The Horror of Febreze

Just like McDonald’s in the past, Febreze carefully watches their language.

What was/is McDonald’s guilty of in their advertisements? It’s “made with 100% pure beef,” for its hamburgers.

Now obviously a burger isn’t all beef. There are the bun and condiment parts of the burger. That’s why they have the “made with” part.

But the patty isn’t 100% pure beef either because McDonald’s for sure adds salt to their meat which a simple taste can easily show. It’s likely that they add binder/filler, possibly eggs, as well. As long as they add 100% pure beef to this other stuff, they haven’t lied in their advertisements.

Similarly, Febreze “eliminates odours”. Febreze doesn’t eliminate 100% of odours. It “eliminates odours”. This could mean it eliminates 5% of odours or 95% of odours. We don’t really know, because Febreze never tells us.

Because they are watching their language it is kind of hard to tell. But I’m willing to meet Febreze halfway and say that their product eliminates 50% of odours.

Which explains why they never release an unscented version of their product. If they did, we would be able to tell easily that this product doesn’t get rid of all odours. The scent covers up what ever odours haven’t been eliminated.

And an unscented odour eliminator would be a guaranteed seller. There are large amounts of people who are bothered by the scents of certain products. They would buy the scent free odour eliminator in droves. If it got rid of all odour.

Also, Febreze uses the term “noseblind” in other ads. That’s when, through long exposure, you become immune to certain odours. Well I can easily think up a scary Halloween horror story for this.

What if our farts don’t dissipate, what if we just become noseblind to them? That would mean that every fart we’ve made in our current house is still there.

Yes, I know if we go out for a few hours, then come back inside, most odours that we are noseblind to will come back, and we’ll notice them again. Maybe it just takes longer for us to become aware of old farts again. Maybe it takes years.

But wouldn’t that mean that outside visitors would smell the built up farts immediately after coming over to our home?

Well they fart too and the buildup of farts in their house might average out to the same smell as the buildup of farts in our house, So we are mutually noseblind to the smell.

Now if an alien came to our door, his first words would be “Your place stinks really, really badly. So badly in fact that I have to leave!”

Ever notice that haunted houses are inevitably old houses. Maybe the buildup of enough bad farts becomes a truly evil spirit and that’s why those places are haunted. And maybe, just maybe for a haunting, you might be able to get rid of it with a few squirts of Febreze. I can see it now. Every exorcist needs Febreze. Maybe that could be their next slogan.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet. Now in the Fediverse as
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