“My Shower Curtain is a Slut”

The following letter was sent to this site as a comment on my post The Horny Shower Curtain. I have moved it over here to its own area for comments:

Dear Many Rants of Larry Russwurm,

I’ve looked all over the Internet and it seems like you and your site are the biggest experts on shower curtain behaviour on the Internet. Perhaps you can help.

I noticed my shower curtain had a certain attraction to me right when we first bought it. Whenever I was engrossed in cleaning myself in the shower, it would sidle up to me, sometimes even touching my naked body.

But that’s as far as it would go. I am after all a married woman and loyal to my husband.

One time I let it slip to my husband about the shower curtain’s behaviour and he insisted that the very same shower curtain would sidle up to him and also touch his naked body.

We were both taken aback- having thought all along that we were the only one, but decided that the shower curtain was bisexual and it was relatively harmless, after all my husband and I were still very much loyal to one another.

We left it at that.

Our town has an annual rotten tomato throwing event. It happens in our town square. Townsfolk can get out their aggressions by throwing tomatoes at each other in the crowded square. 5 friends were thinking of going so we offered our house and bathroom as a wash up area for afterwards. Our house was closest to the square.

After this dirty event, my husband and I had showered as well as two of our friends. You can imagine my consternation when one of those friends said, “Your shower curtain likes me as much as my own one.”

The other friend said, “It liked me, too. Don’t look now but I think your shower curtain is a slut.”

If it ended up that the shower curtain liked all the adults, it wouldn’t be so bad. But last to go into the shower was my friend’s minor child as well as our own minor child. I began to worry about their safety. My husband sensed my panic and said to each minor, “When it’s your turn you must bathe.”

My husband mumbled something about “You’re so dirty because of the tomatoes.” But now it’s gone back to day to day living and my minor is questioning. What do I say? How do I react?

Many thanks in advance Many Rants, Connie.

First of all Connie, as near as we can figure shower curtains are pansexual, not bisexual.

Secondly, I think you already know what must be done. A shower curtain will never step over the legal line. But still you don’t want your minor to deal with adult issues. You could hang the offending shower curtain over the other side of the tub. This might make some more clean up necessary after each shower. But the shower curtain can still indicate its attraction to even your minor by coming closer when the shower is on even if it won’t be able to touch your minor.

No, the real solution is more expensive. Install a glass enclosure above your tub to keep all shower water and soap inside. I don’t know any contractors in your town who might do it but with enough people to have a public square and a tomato throw, your own town should have one.