I’m writing this article about obtainium, poor sister of the more famous unobtainium from the movie Avatar. We heard so very much about unobtainium from that movie. How it was worth raping a planet for. How beautiful the planet was because of the unobtainium. And in between the unobtainium hype there might have been a lesson about conservation.
The name of obtainium suggests that it is a metal. Indeed, I think it is the secret metal in the pennies of Canada and the U.S. For a number of years it has been true that pennies made from copper cost more to produce than their face value. So, it is my studied guess that Canada and the U.S. have replaced most of that copper with the ubiquitous and cheap obtainium. So those jars of pennies that everyone in North America has, just in case they ever need to cash them in, are mainly obtainium. Indeed, the natural unit of measure for obtainium is the ‘jar’.
Like other minerals, obtainium has its effects on health. With trace amounts of it being most places in the environment, most humans are affected by it. Indeed there is a direct correlation between obtainium being in the body and young humans being able to succeed at attending Jr. Kindergarten. That’s how important this mineral is.
Ants are also known to contain high amounts of obtainium. Indeed everywhere on earth, without permafrost, there are obtainium fuelled ant colonies. As a human, you might think that humans are the most plentiful creature on earth. This is not the case. There are far more ants than humans. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if the mass of all ants on earth exceeded the mass of all humans.
Some obtainium is needed and used every time a tax is charged. And the fatalists have noticed that obtainium exposure can lead to death by old age.
There are also specific forms of obtainium. For instance, Justin Bieber is afflicted by a kind that causes crushes in young girls. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are afflicted by a type of obtainium that attracts paparazzi.
A certain type of obtainium exists only in town centres and causes concrete jungles. Lack of exposure to this type of obtainium can cause extreme hickism.
But by far obtainium’s most common form is as dirt. You can temporarily rid yourself of obtainium, but that sets in motion its innate commonality and once again it appears in a few days. Rumour has it that only unobtainium can be used to make obtainium dirt vanish forever. I say lets rape that planet in Avatar. Conservation shmonservation.
And speaking of dirt, with Avatar’s huge money grossing ways, expect Avatar sequels to be as common as dirt in the very near future.
[Postscript: I didn’t realize the word unobtainium was used in other arenas than Avatar while writing this piece. As well, the word obtainium has the definition of being reused material used to make sculpture or mixed media. Since I was unaware of these definitions at the time, the article is what it is.]