Little Geney

This website has talked about Barry Manilow’s Mandy and how obvious a trick the now out-of-the-closet Manilow was making with the apparent heterosexual love song. We also speculated that perhaps someone in Boston is gay with their song Amanda (a man duh!)

Another closeted gay person in 1980 was Elton John. I guess teaming up with Kiki Dee in 1976 for a love song wasn’t a good enough cover for Elton. He wrote a song and professional lyricist Gary Osborne wrote the lyrics. But I bet that Elton had input to the lyrics since he would be the one to sing this song for the rest of his career. So the song became a love song for “Little Jeannie”. How shockingly heterosexual a refrain.

Spelt like this, Jeannie is obviously a woman’s name. But Elton never spells it out. He just sings the sounds which could just as easily be little Geney or a derivative of the male name, Gene.

Why was Elton (or Gary Osborne for Elton) so specific in this love song? It is more than possible that at the time Elton had a crush on one of the famous Genes from around this time. I can name 3 famous Genes from the time. Gene Siskel (the film critic), Gene Hackman (the actor) and Gene Simmons (the bassist for Kiss).

Really, though, Siskel seems a bit stodgy and Hackman was more of a character actor than a good looking leading man, so it seems that Simmons might be more likely to bring out the attraction in Elton. As well, Elton might want to select from his own kind (fellow musicians). So I am betting that Little Jeannie was written about Simmons.

To cement this idea, drag queens are one segment of the population that seems to attract gays. And not even drag queens wear as much makeup or dress more gaudily than Gene Simmons in his full regalia. And it’s not too hard to see with the over use and over extension of his tongue and the rumours perpetrated by Kiss about how many women they had bedded, it was very possible that Gene Simmons was over compensating for something. Perhaps he might even be gay.

But the most pertinent evidence is in the fact that Kiss was more like a circus act than any other artist(s) I know. And Little Jeannie contains the strange lyric “I want you to be my acrobat, I want you to be my lover”. If that doesn’t make you think of the circus then nothing will.

But Simmons is likely heterosexual and not interested in Elton’s overtures as history shows. Still, knowing Gene Simmons, I think the main reason he didn’t accept such obvious attention from Elton was because he asked, “Little? What exactly about me seems little?!” Simmons seems to be overcompensating still, which shows in his recent attempt to trademark the Texas Longhorn’s hand gesture.

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The Trillion Dollar Family

Let’s start out with the definition of a million dollar family. This is said to be composed of a family with a mother and father that has a mini-me for each sex. I.e. there is a mother, father, daughter and son. I am going to use this strict definition of the million dollar family although I have heard a million dollar family might also be the family that wasn’t as efficient in producing mini-mes but still got there. For example there might be three daughters before a son is born to round out the family.

Because I am using the more strict definition of the million dollar family there is a 50% chance of it occurring for each heterosexual couple that only has two children. In a lesbian or gay family, in order for it to have two mini-mes there is only a 25 % occurrence of this family or half the chance. Thus I would like to call this family a 2 million dollar family.

Sticking with the idea that a million dollar family is just an efficient way to have mini-mes for the parents, I call it a billion dollar family when a son and daughter are produced by a single birth. In other words if heterosexuals got a son and daughter from a single birth of twins, that is the more efficient way to produce mini-mes and they thus get the tag of the billion dollar family.

Again, a lesbian couple having two girls as twins, has only a 25% chance of that happening whereas the billion dollar family has a 50 % chance of their family having a son and a daughter. So the lesbian couple with mini-mes as twins is a 2 billion dollar family. Gays can also have a 2 billion dollar family.

Now a trillion dollar family needs to be more efficient, still. Let’s say a single fertilized egg splits in two. Isn’t that more efficient? The problem here is that both offspring are going to be the same sex so the trillion dollar family is impossible unless lesbian or gay.

I think a trillion dollar family must also be rarer – the closer to a one in a thousand chance (compared to the billion dollar family), the more grounded in reality I think it is. So that might throw out the lesbian or gay family from being a trillion dollar baby. Identical twins are at most a factor of 10 less likely than fraternal twins. So let’s call the identical twins with the same sex parents a 20 billion dollar family.

That might seem to get rid of all the choices but I will just state that the trillion dollar family has a mother and father with transgender identical twin babies. If, as the twins age, they go through with sexual reassignment surgery then the parents would have had mini-mes — just not at the same time.

Plus, despite appearances, identical twins are different. So it would be likely that one would have the sexual reassignment surgery even years ahead of the other. The second one might wait to see how their sibling deals with being the opposite sex. If the first one has many regrets, the second one might never change their sex. So the family might even, at a glance, remind one of the original million dollar family. And that is another possible trillion dollar family.

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Giv’ ‘er Should Be the Title of the New Imagine Dragons Album

I’m just going to list the titles off the album “Evolve” and put them in a particular order with little but some explanation:

Mouth of the River
Start Over
Whatever it Takes
Walking the Wire (contains e and r)
Rise Up
Dancing in the Dark
I Don’t Know Why (which should be called “Dangerous” for its best part which is the bridge)
I’ll Make It Up To You

So that is at most two songs that don’t have both an ‘e’ and ‘r’ in them. And most of the songs have the “er” together. I believe this is both willful and premeditated on the part of Imagine Dragons.

That’s almost a home run for the “er” part of “Giv’ ‘er” but what about the “giv’”? Well the song Mouth of the River has a line that goes: “And the wrath of the giver”. So that is my rationale for why the title should be “Giv’ ‘er”.

Actually that whole chorus in Mouth of the River rhymes the “er”: “Oh the mouth of the river, And the wrath of the giver, With the hands of a sinner, Oh the mouth of the river”.

This is more fun you can have with title mining, which I think I’ve caught Imagine Dragons doing on at least two albums. Will they bring title mining to a climax on their next album? Wait about 3 years and see.

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I just recently figured what “Imma” means. It means “I am going to”. Just look at it. It’s not a proper contraction because there are no apostrophes (and wouldn’t it have to use 3 apostrophes?) and its not a proper acronym because there is no “g” or “t” and it has a useless “m”. This doesn’t use any of the shortening rules of English.

For now it’s stuck in the slang ghetto so for the time being, proper English pushers can ignore it. It’s just that English is a fluid language that keeps evolving. I bet “Imma” becomes proper English eventually. And I’m ready for that time.

I’ll insist on making my own word “malka” a proper English word, too. Currently it isn’t an English word or acronym, which is why I picked it. It stands for “my abusive licence agreement” with a silent “k”. It attacks abusive EULAs or “end user licence agreements”. Or those computer contracts that no one reads and only clicks “I agree” at the end of the too long contract.

More properly, I define it as meaning: “anyone who uses the word malka, if they represent a company that has any abusive EULA, henceforth negates all of their company’s abusive EULAs by uttering or writing or printing or typing the word malka. This lasts in perpetuity and stretches back to the 1800s when the first mechanical computers were made.”

So all that remains is acceptance of the term “malka” and the tricking of representatives of said companies into uttering this word. I dunno. I’m a science fiction writer, maybe I could suggest doing some weird science fiction thing that could be called doing a malka. Or better yet make a song with nonsensical lyrics that people are bound to repeat and throw a “malka” in there.

I know what you’re thinking. This shouldn’t work. But then abusive EULAs shouldn’t work either but some courts seem to accept them. Imma try this.

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The Warmth Stealers

You might find it oddly satisfying when you get a cat to sit on your lap and it starts purring. Ostensibly you think it is because the cat trusts you and loves to get full body massages. But that is only 2/3 of the story. They are also there to steal your warmth.

You will find that cats prefer your lap much more often in the winter, spring and fall than summer. That is what clued me in on the warmth stealing. They also like to steal the heat from baseboard heaters and even warm lights if they can get close enough (this one is likely to come to an end as more people invest in LED lights and other lighting that produces little heat). But a light has to be on and baseboard heating goes off and on, too, so they still like the lap.

Or the bottom of the lap. Ever notice that when you get up in the cooler months from an insulated couch that a cat has stolen your spot? They are just sopping up the warmth that you left unguarded. So you can either force the cat to move or entice the cat to move. That is if you still want the spot the cat has stolen. This is usually true of a favoured viewpoint to watch the television.

So I present a way to entice your cat out of a favoured location. This method hopefully avoids a confrontation with our cat overlords.

First of all decide on a spot that your cat can curl up in. It must be insulated and comfortable like the spot that you just had stolen from you.

Secondly, sit in the spot for 5 or 10 minutes. It helps if the spot also has a half decent view of the television or is elsewise good enough for the 5 to 10 minutes you will be in it.

Thirdly, you must remove yourself from the spot you don’t want. Warning: this isn’t a very good plan in a 2 cat household. In that eventuality, the second cat is likely to grab this second warm spot. Which means you must soldier on to spot number three and waste another 5 or 10 minutes.

Fourthly, the hope is that your cat moves itself to the new warm spot. Also, if your cat feels too lazy to move this plan can backfire because of that, too.

Finally, you can sit in the favoured spot or you can call your cat a lazy no good bum.

And that is the plan. Use it wisely, grasshoppers.

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If a Critic Critiqued Science Papers as a Whole

My suspension of disbelief is thrown off almost immediately with these science papers. They exist in such exotic locales. For example these tall tales exist in: 1)Volcano caves buried under miles of ice on Antarctica, 2) Old mines, many miles under the Earth’s surface, 3) A 27 kilometer ring that collides particles together at near light speed, 4) an observatory on top of the tallest mountain in the world 5) almost any close space locale, 6) the darkest parts of the rain forest, or any other unlikely settings.

These settings stretch our imaginations too much when readers should only be expected to know the ins and outs of the city of New York and their own town or city. And the only reason New York is allowed is because all the publishers have offices in that city.

One thing that is charming about these science papers is the use of the first person ‘I’ or the first group ‘we’. This method of story telling usually has me so engrossed that I get into the story right away. Like the series The Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny it sucks most people in.

The use of the first person to draw you in is more than countered by the motivation of the I or we character(s). There seems to be a care for such minutiae that it pulls me right out of the story again.

Then there are the info dumps. One info dump follows the other to the end of these papers. The info dump is so severe it’s almost as if the reader needed to know everything so they could replicate it in some exotic locale much like the writers of these papers used.

Where is the build to the climax? The conclusion is just reported on. Has no one told these scientists that all good writing follows the simple rule, “show don’t tell”. Well they all break this rule again and again. I can’t blame them, though. The writing is about such esoteric things that even with telling I find I didn’t understand most of what has been said.

So I must leave these papers with a rating of one half a star out of five. “Nyeah!” I say to the people who put me onto this critique, expecting me to give a rating of zero stars. But I have always been a sucker for first person. It’s just too bad they didn’t have an unreliable narrator, because this review would have been a one star out of five.

And I have been told that with unreliable narrators science wouldn’t progress.

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The Web that Spiderman Weaves

Marvel comics swears that Spiderman’s webs dissolve which is why there are not crews to clean up Spiderman’s webslingings all over the city. But that is a simple answer for what I fear is a more complex problem.

Let’s examine the properties of his spider silk. It needs to be strong so as to support Spiderman’s acrobatic weight. Secondly it must be very sticky so that one end can easily latch onto a building’s concrete, glass or cladding and still support Spiderman’s weight.

As well, criminals are not stupid. If one found that carrying a knife could cut them out of Spiderman’s webbing, they would also carry this simple tool to get themselves unwebbed.

And the silk must not dissolve for a webbed bag of criminals destined for the police and courtesy of your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman. At least not until the police want to release said criminals to get in their squad cars and be sent to jail.

Let’s say on average, a security guard patrols every 4 hours an area where Spiderman might leave his bag o’ criminals. Then the security guard must phone the police and wait for them to arrive.

Then, between the checking of the security cameras to find what happened and the police arriving much later (there is no rush because the criminals are just hanging there waiting to be released), I imagine Spiderman’s webbing must last at least eight hours before dissolving.

Which means that those long strings of silk that Spiderman swings on are just left for the morning high traffic times. And every swing by Spiderman is another 100 foot length of silk just waiting to cause problems.

Car wheels are going to go over the webbing and it will stick more to the wheel than the building because a larger surface area of the sticky stuff is caught by the wheel than holds it onto the building. As the wheel turns the webbing could get stuck on the axle forcing the axle off the car and ruining it. This will cause accidents with other cars.

Toddlers are early risers. What if one of them is taken outside? The first thing the toddler will do on encountering the web is put it in its mouth. The toddler’s mouth will be shut tight and it will be unable to eat for another 8 hours.

Bigger kids would likely try to imitate Spiderman by swinging on the leftover silk strands. All this will accomplish is to have the kid ram into the building the spider silk is attached to and be stuck there beside the building unable to remove their hands from the silk.

A street cleaner will be no help as its bristles will get stuck after a few revolutions, either breaking the machine or making it wait another 8 hours to become useful again.

The wind might blow the spider silk into a large building’s entrance where it sticks over the door. If the door opens inwards people might think they can still get through. But if they over estimate how much room they have to get through, their hair might be stuck for a full working day to that spider silk. Now a scissors is unlikely to work on the spider silk but they can cut off some of their own hair to gain their freedom. Spiderman’s city is a city with adults that look like they let their children cut their hair.

All these problems and more are likely to occur after a Spiderman patrol. Do yourself a favour and don’t welcome Spiderman to your city.

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Television Dreams

I grew up outside of Elmira, Ontario an area known for its old order mennonites. Old order mennonites are much like the Amish and reject 20th and 21st century technology. They get around by horse and buggy, have no electricity in their homes, and their churches are called meeting houses.

I went to school with some of them. The males leave school at 12 years old when they are considered to be of prime working age to work on the farm. Most of the females leave at the end of grade 8.

As non old order mennonites, we laughed at this rejection of technology and culture. If I were a boy, I would always have worn dark trousers with suspenders and a white shirt with a dark jacket and possibly a straw hat. All the girls wore flower print dresses and had their hair down in two braids, one for each side of their head.

But our culture was different. We could do anything we wanted with technology the height of which seemed to be television and the telephone. Sure there were things like answering machines but only Jim Rockford had one of those. And at the end of the seventies, video arcades were just starting. But television ruled supreme as the dominating technology that whiled away more hours than anything else.

So we laughed at the mennonites who didn’t have this window on the world and were stuck with only toys and games from the 1800s.

Television showed us many things but a lot of shows passed by us almost unknown. There had to be a hook that got to us somehow. Stalwarts like Happy Days and Little House on the Prairie entranced us. Who wouldn’t want to be the Fonz, able to fix anything with the proper hit of the jukebox or motorcycle.

And we loved following the adventures of Laura Ingalls in her twin braids hung down with her flower print dresses. People from that time used to get around by horse and buggy and that too was a draw. She must have lived in a finer time because she had adventures every week.

It was fascinating watching these kids who would use only toys and games from the 1800s. Despite all our technology, we couldn’t help but dreaming about colonizing the American prairies.

How could we explain this all to our friends, the old order mennonites? Having never watched Little House on the Prairie or any television for that matter, how could they understand? I imagine that the suspension of disbelief for this show might have been too much for them.

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Title Mining is Strong in Imagine Dragons

For their first album I wrote a post to show how every Imagine Dragons song on their first album had a title that had been used earlier. As a control, I compared it with a Kate Bush CD which also had 12 songs. She only had 2 unoriginal titles.

Well for their 2nd album Imagine Dragons’ first release had an original title: “I Bet My Life.” It was followed up by the singles “Shots” and “Gold” which at first glance from me were original titles till I looked further down the list of Duck Duck Go matches.

These singles on Smoke + Mirrors were no where near as popular as the songs on Night Vision according to Vevo counts on Youtube. I think Imagine Dragons lost a large proportion of the pro title mining crowd. Scared of the unfamiliar titles, fans either didn’t buy or didn’t get the word out to the rest of the public. Some are quick to say “Sophomore jinx” but I think Imagine Dragon fans just love title mining.

Their latest album “Evolve” had a first single called “Believer”. Why just a couple years ago American Authors released a single with the same name. So it is obvious to everyone that the title was mined. Currently it has two and a half times the number of hits on Youtube as the most successful song on their second album.

And I found no less than three other songs on the album that have been large hits before. Rise Up was a big hit for Parachute Club in the eighties, Dancing in the Dark is a Bruce Springsteen classic and Yesterday was one of many big hits by the Beatles.

Sure there are 3 tracks on the 11 track album whose titles might be unique: Mouth of the River, Thunder, and Walking the Wire. It’s just that Thunder and Walking the Wire have many similar titles making them seem unoriginal, too. Maybe Imagine Dragons don’t want to alienate fans of their sophomore album with its more original titles. Still, the vast majority of songs used title mining. So I bet they are going to stick with that. Really, its like cutting off Sampson’s hair.

But I have a challenge for Imagine Dragons. Artists gave up a long time ago on having totally original song titles. But there seems to be less freedom for the artist in coming up with album titles. In fact, I can’t name any two albums that have the same name.

I dare Imagine Dragons to do this. Perhaps it will be an easy thing. They could use an unoriginal title of one of their songs for their album’s name. That way they could be doubly title mining for both the album and song. If they do this, I bet they will become the premier rock band of our time.

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In Search of Justin Trudeau’s Middle Class

It’s a question I had often wondered about but never found by my own thoughts. So I started to ask it out loud.

First of all I know that I am not a part of Justin Trudeau’s middle class. I’ve watched his announcements and pronouncements and he often says he is helping the middle class. But he has never helped me so I simply cannot be part of his middle class.

So I’ve begun asking people, “Are you a part of Justin Trudeau’s middle class?” Most are perplexed by the question and answer “I don’t know.” So I go further and ask, “Has Justin Trudeau ever given you a helping hand?” Most times I get the answer, “What? A politician help me? Ha ha ha!”

So I continued my quest and question. I’ve also gotten the assertion that, “Of course I’m part of the middle class!” But then I ask if Justin Trudeau has ever helped them and most say, “No, no, I only help myself. I’d starve to death if I’d have to rely on politicians.”

But the odd person is insistent. “Yes I am a part of the middle class. So I must be part of Justin Trudeau’s middle class, too.”

“But has Justin Trudeau ever helped you? That’s the definition of Justin Trudeau’s middle class.”

“I don’t know, but he must have, then.” Most have clenched teeth at this point.

The quest to find Justin Trudeau’s middle class would have continued for I don’t know how long, until I had a brainstorm. I checked the provinces’ Sunshine lists of those civil servants making over $100 000 per year. I started trying to contact these people. I contacted a few. Half didn’t know but the other half said “Yes, I believe I am part of Justin Trudeau’s middle class for I have received some minor help from him.”

The trend was more obvious when I matched salaries to those in the know. Justin had helped the richer ones on the list.

It was as obvious as my middle finger on my hand. “Middle” is a vague word. To qualify, the middle class could easily be defined as having a salary somewhere between $200 000 per year to $49 151 064 per year or less than E. Hunter Harrison makes courtesy of Canadian Pacific Railway Ltd. E. Hunter Harrison could be the lone salaried employee in the upper class.

To confirm, I checked Justin Trudeau’s policy and followed some of the governmental moneys spent. So I am now convinced that Justin’s middle class is exactly as stated above. My only problem with this is how could he exclude E. Hunter Harrison from all this largesse without inviting him to scream “Discrimination!”? Then I had it. Justin never said he wasn’t helping the upper class, too.

So now I think I have found Justin Trudeau’s middle class. Neoliberalism calls for neodefinitions.

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