Guardian Caps

Posted on 24 August 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Guardian caps are now allowed in games in the Canadian Football League as well as games in the National Football League. And they look ridiculous.

These caps are another layer of protection over the helmet of football players. With this extra layer, heads look disproportionately big for the bodies they are on. They look funny and the only reason they are being talked about is because they lessen the risk of concussion in sport.

So they have a serious purpose. But that’s not going to stop the mocking. Remember Elaine Benes being called big head by a guy she broke up with? “It’s almost a compliment,” she said at first till events made her reconsider. All those insults are going to be used on the players starting this trend of safety.

I can hear it now. “Top heavy!” “Humpty Dumpty!” “Bubba Bulbous!” Then there will be the newfound excuse for the opposing team. “ I couldn’t see the play properly with his big, bulbous head in the way!”

All of this will be thrown at the trendsetters. And this will indeed be a trend. Every concussion that happens, the players will think, I might have avoided this. And in another era we got used to the presence of helmets. Certainly we can get used to something extra that also prevents injuries.

Right now the aliens are turning their noses up at us. They will ask, “If they can’t get used to big heads and small bodies on their own people, how will they ever accept us?” They will telepath this to all within range.

So if you’re not into disproportionate features, you’re just not ready to accept aliens just yet. So quit expecting them to reveal themselves. Especially while we still war amongst each other.

As for the birds, there will be the odd one that will fly right into the guardian caps almost as if it were so big they couldn’t avoid it. Like there was no possibility of any other outcome.

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Selective Breeding

Posted on 17 August 2024 by Larry Russwurm

When it’s not being used to make the snouts of collies even more anteater like, selective breeding can be a powerful thing.

Unconsciously we can see it being done when actors marry actors, sports heroes marry sports heroes, musicians marry musicians, etc. Of course we will have to live lifetimes to see how it affects these areas of human achievement. As well, we will have to correct for the nepo baby effect. In other words, the influence of their parents in being hired initially, or more easily.

I’d like to start a selective breeding program, myself, in an effort to improve the human race in a way that I find to be advantageous.

I believe we should breed for transparent eyelids. It is possible to see through my eyelids if it is bright or dark where I am. I can see a little light when I am in the sun, through my eyelids. Even bright indoor lights are detectable through my eyelids.

Other people may have the ability to know what direction the light is in that they are detecting through their eyelids.

I say we take the best of these people at seeing light with their eyes closed and knowing where the light is coming from and breed them. It might take many generations but at minimum we will have bred for a thinner eyelid from these people. At best their eyelids may be transparent.

If their eyelids get transparent, think of the benefits. They could look during a sandstorm/ snowstorm. They could keep their eyelids shut tight to avoid illness being circulated through their eyes ( they wouldn’t need the covid screen then). They’d be harder to kill in their sleep because they could still see a would be assassin while snoring away. They could swim in chlorinated water with their eyes not being bothered.

A potential drawback is that to sleep they might need an eye mask. But eye masks are cheap and easy to rig up if none are available.

I think it would be worth it to selective breed for this type of human. But if we did, would the results be called evolution? How about mevolution​ Or ievolution? I prefer this last one because it is all about the i’s, but Apple might try to sue.

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Extra Medals Everywhere

Posted on 10 August 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Until this Olympics, I was unaware that two bronze medals were handed out in each boxing weight group. I think this is a bit unfair to other sports.

The reasoning is that boxers get hurt more than those in other sports. With the four semi-finalists, the losers of the first bout would fight the next day if it were another sport. The winners would fight in two days for the gold and the silver. Thus there is extra time to recover for the gold and silver medalists.

I think this is just a naked medal grab by the boxing arm of the Olympics. You could have the losers box at the exact same time as the gold medal match. There is no rule saying that this couldn’t happen. Or, you could have the bronze medal match after the gold medal match.

So I say there should be two bronze medals in every sport if this kind of loosey goosey attitude toward bronze medals keeps up. For events that decide a 3rd place and 4th place easily, just put a 3 on one of the two bronze medals and give it to the 3rd place finisher.

Indeed let’s look at boxing even more. There are 13 weight classes (7 mens, 6 womens). Why can’t 13 medals be available for team sports, for instance. Perhaps in hockey, you could give an award (gold, silver and bronze) for the best player from each position. Soccer may be the most bloated sport, with 11 positions, hockey would have 6, baseball 9, and basketball 5.

Speaking of beat up, we could add American football to the mix. This sport is largely not played internationally, despite an almost identical game played in Canada. It’s traditional to let the teams have 1 week to recover between games. As such, only three games could be played by each team during the time of the Olympics, meaning that only six nations could compete. The first game could eliminate the worst two losers. For the second game, the biggest winner would go against the best loser and the other two winners could go against each other. The combined results would let it be decided who is in the gold medal game and who is in the bronze medal game. American Football would have the most positions, 22. Which would lead to the most medals of any sport if I were to have my way.

Then, maybe with all these medals for team sports, you could get rid of 3 on 3 basketball. But wait a second. I am about giving out the most medals possible. Let’s have 3 on 3 football, soccer, hockey and baseball as well!

Of course the boxers may just threaten the rest of us if boxing doesn’t get an extra medal than the rest. Indeed, they might also threaten us with the judo, wrestling and taekwondo competitors who also get a double bronze. But there are many more athletes that don’t get the extra bronze. The others can take them due to numbers. More medals for everyone!

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The Chore of Voting

Posted on 3 August 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Finally! A politician who finally gets us! Donald Trump has finally offered conservative Christians the idea that they will never have to vote again.

Presumably, policy in the future will probably be pro Christian. But I don’t know how he could possibly speak for other parties. Unless, of course, if those other parties could never be voted in again. But even so, the call of never having to vote again is loud.

Imagine the following Utopia. You never again have to watch stupid politicians playing stupid politician games. A lot of the news you could now ignore.

And, the icing on the top of the cake is you never have to go out, once every 4 years for a 10 minute wait to vote at your local town hall. You never have to prove your identity for the intrusive workers at the polls, again. You can laugh at others bitching that it took them 2 hours of waiting in line just to vote for their favourite lefty. Or you can laugh it off if the exit polls don’t match the “real” polls.

Soon your favourite or only preacher will not have to tell you how a good Christian should vote. That will already be taken into account. You will not have to hear a sermon muddied with politics ever again.

But most importantly, once every 4 years, you will not have to do one more errand that might take you half an hour, all told.

The only unfortunate thing about this offer is that you will have to show up to vote one last time. If only Trump would somehow skip this last step.

But wait a second. Trump is so smart he managed to figure out how to do this, too? Conservative Christians don’t have to vote at all in the next election? And some called this brilliant man senile! He’s figured it all out. Conservative Christians don’t need to vote in this upcoming election, then.

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Running Out of Steam

Posted on 27 July 2024 by Larry Russwurm

It’s slowly happening. I am running out of humour ideas. Don’t forget, I have to riff on an idea for a whole page or so. Or, if I’m doing a grab bag o’ humour, I have to have a lot of little ideas.

I’ve used up a lot of steam thus far. I am at post # 908. In other words, I have more posts than there are episodes of the Simpsons. That’s a lot of jokes. So I am seriously thinking of stopping once I reach 1000 posts.

So for the second week in a row I don’t have a humour post. I’ll live, you’ll live, but we may have to find our humour elsewhere after post 1000. As well as for this week.

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July Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 13 July 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Giant hogweed had a nicer name when it was first exported to North America from Asia. It was supposed to be a nice, big, decorative plant. Oh, the folly of our ancestors! It spread easily and it quite earned the name of giant hogweed.

This plant’s sap is on the outside of its stem and can cause painful burns and scarring. Because the sap reacts to the UV light in sunlight, you are recommended to cover the exposed area from the sun and wash the site with soap and water immediately. Sensitivity to sunlight can last years.

Giant hogweed is indeed a giant hog that is also a weed. I vote that we call the initial importers of this noxious plant, giant hogs, too.

*

You just knew the Canadian men’s soccer team’s attempt to win the Copa America was going to be Messi. Their very first game was against the number one seed Argentina with their star player, Lionel Messi. They lost that game 2-0.

They then beat Peru 1-0 and tied Chile 0-0 which was enough to get them into the playoffs. They won their first playoff game on penalty kicks against Venezuela. Then they lost to Argentina, again, 2-0. It was Messi. He got one goal which was enough to beat Canada.

So now they play Uruguay to decide if they are the 3rd or 4th place team. Either way, that’s higher than Canada was supposed to get anyway. Good for team Canada.

*

Baby boomers love to whine about Gen Z and Millennial participation trophies. They whine so much about it that you just know they secretly wanted these themselves.

And now I shall present proof of this. In the mid 70s there was a band called Hot Chocolate who had a hit with the song “Everyone’s a Winner”. This is a prime baby boomer era song. Baby boomers loved this song so much that they literally bought it. This was a boomer’s version of a participation trophy.

Besides, who were the people who first gave out the participation trophies to Millennials and Gen Z?Teachers at their school must have. And usually these teachers are a generation or two older than the students. That’s right boomers, I’m blaming you for the participation trophies in the first place.

What would the Greatest Generation say?

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Help From Beyond the Grave

Posted on 6 July 2024 by Larry Russwurm

When I first began writing regularly, many years ago, I used to play my favourite songs to get me in the right frame of mind to tell stories. Initially, it did get me going for my first painful years of not so good stories. But eventually, I don’t remember exactly when, I began writing without my music muses and did this for a number of years, as well.

But recently I heard from somewhere else that music with lyrics can be disruptive for the writing process. Basically the argument goes, you are taking in words and outputting different words. Surely the one can distract from the other. It might even trip up a good logic progression in a story.

Maybe unconsciously I knew this and that is why I drifted to a no writing while listening to music policy. But thinking about it rationally, now, there is a possible solution that has the best of both worlds. I could write while listening to instrumentals. This way I would have no interruption of my chain of thought but might still keep the boost of having music on.

But what instrumentals would I use? Like most people, I think, I knew of very little music I liked that was instrumental. You see I like giving my full attention to music. That’s why I like lyrics and singing. They capture my attention because every singer seems unique and lyrics can drift into all sorts of territories. Oh, the odd instrumental I like, mainly from guitar or keyboard. I like them when these instruments change a lot and can be used as both a chord and lead instrument. But even with these, I find my interest waning after about 3 minutes.

I think it’s because in the vast majority of cases, I fully listen to music and want the piece to be really captivating. However, when I write, I’m incapable of fully listening to the piece. Thus I could listen much longer to a less complicated tune. So I thought for a second and realized what I wanted was albums of instrumentals for my writing. I didn’t have to look far.

You see, Stephen Huss was my best friend when he died. Known to many as the first keyboardist for the dark synth pop band, Psyche. He had left Psyche before I knew him. Indeed he already had a couple of instrumental solo albums out when I knew him.

A few months before his death, he said that he had made 3 albums worth of material when he was only supposed to make one. When he died I thought this material was a blessing. His brother, Darrin, still in Psyche, put out the albums on successive anniversaries of his death.

So now I have quite a few solo albums from Stephen that I can play as the soundtrack to my writing. Right now I am playing Notes of a Lifetime as a write this.

Stephen was also into the horror genre of films and books. Although he may be sad that his life had to end so soon, I imagine him having a slight smile on his face that his music still inspires my writing from beyond the grave.

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June 2024 Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 29 June 2024 by Larry Russwurm

The Professional Women’s Hockey League (the PWHL) has as it’s championship trophy, the Walter Cup. I have to question the name of said cup.

It’s not as if I like telling women what to do (Indeed I don’t like doing it – I instead love doing it!), it’s just that Walter has always been a man’s first name to my knowledge. After I heard about Walter as a first name, I heard about Walters as a last name. Only because of this cup did I learn that Walter could be a last name.

I bet there are many people like me who thought at first that the PWHL was honouring a man. On what should primarily be a woman’s stage. I say take the money from the Walter family, but name the cup something else. How about using a feminine name?

*

Maybe they were just running out of ideas for names when they colonized Texas, but a lot of the names for their settlements were taken from people’s names. There’s Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, Austin and Fort Worth among others. These are just some of the biggest and most important places.

Why is there such lack of imagination among Texans when it comes to naming their settlements? Well you may have heard that everything is bigger in Texas? How about the men. Like Austin. He’s so big and so strong that he’s the equivalent of 2 million 273 thousand people. Or don’t fight Jeff Houston. It’ll be like fighting 6 million 800 thousand people at once.

Well there it is. Perhaps Texans have good imaginations, after all.

*

When a road splits, it is said there is a fork in the road. But I think the word fork comes from 4k, meaning there should be four tines. Most times there is not a splitting off into four roads from one road. So instead of calling it a fork in the road, I propose one road splitting in two be called a Y in the road.

If the road splits up into three we could call it a trident. If there are more than 4 tines or directions, we could call it a comb. All these rules should be used for any relevant splits. So you would have a tuning Y, and you would speak with a Yd tongue.

Let’s make forks make sense!

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How Pure Are Your Virgins and Extra-Virgins?

Posted on 22 June 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Olive oil is becoming scarce because of a drought in Spain, one of the major producers of this oil. Before this, there were already fake olive oils floating around. With scarcity, this means that there is probably even more fake olive oils around. By fake, I mean dilutions or mixtures. You may be getting some olive oil, enough to trick you, but not enough to be pure.

As well, due to the popularity of the Mediterranean diet, which olive oil is a major part of, demand for olive oil has only increased. The US is becoming a major producer of olive oil, too. But they can only expand so fast in production as olives require a few years for their trees to grow. This causes more pressure to make fake olive oils.

What makes the Mediterranean diet so popular is that it may extend life. Some people who live in the Mediterranean are in blue zones. That is they routinely live to the age of 100 or longer. Olive oil is considered to be one of the secrets that makes this possible.

But with all the fake olive oil, maybe all these new converts to the Mediterranean diet might not see benefits to their dietary change. They may only live to their 70s and possibly 80s because there were so many fake olive oils available.

Indeed, those blue zones in the Mediterranean may suffer so much from erratic supply of olive oil, that they themselves could be kicked out of the blue zone club. Many might die in their 70s and 80s, just like the rest of us. All because the rest of us found out their secret and also because of drought.

If a blue zone disappears, does that mean that people will stop looking to them for tips to live old? So maybe the Mediterranean diet, and its chosen olive oil, will disappear from the literature in how to extend your life. Maybe the US olive tree plantations (orchards?) will disappear. Then 100 years from now a strange blue zone will reappear in the Mediterranean.

You might think that by paying the most for your olive oil will ensure its purity. But the scammers know this, too, and might simply raise the price of their fake olive oil offerings. At this point, it seems like we are at the mercy of the olive oil companies. Who could all make a lot more money by compromising quality so much that they aren’t even selling what they say they are selling. Isn’t capitalism great?

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Turning Off the News

Posted on 15 June 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Many times I’ve heard from people that they had stopped watching or reading the news. What stops these people from keeping up with current events? Inevitably it is the same reason. They don’t like watching something that is so negative. The scary, depressing bent of the news is why they feel they must turn it off and do something different.

I’ve been thinking of turning off the news for an entirely different reason. It’s because of the obvious, horrible puns they put in news stories. It just offends my comic nature. Not only do they come up with every obvious pun, but they also seem way too pleased with their work. I can’t stand it. The only way this will change is if the entire news industry changes. Barring that, I feel I must go on strike against the news as it is.

Not only do they come up with these obvious puns, but they race to get the story first so they can be the first to make these horrible puns. Remember Lois Lane? She risked her life every month or so, causing Superman to have to rescue her, all so she could get the scoop. Why was the scoop so prized? Well there were two reasons. One reason was she would get the esteem of her colleagues. But the second reason was so she could share her horrible puns with the rest of the world.

What causes otherwise perfectly good reporters to push their puns on an unsuspecting public? Well it’s because they keep hearing that the news is so negative. It’s too scary and depressing to many people. So the reporter hears what they want to hear. They think that a few horrible puns will lighten the mood and not turn off so many people.

But instead of this being a full solution to the problem, they have managed to push me away. Myself, a person who can handle the negativeness of the news, gets turned away by the horrible puns. I know that the reporters aren’t going to change. So the only alternative I have is to ignore the news from now on. My comedic sensibility can’t take it anymore.

So if you have a news story you are excited to tell someone, you are welcome to tell me. It will be news to my ears. But if you repeat the puns of the news story, too, I will instead ignore you. And please, don’t make up your own puns when you try to tell me all about it. Ask Lois Lane. You haven’t earned that right.

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