Traditional Ninjas Again

“I think too many bad guys know the key to face off against Mother Earth Force. That’s to do it when there is a fire. That way Near Absolute Hero can’t attend,” said Modern Ninja as they raced to the Big Smoke’s premiere art gallery.

Tail said, “It might be our three ninjas again. Those three and Flame Tosser are the only criminals who seem to be in the know.”

Meanwhile Mother Earth was driving the car faster and more safely than any human could do it.

“Ooh it might be those three traditional ninjas. Prisons weren’t built to hold ninjas for too long.”

The sirens they had been hearing coming from another direction had stopped. Still their car drove wildly for another minute then slowed down as the lights of the police lit everything up in the area. They were a block from the art gallery and intended to stay there.

“That’s at least two directions they didn’t come from. Ours and the police’s,” said Mother Earth.

“And likely the police came from more than one direction. Perhaps you can look it up through various cameras in the vicinity.”

“Already on it,” stated Mother Earth. “I am also copying the art gallery’s cameras for the last half hour.”

“So we wait,” sighed Tail.

“Not too long,” said Mother Earth. It only took five seconds before she continued. “Out of 7 roads coming to the gallery, the police arrived from 3 directions and we came from a fourth direction. Likely the thieves disappeared in one of the other three roads. We’ll check those out but first we must find what the thieves look like.”

“We don’t know it was thieves, yet,” said Modern Ninja.

“Harumph!” shot back Mother Earth. “Breaking in to an art gallery? Of course it was.”

Modern Ninja wanted to say ‘assuming makes an ass out of u and me’ but Mother Earth already knew that little phrase and was busy speeding the work of the night along. So Modern Ninja just folded her arms across her chest. It was only another 5 second wait.

“Look on the center dash screen.” said Mother Earth.

Three dark figures got out of an SUV, then gathered on the art gallery side and suddenly they were awash in light. After being blinded for a few seconds the camera automatically changed its sensitivity and they could see three mining helmets, each with the light pointing perpendicular to each side of an equilateral triangle. This way the light was pointing in all directions. You’d need good luck to sneak up on them.

“Do you think it is our three ninjas?” asked Modern Ninja.

“Yes. But they seem to be throwing the ninja invisibility thing so far down in the trash that it comes out in Australia.” replied Tail.

The three bright ninjas entered the building at the old entrance where the older Kreighoffs were displayed. They each grabbed 2 of these each, then fled to their SUV. They were gone before the police even arrived.

The SUV went down the tiniest feeder street for a couple blocks and then was off camera. The SUV never came on camera again.

Mother Earth sighed, “We’re never going to catch them tonight. They stuffed the loot into another car and got away. But I tipped the police off to the rough location of the SUV. Maybe they left prints or other clues.”

And with that, Mother Earth Force was done for the night.

Posted in comics, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mother Earth Force: Wherein the Creator Realizes He Missed Something Obvious

Traditional Ninja contacted the Ninja league from the Kingston Jail where himself, Nuclear Submarine and Eagle were being held for their past crimes. The Ninja League managed to arrange it so that the three of them were moved to one big cell.

Under this cell, years ago, previous inmates had dug a tunnel to the outside. The league informed the three that these earlier inmates had indeed escaped but had been caught a week later. They were transferred and the warden promised there would be no more escapes. So he sealed the tunnel at both ends.

But the warden liked to save money. So instead of filling the whole tunnel with earth and tamping it down, he just sealed in air. The concrete seals were just a couple inches thick. It was thus, only a matter of smuggling in proper equipment. The three ninjas managed to work through the concrete seals, quietly, in only a couple weeks.

Free at last, they worked on deciding what was their downfall. Sure it was the Mother Earth Force but did that group have any weaknesses? So they discussed their encounters.

Modern Ninja was the biggest thorn in their side. So they got the Ninja League to get footage of their encounters with her. But in the footage, where the three ninjas had seen Modern Ninja from different perspectives, there was no Modern Ninja. Not only was she invisible to her intended target, but she was invisible from all cameras it seemed.

Eventually the three ninjas sat down in their new lair and decided that the recordings had all been tampered with and they couldn’t zero in on her weaknesses any further. Still they discussed their situation and what it was that someone had gone to such great lengths to hide.

Finally Eagle mentioned something about his experience with Modern Ninja that let in a smidgen of light. “You know, both times before I was attacked by her, I got an impression of darkening before I was struck by her.”

“No kidding?”asked Nuclear submarine. “Me too. But I can’t quite place my finger on exactly what it was. Maybe she becomes a shadow instead of a person?!

Traditional Ninja stood up with all the excitement of these memory fragments. “I know! She’s invisible from a point but she still leaves a shadow!”

“That’s what they were trying to hide in all the recordings. If we play our cards right, the three of us should be able to beat Modern Ninja and Tail.

They were excited to be viable again. So they planned and ingested drugs that only a true ninja can tolerate. After, they had a plan they could execute in the Big Smoke.

Posted in comics, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Frank Bombs

Lately frank bombs have been going off. You know, like the ones in the Wizard of Oz. When the scarecrow is told by the wizard that he had a brain all along, the tin man had a heart and the cowardly lion had bravery. It had been shown all along they had these traits but the characters just needed to see this. The wizard was their frank bomb.

A frank bomb just went off in the circus around Britney Spears. The documentary, Framing Britney Spears gives a history of how things went wrong for Britney. It makes the media and others look bad, Indeed Justin Timberlake issued an apology for his post breakup treatment of Britney. (Timberlake even [finally] apologized to Janet Jackson for nipplegate, too.) After this documentary’s frank bomb went off, most are in agreement that Britney should be free of the conservatorship her father has her in.

Let’s be honest. The woman had mental health problems. That’s all. The press made it sound like chaos was imminent. The vast majority of those that have mental illness never have a conservatorship forced upon them. Even if it’s possible she needed one at the time, those with mental illness learn to cope. She certainly should be free of any conservatorship now. Boom! The frank bomb went off. Now most people agree with the slogan “free Britney”.

A frank bomb just went off for me living in Canada with the queen as my figurehead. They could have put that piece about Prince Phillip being in the hospital, anywhere in the newscast. Harry and Megan finalizing their rift with the royals could also have been in any part of the newscast, too. It’s politics after all. But they put both in the entertainment part of the newscast. I laughed. Boom! A frank bomb went off.

A frank bomb should go off around Donald Trump. This man never wanted to be President of the United States of America. He wanted the power he thought the president had. Which is really the power of the Dictator of the United States of America. After getting in office it was clear that Trump fawned over dictators like Kim Jong-un.

It was kind of like Britney’s song Lucky where she dreams of being a Hollywood actress. Then in real life gets to be a Hollywood actress in Crossroads. Well Trump dreamed about being a dictator. Then set it up so in real life he almost got to be one. But we know the insurrection failed. So far. Let’s not ever let Trump be in a position to be dictator again.

Some of his fans think they’d like him as a dictator. They’re delusional. If the United States became a dictatorship under Trump, in 10 years the US would be no more powerful than China. Indeed the reason why China is behind the United States, still, is because they are a dictatorship. Dictatorships don’t promote top of the line thinking. They promote survival thinking.

In short: Trump’s way leads to “we’re number two” for the US. The other way leads to the US keeping its position as top dog around the world. That is the frank bomb I think we need to hear.

Posted in Music, Politics, Stage and Screen, Wee Bit O' Humour, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Gutters Are For Bowling

The television advertisement for Leaf Filter drives me batty. They tell me that they can install over your gutters and keep leaves and other debris out of the gutters. But to me, gutters aren’t a part of the house. They exist only in bowling.

Since this commercial is fed to me on a regular basis, you would think that the company is paying a lot. But they didn’t bother to do their research. In my area, roof gutters are always referred to as eavestroughs. Why didn’t Leaf Filter bother uncovering this and figure out that referring to eavestroughs as gutters would piss off their potential customers? If I were in the market for such a system, I would ignore Leaf Filter’s pleas and go for a different system. Petty? Yes. Do your research next time.

I like how American television shows are set in various locations around the country. Friends was set in New York, Married With Children was set in Chicago, the NCISes tell you what city they’re in and Cheers was set in Boston. How’s that for being inclusive when most of these shows were shot in Hollywood?

But that same Cheers has precisely no one in the cast with a Boston accent. Now I’ve never been to Boston so I don’t know that everyone would have a Boston accent. Boston is a big center that I’m sure attracts people from all over the country, most of whom wouldn’t have the famed accent. Still, in a setting like the Cheers bar, I think almost everyone would have an accent. Only Frasier is likely to be an out-of-towner. So this leads to the question: Aren’t Bostonians more pissed off than pleased with Cheers’ portrayal of the locals?

My answer is up above in the abuse of the word gutter. I would be annoyed.

But then again, After suffering through a million books and television shows that have New York as their setting, you might be happy to see Boston used as a setting for a change. You can chalk up the strange accents as just a way to make Boston more easily understood by the outside.

Honestly I think I am going to puke if I hear another story where different boroughs of New York are named for different settings of the work. Unless you set up the boroughs as being very different from each other, I don’t care because I don’t live there. Now if you said the crime happened in Staten Island because most if not all New York crimes occur in Staten Island, I would be intrigued. Otherwise, don’t waste my time.

It sounds like it’s a mixed blessing having your town become a setting. Perhaps it’s good to make some of your in jokes national or even international. Perhaps it’s bad to have your town reduced to a few stereotypes one show chooses to represent. Whether you see it as mixed well or badly might simply come down to whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist. Or whether you’re a Bostonian who says gutters when you should be saying eavestroughs.

Posted in Geography, Humour, Language | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pluto Got Demoted – Could Neptune Be Next?

I’ve been wracking my mind, trying to figure out a way to demote Neptune from being a planet. Size doesn’t work because if we demote Neptune, we demote all the rocky planets, including Earth.

Demoting Neptune for being gaseous doesn’t work because this would demote Jupiter which is the largest planet. I’ve heard it said the solar system consists of the Sun, Jupiter and debris.

And if we go by mass, Uranus is almost identical to Neptune. So both might be passed up. And of course we can’t have this. The whole point for dropping Neptune as a planet is so Uranus can be the rear end of the solar system.

We could ignore history and swap the names of the last two planets. That would mess with my mnemonic Man Very Early Made Jars Stand Up Nearly (there used to be a Perfectly). But it makes more sense if it’s Man Very Early Made Jars Stand Nearly Up.

And wouldn’t it make even more sense that Uranus would have the Great Dark Spot?

Of course this makes sense only as an English pun. So the rest of the world’s people will get no pleasure out of Uranus being the butt of the jokes in the solar system.

Anyway, the end of the solar system, whether it be Neptune or Uranus is really, really gassy. Which brings me to the question, if we were to take the gas from Uranus, would it be really smelly or would it have no smell at all?

I, for one, am not going to let my tax dollars go to solving this mystery. I don’t wish the test on my worst enemy when the sample is returned to Earth. When Uranus’ gas is released it will likely be silent, and, you know, deadly can’t be far behind.

Posted in Humour, Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Almost as if the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation Wants Us to Lose

For the purposes of this article, I am going to assume when picking numbers for a lottery ticket, those possible values are between 1 and 49 because that’s how it was for Lotto 649.

In its latest ads, OLG has ideas for us on how to pick your numbers. One is that if you have triplets, then pick the number 3. The most live babies a human can have at one time is 8. That’s why Octomom was such a big deal a number of years ago. No human female successfully had eight babies in one go before this. So if we pick numbers based on how many babies someone had in one batch, the numbers just range from 1 to 8. The numbers 9 to 49 just don’t occur when you are picking like this. This makes it about a 1 in 6 chance of of picking a possible lottery number that came up.

The incredibly enlightening ad from the OLG gives more suggestions for picking numbers. The next one offered was for a milestone birthday like 40. How many of those are there between 1 and 49? If we just use the 10s, there are only 4 milestone birthdays between 1 and 49. Perhaps we could add 18, 19, 21 and 25 to the mix. This results in 8 milestone birthdays between 1 and 49. Again we have about a 1 in 6 chance of picking a possible lottery number that came up.

Another suggestion for picking numbers comes from sports jerseys. How about picking your favourite player’s number? Don’t jerseys go from 1 to 99, so this covers all the numbers in a 1 to 49 lottery? Well there are about 25 players on a sports team (I am going by hockey but I think soccer and football and baseball are similar with fewer being on a basketball team.) 25 numbers out of 49 numbers gives odds of about 1 in 2 that you have picked a possible number that came up in the lottery.

So don’t pick like the losers in the television ad did. Pick numbers that have a full chance of coming up. A 1 in 1 chance. These numbers would actually range from 1 to 49. Good luck choosing.

A second ad that the OLG runs is the Mr. Encore ad. A friend of his called the rube “Mr. Encore” because he won the $100 000 prize in the Encore lottery twice in a few months. Which means he won big then kept playing.

This is what the OLG wants you to do. The more you play after a big win, the more the luck evens out. Yes, you could win twice. But there are much better odds that you will never win again. Even if you play all your winnings, chances are you will lose it all before getting that second big win.

I’ve known a blackjack dealer from a casino and know how he used to think of the game as going. To entertain himself he would pretend he was playing against all the customers. And this is how OLG likely works. The more money they gain, the better they can justify their salaries.

And what is with the Price is Right gimmicks? We now have the big wheel and the plinko board. I bet the OLG is paying rights to the Price is Right because they even use that television show’s theme song during the ads. So in short, if you want to win with OLG, be the Price is Right.

Posted in Mathematics, Sports, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Red, White and Chartreuse

I hear Americans saying the red, white and blue all the time as if it is obvious to what they are referring to. They are referring to their flag but to non Americans it is not obvious what they mean. To non Americans it is just as likely they are referring to the Union Jack, France’s flag, the Australian or New Zealand flag etc.

Why are these flags all the same colours? Well you might think stars and stripes is the same colour as Britain’s Union Jack, because the people of the US are descended from the British. This also makes sense for Australia and New Zealand. But what about France? And Canada whose two ‘founding’ nations were Britain and France should definitely have the same colours. But it doesn’t, instead opting for the red and white of Japan.

With so many, many colours available for flags, why do so many countries have the same colours? As my title suggests, red white and chartreuse make quite possibly a unique colour scheme for somebody’s flag. Why don’t countries use chartreuse on their flags?

One possibility is that exotic colours go in and out of fashion. What if a flag had dusty rose, teal or peach on it. Well right now those colours would be out of fashion. And wouldn’t that mean that the poor country with that colour on their flag would be out of fashion, too? Would we say, “Sorry, Pacifica, although you’ve got the best resume to be on the security council, your flag is out of style so you can’t take that position. But don’t worry, fashion is cyclical”?

Even the LGBTQ+ flag doesn’t include exotic colours. Just the primary and secondary colours. One could say that it isn’t even a rainbow. That’s right. Rainbows aren’t just the primary and secondary colours. They are the full spectrum. And that’s where you will find chartreuse. It’s in the full spectrum.

Maybe flags started as colours you could easily dye. That might explain why purple is so rare on flags despite being a secondary colour. For centuries it was considered to be the colour of royalty because the only purple dye was rare and very expensive.

But more exotic colours have been around for a long time. I assume burgundy was around at the times of the earliest mention of the place called Burgundy in Europe. Just look at their history! Burgundy goes in and out of style just like the country, duchy or county of Burgundy did. Maybe other countries see this example and shun exotic colours for that very reason.

Whatever it is, if you want a uniquely coloured flag it is quite easy to come up with one. If we ever get a chance to colonize the stars, maybe we’ll finally start to use other parts of the spectrum for those interstellar flags.

Posted in Fashion, Geography, Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Soccer Club!

Soccer has made a comeback in North America. But you wouldn’t know that by the names. Toronto F. C. is the local team here in my part of North America. F. C. stands for football club.

This Eurotrash attempt to rename the sports of North America, had better stop. We already have a sport named football. The next time someone says Toronto F. C., I am going to say, “Oh, you mean the Argos?”

Excuse me, I said Eurotrash. But I’m not sure all Europeans are complicit. Most of them speak different languages and might have respect for our word “soccer”. So let me change that to “Brexiting Eurotrash”!

Brexiting Eurotrash should not get a say in how sports are named in North America. How would Brexiting Eurotrash like it if North Americans bought some soccer club over in Britain, say Manchester United, and change it’s name to Manchester S. C. where S. C. stood for soccer club?

Dallas and New York can join me in my rebellion so whenever you hear F. C. Dallas you can say , “Oh the Cowboys” and when you hear New York City F. C., you can say ,”Oh the Giants” or “Oh the Jets”.

Then I would like to take it one step further. The Argos, Cowboys, Giants and Jets should take it to court as a trademark violation. In North America these teams are in sports that are called football. The overreach by Toronto F. C. and F. C. Dallas and New York City F. C., using the name football while in North America, shows unmitigated gall. My only problem with such a lawsuit is that the Giants and Jets will have to split any winnings. Really I think that New York City F. C. ought to pay double!

Since people aren’t yet standing up for the purity of North American English, I feel I must. If we have to sue soccer teams into the dust I say bring it on!

Posted in Humour, Language, Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Yellow Teeth

It’s really hard to avoid getting yellowish teeth. Many things can turn your teeth yellow. There are the obvious culprits like drinking coffee and tea. Even herbal teas can turn your teeth yellow. Smoking cigarettes or marijuana can play this nasty game too. White and red wines can do this as well. Wear on your teeth can cause that yellow. And quite simply aging, itself, can cause your teeth to yellow.

So what are we supposed to do about this? Many rely on whitening toothpastes or bleaching routines to turn back the clock and make their teeth whiter again. So much so that it is a billion dollar industry. All because we want to turn the clock back.

I say let’s turn the clock forward.

Let’s start prizing yellow teeth. I’m not being some kind of nut here. I don’t advocate turning our teeth into some unhealthy brown or black here. If yellow is the colour of aging or normal usage, I say let’s embrace it. Yellow can be a sort of badge of honour that we flash with our smiles. Now doesn’t that sound healthy?

But wait. Isn’t our culture the one that idolizes youth? And aren’t youths the ones in society that have the whitest teeth?

We can work on that. Most youth can’t wait to become adults. They want all the rights and privileges that come with age. So basically they want to be the age of 25 and no more. That’s the age past which you have nothing left to gain.

So if we can start my little conspiracy here….

Remember, if turning the little liars down while checking age at a drinking establishment, to say “You can’t possibly be drinking age because your teeth are too white.”

If selling lottery tickets or scratch and wins, if anyone comes in with really white teeth, comment on that and then ask for ID. You might think your insulting the older players but they will be flattered that you think they are younger looking.

If renting a car out, ask to see their smile first. If their smile is too bright white ask for ID every time.

If we follow through with this all the time, young people will want their teeth to be more yellow. We can follow this up by making sure young stars have yellow teeth. Then these young stars can sell tooth yellowing agents at a healthy profit.

When all the youngsters have yellowed their teeth deliberately, culture will catch up and admire yellow teeth on their own.

Now, instead of us adults paying for bleaching, young people will pay for yellowing. Let’s make this a world wide phenomenon. Yellow teeth might be an aspect of aging that can be admired.

Posted in Humour, Science, Social Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Red Liquid

Recently I saw something so shocking, so surprising, so mortifying that I’m not even sure if I have healed to this very day. But I will try to get this out to the rest of the public to see what they think. A tampon commercial featured a red liquid to show just how much it absorbed.

I know that half of you are right now passed out on the floor. I will wait as you slowly come back to your senses and off the floor and back to your seats. Yes the colour barrier has finally been broken in tampon commercials. It used to be that tampon commercials exclusively used blue liquids. But that simpler time is looking to become a distant memory.

Some prepubescent girls are going to figure that the red liquid is a stand in for blood. To save polite society we are going to have to do some mental gymnastics.

Mothers can tell their prepubescent daughters that, “The red liquid is actually a stand in for red wine. You see, tampons are for soaking up all that spilled wine that inebriated people slosh around so willy nilly everywhere. And it stains. Oh my does it stain. So it’s a good thing that tampons absorb liquid so well.”

Sure there might be those awkward moments like when the mother starts drinking red wine. “Oh Mommy,” the prepubescent daughter will say, “Shouldn’t you have your tampon at the ready. It’s not called sloshed for no reason.”

“Yes. Fetch me two tampons, one for me and one for my boyfriend.”

“I’m a man! I don’t need tampons.”

“Which is why women always have to buy them. Men are just in denial.”

Girls in puberty will abuse the lies and use tampons as an excuse for underage drinking. “I need tampons, Mom, so pick up some nice red wine to go with them.”

The lies will get so bad that there will be a “Make Canada Great Again” movement to get things back to where they were. “Take the red out of Canada” will be the slogan. Someone will take the red out of the Canadian flag and will end up with a surrender white flag.

Someone else will replace the red with blue and we will end up with a barred, Toronto Maple Leaf flag. The Toronto Maple Leafs are such a crime against nature that they have the unnatural blue maple leaf as their symbol.

There will be so much chaos that I bet we will go back to blue liquid in tampon commercials.

Then we could say if the blue represents blood it will be for blue blooded royalty. So the women who use tampons are princesses and queens. If they don’t feel like princesses and queens for using tampons, that is just their humility shining through.

Posted in Humour, Social Science, Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment