Recently I saw something so shocking, so surprising, so mortifying that I’m not even sure if I have healed to this very day. But I will try to get this out to the rest of the public to see what they think. A tampon commercial featured a red liquid to show just how much it absorbed.
I know that half of you are right now passed out on the floor. I will wait as you slowly come back to your senses and off the floor and back to your seats. Yes the colour barrier has finally been broken in tampon commercials. It used to be that tampon commercials exclusively used blue liquids. But that simpler time is looking to become a distant memory.
Some prepubescent girls are going to figure that the red liquid is a stand in for blood. To save polite society we are going to have to do some mental gymnastics.
Mothers can tell their prepubescent daughters that, “The red liquid is actually a stand in for red wine. You see, tampons are for soaking up all that spilled wine that inebriated people slosh around so willy nilly everywhere. And it stains. Oh my does it stain. So it’s a good thing that tampons absorb liquid so well.”
Sure there might be those awkward moments like when the mother starts drinking red wine. “Oh Mommy,” the prepubescent daughter will say, “Shouldn’t you have your tampon at the ready. It’s not called sloshed for no reason.”
“Yes. Fetch me two tampons, one for me and one for my boyfriend.”
“I’m a man! I don’t need tampons.”
“Which is why women always have to buy them. Men are just in denial.”
Girls in puberty will abuse the lies and use tampons as an excuse for underage drinking. “I need tampons, Mom, so pick up some nice red wine to go with them.”
The lies will get so bad that there will be a “Make Canada Great Again” movement to get things back to where they were. “Take the red out of Canada” will be the slogan. Someone will take the red out of the Canadian flag and will end up with a surrender white flag.
Someone else will replace the red with blue and we will end up with a barred, Toronto Maple Leaf flag. The Toronto Maple Leafs are such a crime against nature that they have the unnatural blue maple leaf as their symbol.
There will be so much chaos that I bet we will go back to blue liquid in tampon commercials.
Then we could say if the blue represents blood it will be for blue blooded royalty. So the women who use tampons are princesses and queens. If they don’t feel like princesses and queens for using tampons, that is just their humility shining through.
