How India Could Field the Next Olympic Gold Medal Winning Ice Hockey Team

This is intended as a guide to how India can become the best country in the world at the sport of ice hockey.

Firstly, India must struggle through the lower tiers of hockey since they would be just a beginner when it comes to ice hockey. If India could just manage to have a high calibre scorer I know that they could make it to Olympic gold.

But what skill should that star player need? Should he be the fastest player on the ice? Well he just needs the ability to skate passably. Would that player need to be the best stickhandler? No, but he should be okay at handling the puck. Should that player be a playmaker, always setting up his teammates? No, but it is necessary that he be able to receive an assist. This star player will be a puck hog.

I know this player sounds mediocre at best so what makes him outstanding? Look at what India does best. Would this star player be able to make a Taj Mahal? No. Would he have intimate knowledge of the ins and outs of computer programming? No. Would he be able to speak English like a true American and be able to do this in a call center? No. Would he have twenty-five foot fingernails on his hands? Why, yes, that is the hard to find skill that this player must have.

In the lower tiers of hockey, India might be able to get away with a small lie. The could say that their star player had rich parents. After all who else would be able to get away with growing their fingernails so long? Anyhow, those rich parents would indulge their child in any way they could. So any scratches or cuts appearing on their son’s fingernails would be taboo. It is rumoured that they will pay for a lethal hit on whoever checks their baby.

So India will make it to the higher echelons of hockey with their lie. There the lie will no longer work as it is only rich countries that can afford to get to the upper echelons of hockey.

These richer hockey players will at first be doubtful about fingernails. After all, who wants to check this star player and end up enveloped by those fingernails. This works for a while until the rich countries’ coaches begin demanding that his players check the Indian star.

The wise Indian coach knows by the expressions and gritted teeth that the rich countries’ coaches have given this order. It is then that he brings out his megaphone and says for all to hear, “Our star player should never be checked since as well as the checker becoming enveloped by those fingernails, they will also have to imagine how he ate and blew his nose and, yes, wiped his butt all these years.”

The Indian dominance in hockey will only last so long. After years of effort, the rich countries will manage to field a team of men, all of whom have twenty-five foot long fingernails.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet. Now in the Fediverse as
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