A Champagne By Any Other Name

Posted on 17 May 2025 by Larry Russwurm

The name Champagne is trademarked across the world and only means sparkling wine from the Champagne region of France. So if you dare to use the name for anything other than this, be prepared to be sued to your 15th generation descendant.

But Champagne has a nickname – bubbly. While that likely can’t be trademarked like Champagne, a derivation has been. Bubly is the line of sparkling water with different flavours.

Now let’s say at some future date that the Champagne region of France intends to use the more cutesy name, bubbly, in advertisements for their sparkling wine. But they make the mistake of spelling it bubly. Couldn’t Bubly sue big Champagne so badly that Champagne prices have to be doubled or tripled to pay for it?

It would be funny to see Champagne on the wrong side of the law.

Of course this is a two edged sword, and I wouldn’t like to see the other sparking wine makers making the same mistake and being similarly sued by Bubly.

But then maybe other sparking wine makers could advertise themselves as bubbly with a bite. Thus there would be little legal reason to sue them if they mistakenly left out a b in bubbly, as it would certainly not be the sparkling water that they are trying to use the good name of. Then perhaps things would be okay for the makers of sparkling wine.

But wait. Barq’s root beer pop has the slogan Barq’s has bite. Perhaps sparkling wine couldn’t use that as an out. They’d just be sued by a different soft drink maker. Barq’s may mean caffeine instead of alcohol but I think they would definitely have a case that could successfully be prosecuted.

So maybe the sparkling wine makers could find a word that is somewhat like bite to mean they have alcohol in them. Maybe sting would work. How does “Bubbly with a sting,” sound?

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The Mighty Mississippi

Posted on 3 May 2025 by Larry Russwurm

The mighty Mississippi is not as mighty as it should be. At 3 770 km in total length, the Mississippi river isn’t even in the top ten rivers in the world. It sits at number 13 in that category. The Missouri River is longer and sits at the 10th longest river in the world.

But generally speaking, a river system is the longest length of water from its farthest tip to its mouth. In that case the Mississippi-Missouri is 6270 km long and the 4th longest river in the world. Why oh why is this not listed as one river, instead of the not so mighty Mississippi?

The United states just had to have a continental divide. The Mississippi was chosen for being mainly a north and south river that neatly split the US almost into halves. For decades in the 1800s, there was the east side of the river which was considered civilized and the western side which was considered wild and untamed.

So you could say you were the fastest gun west of the Mississippi. And that meant something in the gun obsessed west. Or you could say she was the finest dressed lady east of the Mississippi and that meant a lot because there were so many women dressed fine in the east.

Sitting on the west side of the Mississippi, St. Louis called itself the gateway to the west. That’s one reason for their giant archway, welcoming people to the west. And Texas says it’s the old west because it is west of the Mississippi delta.

Anyhow, the Mississippi as it is, is convenient, just not so mighty.

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Positive Role Models for the Overweight

Posted on 19 April 2025 by Larry Russwurm

Mike and Molly was a television show that tried to have positive role models with its two overweight leads. They both meet at an Overeaters Anonymous and end up having a romance. That romance is complicated by all their friends and relatives.

Molly was played by the very successful Melissa McCarthy. Mike was played by Billy Gardell who went on to play Bob in Bob Hearts Abishola.

The interesting thing about Bob Hearts Abishola is that Bob is initially a very heavy set man but loses a lot of weight, right before our eyes as the show proceeds.

That weight loss may have felt like a betrayal for some viewers who might be overweight and happy to see a second love story for a very heavy set man. However, right from Mike and Molly, we were introduced to Billy Gardell’s character as having been someone who wants to lose weight at overeaters anonymous. Isn’t that a natural progression to losing weight? Especially since the second series scares Billy Gardell’s character with a heart attack.

Rebel Wilson was a bit of a heroine for heavy set women. Until she had her year of health in 2020 and started exercising up to 2 ½ hours a day (mainly walking). She also had a low sugar/high protein diet, was flexible with eating (allowing some cheats), used Ozempic for some of it, and focused on health and not just weight loss.

Anyhow she did it and now people see a thinner, healthier woman and not the body positive role model for the overweight. The same with Adele and Kelly Clarkson.

Many celebrities, if overweight, reach a point where they have enough money and time to do something about their bodies. And most do, now that there are effective weight loss drugs.

Meghan Trainor is most famous for her song, “All About That Bass” where bass stood for excess weight. But I guess she wasn’t all about her fan base. She credits Mounjaro with doing some of the most heavy lifting in her weight loss. Now she, too, is a thin person.

I’m just waiting for Ashley Graham, the body positive, overweight model to shed some pounds. That I think will be the last time that people will not see that money and time will almost certainly lead to weight loss in the overweight. That and the vanity of being a celebrity.

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Did Ovechkin Have Help Breaking the Goals Record?

Posted on 12 April 2025 by Larry Russwurm

Did Ovechkin have an assist from someone other than a teammate in breaking the record amount of goals scored in the NHL? Has he been using steroids?

The previous record holder for lifetime goals scored was Wayne Gretzky. He was assisted in his record by having a 92 goal and an 87 goal season. Ovechkin’s best year was 65 goals scored. Obviously Gretzky at his peak was a lot better than Ovechkin.

Yes, Ovechkin has a much more consistent record of goals scored per year. Still there are some anomalies. Just last year, he only had 31 goals. How come this year he already has 42 goals? To be honest, I thought I would be writing this post next season, not this season.

In 2011 and 2012, he finish with only 32 and 38 goals in each season. In 2013 he had 32 goals in only 48 games played. Then he had a run of three 50 goal seasons. Maybe he started steroids in 2013.

It’s not like Russian athletes don’t use steroids. Russia was in bad standing with the IOC and not allowed to compete from the 2014 Olympics in Sochi till just a couple years ago. The ban was extended because of the Russian war on Ukraine.

Why have no other countries been banned from competing? Others have been caught cheating, too. Well the Sochi Olympic cheating was systemic in their efforts and had state sponsored doping by Russia. Also Russia has been caught the most times of any nation using drugs at the Olympics.

Anyhow, Ovechkin likely has had a chance to use performance enhancing drugs. If he hasn’t, wonderful. I still think it’s likely that he has. Remember a couple of years ago I accused Joe Pavelski of the Dallas Stars of the same thing. Dallas is my favourite team in the NHL. But players doing so well in their late 30s strikes me as suspicious.

I don’t know if the NHL ever tests its players for use of steroids. So maybe all I’ll ever have are my suspicions. But baseball has had big stars admit to it later in life. Maybe this will happen to Ovechkin. Maybe the story isn’t over.

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Little Drummer Cat

Posted on 5 April 2025 by Larry Russwurm

My pretty black cat, Bast, died two weeks ago. So I looked over all the posts under the tag “cats” in my blog. It was a nice walk through memory lane.

My favourite fact about Bast was that she used to whip her tail back and forth all the time, even when she was purring. So much for cats needing to be agitated to move their tails. She did it all the time when she was awake.

Anyhow, as noted in The Uniqueness of Humanity, I noticed that she was doing this to the beat of the song The Scientist by Coldplay that I was playing.

It’s not that I’m extremely observant. It’s just that her tail was hitting the wood of the headboard of my bed with every beat. So it was really obvious. She was like a little drummer cat.

I had heard from somewhere that humans are the only creatures that match rhythm. I am glad that Bast torpedoed this incorrect postulate.

And, after this, I was aware that Bast’s tail was matching the beats of other songs, too, I just hadn’t been noticing,

Rest in peace little drummer cat.

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Fight, Flight or Freeze

Posted on 22 March 2025 by Larry Russwurm

It may have been Jewel’s song, Standing Still, where I first had an inkling that a fight or flight response might be too simplistic. Here’s her relevant lyrics, “Between fight and flight is the blind man’s sight and a choice that’s right.”

What does she suggest is the blind man’s choice? Why the title of the song is Standing Still. Now I couldn’t come up with a third rhyming word to keep the fight or flight response as cute as could be. However I did keep the word starting with an F and one syllable. I say that it is a fight, flight or freeze response to dangerous stimuli.

Of course a blind man shouldn’t fight, because he is likely to lose. And he shouldn’t run because he is likely to trip, run into a tree or run off a cliff. So freezing is right for the blind man. How can that be right for the rest of us?

Fight or flight is more like an army’s response to things or possibly even the police’s response to things. So what job would be better suited by freezing? Why a reporter or a security guard where the most important things are to observe and report.

Also, I’m not talking normal freezing. Like fight or flight I mean doing it with adrenaline. That means that things seem to slow down, the memory seems to work better and in general you are just a better observer of the situation.

How would we evolve to have adrenaline help us better in observing while freezing?

Say a big creature kills one of your small group while going somewhere. The freezer could come back to the village cave and draw a picture of the creature that did it on the wall. Or if it is a locally known and thus named species, the freezer could just say its name and how all the events unfolded.

Also freeze is good for baby creatures. When the mom or parent is killed, it is not smart for the little ones to attack the bigger killer. They might not be fast enough to outrun the killer. If the killer leaves them alone, the freezer will grow up to have a better handle on danger.

So its not just fight or flight. It is fight, flight, or freeze. In this case, it is a rock star that made it obvious to many.

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An America Sandwich Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 15 March 2025 by Larry Russwurm

Since Trump has decided the Gulf of Mexico should be renamed the Gulf of America, perhaps he should look to other areas that America has been slighted in, such as the animal kingdom.

Canada geese spend half their time down south, in places that don’t freeze over. So, to be consistent, Trump should call these America geese.

Some Americans might object to the name change. I’ve heard that some Americans don’t like how the geese poop everywhere and generally make a nuisance of themselves. That’s exactly how Canadians view Americans as doing. So make the change, Donald.

*

So what happens to werewolves during a lunar eclipse? Lunar eclipses always happen on a full moon. Do werewolves suddenly switch back to human at this time?

Well clouds occult the full moon all the time. There seems to be no difference in werewolf behaviour because of this.

However, the lunar eclipse also turns the moon blood red. Surely no good can follow such a colour change. Maybe werewolves become more bloodthirsty during such an event and kill for no reason at all.

*

I think Americans are smug that they wholly contain one of the great lakes and own half of the rest of them, But they don’t wholly own one great lake.

Lake Michigan just seems to be owned by the Americans. But the professionals will tell you otherwise. That’s not a river connecting Lake Michigan to Lake Huron. That’s a channel. There is no change in elevation. So Lake Michigan is at the same level and is the same lake as Lake Huron. Lake Huron is bigger so the combined lake would be called Lake Huron.

This combined lake is bigger in surface area than Lake Superior. So it is the largest fresh water lake in the world. Which would make the name, Lake Superior, incorrect. I smell naming rights for that lake.

Trump may try to have the lake named after him. But, to be frank, Lake Trump sounds stupid. Also the lake would have been downgraded from Superior to Trump. Trump couldn’t be associated with such a loser.

So let’s call it Lake Gitche Gumee just like in the Gordon Lightfoot song, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. This is the Ojibwa name for the lake.

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Betting on the Oscars

Posted on 8 March 2025 by Larry Russwurm

The Oscar awards need more stats. Enough so the big gambling companies can make a huge amount of money off of the proceedings. In each category, I would like to see how the approximately 10 000 votes went, exactly. Then I could try placing a bet for Demi Moore winning best actress by a 1 000 votes or some such number.

Or you could bet on whether nominees win, place or show in their categories. You could even have an exactor or a triactor, like in horse racing. Of course it wouldn’t pay off as much because there are fewer nominees than horses in a horse race.

I’ve also heard there are ad campaigns for certain nominees to win. This should be made public for the purpose of gambling as well. Then gamblers could say well nominee A hardly campaigned at all whereas nominee B spent a small fortune on advertising. This information may be crucial for their wagering.

Then of course the best picture voting is done differently. It is actually a ranked ballot. That is where you rank the nominees from 1 to 10 from your favourite to your least favourite. First, the least favourite nominee is knocked out of the voting. Then the second least favourite is knocked out. All until one picture has 50% of the vote and is declared the winner.

You could use exactor and triactor betting on this. But, importantly, it would be a way to improve ranked ballot knowledge which is often used in politics. Like the Liberal Party of Canada is using in its vote for a leader to replace Justin Trudeau.

For better breakdowns of the voting, I think it is best for each voter to identify themselves in a category, for which they are most known for. Like actor, director, editor, producer, etc. Then we could break down each win further. Thus we could have the favourite actor’s actor, the favourite director’s actor, or the favourite producer’s editor. You would be able to bet in all categories.

Price Waterhouse Cooper have tabulated the results for many years, with only two people knowing the final result before the announcement. That system would have to change. Can’t Oscar use automated vote tabulators? If it’s good enough for politicians, then it should be good enough for the academy. Then we could do this more complicated numbers system that I would like to see at the Oscars.

Then betting advertisements would dominate the ads on the Oscars show. And perhaps more viewers would be enticed because they, personally, would have something to win or lose in the show. With all that betting and the stars, perhaps Oscars ratings wouldn’t slip any further.

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Hockey Sandwich – Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 1 March 2025 by Larry Russwurm

Let’s go back to the Four Nations Cup. In the first game with Canada against the US, the Americans started 3 fights in the first 10 seconds. This surprising turn of events, eventually led to the Americans defeating Canada in that match.

But the Americans were overconfident. They did not start the second match with 3 fights in the first ten seconds. This lack of emotion in the second Canada/US match up and series crowning game put the US at a disadvantage.

Not only that, but the Canadians could now see that the Americans were quitters. They had started with a strategy that they had not followed up on. And that is why Canada won the series.

*

If I had a time machine, I know exactly which event in history I would like to erase. Hopefully this travesty would never be thought of again,

I would kill the person who first came up with silent letters in writing.

The problem is, whoever did such a dastardly deed, hid their tracks well and there is no way of knowing when exactly they started.

But I would start with Ptolemy’s parents. I would butter them up. Where did you come up with the idea of an extra letter in his name? I would ask. From there I would trace it back to its very beginning. I might have to kill the originator. Possibly that would be Ptolemy’s parents. Either way, I won’t be forced to write Ptolemy again.

*

Canadians love to lament that the NHL is not giving Canada enough hockey teams. Quebec City and Hamilton both really, really want a team. But the NHL is standing firm.

Well I have a surefire way of getting Canada a hockey team. The only problem with it, is that it will take a few years for the plan to come to fruition.

The plan has worked twice before. It is simply to give the city of Atlanta a hockey team.

Yes it has worked twice before. After the Atlanta Flames went belly up, they became the Calgary Flames. After the Atlanta Thrashers went belly up, they became the Winnipeg Jets. It can be done and has been done. It has directly resulted in a Canadian NHL team 100% of the time.

The only thing that might foil this plan is that the people of Atlanta might decide they like hockey.

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Reverse Stomach Growling

Posted on 15 February 2025 by Larry Russwurm

There is an ad on television, to promote school meal programs, that relies on the stomach growling of young kids to illustrate that they are hungry. I am all for meal programs for these hungry kids, it’s just that I don’t think that stomach growling is a universal sign of hunger.

You see, I am a reverse stomach growler. That’s right, my stomach is most likely to growl after I have already eaten. It’s not even a close thing. At least 90% of the time, my stomach growls when I am full. This even makes sense. My stomach growls when it has something to work on. I don’t know how the rest of you can have stomach growls when you have nothing in there to make the sounds.

I’m just saying if adults relied on stomach growls to tell if a child is hungry, they might run into a bit of trouble.

When I was younger, for instance, if a teacher had discovered my stomach growling, they might put me into a meal program, even though I was already fed. Then they would notice that my 6 brothers and sisters didn’t have stomach growling symptoms.

The principal would be called in and they would conclude that my family was deliberately excluding me from food but not my brothers and sisters. Such a sick home environment would not only result in me being taken away from my family but the rest of my siblings might be taken away as well.

Then I would be forced into the meal program despite my protestations that I’m full. “Look, Larry, I can hear your stomach growling. We know what’s best for you.”

So I would eat an extra meal that later would result in my stomach growling so they would feed me some more. Soon I would be a very overweight young kid.

Some might wonder why I was still in a meals program despite being very overweight. But then my stomach would growl and they would all say “Of course. This must just be his natural weight when he is fed enough.” That stomach growl could be used as justification for all the bad things that came about.

Not all stomach growls mean hunger pangs. I’m tired of being thought of as weird.

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