Confessions of the Japan Thief

It was after being locked up for theft by Batman in Gotham City that I heard him speaking to Commissioner Gordon. I don’t know why Batman was being confessional but he said to the Commissioner, “You know Superman has no powers at all under a red sun.”

They continued to talk but I only heard bits and snatches of the rest. I gathered that Superman was off in space for his latest mission. Eventually the eavesdropped upon duo left and my mind was abuzz. I knew where to head as soon as I was released.

You know Metropolis’ slogan, “If the cops don’t catch our criminals, Superman will.” Indeed there had been a bit of an exodus of the criminal element from Metropolis and now most of Superman’s crime fighting was done in neighbouring cities.

With the reliance on Superman, Metropolis was probably an easy score.

Knowing that weakness of Superman, I now had an in. I made a suit with the emblem of the rising sun, or setting sun if you will, and copied Japan by making it on a field of white. I knew the time of the sun reddening would only be a few minutes but in that time I could make off with much money.

I travelled to Metropolis and indeed that city was easy pickings. I got away with three sunset robberies. Really, I had enough to retire comfortably on but I continued because I wanted to see if Superman would ever dare to show his face for my robberies. They called me the Japan Thief since I wasn’t there to set the record straight to the press.

Finally I had just finished loading up my unmarked minivan with the bank windfall when Superman showed up. “Don’t come any closer Superman.” I said. “Look at my shirt then look at the setting sun.”

“I knew you had nothing to do with Japan. It was robbing banks at sunset. You should be called the sunset burglar.”

“Run away Superman or I’ll shoot.”

“Crime has no place in my town.”

I decided to become a hero to the oppressed criminal element in Metropolis. I opened up fire and shot Superman in the head, groin and chest. He started approaching me.

“Damn Krytptonian physiology. I have no idea where to land a fatal shot.” I threw the gun away. “I’ll handle this with my fists!” I ran up to Superman.

“Wha?” said Superman.

“I know you’re powerless under a red sun!”

I hit him hard in the head and heard a large, “HA, HA, HA!” I guess it was some weird Kryptonian pain register because Superman fell on his back, continued to make the sound and gave me enough time to get away.

Nightfall came and that precious red sun was soon gone. I was parked in a building 5 miles away from the crime.

All of a sudden a whirlwind came, took the minivan and me to the police station and dropped the load off. The accursed police knew how to handle the situation.

Next time I will continue to attack Superman after that convulsive, “HA, HA, HA!” sound. Obviously he recovered completely when the red setting sun left and he regained his powers. Then he flew and quickly spotted me with his X-ray vision.

And even if I can’t figure out Kryptonian physiology on time to kill him, next time I’ll hide under lead so his X-ray vision will not sniff me out.

Metropolis, I have yet to do my worst.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet
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