Meat For Vegetarians

By now everyone has had a Beyond Meat burger or other plant based replacements for meat. The taste is wonderful and I think meat finally has an acceptable alternative. My only problem with Beyond Meat’s offering is that you can tell it’s not as many calories as the meat, so you need more food to finish off the meal.

I imagine many vegetarians like this product. All those years of hating themselves for liking the smell of cooking meat can finally make sense. They were just preparing themselves for the dawn of true meat alternatives. Now, when they have a craving for meat, they can drown their sorrow in a meatless alternative.

Many vegetarians who are looking down the road, see the day when they can even have as many calories as with a burger. It of course will taste exactly like meat because it is meat. I’m talking vat grown meat. Scientists are sure they can produce meat without a mother, it’s just a matter of getting the cost down. That is likely in our future.

All that true meat flavour and calories – mmm mmm. But what if I were to tell you there was a way to get the meat taste, along with all the calories? And you could get it today!

The meat I’m talking about does indeed have a mother but the baby is never killed. Which ought to make it literally palatable to vegetarians. Some types of lizards can regrow their tails. Why not farm the creatures?

You wouldn’t even have to harm the creatures while harvesting their meat. There is a process called autotomy where the creature is scared so badly that it drops its tail. The tail then squirms and moves for a while which is supposed to distract predators as the rest of the creature gets away.

Imagine harvesting these tails every couple months in a farm situation. You could breed them for ease in scaring their tails off. You could place a giant gong in the barn and every couple months (because that’s how long it takes them to grow a tail) you could hit the gong as loudly as possible and then just harvest the tails.

This ought to satisfy most vegetarian concerns about killing or hurting the animals. There might be some risk of the gong causing so much fear it leads to post traumatic stress disorder. This, too, could possibly be bred out of the creatures.

And because eating the meat doesn’t kill the owner, you could introduce different diets to its owner until you get just the taste you want.

Then you could advertise with some famous vegetarian philanderer. He might say, “That’s the best piece of tail I’ve ever had!”

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet
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