The Racist Party

Posted on 1 September 2012 by Larry Russwurm

During Ontario’s last election, I picked on one of the big parties for being “the party of the intolerant”. This was my first humourless post, I was that serious about the allegation. You see, every election cycle it seems that that party (The Progressive Conservative Party) always ends up having a scandal centred around a party member’s extreme intolerance.

Always the party apologizes. But the story made the news. Enough so that bigots everywhere might decide that this is their party. If it didn’t happen each election I might not mind. I think it happens every election for a reason. The Progressive Conservative Party wants the bigot vote.

Apparently this is also true in the United States. Which is the party I say represents the bigot vote? If you know much about US politics you have already answered in your head.

I’ll give you a hint. It is the party that at a recent convention had a couple attendees throw nuts at a black camera woman and say, “this is how we feed animals”. If you’ve already followed the link you have found it was Republican Party attendees who did this.

I believe the true intent of the Republicans is to court the racist vote. Only problem is that this is the stupidest election to do it in.

The Democrat candidate is of course Barack Obama and he is half black. In a two party system, the Republicans will already have the racist vote.

If this is a strategem of the Republicans, it only rubs salt into all the intolerance wounds. This will only anger the reasoning undecided. Maybe this time the Republicans have chosen to live or die by the intolerance flag.

If Republicans don’t like my pointing fingers than perhaps they could use a little more self control or could police themselves better.

So why does it always seem that it’s the right wing party that’s intolerant?

And I realize the irony that by pointing this out, I might be helping the Republican Party to court the bigot vote. It’s a risk I’m willing to take as I’m pointing this out from Canada.

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We Not Only Bred With Neanderthals, We Wiped Them Out

Posted on 29 August 2012 by Larry Russwurm

[Added March 10, 2014: By “we” I mean Caucasians and Asians. I’ve also misused the term humans when meaning just Caucasians and Asians. I hope this makes it clearer.]

I came to this story of Neanderthals by way of a link which said something like its title, maybe “Humans and Neanderthals didn’t breed” without the quotes. It sounded so sure. Like we now know with certainty that humans and Neanderthals have never bred despite sharing the old world for hundreds of thousands of years. But only here will you read what the study authors hope. That humans and Neanderthals never had sex with each other, ever.

Other studies have said Caucasians and Asians share certain DNA that is believed to be from Neanderthals and this DNA just doesn’t exist in the African population. Humans are from Africa, so when they expanded into Eurasia, proximity suggests that certain DNA came from the Eurasian Neanderthal.

The linked to “study” and “theory” suggests that the divergence happened in a split Africa. Humans were already divided in Africa for hundreds of thousands of years and the northern ones eventually colonized Eurasia, not once breeding with Neanderthals. Their “non African” genes appeared before meeting Neanderthals. And later, all of the Eurasian humans were erased from Africa.

Obviously breeding with Neanderthals is a simpler theory. The two Africas approach is more twisted and less likely to be true. I certainly believe we bred with Neanderthals. Must I foist the guy who makes love to his car and other men who do the same with life size dolls, all who had recent appearances on the show Anderson? Human/Neanderthal breeding seems so sensible when put on this truer range of human sexuality.

Also to drive home the point that this “study” is all about cleaning up the reputations of humans, the article mentions in the last two paragraphs that humans split from Neanderthals earlier than thought and humans split from chimpanzees earlier than thought, too. Yay! We have less monkey blood and less caveman blood than previously thought.

As for the idea that humans deliberately wiped out Neanderthals, I’ve said it before. There were no fewer than 4 genocides last century amongst groups that are far closer than humans and Neanderthals.

That’s right, we did the old sex and violence thing with the Neanderthals. The familiarity of the phrase “sex and violence” only makes a stronger case.

Postscript. I used the term humans when describing us because I read somewhere many years ago that humans are Homo Sapiens Sapiens and Neanderthals are Homo Sapiens Neanderthalis. Maybe the names have changed over the years and depending what side is championing what. The article I linked to uses H. Sapiens to mean humans which I think could be confusing. And look at the way they hide from spelling out Homo. I could so get into analyzing the twisted minds that wrote this article and the study.

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One in the Can

Posted on 25 August 2012 by Larry Russwurm

It happens all the time. A big name star dies and then of course magically (it seems) they have one more film or album “in the can”.

Whitney Houston died recently. Of course Sparkle came out after her death. I bet the movie studio slapped themselves on the back for managing this one. Presumably they made more money than expected because Houston graced the screen for one last time here.

But it happens all the time to actors and celebrities that die prematurely. Heath Ledger died quite unexpectedly and tadah, The Dark Knight manages to be finished without him still being alive. Critics heaped praise on Ledger’s performance and no surprise, The Dark Knight made money hand over fist.

And of course mega star Michael Jackson just happened to have the album Michael able to be released after his death. And just to prove what a money making machine he was, the Immortal tour which is kind of a singing show of Micheal Jackson’s songs and kind of a Cirque du Soleil touring monstrosity, is still touring around making much money for Jackson’s estate.

If I were a big star I would superstitiously make sure every appearance I made and every song I’d performed had been released as soon as possible. Having “one in the can” seems to be a way to court death.

And just think how much money it means to the studio or label to be able to release one or two movies or albums. Certain celebrities might be considered to be worth more dead than alive. It might be frowned upon but the studio or label might actually do the calculation. What happens if the numbers stack up to them in such a way they think the celebrity is worth more dead?

The studios/labels have been careful up to this point. Usually there is a story behind the death that gets agreed upon that keeps suspicion away from them. Do they perform “drive by druggings”? Maybe they are much more subtle and do intensive psychological testing on the celebrity and then introduce them to an undesirable that might bring about their death.

So it’s just simplest to never have anything “in the can”. That always points the calculation away from killing the celebrity. That’s what I’d always do if I were a big star.

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What Assange Needs Now is a Magician

Posted on 22 August 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Preferably Assange needs a real magician with a specialty in teleportation. But I, like most of you, have heard that all magicians are quacks so this ideal situation may never come to pass. Alright then, unleash the stage magicians.

Stage magicians are said to be masters of misdirection. Master manipulators to the core, they allow us to think that perhaps so and so did vanish, perhaps so and so did get teleported. Well in Assange’s case the appearance of teleportation might be just as good.

I can imagine that magician’s arrival to much fanfare (actually protesters and riot police doing their thing). Perhaps the magician will have a trailer from a large truck which will be parked on the Ecuadorian embassy lawn. On the trailer will be the magician’s set.

Perhaps the magician will ask Assange to step onto the trailer. Perhaps the magician will ask Assange to step into a box that will be closed. Maybe that will be the last anyone sees of Assange on British (or Embassy to British) soil.

Now I have quite an imagination. I see 20 holograms of Julian Assange, each turning on for a few seconds till the police realize they haven’t got their man.

I imagine 20 Assange doppelgangers each bravely showing up at this time. They will each deny they are the real Julian Assange but it will take police manpower and fingerprinting to prove it. I say brave doppelgangers because who knows how long the police will hold these men out of spite.

I imagine 20 cars all taking off from the scene, after Assange’s disappearance but before the police can shut down the roads in the area.

Any magician capable of pulling off this stunt successfully will be instantly worldwide famous. The risks might be many but the payoffs will be many as well. Step aside Criss Angel, the world wants its real mindfreak.

And perhaps all this isn’t completely necessary. Perhaps one well placed doppelganger in Ecuador, with seeming control over Wikileaks would be enough. Do you really think this double will allow himself to be fingerprinted or have his retina scanned? Not likely. Pressure would build on the UK police, not to squander so many huge resources near the Ecuadorian embassy when obviously Assange had escaped. Perhaps then, the fiction would become reality.

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Months Long Vampire Party

Posted on 18 August 2012 by Larry Russwurm

The months long vampire party should just be winding down at the South Pole. The vampires had thrown off the shackles of the daylight cycle and escaped past the Antarctic Circle for the months of permanent darkness. So freeing was this that they partied at will. How many penguins lost their lives to the vampire bloodlust? How many Antarctica researchers fell to the vampires’ need to feed?

Some may say that the vampires can’t stand the cold. But I say creatures that can kill intelligent, feeling prey willingly and often, know something about cold.

Indeed, I doubt that even one of those wintering Antarctica researchers will remain untouched. A second reason for us humans to not winter in Antarctica.

But the sun approaches and at the equinox not even the South Pole itself will remain free of daylight. Those creatures of the night will have to again deal with the tyranny of the day/night cycle.

But not so long from now, the Arctic will turn into permanight for its few months.

The vampires can feast on caribou, wolf , even polar bear. But far more satisfying will be the Inuit peoples.

The northern vampire party will not be able to last as long in a few years as it is expected the winter ice will only last a decade or so longer. Land in the north does not reach the north pole, so Greenland and other northern islands will be the best that partying future vampires will be able to do. Still I imagine there will always be some form of a northern months long vampire party.

Maybe the vampires will be after my head for alerting readers to their habits. But I have my own trick.

I will lay in wait in my lair with many panels of mirrors and my trusty wooden stake crossbow. Any vampire that enters my lair will see 30 images of me and not know which is the correct one. I will see just one vampire.

Around the equinox, I expect my lair will smell with the death of the undead. Where’s your pseudo immortality then, vampires?

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Bars and Leaf

Posted on 15 August 2012 by Larry Russwurm

The Americans have a number of nicknames for their flag. “Stars and Stripes”, “The Star Spangled Banner”, and “Old Glory” are the three that I know.

I’ve lived my whole life in Canada and not once have I heard someone use a cute nickname for our flag. I think it is as unique a flag as the American one but still no one has been inspired to make it as familiar as Americans have done with theirs. That ends now.

Now I don’t want it to sound like an abstract painting’s title. Like “Two Bars Surrounding Pointy Maple Leaf on a Field of White”.  So I propose “Bars and Leaf”. Unfortunately this title brings up the following image in my mind:

Or maybe 25 years from now (you older druggies must know by now that it’s always 25 years from whatever year it is):

Maybe the solution is to steal “Old Glory” from the U.S. After all Canada has managed to last a full 145 years, now.

I’m hesitant to suggest my last offering because the term was coined by an American. How be we nickname the Canadian flag “The Maple Leaf Rag”? Scott Joplin (American ragtime musician) may have never lived to see the flag but maybe he would be proud to be part of  the historical story surrounding it.

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All the World’s a Factory Floor

Posted on 11 August 2012 by Larry Russwurm

All the world’s a factory floor, and all the men and women merely robots.
They don’t think they’re robots, nay they are far superior,
For they have emotions, the thing that separates man from machine.

If they are sad then they mope, if they are sadder then they even cry,
If they are sad for a long, long time then they have depression.

If they are angry then their faces turn red, if they are angrier then they threaten,
If they are very angry then they smash things, if they are angriest then they resort to violence.

If they are happy then they smirk, if they are happier then they smile,
If they are very happy then they laugh, if they are happiest then they spread the joy/joke.

If they fear then they cower, if they fear a lot then they retreat,
If they are embarrassed then they blush, if they are very embarrassed then they retreat.

Because all the possible if/then statements fit onto over one piece of paper,
The robots just say it’s incomprehensible.
So sadly they work long into the day and sometimes into the night,
Ripping off Shakespeare or whatever else they do,
Oblivious to what is really going on.

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The Case for Vampires Staking Vampires

Posted on 8 August 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Since vampires do indeed exist, let’s look at them a bit more scientifically than they usually get looked at. First of all we know they feed off human blood. And those bodies they have fed on turn into vampires. This is how vampires reproduce.

Now let’s say that the fit vampire can go without feeding on human blood for a full week. So at the end of week one, we have two vampires – the original and the new vampire created by the feeding. During week 2, the pair of vampires each finds a victim to feed on. At the end of week 2 there are 4 vampires. We can keep going with this progression of vampire numbers till we get to week 34 when all the human prey in the whole world has been used up and every person is now an undead vampire.

In the prehistory of vampires, populations remained relatively stable because the bodies were left outdoors after being drained of blood. Daylight would destroy the new vampires who would take a day or so to undergo their transformation.

But in modern times it is considered unseemly to leave bodies lying around until light. So nowadays these bodies go right to the morgue. Morgues usually do not get much daylight. Thus all the kills of a vampire will turn, leading to the frightening overpopulation outlined earlier.

What can we do? Well the cross thing is obviously a myth as pointed out by this earlier comic strip of mine. If crosses killed vampires, they could not exist in our world of right angles everywhere. So the next anti vampire weapon is holy water.

Now the definition of holy water is really fast and loose. Is it the water used by churches for baptisms? If so is any water that’s in a church holy water? What about water in a church’s rain barrels? Is holy water that water that has been blessed by a priest, a pastor, or a reverend? Wouldn’t the holiest of waters be Jesus’ tears? It is said that when you lie you make baby Jesus cry. If only we could harness that system for holy water.

And holy water doesn’t necessarily mean Christianity. What would make water holy in other religions?

Holy water is just a giant maze that I refuse to navigate. The next thing we know about vampires is that they shrink away from garlic. Now, I don’t think this is a self preservation thing. I think that vampires are just extremely cultured and thus hate to eat or smell garlic. I don’t think this will kill them.

So at the end of this list, we are left with using a wooden stake through the heart to kill vampires. Indeed, vampires live so long that I suspect each one has learned all about exponentiation and population growth. So however often they feed, they simply stake the victim, too. So this is birth control for the modern vampire.

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She Wants Those Glasses Off

Posted on 4 August 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Previously I’ve posted about my black cat, Bast. Pretty well when I first got her, she would chew and bite at my glasses when I picked her up and held her.

Then relatively recently she discovered my night hiding place for my glasses. My glasses are mostly metal with a plastic coating around the arms. The plastic coating extended further than the metal at the ends, helping to curl around my ears and thus kept my glasses on better.

Bast chewed off the end parts of the arms while I slept. In an effort to keep my glasses looking better and so they can’t scratch me, I melted the plastic at the ends with a lighter for smoother ends.

It was only the other day that I figured out what Bast was up to. She bit at my glasses even more than usual while I was sitting in a chair. This time she got a good hold and started to take my glasses off. I stopped her, but now I think that this is what she was after all along. She wants me to take my glasses off.

Perhaps she is embarrassed about the fashion statement I make with her. If you want you can see my glasses in the “about” part of this blog. I’m still wearing the same pair. They are the rounded type of glasses. They are currently out of fashion amongst the fashion many, who like the not very high but wide, almost rectangular lenses. Maybe I’m embarrassing my cat’s fashion sense.

Then too, perhaps Bast has heard the “Larry Potter” comments that some “witty” people have made to me. Perhaps that fashion leaning isn’t all a cat could hope for.

Maybe she just wants the glasses off completely. Now I don’t know what she reads while I am not home but it’s possible she has read the odd Superman comic book. Perhaps she thinks if I took off my glasses, I would be able to fly. Perhaps she needs me to have that super power so she can get me to fly her into high trees where all the tastiest birds sing.

Maybe Bast just wants to be a stylist. We’ve all seen those shows in the mass media where a beautiful person is hidden by glasses and a couple other bad affectations. Bast might want to transform me and thus add the before and after pictures to her portfolio.

It could just be her youth. Bast is only two and might not realize I need these glasses to see properly. Maybe I can convince her that I need them.

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Only 4 Continents

Posted on 1 August 2012 by Larry Russwurm

The lie has been spread for so many years that many believe it is true. That lie is that there are 6, or maybe even 7 continents on Earth.

But anyone with working eyeballs and a simple world map can tell you that there are only 4 continents. Eurasia-Africa is the largest of these continents. Next in line is the Americas. Third is Antarctica and finally the diminutive Australia.

What has led to these lies? Some say it is simple continentalism or nouveau racism. Proof of this might be that the International Olympic Committee is based in Europe(or Eurasia), yet strangely no Olympics in the past or planned for the future have ever been held in Africa.

More surprising is the Western Muslim/ Eastern Muslim schism. But to this very day many Eastern Muslims claim they are Eurasian and are not part of the same continent as Africa.

There is also a schism in the Americas. It blatantly exists between rich North America and poorer South America. Right here in Canada, it has paid off in the past to be in the US sphere of influence, rather than, say, the Brazilian sphere of influence.

There is a surprising twist, here too, as Spanish speaking Mexicans say they are North Americans and thus cut themselves off from South American brethren like say Columbia who also speak Spanish.

This nouveau racism isn’t so new. Over a century ago Africa was physically cut off from Eurasia by the Suez Canal. And similarly the Panama Canal now physically divides North and South America.

Don’t believe the subterfuge being told that these Canals are important for world trade. That is just a convenience being told to downplay continentalism. The primary purpose of those canals is to divide the continents.

Mark my words, in the future there will end up being a huge, huge canal separating Europe and Asia. There will be some trumped up commercial reason for it but really it will be about having 7 continents at long last. If this becomes reality, continentalism will finally win.

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