November 2024 Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 16 November 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Let’s say you wish to swear geographically. What would be the best way to go about this?

Well you may be up Schitt’s Creek without a paddle.

What the Fukishima is wrong with me?

If you don’t like it you can go to Helsinki!

Then there is also the grand twofer. Kiss my Aswan Dam it all.

*

In a bizarre turn of events, Donald Trump has decided that he wishes to be called by the more feminine side of his name: Dawn Trump.

There’s no word yet on whether the Dawn wishes to change their pronouns, but that could be coming in a future statement.

Some will likely be shocked by this revelation. But don’t be. The Dawn has been foreshadowing this for years with the orange hair and the orange skin. Indeed it could be said if dawn could be narrowed down to one colour, it just might be orange.

*

Canada and India have been having bad relations for a few years and it has been getting worse recently with Canada accusing India of killing a citizen on its soil as well as other egregious crimes. India denies the ties that have been found between Canadian crimes and its own government.

But really what is most straining on the relationship between the two is that they both want to be known as the world’s largest democracy. India wishes to claim this for the sheer size of its population. Canada wishes to claim it by the sheer size of its geography.

Will these two countries keep adding on new problems? Or will they get down to the real root cause of their feud? Maybe one could use world’s biggest democracy and the other could use world’s largest democracy.

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Rogaine Rogan

Posted on 9 November 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Joe Rogan is a famous podcaster. You may not be aware of the fact that people are attracted to their own names or very similar names. For instance Lawrences often become lawyers and Dennises often become dentists. So that’s why I call him Rogaine Rogan for his attraction to the pharmaceutical that is supposed to grow hair.

But wait you might say. Joe Rogan sports a bald head at most times. Surely he of all people would be anti Rogaine, if anything.

Maybe, but the call of Rogaine crept into his consciousness over time. He thought about adding it to his chest and legs to see how thick he could make those hairs in those parts of his body. Then he thought he might make it stylish to have a hairy back by using Rogaine there. He has just enough influence this just might become popular for awhile. But then he realized it would inevitably go out of style and he would be stuck shaving his back for the rest of his life. And he can’t reach there by himself.

So Joe decided to have a secret place where he let his hair grow – his esophagus. With this idea becoming firmly entrenched in his brain he began to chug bottles of Rogaine.

As the hair grew it slowly dawned on Joe that some of his food was getting trapped in the hair and not making it to his stomach. Of course he didn’t want to starve to death so he came up with the plan that he would have to shave it.

He tried using manual razors on a string. But this barely cut any hair because there was no leverage. It was time for him to think outside the box.

Acting quickly, with his stomach grumbling all the time, he enrolled in sword swallowing lessons. This poked the food down into his stomach and now he had hope.

But really his plan all along was to use a sword with a sharp blade. Once he inserted it, with his head up and his back straight, it could be slowly rotated to shave his interior esophagus. He would have to rotate that sword a full 360 degrees while inside him.

This was successful for Joe and now he easily does his sword swallowing shave once weekly.

So now Joe is happy and still is attracted to his name. So he watches anything that Seth Rogen has ever been associated with.

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The Mr Universe Pageant

Posted on 2 November 2024 by Larry Russwurm

For those who don’t know, the Mr. Universe pageant is all about body building. Those who have built their bodies to the maximum musculature are vying for the best bodies to be determined by the hopefully neutral judges.

They are judged on symmetry, proportion, muscle size and clarity.

Needless to say, I would not be eligible to win such a competition with my Dad bod. (Full disclosure: I am not a Dad.) But back in the day, when I did have a good body, I wouldn’t have been eligible for any of the awards of this pageant, either. Indeed I felt insecure about my body precisely because it never measured up to the standards of these body builders. By the very nature of this competition, you are meant to not feel good enough unless you are one of the top body builders in the world.

Indeed, people accomplished-with-their-bodies are meant to feel worse about their bodies because of these competitions. You know, gold medal swimmers, runners, decathletes, shotputters etc. feel lesser than body builders because of this competition.

I looked at some of the bios of the Mr. Universe winners and saw that only Eddy Ellwood was a Strong man competitor in Britain. In other words, all that body building doesn’t necessarily make a competent athlete. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they are athletes. Decades ago I remember watching Battle of the Network Stars and thought that it was unfair that Lou Ferrigno (the Hulk) could compete. But then I saw him run his fastest. Those muscles in his legs may be strong but they weren’t fast.

So now I say don’t waste your time regretting that you don’t have a bodybuilder’s body. Your body may be attractive in its own right. I now think my high school body was good. I could see a six pack in my body back then. I thought I had a sunken in chest but I think it might have looked that way only because I had broad shoulders. Then I also felt insecure of the body I had in my twenties. I gained 15 pounds when I turned 20. The bottom two muscles in my six pack were now covered by a bit of fat so you could no longer see them. But my chest had gained muscle and now jutted out. But I was convinced that I weighed too little. I would be proud to have either body right now. And I will miss my present Dad bod when I am just a brain in a jar somewhere, clinging to a truly sedentary life.

I believe Mr. Universe is harming the world with the looks it presents as being excellent. That’s all it is, is looks. There is no talent contest. There are no questions that might make you think of these men as anything but muscle heads. These contests are worse for society than even beauty pageants. Still, if I had to move furniture and could only choose my movers based on looks, I think I would choose the last couple reigning Mr. Universes.

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Antarctica Door Can Only Mean One Thing

Posted on 26 October 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Finally explorers have found it. A door sticking out of the Antarctica landscape. This can only mean one thing. We have finally found Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.

Superman had us all fooled. He led us to believe that the Fortress of Solitude was in the high Arctic. When in fact it existed all along in the opposite part of the world. That Kryptonian brain of his is of course capable of super lies.

You can look at the door in the link. It doesn’t look like there is a giant keyhole for a giant key that only Superman is strong enough to lift and use. So there is a possibility that there is a way humans can get in and explore this wonder of the world. Or wonder of Krypton.

I say we send an expedition posthaste with the greatest locksmiths and escape room solvers to find a way inside.

I would love to be able to open a portal to the phantom zone or even more importantly the bottle city of Kandor.

Which reminds me that the tiny super powered Kandorans are likely flying around, protecting the Fortress of Solitude from nefarious people like Lex Luthor and Brainiac. And weren’t there Superman robots, too? The loot in this place is enough to make anyone marvel.

If we can communicate with those teensy Kandorans, who are likely flying around everywhere, I think we can agree on some ground rules that they will enforce with their superpowers. These super fleas, if you will, will be the law in the Fortress of solitude.

Are we going to be the first humans that have been there? My take is that Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and Batman have already been there before us. But still it will be a wonder for any of us. And the Kandorans can help us decide what works and what doesn’t with modern technology, For instance we could find out about the upheavals AI is likely to have in store for us so we can act accordingly. Thank you, eagle eyed Google Maps watchers.

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Neanderthal Intelligence

Posted on 12 October 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Have you heard about psychology claims that East Asians are more intelligent than whites who are more intelligent than blacks? I used to ignore such claims until recently.

On IQ tests, East Asians are supposed to average 106, whites 100 and blacks 85 according to the article I link to. Many might disagree with such claims saying that the IQ tests are biased. I know I do. But for a moment let’s assume they’re true.

In this other article I link to, East Asians have the most Neanderthal DNA. They are closely followed by whites, and blacks have the lowest amount of Neanderthal DNA.

It isn’t ironclad that the more Neanderthal DNA you have that the more intelligent you are. But it is possible. It might even be probable. If only there were another way to gauge whether Neanderthals were more intelligent than us.

In the first article I linked, the author is convinced there is another underlying basis for East Asians having superior brains. They quite simply have bigger brains.

Did you know that it is believed that Neanderthals had bigger brains than Homo Sapiens? That includes East Asians. I thereby must conclude that Neanderthals were smarter than us. All Homo Sapiens that is.

The only thing that is likely to take my humble theory out is that I am just a white purporting this theory. If I were East Asian it should have more credibility. If I were Neanderthal, it would have the most credibility of all. Because that would mean I’m a time traveler.

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Guitar Slinging

Posted on 5 October 2024 by Larry Russwurm

There are two schools of thought in regards to how your rock guitar, bass or keytar is slung. The first school says that to be as cool as possible, the guitar should be slung as low as possible while the musician is still able to play the instrument.

Generally the maximum low is roughly when the guitar body is as low as your groin and the rest of the instrument appears as if it is coming out of your groin area. If you think I am saying groin a lot, you would be right.

The guitarist, bassist or keytarist plays with this giant instrument that is coming out of their groin. Isn’t that cool? Or is it just masturbation?

One might wish to call the guitarist, bassist or keytarist a giant dick. But they will just respond with a simple, “I’m not a giant dick. I play a giant dick.”

The other school of thought around guitar slinging is that the guitar should be held up high enough that the musician can play with maximum agility, speed and stretch. This musician can now play more complex pieces if he/she wants to.

It’s no surprise that the prog rock guitarists, bassists and keytarists all seem to play with their instrument up higher, more like the body of their instrument is based at the belly button and the instrument appears to come out of this area. Not only do prog rock musicians do this, but, virtuoso musicians like Eddie Van Halen and Mark Knoppfler also do this.

Not only is this much better for the complexity of the music, you can even say Steve Howe (of Yes) is such a good guitarist that he practically came out of the womb playing the umbilical cord. Yup, straight out of the belly button. No wonder virtuoso musicians play from the belly button.

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September 2024 Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 21 September 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Donald Trump will have you believe that he is the most persecuted of all presidents ever. With two attempted assassinations in a few weeks, many might believe this bluster.

But Gerald Ford had two attempts on his life within 17 days in September, 1975. Obviously Gerald Ford was more persecuted than Donald Trump. So unless Donald Trump has a new assassination attempt, I would say Gerald Ford was the most persecuted president.

I largely believe that Ford was the most persecuted because of the deal he might have made with Richard Nixon, his predecessor. It’s very widely believed that Nixon resigned, which made Ford president and in return, Ford used his presidential pardon on Nixon.

However, if Trump said most prosecuted president, he would be 100 % correct.

*

There is a newish advertisement for Canadian Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre, voiced by his wife, an immigrant. This is a clever ploy on the part of the advertisers. The Conservatives are known to be anti immigration in a lot of their policies. Indeed this party is probably the most recent one that has been accused of racism. Perhaps they can persuade a lot of immigrants or pro immigrants to switch to voting for their party, if this ad does its job.

Anyhow I cannot help but think that his wife’s accent makes the word boy (in describing a young Poilievre) sound like the word bully both times she says it in the full ad. Not only is this funny and you can’t help hearing it in the ad, but it harkens back to the old stereotype of a conservative politician who might best be described as a bully.

Indeed, Poilievre’s wife should know him best and if she describes him as a bully, well who am I to argue?

This ad has convinced me to not vote for Poilievre.

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Oasis Fees

Posted on 14 September 2024 by Larry Russwurm

The Gallagher brothers are back together and thus the band Oasis has been reunited. Often known more for their fiery fights than the music, Oasis will make a boatload of money for the reunion tour.

But Ticketmaster took heat for having added nearly as large amount in fees as the tickets themselves cost. But looking at the fee names, it’s easy to see why they were necessary.

The first fee was a Tambourines Can Also Be Weapons fee. The often feuding brothers have used tambourines as weapons before so you can see why this fee was necessary.

The next fee was a Cricket Bats Can Also Wreck a Studio As Well As Your Brother’s Head fee. This fee was absolutely critical in getting the brothers to reunite so of course it’s part of the price.

Next came the fee for A Fight Can Also Be Released As A Single. The brothers had a fight in an interview and had it released as the single, Wibbling Rivalry, the highest charting interview release in the UK.

Then there was the I Have a Sore Throat But I Can Still Heckle the Band fee. This fee comes with the warning that only Liam Gallagher can get away with this and absolutely no one in the audience is allowed to do this.

Then there’s the “You Can’t Question the Legitimacy of Noel’s Daughter fee. It was many years before Liam apologized for questioning exactly that.

Then there is the to be expected fee for a rock and roll show, The Wielding a Guitar Like an Axe fee. Surprisingly, this to be expected maneuver, is what broke the band apart in the first place.

But Oasis is back. Will the rivalry continue? Will there be new fights? Will there be new music? Will there be any music at all? Wait and see. The shows are set for 2025.

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Ex RSV

Posted on 7 September 2024 by Larry Russwurm

I just realized what may have gone down in the RXV naming meeting. They had a viable vaccine for RSV. So maybe they wanted to name it ex RSV. But they wanted it to be shorter. So they replaced the ess sound for the ex sound. Hence, they called the vaccine RXV. Clever.

But do you want to know what was really clever advertising? Bubly using Michael Buble in their advertising. The ads made for good watching. I will only link one ad. See the rest on your own time. The possibilities for humour when your product name is very close to a likeable celebrity are entertaining.

So I think now that RXV can up their game even more. Say “Wayne Gretzky, RXV” three times fast. They are similar. Maybe we won’t make commercials as classic as the Buble ones , but they might be close.

I offered Wayne Gretzky because I know he is willing to shill for a company as he does for sports betting. Offer him up enough money and I’m sure he’s game enough for anything within reason. Check that word game. Maybe Wayne Gretzky is game for RXV. Well I’ll let the ad writers do the writing. But the possibilities are there.

Now naming a new pharmaceutical product usually involves coming up with a new word. Is there any rule stating that it can’t be close to a likeable celebrity’s name? A celebrity that you have a working agreement with? No there isn’t.

But corporations beware! These celebrities may not want to do ads with you (after the initial flurry of ads), for less than a billion dollars. After your name and their name are inextricably linked by being almost the same, no other celebrity will fit. That actually is okay for those in the medical field. That much money goes into promoting a new breakthrough drug anyhow. Maybe the corporation will pay, maybe it won’t. It depends if it needs that type of boost.

It’s my belief that Bubly was named depending on a contract with Michael Buble. This trick can be easily used for any new pharmaceutical. And the money is there. Watch for it in the future.

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Maybe Boeing is Trying To Do Their Share in Evening Out Passenger Death Rates

Posted on 31 August 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Perhaps you have heard that the death rate per 100 million passenger miles varies greatly by method of transportation. This is true as shown by this linked graph. Basically the lowest that passenger cars dips to is 0.5 deaths per 100 million miles over the years 2007 to 2022. The highest any of the other three transportation modes goes to is 0.1 deaths per 100 million miles by passenger rail in 2008. Buses and scheduled airline flights both have fewer deaths per 100 million miles of travel.

Indeed, scheduled airline flights have so many fewer deaths, that it is only visible on this graph for one year. That is for the year 2009. Congrats airlines! You are the safest method of travel for every year compiled by this graph.

Boeing has been criticized for shoddy workmanship in their planes over the last few years. Issues keep arising. Look at these 9 incidents from the first 3 months of the year.

Perhaps Boeing feels sorry for its huge advantage over passenger car fatalities per 100 million miles. Perhaps Airbus will follow Boeing’s lead in the shoddy workmanship department, so passenger deaths per 100 million miles will at least show up on the chart every year.

So what’s next for Boeing? Why space of course.

Do you know that the space station orbits the earth 16 times a day. That’s 25 000 miles every 90 minutes. It’s been up for how long now? And no one has died, even including the rocket flights up to it and back. With seven astronauts in it since 2000, that is about 25 billion miles with zero fatalities. This is even better than the scheduled airline flights.

So the first Boeing Starliner to make it to the International Space Station has problems with leaks and might not make it back to earth with live crew members. NASA wants an even better record in space so they scrubbed the return via Boeing. What can one say? Boeing might have brought down that record if only for a year.

So now, without Boeing to even things out, it falls down to all of us to increase the number of miles driven in a passenger car without fatalities. That means no drunk driving, no distracted driving, no speeding etc. We can even out the death rates by being almost perfect!

I doubt Boeing will help much. They are changing CEOs and have been concerned with a falling reputation. So if perfect isn’t possible for us in our own cars, don’t expect continued help from Boeing. Indeed, I bet some statisticians want to now start a graph of death rates which pits Boeing directly against Airbus. Something that is easily done when there are only a couple big players in scheduled airline flights.

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