You’ve probably already heard of the mobile naked scanners, that can see you naked on the street the same way the controversial airport scanners can see you naked.
But, thankfully, much thought will be put into each scanner’s crew. Different specialties will be put into different scanners depending on need. We expect things to play out in the following way:
Men’s crew with a token lesbian just in case a real pat down is necessary. Expect to find this crew at all feminist and women power events. That is of course this crew’s specialty. Since of course they are the truest of feminists and believe in empowering women so much.
Women’s crew with a token gay just in case a real pat down is necessary. Expect to find this crew at sporting events and hard rock concerts. Eventually this crew will weed out the chaff so the hard rock concerts will feature young acts (with young fans) and beer swilling sports fans with pot bellies will of course be assumed innocent enabling the crew to focus on the true agitators.
The youth oriented crews will first try to target schools. When finally it has been explained to them (multiple times!) that teachers are required to have background checks and other adults are required to sign in and are watched, they will move on. These crews will move on to BMX rallies and concerts by such artists as the Wanted, One Direction and Justin Bieber. It might even be found out that a fraction of these crews go on to offences against underage children. That will of course be an unfortunate coincidence.
After some years of these scanners, it will be found that those people considered to be traditionally very attractive, will have a higher incidence of cancer. This, too, will be just an unfortunate coincidence.
So insist your government buys plenty of these x-ray machines. Who knows, maybe the love of your life just needs to have a government job and needs to see you naked first before asking you out. Don’t worry, the sight of all those other naked people won’t have a detrimental effect on your relationship.
As for all you teenage boys wishing to sign up for one of the jobs: at times you will be forced to examine middle age men (and older) with pot bellies and comb overs, just because a tip came in that they have a bomb strapped to their genitals. Yes indeed, mobile scanners will scar everyone.
