Real Vampires Have Unkempt Hair

It’s almost taken for granted that vampires cast no reflection. Then why is it that they are represented as tidy, good looking characters in movies and books? Real vampires would have unkempt hair. Not tousled in a cute way like a boy band. They would not have playful locks like a beauty contestant that change the angles of her face depending how she holds her head. No, vampires would have unsightly hair, unsightly being used literally. Indeed, in some corners of the world it is thought that vampires cast no shadow as well, meaning their hair could flatten to their head or stick out in unseemly ways, all without them noticing.

Female vampires, trying to attract with that black lipstick, would instead scare you away. Sure she would have some idea where her lips were, but I suspect she would look like a little kid that had just eaten chocolate sauce out of a bowl using no spoon. Other makeup would also be problematic. I suspect vampires that wear mascara would make their eyes red and puffy from touching the mascara brush far too many times to their eyeball. And you try to get the smoky eye effect without being able to see what you are doing.

Let’s say our vampire did make it to a date with a potential victim. Then they got broccoli in their teeth. We all know how difficult this conversation is. “You have broccoli in your teeth.” They pick at their teeth at random. “No your left side.” They pick at their left side at random. “No, the bottom…” At this point usually the picker looks at their reflection in a spoon and all is right again for that date. But the reflectionless vampire will go on and on, needing progressively more accurate descriptions. “Your bicuspid (I can’t believe I remember that!).””No, your front bicuspid.” “The tip of your bicuspid.” “The front centre of your bicuspid.” “Finally!”

Imagine that same conversation with a booger. The vampire’s nose will be fully picked by the time the offending bit of snot has been found. Now try eating your meal. I didn’t think so.

Again, any food or dirt on the vampire’s face will not be easy to remove. Perhaps a still amorous date might wipe off the offensive bit with their own towelette. Then they will notice that red spot on the vampire’s collar.

“No, no, it’s not another lover’s lipstick. It’s just another victim’s bl-”. Date over.

Vampires are hardly the uber attractive people they’ve been portrayed as in fiction. So let’s stop making them sex symbols. They are simply grotesque.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet
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