Football Creep

The Super Bowl is tomorrow so of course this post mentions something about that. But it will be later in the post. For now let’s discuss that other “football”. In another word, I mean soccer.

Major League Soccer is the premier league for soccer in North America. And at least 3 teams sport the moniker FC. What could that harmless FC in the name Toronto FC mean? Those innocuous letters stand for Football Club. And that is the football creep I am referring to in my title.

In North America the word football is reserved for either American football or Canadian football, both of which are very similar and use a two pointed ball. To me, the use of the term football club in soccer is the first salvo from an anti North American group.

Just what group is this? Looking at my own city’s semi professional soccer team’s name, we can discover something. They are the K-W United FC. Anyone who has any inkling about British soccer knows that they got the United from the team Manchester United in Britain.

So the usage of FC to represent soccer teams probably comes from Europe. As a patriotic North American, all I can say to them is stop the football creep and go back to your own continent.

But I believe that the Europeans posing as North Americans have another salvo at the ready. They are just looking around for another name for football so at long last soccer will be able to carry that title. They are looking around for anything easily identifiable with football and that is where the Super Bowl comes in. I think they are going to try calling football by the name “Superbowling”.

But so as not to cause confusion, especially amongst the other Bowls, like the Rose Bowl and others, I believe the name will get shortened to just bowling. Which is the name of another sport, once again. I think this will lead to an interesting progression.

With ten pin bowling, five pin bowling, lawn bowling, American bowling, and Canadian bowling, it will be obvious that most sports already have bowling in the title. Thus, all other sports will be referred to as bowling, too. Including soccer.

So those of you FC supporters that don’t go back to Europe, will lose as surely as the rest of us. So just let your football creep go, now, before all sports are harmed.

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Just How Mutated Were Cinderella’s Feet?

For the sake of argument, lets assume that Cinderella’s feet looked like those of a normal young woman. If that is the case, the only way her foot would be different than the other subjects of her country would be if they were extremely large or extremely small.

There is correlation between foot size and height. For her feet to be at either extreme, Cinderella would be either quite short or quite tall. Short or tall enough that she would look mismatched with a regular sized monarch. Short or tall enough that a huge search of the kingdom would be very short lived.

No, Cinderella must have had odd feet in another way.

Some of you are already thinking like me that corns, bunions, warts or pimples might have made her glass slipper unique in the kingdom. But most of these afflictions turn men away from the pursuit of the afflicted women. That is usually one of the reasons women try to rid themselves of these problems. There is, however, a possibility the prince had a fetish for one of these conditions. To avoid the question of why this is, we will simply ignore that possibility.

Perhaps she had an odd number of toes. That would make her feet unique. But in many superstitious olden times, an extra digit or three could lead to being burned alive.

Perhaps her stepsisters had cruelly cut off one of her toes. But that would likely lead to Cinderella seeking the king’s justice which would have likely led her to having already met the prince.

The only other way I can think of for Cinderella’s feet and the glass slipper to be oddly shaped was that she was in dire need of orthotics. Which would mean that the cruelty of her step sisters and step mother would have been magnified by having to perform hard labour with ill prepared feet.

Then when Cinderella was given the correcting, orthotic glass slipper, smiles must have come easy to her that night. At last, dancing would have been a breeze and something she suddenly greatly enjoyed. All of which helped bewitch the prince.

Yes, yes. Cinderella’s glass slippers must have been orthotics, specially made for just her feet.

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Let’s Chuck the Royal Family


When Queen Elizabeth II passes on the role of being our head of government to her son, Prince Charles, that would be an excellent time for Canada to depose the royal family of Britain from being the titular head of our country.

Look, if we must have a royal family, we should make it representative of our country. So how do you have a titular head of government that truly represents a cultural mosaic? Any permanent choice for king or queen is going to cause controversy.

Quite simply the new royal family might only rule for a year. Each year a fair lottery could be held throughout the land where every adult citizen who is not in jail would be entered. $10 or $20 for every citizen could be put in a pot from the government. That would amount to 300 to 600 million dollars per year. That money would be spent on the drawn winner and their family and maybe a close friend or three, say 20 lucky people.

About 200 to 400 million dollars would be spent in automatic ways for upkeep and running of homes and vehicles. The rest of the money could be spent by our king or queen, however they see fit.

It would be a sort of Brewster’s Millions thing. The winner can spend it but if they have anything to show for it, it gets taken over by the royal family trust. The money would have to be spent by the end of the year. If not the remainder will go to a registered charity or charities of the monarch’s choice.

The monarch and the twenty family members or friends they choose to bring with them will leave at the end of the year but will be given a competitive salary for their time. This money would come out of the automatic upkeep money.

The jobs of the monarch and up to twenty others will be held open for them for the next year. So they can live out the rest of their lives with no net loss to themselves.

In case of an overspender that manages to spend all of the money, the royal family can do ribbon cuttings, etc. for the extra money it might bring in.

We can do it Canada. We can make the monarchy fun. And every year, a new face would be struck on our coins. Any former monarch will have reminders of the time they had.

Plus we can stick our tongues out at the Americans. Not only did we get rid of the British royal family without a war, we also have our own possible tourist attraction.

And lastly, for all you monarchists out there, don’t worry about never seeing your precious British royal family again. The proof is in their continued visits south of the border.

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What Happens in Vegas …

We’ve all heard the marketing line about Vegas that only grows through the years. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. And I say of course it does. Because the casinos there ply you with free alcohol.

Maybe I can’t attest to the effects of alcohol on you. But for a number of years I would drink with my one friend while watching a movie. The starts of all those movies are still fixed in my mind. But I couldn’t tell you what happened at the endings. I did not stop watching any of the movies. I didn’t drink so much that I ended up ‘partying till I puked’. Enough alcohol to just feel fine deeply affects my memory.

I’ve even used this knowledge over the past couple years. If I want time to proceed faster I simply have a six pack. Oh, it’s not blacking out if you were wondering, I just easily forget more ordinary things. I forget say 3 out of 4 things, so when I look back it’s like a quarter of the time has passed. But 4/4ths of time has actually passed.

It’s almost a time travel thing – an ignorant time travel. Or a fast forward button. But one must use caution. You’re not banking that 3/4 of time. You are out and out losing it. So I suggest you don’t do this frequently.

We’ve all heard that alcohol affects every person differently. But a large percentage of drinkers become alcoholics. And I have thought before that if everyone went through a large enough period of binging on alcohol, they might all become alcoholics. So although the memory losses I talk about may be larger than your memory losses, I would not be surprised if everyone is affected this way. Indeed I’m assuming for the rest of this piece that it does.

Back to Vegas. Of course the casinos ply you with alcohol because they’ve done studies that have concluded they make more money from gambling when their patrons are drinking. Indeed they make so much more money that they can ply every single person in their establishment with alcohol and still end up gaining more money than they lose in alcohol costs.

There is another reason to give out free alcohol. If you forget 3/4 of the stuff that happened to you that day and the rest contains the more interesting highlights, Vegas is going to seem like a land of all highlights. That will never hurt tourism.

But now that Vegas has their iconic slogan they have one more reason to give away alcohol. 3/4 of everything that happens will not leave Vegas. And the alcoholics and those on a bender will have almost 100% memory problems.

So a lot of things will never leave Vegas primarily because alcohol is the enforcer that helps you to forget. Just take my advice if you see a show – don’t get drunk off the free alcohol in the casinos first. See that show and gain a memory first. Then and only then, go to the casinos to get looped to hopefully forget that this place is in a horrible, horrible desert.

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Predator Versus …

predatorversusA predator sitting up in bed and sweating with fear says “I couldn’t see anything! I just felt that breath on my skin and I’d run again! Then it let out that blood curdling ‘Oink, oink!'”

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Garbage Out

While the news agencies are actually behaving themselves the rest of the year by doing actual reporting, this blog (which adds twists to that news much of the time) is productive. But during boxing week when the news consists of end of the year lists this site holds its own end of the year list which we are proud to do again.

Remember Garbage In leads to Garbage Out. And that’s the only excuse I need.

In January we investigated the ‘science’ behind blue bloods and inbreeding.

In March I suggested a cursive code that could be used by adults if children stop learning how to write in cursive. I didn’t come to this suggestion blindly. More than one academic setting has suggested dropping cursive so the children can learn other things.

In May we discovered that cats are conservative and it was also self evident that dogs were socialist. Who knew our pets had these hidden agendas?

July is a month that is so warm it is suggested people wear white. But you can’t wear white all the time or you might create a bridezilla.

September saw the post ) @ ^^ ^, I’m Good utilize symbols to spell swear words.

And finally November saw me suggest that with inflation and getting rid of currency that is too small will eventually lead to it being impossible to pay $666 for something. Or being paid $666. ) @ ^^ ^! Now I want to hire a fundamentalist Christian and pay them that exact amount. While I still can.

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Eleventh Hour Evidence – and Santa

The five high Arctic nations are currently trying to divvy up the Arctic Ocean amongst themselves. These countries are Canada, Russia, the USA, Denmark (they own Greenland) and Norway.

Here is an article showing Denmark’s latest gambit to claim seabed beyond the North Pole. Some of the countries are making outrageous claims simply because the UN (or other empowering organization that will make the final decision) might side with their bid. So the greediness marches on.

But I bet that Canada’s attempt to annex the sea up to the North Pole or even further will get backed up by unorthodox methods. Canada will say that it has always laid claim to the North Pole. This truth will be presented at the eleventh hour of any meeting and will be ushered in by a crown corporation.

That’s right, Canada Post will bring in mailbag after mailbag of mail addressed to a certain Santa Claus based in the North Pole in Canada.

Denmark and Norway might try this gambit, too, but with fewer children in those less populated countries, the weight of the evidence will tip in Canada’s favour.

The more populated United States might try to dramatically produce more mailbags than Canada addressed to Santa Claus at the North Pole in Alaska.

Under cross examination by the Canadian lawyers it will come out that there are two North Poles. One at the top of the earth and the other which has a couple thousand people as a suburbof Fairbanks, Alaska. Canada will magnanimously allow the United States continuing ownership of the Fairbanks North Pole.

Russia will try a different gambit. They will say that Father Frost(who is thin!) is said to live at the North Pole, too. He gives out presents to good kids in the new year. Shoudn’t the belief in him by way more children in Russia grant that country title to the North Pole?

But Canada’s star lawyer will note that other Russian folklore says that Father Frost simply lives in the northern town of Veliky Ustyug.

So the die will be struck. Canada will have the best claim on the actual North Pole. If Canada wins this part of the world, generations of Santa Claus letters will have done some unintended magic for Canada.

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parkway1st Panel: What politicians probably mean by calling expressways parkways…  Shown: lone car driving quickly through nature.

2nd Panel: What regular users think parkway means… Shown: backed up expressway with lots of honking and one thought balloon going to one car that says, “Miles and miles and miles of free parking! The only trouble is getting in or out!”

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Parody of The Trees

Rush has written some great songs over the years. The Trees starts out with good musical parts. Indeed the music stays good right to the end. And the cutesy idea of using the forest for its lessons is quite enamouring. It’s too bad that I just simply hate the message espoused by this song.

My two points are that I don’t like the anti union stance of the song nor the anti equality position. So I’ve taken the liberty of rewriting the lyrics of this song, set to the same music. They are as follows:

Lightning Rods

There is unrest in the forest,
There is trouble with the trees,
For the oaks don’t want to be
Fragile lightning rods.

The trouble with the oaks,
(And they’re quite convinced they’re right).
They say that they are just too lofty
And get the lightning strikes.
But the maples can’t help their feelings
If they like the way they’re made
And they wonder why the oaks
Can’t be happy at their height.

There is trouble in the forest,
And the creatures all have fled,
As the oaks scream “Oppression!”
And the maples shake their heads.

So the oaks formed a country club
And demanded equal heights,
The maples are just too cautious
We will make them become our height,
Now there’s no more tree oppression
For they passed a noble law,
And the oaks are all kept smaller
By hatchet, axe and saw.

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Cash – The Form of Currency for the Christian Pure

If there is any doubt that Canada’s Conservative Party has an implied pact with the conservative Christian movement, remove that doubt. Due to the actions of the Conservative Party it is now impossible to have the sum of $6.66 in cash.

Conservative Party ideology does not stop there. They are pro inflation and pro getting rid of onerous currency. Eventually the $5 coin will be the smallest unit of cash. As such having $666 will eventually be impossible to have as well.

As far as today goes people can have $666 in cash. But those who drag around such a large sum in their wallets are generally considered to be well off and in some religious circles that might mean being of questionable morals.

But wait, every electronic instance of our currency still carries along the penny and that makes having $6.66 possible in your bank account, on a credit or debit card or on a company gift card.

But just how many people have claimed the bank has questionable morals? Some might even find that establishment evil.

And the immorality of credit card debt is plainly obvious. The rewards offered for using the card are plainly temptations offered by the devil. They wouldn’t offer rewards if it didn’t mean more profits for them off of the public’s back.

As for those company gift cards, not only does the company get the gift paid for by some customer, those in charge of such programs also know that the public can’t stand to have a balance left on the card. Thus the company gets the extra that the gift receiver spends. Company gift cards are obviously sinful.

There you have it, conservative Christians, you now know the one true form of currency is cash. And you will never spend $6.66 again while using it. But you may still have to be nimble, mathematically, not to end up with $666 or spending that amount.

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