We Interview Some of the Ford Government’s New Appointees

LR: Fox Ford, you’ve been chosen as the province’s official chicken inspector. Is there anything you’d like to say to our readers?

FF: Not really. But I’m curious. If I were to, say, reject some meat where would they dispose of it?

LR: I’m not sure. Through proper procedures, I’m sure.

FF: What if I were to offer to take it off their hands. Free and clear. No disposal costs at all for them. Might that save them some money?

LR: Do you not understand how an interview works? I’m supposed to ask the questions.

Now, do you have any direction where you might take food inspection?

FF: I was thinking that really, can’t you tell if meat is good or bad at the farm first? Sorry about that question – it was rhetorical. I’ve always been able to size up a chicken and decide if it was good or bad while it was still alive. My stomach can attest to my 100% accuracy. Anyhow, I think we can move the inspection system to the farms for freshness. The system might be able to save on slaughtering costs as well. Just thinking aloud.

LR: My, Fox Ford, I just can’t seem to look away from your pointy face and red hair. And you look like you’re drowning in that suit.

FF: Do you have something you’re trying to tell me?

LR: There’s the questions again. Just thinking aloud. Like you did. If we’re off on the wrong foot just go.

Fox Ford leaves the interview.

*

LR: Now Sinbad Baddie, you’re the new pot czar for Ontario. May I ask, how do you know the Ford family?

SB: I’m entirely qualified to be pot czar. I used to supply drugs to Ontarians.

LR: Was that crack? And was it to the Ford family?

SB: I object to this line of questioning. You’re just assuming the worst because of my name. Well let me assure you that it is a double negative which is a positive.

LR: It’s a triple negative which is a negative.

SB: Agree to disagree.

LR: Alright. The government way underestimated the potential pot market and there are shortages everywhere province wide. Is that because someone in government asked their dealer and the dealer lied in order to enrich themselves.

SB: I object to this line of questioning, too. Are you trying to out me as a dealer or as a member of government. I can’t decide which.

LR: I am trying to out you both ways.

SB: Now I know why people in politics always use that handy “No comment” answer. No comment.

LR: Do you have anything else the public might want to know?

SB: No comment.

*

LR: Digby Runes, may I just say how glad I am to meet the appointee in charge of manufacturing and industry. I am pleased to say you are not a Ford or a known friend of the Fords.

DR: Yes, yes. I am happy to be here.

LR: You must be an expert in your field to be chosen for this.

DR: Quite right. I have been in middle management in the manufacturing field for years.

LR: Middle management? They could have promoted almost anyone from that. Why you?

DR: I think I bring skills they needed.

LR: Like what?

DR: Like my total commitment to the job. No matter what they want I will try, try, try to make it happen.

LR: So your skill is you try at your job?

DR: Yes, yes.

LR: Digby Runes, are you a Yes man?

DR: Yes, yes. Quite, quite.

LR: As a Yes man, what do you see as your most important goal?

DR: With GM abandoning part of Ontario and Chrysler still being uncompetitive I see an opening with cars for this to be Ford Nation.

LR: Ontario’s not a nation, Canada is.

DR: Things change.

LR: And Ford is getting out of making any cars. It would be more like Honda nation.

DR: SUVs, then. Still Ford Nation.

LR: Doesn’t that sound like a stupid plan to you?

DR: Yes, this interview is over.