Eleventh Hour Evidence – and Santa

The five high Arctic nations are currently trying to divvy up the Arctic Ocean amongst themselves. These countries are Canada, Russia, the USA, Denmark (they own Greenland) and Norway.

Here is an article showing Denmark’s latest gambit to claim seabed beyond the North Pole. Some of the countries are making outrageous claims simply because the UN (or other empowering organization that will make the final decision) might side with their bid. So the greediness marches on.

But I bet that Canada’s attempt to annex the sea up to the North Pole or even further will get backed up by unorthodox methods. Canada will say that it has always laid claim to the North Pole. This truth will be presented at the eleventh hour of any meeting and will be ushered in by a crown corporation.

That’s right, Canada Post will bring in mailbag after mailbag of mail addressed to a certain Santa Claus based in the North Pole in Canada.

Denmark and Norway might try this gambit, too, but with fewer children in those less populated countries, the weight of the evidence will tip in Canada’s favour.

The more populated United States might try to dramatically produce more mailbags than Canada addressed to Santa Claus at the North Pole in Alaska.

Under cross examination by the Canadian lawyers it will come out that there are two North Poles. One at the top of the earth and the other which has a couple thousand people as a suburbof Fairbanks, Alaska. Canada will magnanimously allow the United States continuing ownership of the Fairbanks North Pole.

Russia will try a different gambit. They will say that Father Frost(who is thin!) is said to live at the North Pole, too. He gives out presents to good kids in the new year. Shoudn’t the belief in him by way more children in Russia grant that country title to the North Pole?

But Canada’s star lawyer will note that other Russian folklore says that Father Frost simply lives in the northern town of Veliky Ustyug.

So the die will be struck. Canada will have the best claim on the actual North Pole. If Canada wins this part of the world, generations of Santa Claus letters will have done some unintended magic for Canada.

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parkway1st Panel: What politicians probably mean by calling expressways parkways…  Shown: lone car driving quickly through nature.

2nd Panel: What regular users think parkway means… Shown: backed up expressway with lots of honking and one thought balloon going to one car that says, “Miles and miles and miles of free parking! The only trouble is getting in or out!”

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Parody of The Trees

Rush has written some great songs over the years. The Trees starts out with good musical parts. Indeed the music stays good right to the end. And the cutesy idea of using the forest for its lessons is quite enamouring. It’s too bad that I just simply hate the message espoused by this song.

My two points are that I don’t like the anti union stance of the song nor the anti equality position. So I’ve taken the liberty of rewriting the lyrics of this song, set to the same music. They are as follows:

Lightning Rods

There is unrest in the forest,
There is trouble with the trees,
For the oaks don’t want to be
Fragile lightning rods.

The trouble with the oaks,
(And they’re quite convinced they’re right).
They say that they are just too lofty
And get the lightning strikes.
But the maples can’t help their feelings
If they like the way they’re made
And they wonder why the oaks
Can’t be happy at their height.

There is trouble in the forest,
And the creatures all have fled,
As the oaks scream “Oppression!”
And the maples shake their heads.

So the oaks formed a country club
And demanded equal heights,
The maples are just too cautious
We will make them become our height,
Now there’s no more tree oppression
For they passed a noble law,
And the oaks are all kept smaller
By hatchet, axe and saw.

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Cash – The Form of Currency for the Christian Pure

If there is any doubt that Canada’s Conservative Party has an implied pact with the conservative Christian movement, remove that doubt. Due to the actions of the Conservative Party it is now impossible to have the sum of $6.66 in cash.

Conservative Party ideology does not stop there. They are pro inflation and pro getting rid of onerous currency. Eventually the $5 coin will be the smallest unit of cash. As such having $666 will eventually be impossible to have as well.

As far as today goes people can have $666 in cash. But those who drag around such a large sum in their wallets are generally considered to be well off and in some religious circles that might mean being of questionable morals.

But wait, every electronic instance of our currency still carries along the penny and that makes having $6.66 possible in your bank account, on a credit or debit card or on a company gift card.

But just how many people have claimed the bank has questionable morals? Some might even find that establishment evil.

And the immorality of credit card debt is plainly obvious. The rewards offered for using the card are plainly temptations offered by the devil. They wouldn’t offer rewards if it didn’t mean more profits for them off of the public’s back.

As for those company gift cards, not only does the company get the gift paid for by some customer, those in charge of such programs also know that the public can’t stand to have a balance left on the card. Thus the company gets the extra that the gift receiver spends. Company gift cards are obviously sinful.

There you have it, conservative Christians, you now know the one true form of currency is cash. And you will never spend $6.66 again while using it. But you may still have to be nimble, mathematically, not to end up with $666 or spending that amount.

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Canada Stats: A New Ratio

Most Canadians have heard the following fact about living in Canada. 90 % of Canada’s Population lies within 200 miles of the American border. When your country stretches for thousands of miles further north, this is a significant statistic.

I wish to go further than that today. I would like to say the larger the southern border with the US of each region, the more population is in that region.

There is one obvious disagreement with this rule and it is in the prairie provinces. Alberta has the smallest southern border with the US of all the prairie provinces. This despite the fact that is about 3 times more populous than both Saskatchewan and Manitoba. I think that the difference is largely due to oil wealth in Alberta that allows this province not to have a sales tax. (They may claim it’s because they have no rats but they’re forgetting the right honourable kind.) I’ve avoided this problem by considering the prairie provinces to be 1 region.

I have also made the Atlantic provinces into 1 region. You see it is true that only New Brunswick of these provinces shares a border with the US. So I’ve united these four provinces into one as well.

Then we get, from most populous area to least populous area, the population usually agrees with the southern border with the US. So I’ll list the province first, the population second, the length of border in miles third, and then the population over the length of border (our new ratio). We get:

Ontario, 13 472 400, 1 715, 7856
Quebec, 8 028 400, 505, 15 898
Prairies, 6 180 700, 887, 6968
British Columbia, 4 606 500, 561, 8211
Atlantic Canada, 2 355 800, 318, 7408

Shown like this, Quebec is the only outlier in the statistics. We get about 7500 Canadians per mile of southern US border in all the other Canadian areas.

So why is Quebec such an outlier? Well it may just be that they were settled before any other part of Canada and kept that head start. It might also be that the 1st colony in Quebec began in 1608. The first Thirteen Colonies (which became the US) settlement occurred in 1609. So Quebec or New France was there before there was even an American border to huddle up against.

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A year or two ago I tried playing peekaboo with my cat to some success.

Sometimes she comes up to my bed while I’m lying down and I can see the tips of her ears over the line of the bed. So a few times I pushed my head up to lock eyes and said “Peekaboo,”. Then I pulled my head down so I couldn’t even see the tips of her ears. And then I repeated those actions as the game demanded.

My cat just looked at me but seemed sort of entertained. In my mind back then I had been successful at teaching my cat to play peekaboo. What was my cat going to do to prove she understood the game? Was she going to say “Peekaboo,” back to me?

So the other day the cat came up to my bed so the tips of her ears were showing. I started the game again. I pushed my head up, locked eyes with her, and said “Peekaboo.” Then I pulled my head down for a moment. Then I repeated. The third time I put my head up, I couldn’t lock eyes with her. Doubting her cat’s brain I pushed my head even further up. I saw her butt and tail over the line of the bed.

She hadn’t run away. She had lowered her head so I couldn’t see it to do the “Peekaboo.” So I asked “Where’s my kitty?” I lowered my head and shut up. Then I raised it again and asked, “Where’s my kitty?” as she was still lowered to the ground. I did this a few more times. She wouldn’t raise her head again.

I think that cat brain of hers thinks she has improved the game. “See,” she’s saying, “when I hide I stay hidden. Unlike you foolish human.”

Still I think I can eventually get her to see things my way. And maybe I can even pull off that ultimate success. That’s when she says “Meow,” at just the right time while she’s doing it.

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The Golden Age of Moths

“Like a moth to a flame” is a common phrase. But what does it refer too? It references the dance of death where a moth will see a flame and be attracted to it. It doesn’t stop there. The moth flits closer and closer to the erratic flame until it either is singed or burns completely.

Thank Mothra for the electric light! Modern humans light things up with electric light. If this were not the case we would likely have rows of tiki torches instead of electric moon rays. How many moths are saved by the electric light? It is such a large number that it is practically incalculable. In this way, modern civilization is good to the moth.

But wait, nature produced fire long before humans. It comes in the form of forest fires and grass fires generally ignited by lightning strikes. Man has things of his own to protect from such fires, now. So he fights these fires, be they in the northern forests of Canada or the more open fires near the California coast. This produces fewer fires or at least smaller ones for the moth to die in.

This truly is the age of the moth. Except maybe for moth balls. But those seem to be used less frequently.

What will moths do with their better lives? Perhaps they will teach their young about the horrors of the past. And the legend of Mothra. Maybe they will grow a powerful civilization. Only time will tell for sure.

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NaNoWriMo the Third

National Novel Writing Month or NaNoWriMo has existed for over a decade. But for me personally, this is the third time participating. And I’m doing it wrong for the 2nd of 3 years.

My first year and this year I am writing a collection of short stories. I’m retitling the 1st collection as Fabrications and this year’s outing is related so it is called More Fabric. The novel in between these “wrong” years is also related. I am writing a six book series. As I see it now, the last two books will be novels and next year’s outing will be wrong again with three novellas making up the book.

NaNoWriMo is being obliging by opening up Camp NaNoWriMo in April and July to collections or other works. As well they have a variable goal, not solely consisting of the tyranny of the 50 000 words.

I’m fine with 50 000 words. The curious of you might wonder which is harder, the novel or the short stories? I found both to be about the same. You risk sagging interest at the length of novel and with short stories you’re constantly restarting which is hard some days.

The reason I am writing my series at the normal NaNoWriMo time is because I heard about the hype for November and heard nothing for the Camps. Indeed I wasn’t conscious of the Camps till the two in this year. That’s when I realized the freedom they are offering.

Indeed, because it wasn’t a novel, my first book’s synopsis on the NaNoWriMo site is carefully worded to not give my wrongness away. As such, when I met the 50 000 word goal in less than a month, I said nothing and got a validated win. It was also nice to get the win last year when I was doing the challenge properly.

Perhaps NaNoWriMo will take away my first win two years ago and this year, too. I’m not hiding what I’m doing this year. I explained all this in my synopsis to More Fabric.

It’s just that it is extra work for them to check everyone’s synopsis at validation time. So I suspect that I will be validated if I meet the 50 000 word challenge this year. I suspect to be challenged only if someone yells “wrong” and complains officially. It’s just that I think most people are attracted to NaNoWriMo by the collegial atmosphere, where we’re taking on a challenge all together and swapping tricks and support. So it might be that no one will complain.

If that’s the case, NaNoWriMo might only find out about my wrongness if my books actually sell and some connection to the yearly challenge is made. If my books are selling, I don’t mind this problem.

If I look wrong to you, I am sorry. Just think of me as Camping in the entirely wrong month and season.

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Dithering Gen X Caused By Dithering Sociologists

X stands for the unknown in mathematics and that is how Gen X (full disclosure: I am a Gen Xer) gets perceived by the world. It’s not just that both surrounding generations (the baby boomers and the millenials) have a much larger population and thus get the spotlight more often. It’s also that practically no traits have been ascribed to Gen X as a whole.

Can’t Gen X make up its mind what it wants to be? I definitely think that this is the case. But there is much dithering because there is no concrete definition of what a Gen Xer is.

The baby boomers began to be born just after World War II. This generation is supposed to end sometime in the sixties. When that is, exactly, is undefined.

The baby bust happened sometime in the early to mid sixties. Sociologists are still duking it out about when exactly this event occurred. Gen X is the baby bust. So the lead Gen Xers are undefined. The lead baby boomers got followed everywhere. From overcrowded nurseries to overcrowded schools to overcrowded work places and overcrowded retirement homes.

But how can you follow the lead Gen Xers when you don’t even know who they are? Gen X has been said to start anywhere between 1960 to 1967. I wouldn’t know where the press should begin even if it wanted to.

The end of Gen X is firm. Very close to the end of 1982 the baby bust ended. So those born in 1983 to 2000 are the millenials. They used to be called Gen Y but since they have firm leaders the term millenials has taken over. They don’t want to just follow Gen X.

And the current crop of babies and kids is “Gen Z”. What they choose to name themselves is still up in the air. After all they are still under age. Both latter generations have firm starts so they have firm traits.

Gen X still gets thought of as wishy washy or the unknown that I mentioned at the top of this piece. I’ve seen articles about millenials that confidently lists their traits. In this respect they have already outdone Gen X in their visibility and seeming assertiveness.

Sociologists I call on you to do something simple : agree with each other. Gen X may have fallen to the way side simple because of its lesser population. But if a beginning is struck, perhaps Gen X will get one tiny article on some obscure blog site one day that outlines its traits. Then I can finally see what we are.

Until that time comes I’d like to change that X in Gen X into its Roman numeral or the perfect ten that I know we are. Take that, other generations.

And sociologists are the true ditherers in the generational saga.

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Guaranteed Way of Beating the Freshman 15

The much dreaded “Freshman 15” refers to the gain of 15 pounds by university and college freshmen. We know this pitfall exists so why haven’t we done anything about this? In this era of increased obesity amongst younger people maybe we can use my guaranteed method of fighting the freshman 15 as the first salvo in a successful war on obesity.

I can hear many of you doubting that I actually have a guaranteed method to fight the freshman 15. Allow me to plant my seed of an idea. If all those young adults never leave high school, how will they encounter the freshman 15? I’ll say it more proactively. If students never leave their high school they are highly unlikely to encounter the freshman 15.

We can peek at all the possible causes of the freshman 15. There is the stress of leaving Mom and Dad’s house. There is the stress of living away from home. There is the forced learning of how to cook good nutritious meals for the first time. There is the opportunity to spoil your next meal with too many chips or cookies. There are the constant pizza parties. There is the sudden and new intake of large amounts of alcohol.

If you never leave home you will never encounter these stressors. If you never leave home your parents can continue to stock good foods for you. If you never leave high school you will never have to navigate new social groups ever again. The price your parents might make you pay for staying at home would be to not abuse alcohol like most college students. In fact they might limit you to your high school consumption levels.

But surely I don’t expect everyone to remain in high school. Students would get bored studying the same curriculum again and again. (Wouldn’t this drive them to drink and overeat?) How would society function if everyone were stuck in high school?

The grade 12s would graduate. Then return to classrooms of the high school where they graduated. But they would telecommute to universities and colleges all over the world. After they complete their post secondary stint they could graduate to the workplace – also in their school. We have the technology to telecommute to both work and school. Why shouldn’t we take full advantage?

Fine, I’ve saved everyone from the freshman 15 and even the possible first job 15, but where oh where are we going to put that next group of grade nines that wants to go to an already full high school?

I freely admit that we are going to have to build a new high school every 4 years but look at all the savings. Instead of all those expensive and award winning college and university buildings, all we have to build are boring high schools. I’m sure the government will end up saving more money after all.

Real commuting will all but cease, leaving the roads free to the pleasure driver.

But most of all we will have beaten the freshman 15. How much type 2 diabetes and all its costs will this move save?

Now that we have this under our belts, we can move onward to childhood obesity. Who will come up with that guaranteed plan?

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