Perfect Pitch

“I want you two to hear my latest musical fave,” I said to Mr. And Mrs. Tunic.

I began playing Heat Above. Keyboards started the song. “It’s Greta Van Fleet. Their latest song. It doesn’t sound like Led Zeppelin but it’s good just the same.”

Drums came on and that led to guitars, where rather obviously, Mrs. Tunic’s face fell flat. Then she spoke, “I can’t listen to this music. It has screeching guitars.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked rather innocently.

“I have perfect pitch. Guitars are almost never tuned fully and completely. And even when they are, the strings have to be bent to change notes and that makes the notes off from perfect even further. It’s very irritating when you have perfect pitch like myself.”

Not knowing what to do with my music being insulted in this way, I just let the music play some more. I thought to myself if it’s that irritating she will just leave.

Mr Tunic spoke up. “And I have perfect time which is irritated by guitar music as well.”

“How so?” I asked, stunned that there are two afflictions that are irritated by the simple guitar.

“Guitarists seem to think that they strike the chord notes at the same time. But it’s not instantaneous. They may be correct at the first note hit, but the rest of the chord is off from the time of the song. This bothers me to no end. At least when music uses arpeggios, they bother to keep the time correct. Not so in strumming. It bothers me.”

It was at this point that I started to think about the third basic parameter of music, other than pitch and time.

“And my husband has perfect timing as well,” said Mrs, Tunic. “He knows when to back up his lady.” The pair then broke into a kiss.

I waited for them to finish then said. “And I have perfect volume.”

Mr. Tunic started, “That’s not a thi-”

“That’s where I slowly increase the volume of my music until it reaches that perfect volume that drives away pretentious A-holes.” I slowly turned up the music.

They took a minute to gauge what was going on. Then, “Fine, fine,” said the couple and left the room.

And that’s how I found the perfect volume for Heat Above. Now I only play it at that volume.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet. Now in the Fediverse as
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