Fingernails

Posted on 25 November 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Dear Lee Press-On Nails,

I have been looking for a product that I wish you would actually make. That is a set of artificial nails that are so long they start to curl around. Exactly like the world record holders in the growing of nails. I have looked everywhere I can think of, but it seems no one makes these nails.

I represent an untapped market for you. That is men who wish to get out of household chores. You see, I have figured out that the usual household chores are impossible while preserving such nails. But by the same token, I believe I could still hold and operate a video game controller while having such long nails.

I would be willing to pay over $100 a set for such nails. Just not so much as a cleaning person would cost to do the monthly chores around my place. I believe that this would allow for you to have sufficient profit that this line of nails would be viable.

I am entering the dating scene again and would like to start fresh with these nails. Any woman I date would only know me with these nails. I would tell her that they are an integral part of who I am. That to accept me, she must also accept the nails.

I would go on to tell her that most of my life I have been living under the tyranny of my parents and that the only thing I was allowed to control was the length of my fingernails. So I am literally deeply attached to them.

I would then take her over to my apartment and say it is really hard to take care of with my fingernails, as she saw the mess. My parents used to do such things but I am keeping their controlling ways far from here. I was hoping that she cared enough to help me out.

It would be then that she might suggest a cleaning person. I would say that I’m worried about the money because I have only so much and it’s hard to find a job with such nails.

I would be worried by then that she would come up with a diplomatic solution like cutting off the nails of one hand. I would then say you’re not accepting me for me. Hopefully then she would have the heart to clean for me. If not it would be back to the dating site to find someone who wants me for me.

Anyhow, please make these nails and I will be a loyal customer. Even if you have to make these custom just for me, I would be interested to see your pricing.

Thank you,

A future loyal customer.

Posted in Humour, Politics, Social Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pronouncing Sikh

Posted on 18 November 2023 by Larry Russwurm

When I was young I swear the news media as a whole used to pronounce the name Sikh as seek. It’s only in the last number of years that the whole of the news media changed to pronouncing members of this group as sick. I was taken aback about it. But I don’t think that it was simply a matter of them finally asking Sikhs themselves how to pronounce the name. I think they were heard decades ago and it was decided that polite society preferred the pronunciation, seek.

The problem in English is that native speakers didn’t want to disrespect Sikhs by calling them “sick” which is a word that for years had nothing but negative connotations. “I’m sick,” sounds like something else and even when the English speaker realizes the mix-up, they are likely to laugh at the Sikh and make them uncomfortable.

But it’s been more likely in recent years for English speakers to ask the group what they want to be called. And one thing that helped permanently tip the scales is the use of the slang sick which means good, or even wonderful. Now, sick can be a very positive word. So I think the change happened for two reasons. I’m glad that slang, at last, was a force for good in this case. This is quite unlike the slang of my childhood.

Political correctness has gotten rid of bad slang from my childhood, that promoted bad stereotypes. “Gypped” meant ripping someone off and was derived from Gypsy. “Welshed” on a deal meant weaseling out of that deal and insulted Welsh people. Chewing someone down meant getting them to go lower than their asking price and was meant to insult Jews.

Have we gotten to the other side of this and now we are using positive words for minority groups? “You’re sick? That’s sick!” Could this be part of a new trend? What new slang could evolve?

How about “She’s so indigenous!” where indigenous means beautiful? How about “She aced the test because she’s black!” where black means smart.

Maybe it’ll be years for this or other positive slang terms to take hold. But it might. Make up your own. Something may stick. Then maybe slang might become something we’re proud of.

Posted in Language, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Who is the Toughest Driver of Them All?

Posted on 11 November 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Motorcyclists have the reputation of being tough. Idly, one day, I wondered if this were a true belief.

Firstly, I defined being tough with being the most invulnerable. So, yes, motorcyclists are tough when compared to bicyclists and pedestrians. But motorcyclists are wimpy when compared to even a Mini or Smart Car driver. The rest of cars are even tougher yet. And of course, motorcyclists are way less invulnerable or tough compared to a big rig truck. A small train or streetcar is way tougher. A long train even more so.

So if we take invulnerability to be the definition of toughness, the motorcyclist is sadly lacking. The train engineer would obviously be the toughest in this competition.

But it is brave to be out and about with trucks, cars, SUVs and even sometimes trains. So perhaps we can use bravery to be our definition of toughness. But motorcyclists drive around in leather jackets and big helmets. The bicyclist rides with a small helmet and no leather jacket. Surely the bicyclist is “tougher”? Not to mention, the bicyclist gets more exercise from riding.

Then there are pedestrians who have no helmets or leather jackets. Surely they are the bravest of all and thus the toughest. When it comes to bravery, the one I most fear is that pedestrian that jay walks, having looked both ways and decides to go, despite oncoming traffic, counting on the motor vehicles to stop in both directions. Yes the motor vehicles will have an encounter with the law if they don’t stop. But this seems like a very tenuous and small hold on those drivers.

This type of pedestrian is the “toughest” of all, when bravery is our pinnacle. Even more so when they are a little old lady who walks extremely slowly.

So if we are going to discover a way that motorcyclists are the toughest, we have to establish a definition that only they can win.

I hence posit that being the horniest driver is the definition of the toughest driver. Not only is the undercarriage of the said motorcycle driver being vibrated at all times while operating the motorcycle, but any passenger the motorcyclist has is going to have to hold on tightly to the driver in an almost intimate way. The only mode of transport that comes close, is horse back riding where you have to match rhythms with a horse. But this is more of a kink than a universal horniness.

There. Motorcyclists are the horniest drivers and therefore the toughest drivers. If you don’t like it then write your own piece where your preconceived beliefs are “proven” to be true.

Posted in Humour, Language | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Plotters and Pantsers

Posted on 4 November 2023 by Larry Russwurm

There are two major types of writers. Pantsers write by the seat of their pants and even they don’t know what happens next. Plotters move from one stage to another, always seemingly knowing what is coming up next.

If writing a book was murder, pantsers would be second degree murderers who only come up with that decision in the heat of the moment. Plotters would be first degree murderers, who carefully plan their moves with the intent of outwitting the police. Or home detectives if that is the goal.

But wait. Writers do commit murders as a matter of course. Without any tears shed by them, they blatantly kill off characters in their books. Indeed, maybe the characters lost to editing, might be called manslaughter to get the full range of killers in this essay.

First degree murderers are the most feared. Precisely because they plan. If they are good enough planners they might get away with it and be on to their second, third and fourth murders.

Second degree murderers are hotheads who seemingly demand a high degree of respect. Despite the fact that you seemingly have to tiptoe around these people the most, they aren’t considered the worst by society. That’s because you don’t know who a first degree murderer is and although you probably should tiptoe around them as well, you don’t know who it is you need to tiptoe around.

We’ve all read books where someone you like dies. The real killer is of course the writer. The writer thought they were throwaway enough to not be necessary to the penultimate ending.

With the pantser, you can get mad at them all you want. They will laugh in your face. That’s just the way things are, they might tell you. Life is fundamentally a game of chance. And that is represented in their story.

But with the plotter, you know that the plotter deliberately made you care about the individual that they knew must be killed. It was in the plan all along. If you complain they might take it out on a character in their next book, the one after that or even after that.

So obviously the plotter is worse. But beware, The plotter may know this and always say s/he’s a pantser in order to curry some favour with her/his disappointed readers. These are obviously the worst writers of all. Unmasking them, however, is the hard part. Indeed, all pantser writers may be fiction, brought in as an idea just to make plotters not look so bad.

Posted in Humour, Language, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Horror of Febreze

Posted on 28 October 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Just like McDonald’s in the past, Febreze carefully watches their language.

What was/is McDonald’s guilty of in their advertisements? It’s “made with 100% pure beef,” for its hamburgers.

Now obviously a burger isn’t all beef. There are the bun and condiment parts of the burger. That’s why they have the “made with” part.

But the patty isn’t 100% pure beef either because McDonald’s for sure adds salt to their meat which a simple taste can easily show. It’s likely that they add binder/filler, possibly eggs, as well. As long as they add 100% pure beef to this other stuff, they haven’t lied in their advertisements.

Similarly, Febreze “eliminates odours”. Febreze doesn’t eliminate 100% of odours. It “eliminates odours”. This could mean it eliminates 5% of odours or 95% of odours. We don’t really know, because Febreze never tells us.

Because they are watching their language it is kind of hard to tell. But I’m willing to meet Febreze halfway and say that their product eliminates 50% of odours.

Which explains why they never release an unscented version of their product. If they did, we would be able to tell easily that this product doesn’t get rid of all odours. The scent covers up what ever odours haven’t been eliminated.

And an unscented odour eliminator would be a guaranteed seller. There are large amounts of people who are bothered by the scents of certain products. They would buy the scent free odour eliminator in droves. If it got rid of all odour.

Also, Febreze uses the term “noseblind” in other ads. That’s when, through long exposure, you become immune to certain odours. Well I can easily think up a scary Halloween horror story for this.

What if our farts don’t dissipate, what if we just become noseblind to them? That would mean that every fart we’ve made in our current house is still there.

Yes, I know if we go out for a few hours, then come back inside, most odours that we are noseblind to will come back, and we’ll notice them again. Maybe it just takes longer for us to become aware of old farts again. Maybe it takes years.

But wouldn’t that mean that outside visitors would smell the built up farts immediately after coming over to our home?

Well they fart too and the buildup of farts in their house might average out to the same smell as the buildup of farts in our house, So we are mutually noseblind to the smell.

Now if an alien came to our door, his first words would be “Your place stinks really, really badly. So badly in fact that I have to leave!”

Ever notice that haunted houses are inevitably old houses. Maybe the buildup of enough bad farts becomes a truly evil spirit and that’s why those places are haunted. And maybe, just maybe for a haunting, you might be able to get rid of it with a few squirts of Febreze. I can see it now. Every exorcist needs Febreze. Maybe that could be their next slogan.

Posted in Business, Humour, Language | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Behind the Nanny State

Posted on 21 October 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Many have called the governments that have the British monarch as their head of state, nanny states. In their rush to help the health and safety of its citizens, it is believed these governments have trampled on some of the freedoms of citizenry. Just note that the word nanny is mostly considered to be a feminine name and a feminine job. Is all this an accident?

Since 1837, Queen Victoria has ruled about 63 ½ years and Queen Elizabeth II has ruled about 70 years. Over 186 years, women have ruled 133.5 years. That means men have ruled just 52.5 years in that time. 72% of the time women have ruled. Only 28% of the time men have ruled.

So the state has become feminized since 1837. No wonder why the nanny state became so big. It’s just what a lot of women do.

But wait! The British Monarchy is set to have its next three monarchs be men. Charles, our current king is considered to be a man by many. Of course he probably only has 20 years left as monarch before William takes over. Then William likely rules for another 30 years. Then George will likely rule for 40 years more. I’m assuming a greater than 90 years life span for all of them. So that’s a 90 year rule of men.

Perhaps after all that male rule, the countries with the British monarchy as head of state, will no longer be nanny states.

But something has shifted. For the birth of William’s kids, it was decided that the first born would be monarch no matter their sex. George just happened to be male. If Charlotte had been first born, She would have made it so there would just be two generations of kings in a row.

Anyhow, there should be a roughly 50/50 chance of males and females being first born in the British monarchy. But on average, females live longer. So I strongly suspect there will be more years of female rule as opposed to male rule.

Expect the nanny state to endure. So remember don’t smoke, don’t vape, don’t drink and don’t cannabis. Then if you’re good they’ll let you caffeine.

Posted in History, Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Septemberfest

Posted on 14 October 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Oktoberfest began as a party to celebrate the marriage of Bavarian royalty in Munich in 1810. The marriage occurred on October 12 but the partying continued for the next few days. The participants had so much fun that they decided to do it again the next year, then the next year, etc.

Eventually the participants and organizers lost enough brain cells that they thought, “ You know what would make Oktoberfest even better? If it was in September so we had even better weather!” So it was moved to mid September to the first Sunday in October.

That’s how Munich’s Oktoberfest went, anyhow.

Kitchener- Waterloo’s Oktoberfest in Canada was made to wrap around Canadian Thanksgiving. The second Monday in October (Canadian Thanksgiving) was the center of the two weekends and one week of partying. This K-W Oktoberfest went as 9 days of partying for many years.

But too much beer drinking eventually led to two factions developing. One faction said let’s keep up the original Canadian Oktoberfest. While another said, let’s imitate the Munich Oktoberfest better and have a Septemberfest, too!

The Septemberfest makes more sense, some say. The weather is nicer. Did I mention dead brain cells from drinking too much beer? So that faction still calls it Oktoberfest.

The main takeaway from this is that K-W Oktoberfest now runs longer than the Munich one. With four weekends, because both factions are still present in K-W, it’s a longer festival than the busier Munich one.

I think there should be truth in advertising and both large Oktoberfests should be called Septemberfest-Oktoberfest.

*

Speaking of names, in Southern Ontario, this year, we had a proper Summer Echo. Early fall contained a week or more of summer like temperatures. I’m a stickler for Summer Echoes. I believe we must be officially out of summer for the term to be applied properly.

Summer Echo used to be called Indian Summer. To not offend the sub continent of India, which has nothing to do with our weather in the great lakes region, we could call it Indigenous Summer. But then we might be offending the indigenous of this same great lake region. So with me, anyhow, Summer Echo has stuck.

Posted in Humour, Language | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Meta Force vs Mother Earth Force

Posted on 7 October 2023 by Larry Russwurm

The Big Smoke’s fire chief had a direct line to Near Absolute Hero. On this fateful day, Near Absolute Hero answered, “Where is the emergency?”

“It’s not quite an emergency, yet. I have a group of masked and caped people demanding to speak with Mother Earth Force. There are four of them and they say they can beat mother earth force into submission! They call themselves Meta Force.”

“Are they evil?”

“They must be, with what they say they want to do with you. They are chanting various things outside the fire Headquarters now.”

“Are they destroying things or slowing any fire trucks?”

“No. But we’re not sure how long their good behaviour might last.”

Near Absolute Hero alerted the rest of Mother Earth Force and three of them arrived at Fire HQ with Mother Earth being present on various computers in the immediate area.

Meta Force stood arms akimbo in a line, their capes flapping in the light breeze. All four were head to toe in the different colours of red, blue, orange and green but with matching black masks.

“Mother Earth Force,” the red Meta Force speaker piped up loud enough for everyone to hear, “we intend to demolish you in a game of metaphors and similes.”

“My ears,” cried Tail. “I can’t unhear that pun!”

“Nevertheless,” said the blue Meta Force man, “you will come up with a metaphor or simile in the category we will have the fire chief draw.”

“You are wasting our valuable time.” declared Mother Earth from the closest laptop. The fireman with the computer obliged and he showed the screen to Meta Force. “We demand that you only do one round and if we tie you we will see it as a win for ourselves.”

“Fine,” said the orange woman of Meta Force. “If we tie we will see it as our own victory. Begin!”

The fire chief drew from folded papers inside a fire hat. He pulled one, opened it and read, “Pop music. Meta Force begins.”

The green man of Meta Force sang, “Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.” The 70s Kansas song was recognized by some of those present.

The fire chief said, “Next,” and pointed at Near Absolute Hero. He went, “uh, uh, Love is like oxygen, you get too much you get too high, not enough and your gonna die.” The Sweet song stopped when the simile was done.

“Next,” the chief pointed at the red Meta Force man who sang, “I want to be your sledge hammer.” He sung the Peter Gabriel song while staring at Modern Ninja.

“Next,” the chief pointed at Modern Ninja who sang, “I’m just looking for one divine hammer, I’d bang it all day.” She sang the snippet of the Breeders song while looking at Near Absolute Hero.

“You,” said the chief pointing at the blue Meta Force man who sang, “I came in like a wrecking ball , I never hit so hard in love, all I wanted was to break your walls”. The Miley Cyrus song was known by all.

“Tail’s turn,” said the chief. Tail sang, “You’re a sky full of stars because you light up the path.” He could have went further with the Coldplay song but instead the chief said, “Next!”

The orange woman said “Coldplay, huh?” then she sung “You, you are my universe, and I just want to put you first.”

The chief went. “And Mother Earth wherever you are, you’re next!”

From all of the computers within earshot, they could here Mother Earth sing, “Bloodsucker, dream crusher, bleeding me dry like a ) @ ^^ ^ vampire.” The Olivia Rodrigo song then fell to silence.

“We all win!” shouted the orange woman.

The fire chief said, “No! Meta Force said they could beat Mother Earth Force into submission. They have failed.”

With that, Mother Earth Force dispersed. The heads of Meta Force hung dejectedly.

Posted in comics, Humour, Language | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

For the Love of Life, Keep Eddie Vedder Away From Drugs!

Posted on 30 September 2023 by Larry Russwurm

As much as I would like Eddie Vedder’s death certificate to say he died of old age, the death certificates of other Seattle front men and grunge front men did not. All the biggest acts I’m aware of that were from Seattle or were grunge related no longer have a lead singer, excepting Pearl Jam.

Starting with the grunge bands, Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots died of an accidental drug overdose. Layne Staley of Alice in Chains died of a heroin and cocaine mix. The other deaths are a bit more complex. With the drug part of the equation being a bit less obvious.

Chris Cornell of Soundgarden officially died of hanging. He had 4 times a normal dosage of Ativan in his system. 6 times the normal dosage can have the side effect of suicidal thoughts. It is possible that Chris Cornell had the thoughts on a slightly lower dose than is considered normal. His death, too, could be tied to drugs.

Kurt Cobain’s death has inspired many conspiracy theories. There’s no way I can get to them all, here. The Nirvana front man likely shot himself while on morphine, valium and a large dose of heroin. Just know that drugs were involved. And a few weeks before this he had been hospitalized for taking 50 painkillers that some believe was an earlier suicide attempt. Drugs were definitely involved.

Another huge Seattle singer was Jimi Hendrix. It is believed he died after taking 18 times the recommended dosage of sleeping pills and aspirated his own vomit and died of asphyxia. However the coroner declared an open verdict due to a lack of evidence.

Grunge, Seattle and Drugs seem to mix with lethal consequences for lead singers. Eddie Vedder, as the last one standing, I hope his friends family, Pearl Jam and bodyguards take note.

If I were Vedder’s body guard I would keep him away from second hand smoke. Eddie is supposed to have stayed away from smoking his whole life, so I’d be damned if second hand smoke were to take him out now. Anyone who started smoking around him would get the smoke slapped off his face and I would steer Eddie away from any smoking area.

Every time I saw Vedder with a coffee in his hands, I’d slap it to the ground and say “Say no to drugs, Mr. Vedder, sir!” Hopefully his foot wasn’t burned. I’d also do the same if he had an energy drink, tea, or cola in his hand.

And if I were to hear him say, “There’s nothing like a beer on a hot day,” I’d give him my angry glare and say, “There’s nothing like air conditioning on a hot day.” Then I would steer him inside to air conditioning and if that also protected him from skin cancer, well then so be it.

Eddie Vedder, you’ve been the exception to the rule so far. Let’s keep going with that.

Posted in Humour, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ford Flip Flops

Posted on 23 September 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Doug Ford is a known flip flopper. First he wasn’t going to develop Ontario’s greenbelt. Then he was going to develop it come hell or high water. If a developer crony of his became a billionaire, so be it. Then when he flip flopped the other day after a bad time in the press and after 3 resignations because of it, we’re supposed to believe he has flip flopped for the final time on this issue.

How can we the public, make sure this is his final flip flop on the issue? Maybe we can sell it as the patriotic thing to do.

You see, the flower of Ontario and the most often used symbol in Ontario propaganda is the trillium. Which is so named because it is a 3 petaled flower.

We can just say that like a patriotic Ontarian, Doug Ford was just playing I Love the Greenbelt/I Hate the Greenbelt on a trillium as a way to give him definitive answers on the subject. He started with I Love the Greenbelt. And like any truly patriotic Ontarian, he also ended with I Love the Greenbelt on the third and final petal. We can just ignore his I Hate the Greenbelt on his second petal that he agreed with many times and quite loudly.

So not only has Doug Ford canned his aggression against the Greenbelt, he did it in a way that seems patriotic.

Of course some Ontarians may find it offensive that he destroyed a trillium in this process, too. I guess you just can’t win for flip flopping.

Posted in Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment