Blood Red Toothpaste

With current levels of vampire mania, I think it’s only a matter of time before some company capitalizes on it all and comes out with a blood red toothpaste. First-on-the-block-Johnny when he gets home from the store will immediately brush his teeth halfway (with it dripping down the corners of his mouth) and then go to the parent who didn’t buy it and say “I bit off bro/sis/friend’s ear and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Of course the bottom will fall out of the fake blood market. And thus absolutely everybody will be doing the fake blood thing. You won’t know if it’s day one of the zombie apocalypse or Saturday.

But the stink of mint will become a buzz kill for the true believers. Eventually there will be more call for blood flavoured, blood smelling, blood coloured toothpaste.

And what had started out as mild amusement for true vampires (where they just nodded and said “easier prey”), will become something of incredible value. With the true look, smell, taste and feel vampires for the very first time can see what its like to not feed.

With their guard down, some vampires can actually afford to fall for their would be victims. True love would come about as prophesied by some of the vampire stories. True love, from killer to prey.

Then to be considered anything of a sex symbol, women would have to show up with their emaciated lovers (they would be wasting away from improper nutrition). Normal males would find they could have any lover at all that they wanted as long as they were willing to become anorexic.

Perhaps the populace would become trimmer and we’d hear less about obesity in the modern era. More likely the range would be from the deathly obese to the deathly thin.

Would all the good vampires eventually waste away so much that they die out? Maybe. So all the remaining vampires would be pure evil. In fact, we may find that this was the plan all along. The truly evil vampires had started the blood red toothpaste for exactly this reason. It was only a natural reaction to the ‘sissifying’ of their reputation that the modern era’s vampire stories had brought about.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet
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