Why Canadian Conservatives Aren’t Worried About Justin Trudeau

By now most Canadians have heard about Maxime Bernier’s split from the Conservative Party. Bernier wishes to start a new Conservative Party in his own image.

The rest of the Conservatives are asking why Bernier is trying to hand the Justin Trudeau Liberals the next election.

Bernier says, “No, no, no, why don’t the rest of the Conservatives come join me in my new party? Those that don’t are handing Justin Trudeau the next election.”

Why the worry of the Liberal Party? It’s because the last time the conservative vote was split, Jean Chretien of the Liberals won three easy elections with the right vote being split.

But neither right wing side is backing down. I think this has more to do with Justin Trudeau than the right wing parties.

You see Justin Trudeau might sound like Liberals of the past but there is just one problem. His words mean nothing. He pretty much promised us proportional representation. He still promises redresses to First Nations that he never acts upon. He promises action on climate change while subsidizing big oil and ignoring the renewables businesses. He promoted women into his cabinet at a rate of 50%, but that means nothing as Justin Trudeau still has all the power.

Justin Trudeau may talk like a Liberal but he acts exactly like a conservative.

So I have to point out that there will be three right wing parties in the next federal election. The Conservatives, Maxime Bernier’s party and the Liberal Party. My hope is that the electorate will see the lack of choice on the right and choose the Greens or the NDP

Failing that the “Conservative” parties will not be afraid to have an all out power struggle. Because conservative Justin Trudeau will be the booby prize. And the Conservatives are fine with that.

Posted in Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Generational Shrinking of the Sitcom Family

I don’t remember when the shrinking between generations started happening in sitcoms. But the most obvious icon of this phenomena was Gary Coleman in Different Strokes. For that show there was the excuse that the parent wasn’t a blood parent to Gary Coleman’s character with the father being white and Gary Coleman being black. But, as per usual, Gary Coleman grew up to be much shorter than his parent as portrayed on that show.

Now some may say this phenomena is just that Hollywood picks short kids so they look younger than they actually are so the older kid can play younger with better acting ability. Blah, blah blah.

But if this were true, that means that Hollywood only employs tall adults and wee kids. Look, here they’ve managed to piss of both the tall and the small. Hollywood couldn’t possibly do this.

But even in a modern family sitcom – like Modern Family, all the kids as they’ve grown up are still considerably smaller than their parents.

No, no, it must simply mean that the average American family is really getting shorter, generation by generation.

It’s not like it hasn’t happened in the past. Suits of armour from the middle ages nowadays only fit the smallest men. It is believed that average height back then was about half a foot shorter.

The accepted reason for this change in height was that the people of the middle ages had poorer nutrition than we do today.

So I think we are shrinking again because of poor nutrition. Today a large apple costs about $1. Bad for you cake things made specifically for kids’ lunches cost about 50 cents. Nutrition is getting worse in many parts of North America than it was a generation ago.

Thanks for alerting us to the problem, Hollywood. Now if we could just go back to healthier, more expensive foods we would gain back that lost height.

If we don’t, our males will once again be able to fit into those middle age suits of armor. Well that is if they make them with bulging stomach plates.

Posted in History, Humour, Stage and Screen | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tariffs Aren’t Just a Feature of Trump’s Policy

Let’s say you’re a 1 percenter like Trump is. Of course you only want minimum taxation on all of your doings. The best case of all would be if that tax were zero.

Now Trump also got elected because the lower classes of Americans wanted there to be less tax, too. The poor don’t want to pay tax and neither does the middle class. So Trump has decided that he will give everyone what they want.

Now something has to give when you have the biggest, most expensive military in the world and you want low or no taxation on your citizens. Trump has found his solution or so he thinks. Why he can tax people from abroad.

Except that he can’t tax people from abroad without taking over those countries first. So he has done the next best thing in his mind. He has applied tariffs to the goods that those other countries produce.

And that’s right, tariffs aren’t a feature of his economic policy, they are the main plank of Trump’s economic policy. The Tea Party is almost set to rejoice. Except that even they aren’t sure that tariffs are a good thing only. Other countries have retaliated with tariffs of their own.

Trump is trying his best to have things his own way. He has blamed trade negotiations between his government and Canada on the fact that Canada has too many tariffs on the American goods. When in fact Trump slapped Canada with 50 billion dollars in tariffs and all Canada has done is retaliated with, you guessed it, 50 billion dollars worth of tariffs on American goods.

Perhaps this is all a ruse so Canada won’t notice that because Trump acted weeks before Canada that Americans got weeks of tariffs free and clear. Watch for Trump to slap on more tariffs knowing that he is first to act. Watch him make the biggest fuss if he agrees to stop them that Canada and all other trading partners of the US must stop their tariffs at the precise moment Trumps stops his tariffs.

This few weeks thing is Trumps’s plan. Watch as every few weeks he slaps more tariffs on more countries. He will only give up on them if his own conditions are met.

And that’s how Trump intends to tax the world.

Posted in Business, Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

North American Shoulders are Slowly Relaxing

The good news for North American shoulders is that VW Beetle auto sales are decreasing over time. Why should this matter to North American shoulders? Fewer VW Beetles mean the spotting of fewer “Punch Buggies” where the sadist punches the victim on the shoulder as a reward for being first to spot a Beetle. “No punch backs!” is quickly added by the non masochistic sadist.

The victim is left looking around bewilderedly hoping against all hope that a new Beetle will be spotted by himself first so he can take his revenge on the sadist.

So what is a poor sadist to do if VW finally pulls the plug on the Beetle? VW has done this once before and for awhile the Beetle was known as the New Beetle. Will there be a new golden age for shoulders?

I doubt it. All it takes is for one sadist to up his game and say, “Punch Mini! No punch backs!

Remember when driving games were fun? Well maybe they were just always a way to pass the time. But it would be nice if driving games weren’t painful. Sorry shoulders, everywhere. I just don’t see an upcoming golden age.

Posted in Business, Geography, Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Duke Minus

The Midas touch is the story of King Midas and how he got his wish for everything he touched to be turned to gold. This made Midas happy until he realized he would starve to death because he couldn’t eat gold.

Praying to Dionysius is supposed to have resolved the dilemma. Some say the Midas touch was removed. I say that Midas kept his touch for everything except eating and drinking.

But wait, what of his loved ones? Well it’s true they would be turned to gold but parenting older children can be done without hugs and kisses. Nannies would of course raise a king’s youngest children.

As for romantic attachments, that may have been impossible in other centuries. But we live in the 21st century and robots can be made out of gold. King Midas might have to divorce his wife but he could marry a golden robot.

Prince Milos was more humble. The gift he asked for was the Milos touch. Or Midas’ ability only things just changed to silver for him. This might feel like such a lesser gift. But the fact is if Midas existed previously, gold prices must have plummeted making the silver gift just as useful.

Besides, Prince Milos could see the silver lining in this.

A silver robot would be just as easy to produce as a golden one. So Prince Milos could live happily ever after – just like Midas.

But to stop the insanity of these touching gifts the god(s) must stop the process in some way. Unbeknownst to him, Duke Minus was given the worst touching magic of all. Everything he touched would turn into dookie. Except of course his food and drink.

Revealing enemies for what they really are might be fun for awhile. But really it’s impossible to make a robot wife out of dookie. So Duke Minus would pray and pray for this curse to be lifted. But the god(s) saw that they had been too lenient before so they held firm.

Finally Duke Minus read about a fantastic, nameless monster that could eat anything at all. So he vowed that he would suicide and have the creature eat him.

They meet on a hill in the wilderness. The creature seems to understand Duke Minus so he warns it to inhale him such that his body touches no esophagus and only gets burned by the fire in the belly of the creature.

The creature did as it was told and it was successful. A few days later Duke Minus’ creature passed the Duke and it became a dookie.

Now it is said that humans once made dookies of gold and silver. But now we have a little Duke Minus in each and every one of us so this is no longer true.

Posted in Humour, Science Fiction, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

7 League Boots

A league is the average distance something can travel in a mile. For a person that is about 3 miles. So 7 league boots should be called 21 mile boots.

The idea behind 7 league boots is that somehow each step in them would be 7 leagues. Now that is continent crossing speed. It would only take a couple hundred steps to cross 4 000 miles. No wonder some people’s eyes light up when they hear about 7 league boots.

But how could boots do this – without using actual magic? Well they could be incredibly tall – how about 7 leagues high. And the part that goes around your leg and foot would just be a small part. Almost all the height would have to be in the heel!

But wait, you couldn’t get up in these if you put them on at the ground – you wouldn’t have the leverage to stand up. So how about putting them on at a 7 league high cliff? Well you’re absolutely right – earth has no mountains 21 miles high. In fact you couldn’t breathe at such heights due to the thin air. So let’s scale these boots back and make them 1 mile boots. People have no problem breathing at the elevation of 1 mile like in Colorado.

To take each step, the boots must be light enough. That means they would need to be made out of the thinest, strongest, lightest material possible. Let’s hope that carbon fiber technology or even something better could make this possible.

There is another problem with being a mile high. You need to be safe in case of falls. Mile long falls will kill you. So you would have to strap a parachute to your back.

Walking would be a problem because of that leverage problem. You couldn’t take a 1 mile step at first but you might be able to work up to it. You could successfully take a first small step, then a longer one and a longer one. With each successive step your legs would have to add force. Eventually you could work your way up to mile long steps and a potential continent crossing.

You take a step in about a second. So this would mean that you would be going about a mile a second or about 3 600 miles an hour when you have built up your speed. Which is almost Mach 5. Mach 1 is travel at the speed of sound so of course your 1 mile boots would make you create sonic booms. Ear plugs would be a must.

Even travel on the plains would be fraught with danger. Imagine stepping into a ground hog hole. Like a horse this would very possible break your long spindly boots. You would of course catch yourself on time with your parachute and fall slowly to the ground. You might have to have an “ejector” on your boots so the fall doesn’t break your leg or worse.

So, to be careful on the plains, you would need binocular vision to examine the ground a mile or more away. These binoculars might be zoom binoculars and should be attached to your face over your eyes. This might also be an acceptable strategy in gently rolling hills. But going over mountains might be too dangerous. Perhaps the mountains would be an acceptable risk in extremely well mapped ground that you had memorized before hand.

Near to your destination you need to slow down by taking smaller and smaller steps and having a tower a mile high that you can safely dismount your 1 mile boots in. Now someone (with the same shoe size), can now take the journey opposite to what you have done.

Posted in Humour, Science, Science Fiction | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ranking the Power of Certain Nations

By now everyone has heard about the way Donald Trump practically groveled to Vladimir Putin. But it was obvious this was going to happen. After all, Trump might owe his election win to Russian meddling in the American election.

Then, too, it was obvious that some such was going to happen because Putin was at least 30 minutes late for the meeting. So from this shenanigan, I would rank Russia as currently being more important than the United States.

Yes, Putin, Trump was saying with his actions, I will be your toady as long as I get help in my elections.

Compare this with Trump’s meeting with Queen Elizabeth II. Although she’s 92, Trump kept her waiting 10 minutes in the heat.

How else do you demonstrate that you are more powerful than the Commonwealth?

As well, Trump has been late in meetings with the G7 and NATO. These nations rank no higher than the Commonwealth.

But is this as low as you can go in a world where Trump leads the US?

Why, no. I guess Romania ranks lower than the rest of the NATO alliance because Trump completely ditched a meeting with them at the most recent NATO summit. Also at the NATO summit Trump blew off meetings with NATO hopefuls, Azerbaijan, Georgia and Ukraine. These nations are seemingly lesser than NATO and the G7 nations.

All hail the new world order. Largely its the same world order but with Russia on top and not the USA. Back in the old days, allies of the US let it slip that the US was first among equals. And you cannot be both first and equal so the USA always assumed it was first. With this president, it is first in crowning Russia top dog of the Earth.

Posted in Politics, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Power of the Call Waiting Beep

Most people have used call waiting by now. You know, you’re talking to someone then someone else phones you, too. You hear a beep and you can switch between the first caller and the second caller. Why am I walking you through this? Because call waiting has another feature to it that I never realized could be used for my ends.

That beep that tells you there is a second caller only beeps on one phone. Of course it has to or both sides would click away from each other and never find each other again as the person who didn’t receive the call would have inadvertently hung up.

But that lack of a beep for the one party is a power thing that I never noticed. You don’t need a beep. You could simply say you heard a beep and its someone calling about something important. Thus you have a ready made excuse to get rid of the other caller.

But why would I possibly get rid of my first caller under false circumstances? Well if they are a blowhard that just rambles on and on, that might be a good enough reason right there. I think in the future I might use this call waiting power imbalance for precisely this purpose.

But how do I know there are no audible beeps when you are the first caller talking to your friend? Why because I have lost a call waiting face off many times.

Wait! Am I a blowhard that just rambles on and on?

Of course not. My stories are always interesting. Aren’t they?

Posted in Humour, Politics, Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pontificating Politicians – Like Doug Ford

Doug Ford is on the record for saying that the first thing he will do when becoming premier of Ontario is to fire the CEO of Hydro One and his board. He said that you can take this promise “to the bank”.

Well he’s been the premier since the Friday before last and the very first thing that he did was to make a speech after being sworn in as premier. Now we all should have expected that since after all he is a pontificating politician. What politician can resist the temptation to speak at length. I am going to let go on that one. Every other politician I’ve known would have done the same thing. Doug Ford is, after all, just another politician.

But he’s been doing stuff all week and not once has he mentioned Hydro One, its CEO, and board.

So I took this to the bank. I had to wait for a teller like usual. I was burning up in that line thinking many foul thoughts of Doug Ford. Finally the teller could see me. I told her all about Doug Ford. And that I was trying to make him keep his promise by doing this final step that he had outlined. All she did was laugh and laugh. “You believed a politician?!” She laughed some more. She even rolled on the floor laughing.

That’s when her manager came over. “That’s highly unprofessional,” she said to her teller on the floor who was still laughing.

“Tell her. Tell her what you said!” she got out between guffaws.

By this time every ear in the bank was listening to us. I retold my case about Doug Ford and his promise that you could take this to the bank. This time everyone in the bank started laughing. In fact they were all rolling on the floor laughing.

With a hurt look I walked out – intent on doing my banking somewhere else.

Then I thought some more. All I needed was an accomplice that wouldn’t roll on the floor laughing and I could commit an easy bank robbery.

Posted in Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Vehicle Arms Race Begins

The overprotected generation has continued past the age of 16. You know what I mean; that generation that is almost loved to the point of being smothered with their ever present helmets and padding. Before the age of 16 that was almost sweet. After the age of 16 it is no such thing.

Caring parents have bought their offspring SUVs to drive to soothe away their fear for their babies. Why not? SUVs have some of the best crash test ratings ever found. Little Ethel or little Jonah need all the protection they can get, right? In this case I don’t see it as harmless.

Little Ethel and Jonah are new, 16 year old drivers. They have yet to experience make or break experiences in their driving and are still novices.

In fact their inexperience says they are some of the worst drivers on the road. And their parents are buying them an SUV, some of the biggest vehicles on the road.

I have a newsflash for you. The bigger the vehicle, the better its crash test rating. And those of us in normal cars are going to have worse results in accidents especially involving bigger vehicles. Ethel and Jonah might be protected as well as can be but the other vehicles on the road are now less protected against some of the worst drivers.

It took a few years but car sellers are scaling up their game. They now have body superstructures that are performing better in crash tests. Maybe one day they will perform as well as SUVs.

You can tell SUVs perform better in a crash test just by glancing at them and realizing their size. Perhaps the smaller cars could use some of that psychological warfare on the roads. Perhaps they can have superstructures that make them look like a bullet or an arrow. Perhaps this would make little Ethel and Jonah make sure they were practicing good driving techniques.

But just remember, if we make cars perform better than SUVs in crash tests, Little Ethel and Jonah’s parents will just buy them that car. I wish I could see a way that was fairer. But it seems destined that overprotective parents are going to make some of the worst drivers into the most dangerous drivers no matter what we do.

Posted in Business, Humour, Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment