Very Undercover

I think half the reason for the hippy movement’s success in the late ’60s and early ’70s was the fact that the police had a hard time infiltrating amongst long haired males. Eventually the police caught on and brought women on the force and the male undercover cops grew their hair long. But for awhile police had to rely on just informants for that movement.

Since being an undercover cop is a very dangerous job, I think these cops should do things one would never expect a cop to do. Not the old hat kill a man to fit in. That would be against the law. No I have other suggestions.

All undercover cops should drive a Rolls Royce. No one is expecting the police department to foot the bill for this one. Which is precisely why undercover cops should check this off on a list of must haves.

Undercover cops should all have a mansion in which they can throw wild parties and get potential informants liquored up. Who has their guard up when they are talking to the big white phone in the washroom? That’s where the best intel will come from – in between dry or wet heaves. It must happen in a mansion so there will be other washrooms for more informants and even more washrooms so people don’t have to tinkle on the lawn. This is police work but there is no reason to make it uncivilized.

And lastly the wiliest undercover cop will want a gold chain. Not the usual chain that hangs around a neck. We need a 3 foot chain the thickness and size of ones found in a pickup truck or a farm tractor. Something big enough to haul machinery but made of gold so it is uber cool and very expensive. Something heavy enough that it gives the strongest man a hunchback from just wearing it.

Now I know you’re saying to yourself, that’s all well and good but who the heck is going to pay for all this? Well that comes with the territory of being a cop.

Instead of [allegedly!] pulling over black people on the highway for spurious reasons, the cops can now pull over each and every Rolls Royce they see. The rich may suspect they have been profiled but the police will deny this while impounding the car. Once in control of the vehicle, the impounding might add a few thousand kilometres to the odometer.

Mansion owners usually travel frequently. Check the list of the best 100 restaurants in the world and it is there that I bet you will find the mansion owners. The rich like their memories as much as the poor so there will be cameras at times. While arresting these people on terrorism charges (Obviously! I said they had a camera!) the enterprising police officer can find out if they managed to jail all the inhabitants at the mansion address and send any minors to relatives who live in another mansion. The undercover beneficiaries will just have to clean up the mansion once the court finally demands the release of the mansion owners.

Then again if you are shocked by my suggestion of treating the rich in a very cavalier way, perhaps we should try a different tack. Over 3 000 Toronto cops make over $100 000 a year. So perhaps we can just get them to use their own car, house, and chain.

So there you have it. In the future, undercover officers will be the hunchbacks in the mansion with a Rolls Royce.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet
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