Pairs Figure Skating: the Inevitable Changes

I object to the name of pairs figure skating as there is almost always a huge mismatch in heights of the male and female skaters. I’ve heard it said that at least a 6 inch difference in heights is necessary for the best performances. Almost under breath it is usually added that with greater than a foot difference in heights, the male will find it hard to lift the female without kneeling and thus ruining the performance.

But with huge pressures on performances, eventually the skating community will realize that the second point can be broken. The first way is for the much shorter female to artfully scale the male and thus put herself in position for the showpiece lifts. The second way is even easier to see. If the female is very much smaller than the male, he will be able to lift her with one hand. This avoids the awkward, only a foot mismatch in height.

So as the competition in pairs heats up, there will be non stop pressures for the male to be taller and stronger and the female to be shorter and lighter. Very soon pairs skating will be made up of some of the tallest males and some of the shortest females. Pairs skating might begin to draw the freak show fan.

Indeed, to accommodate the pressures, the human species might divide into two races like the Eloi and the Morlocks. Genes would split between the tall and the small. This might even lead to the Tall having females that could lift and skate with the Small males. There could be two categories of pairs figure skating. The normal kind and the new strong and tall female with the small light male partner.

Competition would create even bigger size differences. There might even be trio or quartet skating. That would be where a very tall male would want to skate with two or three very small females. One feature of such a competition might have the male juggling the females. Just as in a freak show juggler with knives, the danger would be in catching any of the ladies by the skate blades.

Eventually, the mismatch would be so great that while the gigantic male is skating, the palm of his hand will hold an ice cube upon with his ‘pair’ female will skate a routine. Camera crews will need one magnifying lensed camera trained on the female and a wide angle lensed camera trained on the male. Any judges would need to see both on a split screen to accurately judge.


Finally, the huge males would be too tall for arenas anywhere. At which point they would start storming towns and cities. Like Godzillas, they will destroy buildings in search of the most plentiful food of all, normal sized mankind. The small will escape the slaughter because they will be hard to see and capable of using mice hiding holes.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet. Now in the Fediverse as
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