My Cat Loves Found Toys

When I first got my cat, Bast, I tried buying her all sorts of toys. But she rejected them one by one. The mouse on an elastic attached to the top of a door frame I thought would be the best. She did play with that one but less and less. Most toys she would ignore. One, the suction cup spring toy I attached to the side of my fridge at cat height, she didn’t play with and just kept ripping the suction cup off so the toy was on the floor.

But one inexpensive toy gripped her. She would hear my tearing off of an envelope end and jump into my lap. Before I was done reading the letter or maybe more properly bill, she would reach her paw up and grab the envelope end. This is her favourite toy of self play. She’ll play with these scraps on the ground after she has liberated them from my table.

I’ve tried all manner of balls with her but she hardly plays with these things. But I bought grapes and one time one accidentally fell to the floor. She rolled this around and it met her approval as a cat toy. Of course it was weeks later that I found this lone grape underneath my furniture, rotting away. So I have not let her have any other grapes. Still this alleged carnivore that doesn’t beg for food, will beg me every time I bring out any grapes to snack on.

She will play with me and the red laser toy. I just don’t bring it out that often because it isn’t that fun a toy for me. Especially after the first minute or two when she will look up at my hands and know that I am moving it around for her entertainment purposes. Then she stops.

I just got a watch with the biggest face I have ever seen. So even far from the kitchen light in the living room it catches that reflection which sometimes accidentally makes an appearance on the floor. My cat loves playing with this. And she really doesn’t know where the light is coming from which makes her play for a few moments. This is way longer than she plays with the laser light.

So there you have it. If I had known my cat’s penchant for found toys, I could have saved all of my toy bills. I have three ways of playing with her for free even if I won’t use the one because of the possible stench in my apartment.

So there you go. Three free ideas to keep your cat entertained without actually buying a toy. Try them first if you get a cat. If not you can buy the toys my cat won’t play with.

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Welcome, Canadians, to Our ‘Choice’

For those who don’t know, Canada has five parties that get seats: the Liberals, the Conservatives, the NDP, the Greens and the Bloc (which is only in Quebec and can’t win. I am going to ignore them for the rest of this article.)

So really there are four parties with different platforms that have the possibility of being elected. Canada is so lucky with all this choice you might think.

But of late the NDP has been waiting for the Green party to make its decisions. Then the NDP lifts their policies under the idea that only the NDP is a big enough party to get elected.

The Liberals and Conservatives used to be different parties. But not under the leadership of Justin Trudeau. Again and again he has bravely kept the Liberals supporting policy after policy of the Conservative Party.

It is my theory that Justin Trudeau thinks it all boils down to party moneys. He watched the Conservatives for a decade amass the largest war chest election after election. And now it appears that Justin is gunning for all this monetary support. So he shadows the Conservatives like a true zealot assuming he can buy the next election.

So there are only two choices in Canadian politics. ‘Welcome,’ our American neighbours would probably say.

But it gets worse.

Of the four parties only two have ever governed – the Liberals and the Conservatives. The closest the NDP has ever gotten is second place. The closest the Greens have ever gotten is fourth place among the relevant four.

So power rotates between the same guys and the same old guys who are the Liberals and the Conservatives. In all this it looks like only one view will ever have power in our stagnating system.

C’mon people vote for non liberal/conservatives. We need this in the next election. So we can say that our system is no worse than the American one. And worse, it presently is. Welcome to your choice. If that doesn’t get fewer Canadians voting, I don’t know what will.

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Let’s Build a Wall

It has been said that the reason The United States must build a wall is because many Mexicans are trying to escape their hellhole for the relative peace of the United States of America. So along came Donald Trump with his idea of building a wall and then sending the bill to Mexico.

In recent months people from the United States have been leaving that country for Canada. The Manitoba and Quebec borders have only weak defenses. Unlike Ontario which has a wall of Great Lakes, Manitoba guards over a lightly populated border that is not treacherous at all to manage and Quebec which has odd borders like towns that seem to be arbitrarily separated building by building.

These attempted Canadians have to be housed, fed and ruled upon in Canada. Whether these people will ever be allowed to stay is up in the air right now.

To stop this problem and the uncomfortable example it sets for Justin Trudeau’s Liberals, I have a suggestion. Build a wall.

These people will of course not stop without a huge wall. After all the United States is a relative hellhole compared to the peacefulness in Canada. Do not fear the taxpayer, Justin, for the United States has already voiced their take on the situation. Build the wall then present the bill to Donald Trump to pay.

Of course the Donald will pay. All we have to do is wait while he sets the precedent with Mexico. With the Donald’s own actions setting the international rules for wall payment, He will pay because he has to. Just as he does with all his business endeavours. Oh wait…

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Maybe Mary Wasn’t One of the Biggest Liars of All Time

Christians believe (blindly) that Mary, mother of Jesus, was a virgin at the date of Jesus’ birth. Now any member of another religion (as well as atheists and agnostics) believe that Mary was one of the biggest liars of all time.

This lie is even more of a whopper in that Mary was married to Joseph all through the time of her pregnancy and birth. Joseph was almost supernaturally good to accept this lie and the lack of sex from Mary.

The claim of course was that virgins cannot get pregnant. So Mary blamed her condition on God himself who she claimed was the real father.

To this date the debate rages on. Liar! Not! It’s a rather tired refrain from both sides.

But I was unaware of the biological circumstance known as parthenogenesis which simply means “virgin birth” in Greek. The types of vertebrates that can do parthenogenesis are fish, amphibians, reptiles and birds. All these animals can have babies that have no father. The egg gets fertilized by just the female.

Why should mammals be left out of this female power play? Maybe Mary was an actual virgin whose marriage to Joseph hadn’t been consummated. Perhaps Mary somehow fertilized her egg the way that all non-mammal vertebrates do.

The birth of Jesus was then an example of parthenogenesis and not a miracle. In this scenario Jesus literally is not the son of God. He could, however, be the metaphorical son of God which saves the Christian religion.

Next time a Jehovah’s Witness comes a knocking, I’ll just tell them Jesus had no father because… parthenogenesis. They’ll have to call out their expert, then, who’ll say mammals can’t do that. I’ll yell “Prove it!” at the top of my lungs then I’ll slam the door and not let any Jehovah’s Witnesses back in. Ironically I won’t be giving my tormenters a chance to prove it.

Parthenogenesis is really a poor thing to hang your religion on.

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A Perfect Storm of Groundhogs

For the purposes of this article I have used this list of prominent groundhog prognosticators.

First of all I want to ignore the southern groundhogs. By 6 more weeks of winter, in my parts it means 6 more weeks of snow on the ground and not the light winters of the American south. So I have no problems ignoring Alabama’s Smith Lake Jake, North Carolina’s Sir Walter Wally and I definitely have no problems ignoring Georgia’s more racist General Beauregard Lee (an amalgam of the two biggest generals in the rebellion of the south).

So let’s get right on to the most famous groundhog of all, Punxsutawney Phil of Pennsylvania. He and his mid latitude counterparts – Buckeye Chuck of Ohio and Staten Island Chuck – may have once had a possibility of 6 more weeks of snow on the ground but in our time of global warming, they no longer make the grade.

So we are left with the three Canadian contenders for the prize of being the most accurate groundhog prognosticators. But, as anyone who knows Alberta in the slightest, late winter and early spring can have Chinook wind temperatures of 20 degrees Celsius and colder temps like minus 40 degrees Celsius. In general it is too difficult to define the start of spring in the province of Alberta and thus the groundhog has great difficulty in seeing his shadow or not. Maybe it’s always a haze in Alberta. So much for Balzac Billy.

We are thus left with Wiarton Willie of Ontario and Shubenacadie Sam of Nova Scotia. This year the portly prognosticators said there would be an early spring.

Could this be the perfect storm of an early spring? The only reliable groundhogs say yes. All across Canada there will be rejoicing. Until the next year when the groundhog pair say an early spring again. Then the next year and the next. Thus, I am suggesting that these groundhogs will prove global warming to the masses. What science couldn’t do, bull$#!+ prognosticating will do. Which should surprise no one. Scientists need a Global Warming Day to compete with Groundhog Day.

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A Smoke Filled Bar

1965, a smoke filled bar nearest to a CIA base…

The waitress had just gotten all their drinks and been paid so it would be some time before the group in the back corner would have their privacy busted.

An old man whose face was nearly hidden by the angle of his hat and the height of his scarf began speaking, “The ideal thing would be if the protesters simply surrendered and gave us the hands over the head and more importantly the palms and open fingers pointed to our cameras.”

“Don’t be an old fool,” said the man with the hooked nose and the more modern hatless head. “If they surrendered it would be a snap to fingerprint them directly.”

“Perhaps there is a gesture that could be used by the enemy, that could also make their fingerprints photographable,” said the third man who for some reason had a baseball cap emblazoned with the LA Dodgers.

“You know,” murmured the old man almost in a reverie, “my two kids used to think that the V for victory of World War II just meant peace.”

“That’s only two prints. I’d accept it if one was the thumb.” said hooked nose.

“The index finger and middle finger are important. Try to hold something with your thumb and ring finger or your thumb and little finger. It feels a bit unnatural. Those two prints are important,” said the old man.

“So who gets to risk their own fingerprints while spreading this new hand signal?” asked the baseball hat wearer.

“You’re the youngest. You should be able to fit in with the peaceniks,” said hooked nose.

“Ahhh. I bet they don’t even like baseball. And what happens to my career when my prints are photographed?”

“You’ll be a martyr of the CIA movement. You will have our undying appreciation,” said hooked nose.

“Then steal those prints out of your files.”

“Okay. If that’s the price of doing business. Soon we will have partial prints of all the biggest agitators.”

Today even the public can have cameras to lift your peace sign fingerprints from a few feet away. Biometrics as security generally sucks.

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Justin Trudeau and the Progression of Evil

We’ve all heard about Justin Trudeau and his family taking a trip on the dime of a hereditary muslim spiritual leader. Could this gift sway Canadian politics? What comes next for this corrupt Liberal government?

Let’s assume that Justin doesn’t shout down all ideas from his cabinet. Then that means the rest of the cabinet has power, too. Look for the next bought off trip to include all the members of the Trudeau cabinet as well as Justin and his family.

‘Now we’re getting somewhere’ corrupt businesses everywhere will say. You see they’ll no longer have to pay expensive lobbyists. Expect the last year that Justin is in power to be known as the Year of the World Cruise.

Justin will spend every day of that year waking up in a new exotic locale somewhere around the world. But in order to still do the business of running Canada, he will have to be accompanied by the whole of Canadian parliament. This way the taxpayers can be ever so slightly appeased.

But on the plus side, the parliament buildings in Ottawa will now be rented for a song. Imagine playing floor hockey in it’s immense halls. Imagine pretending to be prime minister in Justin Trudeau’s now deserted offices.

The legitimate government will be far away from Canada except during elections. All because enough voters didn’t make a kerfuffle about Justin Trudeau’s latest trip on the dime of the Aga Khan. “All the politicians are corrupt,” said one disillusioned voter allowing the circle of corruptness to expand again.

Let’s hope none of this happens. Let’s hope the ethics commissioner halts Trudeau in his tracks and he never takes a trip on someone else’s dime unless they are the taxpayer and he is prime minister. And these expenses can be reviewed.

While everyone else uses the word ‘entitled’ to describe Justin’s greed, I am using the more apt word ‘corrupt’.

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Post Modern Anything is Impossible

There existed a time when the architecture and the art was hard to name. As such, the lazy, lazy people of this time called this style modern. And as the movement grew it was still called modern. Even as it faded it was called the modern style. The next style was called simply post modern.

These idiots attempted to steal a word from the rest of society. Modern has always meant what exists now. I like this word and use it as it was originally intended. The attempt to steal this word and associate it only with a specific period is despicable.

You historians of style can’t come up with your own name so allow me to call the style “clunky”. You lost any naming rights when you supposed that modern could be trapped in time. So I now can talk about the clunky style and the post clunky style.

And now, we wordsmiths can use the word modern, again, as it was originally intended.

Do not be deceived by mind bending definitions of post modern. They are trying to make believable the unbelievable – ie. that we can even say anything about post-now. Besides people don’t live in a mind bending age because most of them are simple and do not trouble themselves with such inanities as the term post modern.

I live in the modern age and will always do so. Post modern will forever remain beyond my and other’s reach. Just call me sensible.

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There’s a New Organ in Town

There’s a new organ that has been discovered in the human body. It’s called the mesentery and it connects the intestine to the abdomen. What it does is still a mystery but possibly its discovery could lead to cures for some ailments.

So far this has made it past the peer review stage so it may well become scientific fact. It’s just that “complete” anatomy books have existed for over one hundred years and the mesentery has been pointed out in none of them.

The excuse is that the mesentery was once thought to be fragmentary bits and not a real organ.

So all those bodies that have been donated to science so medical students and others can do more than poke and prod at the human body have not uncovered this organ. But all along there have been rumours that medical students play with this bounty of generously donated specimens.

An intestine over the shoulder, a bladder as a hat, who knows what these students could have uncovered if they stopped their play. The tutors and others in charge should have had a first hand look at what they tested the students on, but, evidently their learning years were spent doing the same tomfoolery.

And then there are the morgues where causes of death need to be determined. You mean no one noticed the extra bits when they suspected the intestine or the abdomen had been the cause of death? Then there are all those movies and television shows and even music videos, where they are also fooling around in the morgue and not really doing the assigned jobs. Does this really happen, too?

Is it just that dead bodies are too comical a thing to really inspect and look at and discover? This really should embarrass the whole medical community. Maybe they are just waiting for the reports that the mesentery is still actually just bits. Maybe it does nothing. Or maybe we will find in the future that the mesentery looks like a good hat on a medical student.

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2016 Year End Review and Tesla

I’ve been waiting patiently all year for someone to poke fun at the Tesla company for making giant storage batteries for the home. This is a direct current operation and would be more sensible coming from a company named after Edison who believed household electricity should be DC. Way to dishonour the Tesla name.

As usual I have mocked many various things all year. In January and February I liked my post Symbol Dysmorphia and Scotsmen best.

If you’ve ever wondered if the various regimes around the world are actually benevolent then read All Alien Spaceships from March and April.

At the start of the summer I came up with Forcing Justin Trudeau to Keep Power. Ironically it was the belligerent Donald Trump that ultimately caused Justin to keep all his power. But never fear, Justin will give it all away to the next trade deal with anyone.

In midsummer I came up with a useful invention for the Pokemon Go revolution in Attention Pokemon Go Players.

In the fall I noticed the unfair Naming Animals by Sex That Are Closest to Us. Why do such huge discrepancies exist between dogs and cats?

I finished the year with Why Donald Trump Must Deport Himself. This was such a popular post that I deliberately didn’t post the last couple weeks and instead wrote and article for my other blog, Nooz Spun Right. If you write about American politics you can get 9 times the hits that Canadian politics brings.

With that I would like to wish everyone a good new year. Happy 2017.

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