Hey-Zeus, the One True God with Massively Multiple Personality Disorder

Hey-Zeus entered the heavenly prayer room. This was that ingeniously designed room that amplified prayers from all over the world so Hey-Zeus could easily hear them.

“Hail Almighty God,” came one prayer. Hey-Zeus answered “Yo!” a word that would echo in the minds of all present around that prayer.

“Glory be to Allah,” came another prayer. Instantly Hey-Zeus’s personality shifted and “Mo’!” echoed in the minds of all assembled where that prayer was uttered.

“Mercury, make me fleet of foot just like you. If you exist.” Hey-Zeus flipped personalities and laughed. That’s right, the Olympics were coming soon. “Zoom!” would sound in the mind of the lone athlete praying silently.

“Mighty Thor send down your lightning crashes,” requested a storm chaser. “Boom!” answered Hey-Zeus.

Then came a prayer the likes of which Hey-Zeus had never heard before. “I am but a humble pastafarian, oh Flying Spaghetti Monster. With your noodly goodness smite the deniers of your abilities.”

It came with as much as a shock to Hey-Zeus as anyone. Suddenly a switch occurred and Hey-Zeus was a blank slate personality with only “Flying Spaghetti Monster” to go by. So he switched to that form and flew to Earth to the place the prayer was uttered.

It had taken Hey-Zeus so long to fly to his invoker that his target had slammed her front door and the intended targets of her curse were no longer in the vicinity. Hey-Zeus tapped on the window of the room his invoker was in. She paused and looked in disbelief at her Flying Spaghetti Monster. But in order to tap on the window the Flying Spaghetti Monster had to sit on the window ledge and just looked like some limp spaghetti with eyes.

The invoker pulled open the window wide and yelled “Not funny you evangelistic turds!”

Hey-Zeus floated back into the air. “Wha?” said his invoker and Hey-Zeus knew he had made a solid impression.

“Your belief in me has made me real.”

“Woah, with the booming voice, you’re going to give me a headache.”

“Who was it you wanted me to smite?”

“Shouldn’t you know? Who’s behind this? Jessie, are you there?”

“I exist and I wish to please my believer. Who do you want smote?”

“You would look pretty impressive to those Jehovah’s witnesses. I’ll get my video recorder. This’ll be great, Jessie!” The invoker pulled the camera out of a drawer from the kitchen. “Let’s go. I’m hoping you know which way they went.”

“As you wish. Was it a party of 2 going door to door?”

“Yes. You mean you just got here? Coincidence?!

“2 evangelists just got kicked out from another door around the corner.” Hey-Zeus pointed with a noodly appendage.

The invoker followed. “Just don’t smite, smite them. I don’t want to cause a physical fight.”

Hey-Zeus was disappointed. Most of his personalities liked some violence. But he listened. This personality had to learn as it went.

They caught up to the pair of evangelists. “I told you about my god! But you didn’t listen so I brought proof. Cower before the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodly goodness!”

Finally having a job to do, Hey-Zeus did some flying acrobatics then finally arose above the pair. In a deep, deep voice that shook the nearby ground Hey-Zeus said, “COWER BEFORE MY SHEER AWESOMENESS!”

One of the pair fell to one knee. The other set his jaw. Using his powers, Hey-Zeus forced the pair to tremble for half a minute. Only after this did he let go and the pair stumbled/ran for their car two blocks away.

His invoker laughed. “That voice was pure awesomeness, Jessie. Come here Flying Spaghetti Monster. I want to try some of your noodles.”

Hey-Zeus just figured this was part of being a pastafarian, so he offered a noodle.

The invoker loved the taste so much she kept breaking off more and more noodles. Eventually most of the spaghetti was gone.

“Great flavour, Jessie,” said the invoker. “I wonder what the features taste like. I imagine the eyes are like the also unblinking candy eyes of chocolate bunnies.”

Hey-Zeus took this as an order by his believer and flavoured himself accordingly.

Finally Hey-Zeus was no longer visible. “Jessie, I’m done if you want to show your face, now,” said the invoker.

But Jessie never did.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet
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