To my mind, my namesake, science fiction writer Larry Niven, is the king of science fiction ideas. Not only are some of his ideas great, but he has a large amount of them.
In the short story, “What Can You Say About Chocolate Covered Manholes?” he offers many ideas purported to be from the same character. The character (we are told) is usually a hit at parties with his interesting conjectures. But we are also told about one of his ideas that fell flat. That would be the chocolate covered manholes that the story is named for.
I haven’t read this story in 25 years but still remember one of the so called gems. That was where instead of strapping blades on your feet and skating on ice, you could instead make a “track” of metal blades and strap blocks of ice to your feet and thus skate in a reverse way. Twenty-five years later I began thinking this idea through. I imagined things I’d like to share with you.
Firstly, I think that a single blade track for your foot’s ice block would be too hard to balance on. Instead, I suggest you make each blade track be doubled up a few inches apart. I can actually see someone skating like this.
Secondly, to stop quickly, like a hockey player, I think you would need to put many blades perpendicular to your skating tracks. Stopping like this would allow you places to rest in the dangerous business of reverse skating.
Now I don’t know enough of the mechanics of figure skating to know how anyone could do turns and jumps – I’ll leave this for the readers that might know. Instead, I will point out that falls are very dangerous on this course and almost certainly going to happen while the reverse skater is learning.
So instead of our guinea pig being seriously injured in her first attempt(s) at skating, I suggest making a protecting suit out of (what else?) – ice.
One solid piece of ice would make movement of our skater impossible, so, there will have to be pieces that might fit together like a suit of armour. Hopefully when our guinea pig wipes out, her suit will be complete enough that ice hits the blades and not her soft flesh. She will, after a fall, slip for a distance but not too far. Getting back up when you are in a suit of ice I leave for my intelligent readers.
Some of you have likely guessed my next tack. Instead of a suit of ice, how about using a suit of armour? You need to still have the blocks of ice on your feet to skate. But this way falling wouldn’t be deadly. Suits of armour are, however, heavy. Our guinea pig might only skate in short bursts and is unlikely to do any graceful jumps with any height.
With every fall will come the sound of steel on steel. And without slipping, each fall might likely result in injury.
So let me just say it. Humans are just too fragile to do this type of skating so let’s make our skaters AI robots. Here’s a way for AIs to enter the sports industry without putting any actual humans out of work. I imagine humans would be interested in watching and setting up the blade tracks in an arena. Why not? Humans watch RCs battle it out under the name of robots. In reverse skating, the robots may even survive the competition.
There is much to discuss in Niven’s throwaway idea. He even identified it as such. Now if that isn’t proof that he is king of the science fiction idea, I don’t know what is.
We Interview Some of the Ford Government’s New Appointees
LR: Fox Ford, you’ve been chosen as the province’s official chicken inspector. Is there anything you’d like to say to our readers?
FF: Not really. But I’m curious. If I were to, say, reject some meat where would they dispose of it?
LR: I’m not sure. Through proper procedures, I’m sure.
FF: What if I were to offer to take it off their hands. Free and clear. No disposal costs at all for them. Might that save them some money?
LR: Do you not understand how an interview works? I’m supposed to ask the questions.
Now, do you have any direction where you might take food inspection?
FF: I was thinking that really, can’t you tell if meat is good or bad at the farm first? Sorry about that question – it was rhetorical. I’ve always been able to size up a chicken and decide if it was good or bad while it was still alive. My stomach can attest to my 100% accuracy. Anyhow, I think we can move the inspection system to the farms for freshness. The system might be able to save on slaughtering costs as well. Just thinking aloud.
LR: My, Fox Ford, I just can’t seem to look away from your pointy face and red hair. And you look like you’re drowning in that suit.
FF: Do you have something you’re trying to tell me?
LR: There’s the questions again. Just thinking aloud. Like you did. If we’re off on the wrong foot just go.
Fox Ford leaves the interview.
*
LR: Now Sinbad Baddie, you’re the new pot czar for Ontario. May I ask, how do you know the Ford family?
SB: I’m entirely qualified to be pot czar. I used to supply drugs to Ontarians.
LR: Was that crack? And was it to the Ford family?
SB: I object to this line of questioning. You’re just assuming the worst because of my name. Well let me assure you that it is a double negative which is a positive.
LR: It’s a triple negative which is a negative.
SB: Agree to disagree.
LR: Alright. The government way underestimated the potential pot market and there are shortages everywhere province wide. Is that because someone in government asked their dealer and the dealer lied in order to enrich themselves.
SB: I object to this line of questioning, too. Are you trying to out me as a dealer or as a member of government. I can’t decide which.
LR: I am trying to out you both ways.
SB: Now I know why people in politics always use that handy “No comment” answer. No comment.
LR: Do you have anything else the public might want to know?
SB: No comment.
*
LR: Digby Runes, may I just say how glad I am to meet the appointee in charge of manufacturing and industry. I am pleased to say you are not a Ford or a known friend of the Fords.
DR: Yes, yes. I am happy to be here.
LR: You must be an expert in your field to be chosen for this.
DR: Quite right. I have been in middle management in the manufacturing field for years.
LR: Middle management? They could have promoted almost anyone from that. Why you?
DR: I think I bring skills they needed.
LR: Like what?
DR: Like my total commitment to the job. No matter what they want I will try, try, try to make it happen.
LR: So your skill is you try at your job?
DR: Yes, yes.
LR: Digby Runes, are you a Yes man?
DR: Yes, yes. Quite, quite.
LR: As a Yes man, what do you see as your most important goal?
DR: With GM abandoning part of Ontario and Chrysler still being uncompetitive I see an opening with cars for this to be Ford Nation.
LR: Ontario’s not a nation, Canada is.
DR: Things change.
LR: And Ford is getting out of making any cars. It would be more like Honda nation.
DR: SUVs, then. Still Ford Nation.
LR: Doesn’t that sound like a stupid plan to you?
DR: Yes, this interview is over.