In a very remote part of Utah, people using a helicopter found a 3.5 meter tall, triangular metal monolith. I am hoping they go back so we can find better observations about this mysterious artifact.
Firstly I would like to know how much of it is buried in order to keep it standing. That would allow us to know how expensive and heavy this massive mystery is.
Is it hollow? That would also tell how difficult a feat it would be to put this together.
What metal is it composed of? How dare the finders not carry a magnet with them to at least tell if it is iron, nickel, steel or the few other magnetic metals. Maybe next trip they can bring a cutting torch to cut out a very small piece to find out exactly what metal we’re dealing with.
But here is what I would do if I were going to put up such a monolith to tickle the world’s fancy and to be the king of impractical jokes.
Firstly, I would put it up after 1968. Two things were released that year: 2001 A Space Odyssey and Chariots of the Gods by Erich von Daniken. The discoverers of the Utah monolith made the connection to 2001 themselves which is why it has been called a monolith in the press. Von Daniken said that a millenniums old Indian iron pillar was of alien manufacture. This has since been debunked but it brought fame to this old world wonder. Although iron, it is rusting very, very slowly from effective ancient treatments. But actually I would put this “new” monolith up sometime after 1980 because I was just too young to do this prank at an earlier age.
Secondly, I would make it out of stainless steel. That after all is what the exterior of the giant nickel in Sudbury is made out of. I remember being disappointed by this factoid when I first heard it. I’ve always thought the giant nickel ought to be made out of pure nickel. Yes, stainless steel has some nickel in it. This way it would be cost efficient and wouldn’t rust. Theoretically it would last many millennia. It would be the impractical joke that keeps on giving (and lasting).
If this area of Utah is so remote, taking such a monolith overland in a car or by hiking might prove impossible. Thus I would use a helicopter to get it where it needs to be.
Then I could dig a hole at the approved site. To get the monolith in the hole I would drop it in with the helicopter. I would then burn the harness I had used to hopefully leave no traces. Then I would fill the rest of the hole so that thing would not budge for many millennia. Tadah! We now have a mysterious monolith.
While the authorities in Utah are expecting some fame driven artist to claim this installation, I know -er- think that this will never happen. Fame will only be for one news cycle. Then everyone will forget and the authorities will remove this from the almost pristine area of Utah.
Besides, the authorities have already said that this whole thing is illegal and they will likely throw me -er- the culprit in jail.
So let’s have an impractical joke that lasts a lifetime.
