Once upon a time Earth had no @$$holes. Well of course that’s true before life began on Earth. But it’s also true after multi cellular life had started on Earth. That time has gone now (obviously). What was responsible for this golden age? Why, the food circulatory system, of course, was literally responsible for there being no @$$holes.
That’s right. Food was circulated inside early life and eventually left again, out of the same mouth that took it in. I am unsure whether it just went straight down and sort of left by a “puking” mechanism, or if the digestive system went in a circle with the end of the circle being the same mouth that had eaten the food.
Anyhow it took life a long time to evolve the @$$hole from the food circulatory system so there was a golden age without @$$holes.
I bet you’re thinking that mmm mmm, creatures with the food circulatory system got to taste their food at the start and the end of the digestive process. Okay, perhaps this was a problem. You would need taste buds in your mouth to discern good food from poisonous food. Perhaps you could find a food whose taste was palatable on the way in and the way out. The only thing I can think of is very hot, spicy food. You know, the kind of pepper that burns on the way in and on the way out. And that would have been the diet of those with a food circulatory system.
But evolution just changes things. Sometimes these changes make the creatures more competitive. But other times it didn’t. There is nothing that says the food circulatory system was inferior. So aliens may never have changed from the food circulatory system. So they might call us the @$$holes from sector 8G. For both the insults we hurl at each other and the reality of our present digestive system.
Indeed these aliens may be inspecting the earth right now. In some circles it is well known that aliens like to do a lot of anal probing. Now we know why. They are most curious of those parts of the body they don’t have. Maybe they consider it a superior digestive system and wish to genetically engineer their own @$$holes just to compete with humans. Or maybe they are just curious.
Maybe they watch us and see how we kill off so much life that we don’t care about. Or maybe they see us stretching our biosphere to the max with climate change. Maybe they see how we still kill each other for war, imagined slights, or whatever reason. Maybe they think we are @$$holes by our own definition. A whole planet of @$$holes. Maybe they will ban contact because of this. Of course they don’t want to give us superior technology because we’ve found too many ways to kill with the technology we already have. Maybe we have become that planet of @$$holes.
And as with any @$$holes there might be quite a mess to clean up.