The Flatulator

Are you tired of your present love interest and wish to drive her away? The answer might be the flatulator. Are you immune to beans but want to keep up with your friends in the inevitable fart off? The flatulator can help. Do you wish to clear a crowded area? The flatulator might help you there as well.

The first thing about the flatulator is that it must be much smaller than a whoopie cushion because you don’t want others to know that you are faking flatulence. Yes, you will have to put it in your underwear to not allow people to know that you are faking it.

It should have a hose up to your hand where the squishable bulb that powers it can be triggered. You will have to hide this device from onlookers and most especially your intended victims.

And most importantly it should give off a vile scent – but not always. The spray that can be used should go off randomly but you should be able to select the randomness. It should be triggered between 1 out of 10 times and 9 out of 10 times. Thus you, the person who dealt it, won’t know if it has released it’s noxious scent or not. Farting just isn’t fun unless there is some form of Russian roulette with it.

Now that you have almost full control you can amuse your friends by farting in Morse code. Give people food that makes their faces scrunch up – like hot peppers or pickled anything. Then, when their faces are at maximum scrunch, release the “fart”. Sure some people might realize it’s you but most will blame the face scruncher.

Do you feel lucky? Set the randomness to 9 out of 10 smelly farts. I bet that spray is flammable. Just make sure the spray isn’t under pressure before doing this. Then, try to burn your farts with a lighter. It’ll look like a fart burn because everything flammable with that much surface area via atomizing is going to burn very quickly.

What if the top three reasons for getting the flatulator don’t work? What if your ongoing farts fail to drive away that annoying love interest. Well, if they can accept you with your farts then that means they will accept more annoying traits. Perhaps your relationship just needed to give you space to be yourself. Maybe she will accept you with all your other bad qualities, too.

You should now be the champion of bean night. No one will be able to fart as frequently as you do. If your friends deem stinky farts as somehow more manly, a 9 out of 10 success rate might work for you. Or if your friends prefer their atonal music without a scent, a 1 out of 10 stinky fart rate might be more in order.

And if your flatulator does not clear out a crowded area then I must remind you not to use it in an elevator.

The flatulator. Sold where all fine high tech whoopie cushions are available.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet
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