Maybe Mary Wasn’t One of the Biggest Liars of All Time

Christians believe (blindly) that Mary, mother of Jesus, was a virgin at the date of Jesus’ birth. Now any member of another religion (as well as atheists and agnostics) believe that Mary was one of the biggest liars of all time.

This lie is even more of a whopper in that Mary was married to Joseph all through the time of her pregnancy and birth. Joseph was almost supernaturally good to accept this lie and the lack of sex from Mary.

The claim of course was that virgins cannot get pregnant. So Mary blamed her condition on God himself who she claimed was the real father.

To this date the debate rages on. Liar! Not! It’s a rather tired refrain from both sides.

But I was unaware of the biological circumstance known as parthenogenesis which simply means “virgin birth” in Greek. The types of vertebrates that can do parthenogenesis are fish, amphibians, reptiles and birds. All these animals can have babies that have no father. The egg gets fertilized by just the female.

Why should mammals be left out of this female power play? Maybe Mary was an actual virgin whose marriage to Joseph hadn’t been consummated. Perhaps Mary somehow fertilized her egg the way that all non-mammal vertebrates do.

The birth of Jesus was then an example of parthenogenesis and not a miracle. In this scenario Jesus literally is not the son of God. He could, however, be the metaphorical son of God which saves the Christian religion.

Next time a Jehovah’s Witness comes a knocking, I’ll just tell them Jesus had no father because… parthenogenesis. They’ll have to call out their expert, then, who’ll say mammals can’t do that. I’ll yell “Prove it!” at the top of my lungs then I’ll slam the door and not let any Jehovah’s Witnesses back in. Ironically I won’t be giving my tormenters a chance to prove it.

Parthenogenesis is really a poor thing to hang your religion on.

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A Perfect Storm of Groundhogs

For the purposes of this article I have used this list of prominent groundhog prognosticators.

First of all I want to ignore the southern groundhogs. By 6 more weeks of winter, in my parts it means 6 more weeks of snow on the ground and not the light winters of the American south. So I have no problems ignoring Alabama’s Smith Lake Jake, North Carolina’s Sir Walter Wally and I definitely have no problems ignoring Georgia’s more racist General Beauregard Lee (an amalgam of the two biggest generals in the rebellion of the south).

So let’s get right on to the most famous groundhog of all, Punxsutawney Phil of Pennsylvania. He and his mid latitude counterparts – Buckeye Chuck of Ohio and Staten Island Chuck – may have once had a possibility of 6 more weeks of snow on the ground but in our time of global warming, they no longer make the grade.

So we are left with the three Canadian contenders for the prize of being the most accurate groundhog prognosticators. But, as anyone who knows Alberta in the slightest, late winter and early spring can have Chinook wind temperatures of 20 degrees Celsius and colder temps like minus 40 degrees Celsius. In general it is too difficult to define the start of spring in the province of Alberta and thus the groundhog has great difficulty in seeing his shadow or not. Maybe it’s always a haze in Alberta. So much for Balzac Billy.

We are thus left with Wiarton Willie of Ontario and Shubenacadie Sam of Nova Scotia. This year the portly prognosticators said there would be an early spring.

Could this be the perfect storm of an early spring? The only reliable groundhogs say yes. All across Canada there will be rejoicing. Until the next year when the groundhog pair say an early spring again. Then the next year and the next. Thus, I am suggesting that these groundhogs will prove global warming to the masses. What science couldn’t do, bull$#!+ prognosticating will do. Which should surprise no one. Scientists need a Global Warming Day to compete with Groundhog Day.

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A Smoke Filled Bar

1965, a smoke filled bar nearest to a CIA base…

The waitress had just gotten all their drinks and been paid so it would be some time before the group in the back corner would have their privacy busted.

An old man whose face was nearly hidden by the angle of his hat and the height of his scarf began speaking, “The ideal thing would be if the protesters simply surrendered and gave us the hands over the head and more importantly the palms and open fingers pointed to our cameras.”

“Don’t be an old fool,” said the man with the hooked nose and the more modern hatless head. “If they surrendered it would be a snap to fingerprint them directly.”

“Perhaps there is a gesture that could be used by the enemy, that could also make their fingerprints photographable,” said the third man who for some reason had a baseball cap emblazoned with the LA Dodgers.

“You know,” murmured the old man almost in a reverie, “my two kids used to think that the V for victory of World War II just meant peace.”

“That’s only two prints. I’d accept it if one was the thumb.” said hooked nose.

“The index finger and middle finger are important. Try to hold something with your thumb and ring finger or your thumb and little finger. It feels a bit unnatural. Those two prints are important,” said the old man.

“So who gets to risk their own fingerprints while spreading this new hand signal?” asked the baseball hat wearer.

“You’re the youngest. You should be able to fit in with the peaceniks,” said hooked nose.

“Ahhh. I bet they don’t even like baseball. And what happens to my career when my prints are photographed?”

“You’ll be a martyr of the CIA movement. You will have our undying appreciation,” said hooked nose.

“Then steal those prints out of your files.”

“Okay. If that’s the price of doing business. Soon we will have partial prints of all the biggest agitators.”

Today even the public can have cameras to lift your peace sign fingerprints from a few feet away. Biometrics as security generally sucks.

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Justin Trudeau and the Progression of Evil

We’ve all heard about Justin Trudeau and his family taking a trip on the dime of a hereditary muslim spiritual leader. Could this gift sway Canadian politics? What comes next for this corrupt Liberal government?

Let’s assume that Justin doesn’t shout down all ideas from his cabinet. Then that means the rest of the cabinet has power, too. Look for the next bought off trip to include all the members of the Trudeau cabinet as well as Justin and his family.

‘Now we’re getting somewhere’ corrupt businesses everywhere will say. You see they’ll no longer have to pay expensive lobbyists. Expect the last year that Justin is in power to be known as the Year of the World Cruise.

Justin will spend every day of that year waking up in a new exotic locale somewhere around the world. But in order to still do the business of running Canada, he will have to be accompanied by the whole of Canadian parliament. This way the taxpayers can be ever so slightly appeased.

But on the plus side, the parliament buildings in Ottawa will now be rented for a song. Imagine playing floor hockey in it’s immense halls. Imagine pretending to be prime minister in Justin Trudeau’s now deserted offices.

The legitimate government will be far away from Canada except during elections. All because enough voters didn’t make a kerfuffle about Justin Trudeau’s latest trip on the dime of the Aga Khan. “All the politicians are corrupt,” said one disillusioned voter allowing the circle of corruptness to expand again.

Let’s hope none of this happens. Let’s hope the ethics commissioner halts Trudeau in his tracks and he never takes a trip on someone else’s dime unless they are the taxpayer and he is prime minister. And these expenses can be reviewed.

While everyone else uses the word ‘entitled’ to describe Justin’s greed, I am using the more apt word ‘corrupt’.

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Post Modern Anything is Impossible

There existed a time when the architecture and the art was hard to name. As such, the lazy, lazy people of this time called this style modern. And as the movement grew it was still called modern. Even as it faded it was called the modern style. The next style was called simply post modern.

These idiots attempted to steal a word from the rest of society. Modern has always meant what exists now. I like this word and use it as it was originally intended. The attempt to steal this word and associate it only with a specific period is despicable.

You historians of style can’t come up with your own name so allow me to call the style “clunky”. You lost any naming rights when you supposed that modern could be trapped in time. So I now can talk about the clunky style and the post clunky style.

And now, we wordsmiths can use the word modern, again, as it was originally intended.

Do not be deceived by mind bending definitions of post modern. They are trying to make believable the unbelievable – ie. that we can even say anything about post-now. Besides people don’t live in a mind bending age because most of them are simple and do not trouble themselves with such inanities as the term post modern.

I live in the modern age and will always do so. Post modern will forever remain beyond my and other’s reach. Just call me sensible.

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There’s a New Organ in Town

There’s a new organ that has been discovered in the human body. It’s called the mesentery and it connects the intestine to the abdomen. What it does is still a mystery but possibly its discovery could lead to cures for some ailments.

So far this has made it past the peer review stage so it may well become scientific fact. It’s just that “complete” anatomy books have existed for over one hundred years and the mesentery has been pointed out in none of them.

The excuse is that the mesentery was once thought to be fragmentary bits and not a real organ.

So all those bodies that have been donated to science so medical students and others can do more than poke and prod at the human body have not uncovered this organ. But all along there have been rumours that medical students play with this bounty of generously donated specimens.

An intestine over the shoulder, a bladder as a hat, who knows what these students could have uncovered if they stopped their play. The tutors and others in charge should have had a first hand look at what they tested the students on, but, evidently their learning years were spent doing the same tomfoolery.

And then there are the morgues where causes of death need to be determined. You mean no one noticed the extra bits when they suspected the intestine or the abdomen had been the cause of death? Then there are all those movies and television shows and even music videos, where they are also fooling around in the morgue and not really doing the assigned jobs. Does this really happen, too?

Is it just that dead bodies are too comical a thing to really inspect and look at and discover? This really should embarrass the whole medical community. Maybe they are just waiting for the reports that the mesentery is still actually just bits. Maybe it does nothing. Or maybe we will find in the future that the mesentery looks like a good hat on a medical student.

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2016 Year End Review and Tesla

I’ve been waiting patiently all year for someone to poke fun at the Tesla company for making giant storage batteries for the home. This is a direct current operation and would be more sensible coming from a company named after Edison who believed household electricity should be DC. Way to dishonour the Tesla name.

As usual I have mocked many various things all year. In January and February I liked my post Symbol Dysmorphia and Scotsmen best.

If you’ve ever wondered if the various regimes around the world are actually benevolent then read All Alien Spaceships from March and April.

At the start of the summer I came up with Forcing Justin Trudeau to Keep Power. Ironically it was the belligerent Donald Trump that ultimately caused Justin to keep all his power. But never fear, Justin will give it all away to the next trade deal with anyone.

In midsummer I came up with a useful invention for the Pokemon Go revolution in Attention Pokemon Go Players.

In the fall I noticed the unfair Naming Animals by Sex That Are Closest to Us. Why do such huge discrepancies exist between dogs and cats?

I finished the year with Why Donald Trump Must Deport Himself. This was such a popular post that I deliberately didn’t post the last couple weeks and instead wrote and article for my other blog, Nooz Spun Right. If you write about American politics you can get 9 times the hits that Canadian politics brings.

With that I would like to wish everyone a good new year. Happy 2017.

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Why Donald Trump Must Deport Himself

In the run-up to the American election and in the election itself, Donald Trump positioned himself to be a deporter of more of the people that try to make the United States a home. But I have to call him out as being an alien. Not an illegal alien, but the extra terrestrial kind.

Sure Donald Trump says the least little thing that enters his head but so do a lot of the people I know. Some of these people I know even do it in a microphone like Donald Trump does. But they don’t end up becoming president of the United States of America. They don’t even become president of a lesser country. They don’t even become a mayor. They don’t become the president of a company either. I believe that Donald Trump is a special case. Perhaps he has read the minds of a good portion of the electorate like any respectable alien.

Do you have to go any further than the top of Donald’s head to see something alien. Yeah, he’s passed it off as hair. But the wiser amongst us realize that it is truly alien and perhaps an orange spore releasing part of his head.

That permanent pout we see in his mouth is there for the usual reasons. He was told he was coming to a planet of lesser beings where he would get anything at all that he desired. It just wasn’t that easy as Trump University and Rosie O’Donnell can both attest.

Hands as small as Donald’s are usually found on women. But being an alien is his out. Yes he could be a male extra terrestrial. Even though ET’s hands were much bigger despite his diminutive stature.

But his orange skin and orange hair are only seen as being human because he puts Caucasian makeup around his eyes so it only looks like he has a problem with tanning. It is far more reasonable that he is a totally orange alien. And because of a leftist Canadian party (the NDP) that overuses the colour orange, Donald realized that he just disappears when he is on the left. That’s what made him into a right wing Republican. And I bet during his reign he will never visit left Canada. Hopefully he thinks that is western Canada so the NDP in the east can use a dropping that will make him disappear for good.

If Donald Trump goes so far as to deport extra terrestrial aliens, I can only say that his mother world must be calling him and his family back. Obviously the Donald will go so I just have one question. Who gets to inherit all his properties and businesses?

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Ontario SPCA Partners With Veal Producers

spca

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Dear Donald Trump

You have won the election and now there are even signals that you won’t pull out of climate deals. I write this to try to make sure you do help the climate.

Firstly, science is not a buffet. You’re not supposed to choose certain theories and ignore others. Sometimes disparate theories are there because of the same basic idea. The current scientific thinking is the best that we have. In a way, saying no to climate science is also saying no to your smart phone or any other technology you hold dear. And science ideas are vetted way more thoroughly than any Apprentice show you’ve dreamt up.

But I mean to make climate science appeal to you. You are 70 years old and I bet you hold your wealth closer than you ever did. Why do I think this? Because you probably intend to make your life as long as possible.

There’s the standard idea that being able to afford the best doctors ensures the longest life possible. But that isn’t the only thing anymore.

There are drugs, now, that extend life. From rapamycin to metformin to ibuprofen the studies still need to be done fully on humans, but these drugs work in lower forms of life. And at least with rapamycin, given to older patients (equivalent to about 60 years old in humans), it still gives a noticeable extension of life. This means it is likely to extend your life, too.

And who knows how many doctors are working strictly to extend the lives of only the rich. If eating two puppies a day would extend your life to 200 years I’m sure that you and the rest of the very rich would partake.

In other words, it is not out of the realm of possibility that you will live to a ripe old age of 200 years old. You’ve heard those cries from the climate scientists, ‘if not for you than change for the benefit of your children’s children’.

Well you, Donald Trump, are likely to be alive in the heyday of your children’s children. As such you are going to want to be good to the environment. Help the rest of the world fight climate change by fighting it yourself.

In greed I trust,

Larry Russwurm

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