurative Stockholm Syndrome

Well we’ve just about closed the case for another election in Canada and still I wonder why people don’t vote for their self interest.

For instance, the NDP was offering free pharmacare and free dental care. While both packages are expensive, they explained that they were going to tax the ultra wealthy. This is only fair because the ultra wealthy only pay for accountants that can get their taxes to zero every year. Finally they would be paying something.

But people with lesser incomes didn’t turn out to vote for the NDP in droves. The NDP started the election as the third biggest party and ended it as, surprise, the third biggest party.

The Greens offered the best chance of getting climate change curtailing policy. The younger voters should worry about this the most. They are going to live till the latest years of any of us and some are even planning families.

The Greens only got less than 5% of the vote. There are many more young people than that. They’re probably voting for one of the parties that subsidize fossil fuel industries.

So the question remains. Why don’t people vote for their self interest?

I’m thinking it is Stockholm syndrome. That is the condition where a captive bonds, identifies, or sympathizes with their captors.

Now no one is saying that the rich really kidnap the rest of the population. But figuratively this might be true.

For instance, the poor must have a place to live and usually this involves a landlord. Sure it’s a free country and the poor person has decided to live there. They always have the choice to move and get a different landlord. But mostly there is a landlord.

So maybe the poor person votes the way they think the landlord would vote. They are locked into having a landlord, like a captive, so they develop their figurative Stockholm syndrome.

Then there are those young families that don’t vote Green. Their aging parents bought them SUVs when they were learning to drive because they are the safest of the personal vehicles in crash tests. Their parents’ priorities still hold them hostage to this day.

They wouldn’t dream of providing anything less than an SUV to drive around their progeny with. So the cycle continues. It began with the guilt of the aged but has been passed down to the young. For those that don’t know, SUVs are the most gas guzzling of the personal vehicles. Figurative Stockholm syndrome strikes again.

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Three Indians

It’s that time of year where we in the north talk about Indian summer. This outdated term is used because most people haven’t heard of a good replacement. But look how ridiculous the term is. For a real Indian summer let’s go to New Delhi, India. It’s almost in the tropics. In June, the temperature peaks at an average of 33 degrees Celsius. That’s an average of 91 degrees Fahrenheit.

Indian summer should be known as the time of year when temperature rises to almost deathly levels. Not as a second smaller almost summer. Obviously we should drop the term Indian Summer and use something like Summer: the Sequel.

Another phrase that we use this time of year is Indian corn. This colourful, inedible corn finishes growing this time of year. Some of you may wish to call it Indigenous corn as if it originated right here. But that may not be true.

Besides if we name it after the Indigenous Americans, we are falling short when listing their accomplishments. They found and improved the properties of Indian corn, all the edible corns and popcorn. You could say these are their corny accomplishments. Anyhow, we can simply replace Indian corn with the term ornamental corn.

The third use of Indian in a phrase that I think should definitely be gotten rid of is Indian giver. This is offensive when you know its meaning is someone who gives something only to take it away again.

You can easily see such a term develop in English for interactions with other peoples’ languages as a simple misunderstanding. The difference between own and loan is hard to hear, and it’s easy for someone to hear you own this when the other party just meant to say loan. Doesn’t Indian giving just describe a loan?

Banks and other financial institutions are probably going to cry when we replace the term Indian giver with the term loan giver. Especially when we use a derisive tone of voice when we say it. But that is what they do and that is what society truly thinks about loan givers.

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Premeditated Post

We’re all aware that murder of the premeditated kind is considered to be much worse by our justice system. I largely think it’s because the premeditated murderer is going to be harder to stop because planning usually makes things go more smoothly and efficiently. And of course planning can allow the murderer a chanced to frame someone else or dispose of the body much better so it might just be a missing persons report.

Regardless, premeditated murder is considered worse. So why not consider other crimes worse if they’re premeditated? It’s partially considered under our current law. Uttering threats is definitely making a crime premeditated and is a separate offense that can result in more jail time. But in a couple instances I think that we should have an extra premeditated crime punishment.

First of all fraud crimes are more often than not premeditated. For instance catfishing, where someone poses as a lover on a dating site in order to gain trust and also money, is worse than straight up fraud. Not only does the catfisher inevitably get the money, they also get the victim to fall in love with them. It just might be a deterrent to give the fraudster a longer sentence because of the unrequited feelings.

Heists are definitely premeditated. There is almost always a mastermind who plans the thing. The loot is large enough that everyone’s share is large enough to get them to break the law. For heists, I say the mastermind should be given twice the sentence.

This will make the mastermind want twice the loot that the others get. More risk should equal more money they will say. So now the mastermind has to find a group who agrees with this which is harder.

Secondly, if anyone wants to doublecross someone and take their loot, you bet they will doublecross the mastermind for twice the loot of doublecrossing anyone else.

Both scenarios makes it harder for the mastermind to get started at his goal. Maybe, because of the premeditation law, he will give up altogether.

If premeditated murder is worse, then how about a premeditated attempted murder? I can’t believe there is nothing on the books for this already. I blame this on feeling sorry for the perpetrator. They are so stupid that when they plan someone’s death they can’t fully (pardon the pun) execute it. So the law feels sorry for them and doesn’t give them a worse punishment. To my mind, premeditated attempted murder is indeed worse and should be reflected in punishments.

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The Big Bad Wolf

We’ve all heard about dogs being trained to sniff out Covid 19. But these dogs aren’t quite 100 % accurate. I say we bring out another animal whose very survival depends on its sense of smell. I say we bring out the dog’s cousin, the wolf.

It makes sense to use wolves, but, wouldn’t they need a handler and go between to cull and quarantine the newfound Covid patients? Well not only can the wolves be trained to do that, but they can do it in such a way that it’s a guarantee no one else can catch Covid from the patients it has sniffed out. That’s right, the wolves can kill each Covid carrier they find thus ensuring all three points are carried out.

You may think it’s harsh killing the Covid 19 patients instead of treating them. So I bet the only way we’ll be able to make it so is by lying and saying there’s a new variant, the omega variant, that is taking over and everyone who gets Covid 19 now dies from it.

Then we can put a public service announcement on television. Saying something like: “These are our public service employees that help out in the community. The mailman delivers your neighbourhood’s mail. The policeman protects your neighbourhood from crime. The pack of Covid wolves protects your neighbourhood from the scourge of Covid 19.”

There is, alas, one flaw with this program. Like dogs and cats, wolves are likely to contract Covid from their victims. So we’ll need someone brave enough to sniff out the Covid 19 infected wolves. I say we use werewolves for this job.

When they’re in their wolf phase, these people will likely be able to smell as well as wolves. Not only that, but when they are in the human phase of their cycle, they can get double vaccinated like most intelligent people have. So these werewolves, when they kill each Covid 19 infected wolf, will have a lot of protection.

Just not perfect protection. So, alas, there needs to be a final layer. A werewolf hunter with silver bullets can hunt and kill infected werewolves. And keep socially distant. It’s just that human hunters of werewolves have horrible senses of smells and are unlikely to detect Covid 19 by scent.

So the werewolf hunters would enlist the help of something that can smell really well. Perhaps a fleet footed pig. Pigs have wonderful senses of smell and I bet they too could be made to recognize the smell of Covid 19.

So the pig would sniff out each werewolf and then run like hell. The werewolf hunter would ignore them all except when the pig made the correct squeal of Covid positivity. Then he would shoot that werewolf with a silver bullet.

So there we have it, a perfect plan to get us out of Covid. And at long last a little piggy was able to get revenge on a wolf that may or may not have blown its house down.

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My Socks

Fruit of the Loom likes to emblazon their name everywhere when they make a product. That’s why I was unsurprised that the socks I bought from that company had Fruit of the Loom emblazoned across the toes. In case you’re wondering, the name is oriented so I can read it easily while wearing them. If you are across from me you will have to use your upside down reading skills.

But the name stretches completely across the socks. That is the F has to be at the edge of the socks for the M of Loom to be visible against the other edge of the sock. It is a tricky, painstaking thing to have to put the socks on so perfectly, that the whole name is visible.

So in other words I don’t bother lining up the sock perfectly. Thus, all that is visible is a partial name. Sometimes it says Fruit of the Lo. This is where I imagine dwarves picking fruit like tomatoes or berries from low positions.

There is the much grosser Fruit of the Loo. Here I think of Loo as the British bathroom. As for something being fruit in there, I first of all rule out liquids because fruit is never a liquid. To me the fruit is the result of your labour in there. Perhaps it looks more like logs than normal fruit, but it is what it is.

The name can be cut off the other way, too. Ruit of the Loom comes up quite often when I am wearing my socks. I often wonder what this means. I assume the phrase is really Root of the Loom. So I think of more basic things that are loom-like. The one I most come up with is basket weaving. There you have the repeated under over pattern that baskets as well as clothes are made of.

Another interesting name that comes up is It of the Loom. I see the loom working at breakneck speed and out of this machine comes bright clothes. And then, somehow, evilly it manages to make a clown’s face as part of the weave. Then magically it comes together as a full, 3D clown. A menacing clown. Sorry, Stephen King, but despite all this horror I am still more horrified by Fruit of the Loo.

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Fun With the Fine Arts

The fine arts are fun. Ask anybody (except those who bleed, perspire or cry for their art!). Just look at some of the words used to describe the fine arts.

We’ll start off with music. Music is fun! Just look at the verb used when you are doing music. You play guitar or you play piano. Or more passively when you feel like hearing it, you play music. And play is one of the funnest verbs imaginable.

That same word, used as a noun, is in theatre. A unit of theatre is the play. It is further divided into acts and acts imply action. Of course theatre is fun with its lots of plays and lots of action. And so too is it’s younger sister, the flashier cinema where action becomes a whole genre.

So what is fun about stand up comedy? Where you have to speak in front of a crowd and deal with hecklers. Basically you are just joking around. And that can be enough fun all by itself.

But wait you say, writing fiction is a rather staid profession. What possible fun can authors have when it takes them a year or more to write a book? It’s called fiction for a reason. It is lies. Authors have the task of selling built up lies and fabrications for a profit. Why that sounds like fun to me!

But wait. What about the mother of all the arts? Simply called visual art or just art. Sketching, drawing, sculpting, painting, illustrating, inking and all other art words I can think of don’t describe fun. What is wrong with this fine art? Why can’t it be obviously fun like the rest of the fine arts?

Well it has the gravity of all the fine arts and arts being named after it. Some of the other fine arts are listed above. The arts contain all the remaining disciplines that aren’t a science. I guess that’s a huge responsibility for visual art and if it doesn’t keep itself grounded it can be a grandiose, delusional mess for the participants.

Plus there are starving artists and who wants to be that? Generally that is the fear instilled in would be artists by parents who want all doctors and lawyers as their genetic legacy. But doctors and lawyers all the way down in a family tree is boring. A starving artist is likely a nice change from the humdrum. So in a way even starving artists can be fun.

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