A Gaggle of Superheros in Montreal

Posted on 6 June 2020 by Larry Russwurm

The Mother Earth Force rented a room in a hotel in Montreal near the spots where the three linked arsons had taken place. Mother Earth scanned all the nearby active cameras with an A.I. she had stolen from the American military to identify Flame Tosser regardless of any disguises he may have donned. With the A.I. doing most of the “work”, the troop played games to pass the time. These games were easy to readjust from if they were going to see action soon.

The A.I. sounded the alarm during a raucous game of rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock. Immediately the group was up and running (well flying for Near Absolute Hero). Mother Earth shouted out directions from each of their smart phones. They spotted their nemeses some meters from a large building.

Flame Tosser sparked one of his farts which was pointed at Near Absolute Hero. Near Absolute Hero put out the fire with his cold gun and idly looked at the rest of the group to see their faces sour one by one from the smell.

Tail was giving a good accounting of himself with his ninja but Near Absolute Hero spied Modern Ninja being encroached on by two ninjas from either end. That was one extra ninja than they thought there would be.

Modern Ninja could use her point invisibility for one of the ninjas but the other one was bound to attack without any problems.

Near Absolute Hero let Flame Tosser go and flew Modern Ninja up over her attackers and yelled to Tail about the rest. Modern Ninja yelled for him to retreat. Finally Tail could avert his attention from his foe long enough to see the other two ninjas. He immediately retreated.

Flame Tosser and his minions fled into the building and ran downstairs. This immediately nullified Near Absolute Hero’s powers and made the rest vulnerable to Flame Tosser’s fire. Near Absolute Hero couldn’t use his cold gun inside because the backpack part would cause fires on its own. He had hoped Flame Tosser would try inside by a window where the glass could be broken and the cold gun fired inside.

“Quick,” yelled Near Absolute Hero. “They’re probably going to come back up the stairs on the other side of the building.”

Mother Earth stopped Near Absolute Hero’s flight. “All these buildings are connected by tunnels. Apparently Montreal has over 30 kilometers of tunnels downtown.”

“No,” cried Near Absolute Hero in anguish. “Now we know why Flame Tosser chose Montreal.”

“Are you up to help the Montreal fire department with the fire Flame Tosser and the ninjas set?” asked Modern Ninja.

“Absolutely. We’ll need good press after this leaks. No one caught the third ninja by camera. How is that even possible?”

“They might not have used him the previous fires. They knew once the city was held for ransom that we would be on the hunt,” said Tail. “That’s when they used their advantage.”

Near Absolute Hero followed the fire trucks. The rest went back to the hotel.

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Enter the Mother Earth Force

Posted on 30 May 2020 by Larry Russwurm

The rest of the Mother Earth Force gathered around Near Absolute Hero as he came into the training facility and sat down heavily at the table.

“Spill it!” ordered Mother Earth herself, her image and voice on a laptop.

“They’ve been keeping something from me for a couple days down at the firehouse,” said Near Absolute Hero. “The fire services in Montreal are being shaken down by a new arsonist there. They want 2 million dollars to stop their reign of terror – er – fire.

“How on earth can you tell arsonists apart? It could be anyone claiming they are a serial arsonist…” thought Modern Ninja aloud.

“This arsonist has a clear modus operandi. They start the fire about a meter up with methane being the ignition source.”

“No!” Exclaimed Tail. “Not the Flame Tosser! Surely he should have disappeared better than this!”

“How come there are no reports about this in the news?” asked Mother Earth being sensible.

“They ordered quiet in the press, that is until tomorrow night’s deadline. I was going to go there myself without telling the crew and make up for losing him a few weeks ago.”

“That would be a fool’s mission,” said Mother Earth. “Flame Tosser wouldn’t be so brazen unless he had some advantage over you.”

“It’s like we talked about,” said Modern Ninja facing Near Absolute Hero directly, “He knows you can’t use your power indoors. He’s mulled over why he has escaped you.”

“And I think,” Mother Earth said, “he expects the whole team to come after him. I’d be wary of any meeting with him. He’s the type that likes an advantage.”

“Yes, we believe he is expecting the full team,” said Near Absolute Hero. “Some video captured him and what appears to be 2 ninjas near one of the fires. One for each one of us.”

“We all will have to go,” said Tail standing up arms akimbo. “This will be the first mission of the Mother Earth Force.”

“I’ve gotten through to a private jet at the airport. We can be out of here in minutes,” said Mother Earth.

“Only Mother Earth can be truly safe from this diabolical fiend,” said Near Absolute Hero.

“You fear injury or death?” asked Tail.

“No, but it’s a certainty that I will encounter that smell yet one more time!”

“The horror,” said Modern Ninja. She alone knew about Near Absolute Hero’s trauma on the subject that forced him to relive the smell again and again. She just hoped that she would not have to suffer as badly.

They all got up and headed to the airport.

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Can Cockroaches Survive Dr. Phil?

Posted on 23 May 2020 by Larry Russwurm

In the book, “The Cockroach Papers: A Compendium of History and Lore” it is believed that the first mention of cockroaches being able to survive the Nagasaki and Hiroshima nuclear blasts occurred. This eventually led to the idea that if there was a nuclear war, humanity would be dead but cockroaches would continue on.

This became part of our popular culture lore. This led to studies with radiation to see just how much a cockroach could stand. The answer they found is more than a human but less then other insects. But a nuclear war is so much more than one burst of radiation. It is that, but also how can the creature handle the radiation over generations and survive in the changed post nuclear strike world?

One way to look at it is to see how animals have survived in the area around the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. While bears, foxes and wolves and other large mammals exist in the exclusion zone, there are way fewer insects and spiders than there should be.

So I am going to say that insects and especially cockroaches are unlikely to survive a nuclear war. Especially here in the temperate zones of earth where winter temperatures go below freezing. The only reason cockroaches survive our winters is because of humans being nice enough to heat space for those cockroaches in the winter. They are a tropical insect.

Meanwhile, Dr. Phil has been repeating that “study conclusion” that the overweight and obese are getting serious covid-19 cases in greater numbers than the rest of the population. That rate was 64% in Britain when being overweight or obese occurred in just 62% of the British population. So let’s make my stats more ironclad. I said (in a post from a few weeks ago) that because overweight and obesity was increasing in the population that should take us to 64% – the same rate that were overweight or obese and got serious cases of covid-19.

From 1980 to 2013, the increase in obesity of the United Kingdom was 13%. 2013 is where the 62% obese and overweight rate comes from. Assuming the same rate of increase in obesity and overweight people, we can find that 13% divided by 33 years gives .394% change per year. Multiplied by 7 years this gives a 2.76% increase in obesity and being overweight in the UK. So there should be about 64.76% of the population that is obese or overweight. This rounds up to 65% but I am going to be generous and assume that doctors are making some headway against the obesity epidemic and that the overweight and obese are 64% of the British population.

Again, there is no link between obesity and serious covid-19 cases. Dr. Phil you are wrong.

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Modern Ninja and the Commish

Posted on 16 May 2020 by Larry Russwurm

Modern Ninja walked into the police station in her LED body suit. Some stared as it was uncommon to see someone with such an odd fashion choice. Modern Ninja made a beeline to the cop that was behind a desk that looked like the best bet to be the reception area. That cop seemed to ignore Modern Ninja even though Modern Ninja was staring at him with simmering intensity.

“Mmm hmm,” Modern Ninja cleared her throat.

The cop turned his head and looked right through Modern Ninja and then past her before turning his head back to its original position.

“Sure! Pretend you don’t see me. Like I’m –” Modern Ninja changed her tune as realization hit, “Invisibility off!” she ordered to her suit.

“I was wondering what I was hearing,” said the now smiling cop. “You must be Modern Ninja. Commissioner Corwin told me to let you up whenever you show up. At least one rumour was true.”

“You mean you really didn’t see her there, McCain?” asked another officer loudly.

“Nope. That’s her superpower.” He turned back to Modern Ninja. “Go to the fifth floor and turn right from the elevator and go the end of that hallway and that’s where Commissioner Corwin is.”

“Alright,” said Modern Ninja. The elevator ride and walk took only a minute. The commissioner’s door was open so Modern Ninja just stepped inside and saw the greying man behind the desk for the first time in real life.

“Commissioner Corwin?” Modern Ninja asked.

“Modern Ninja,” He closed his paperwork in a file and stood up offering her a seat. “I have a few questions to ask of you.”

“What questions?”

“Specifically about the museum heist. My lead detective and I can’t seem to agree. How did you know that the two men you apprehended were the only ones there?”

“I didn’t act alone. I had Mother Earth with me.”

“What? That foolish joke that Tail tried to pass off on us a few months ago? How could that be related?”

“I realize that Mother Earth didn’t ever tell the public what her powers were. She can crack any computer system in less than a minute. That night she broke into the museum’s surveillance system and told me via my phone that there were two men headed for the exit, three seconds apart.”

“Oh, that does make sense. Then we will not worry about arresting you for now.”

“For now? I thought you were going to congratulate me for helping the police. Your men would have never have gotten them because, you see, they never even saw me that night. I thought you were going to offer me the keys to the city, a paid position with the police or at least let me call you Commish!”

“Firstly, the mayor is in charge of keys to the city. Why would I pay you when I could buy more beat cops with the money?”

“I’m more valuable than a beat cop. Or did those men not tell you about my invisibility? Invisibility On!”

Now all that Commissioner Corwin could see of her was her eyes. “We’ve already figured out how you pull off your little trick. We saw that invisible car news.”

“Did you now, Commish?”

Comissioner Corwin’s face flushed with anger but he tried to play it cool. “We need to keep a lid on this superhero thing. Tail, then you and now you tell me about Mother Earth. You’re all vigilantes.”

“And part of our group is Near Absolute Hero. He’s a fire vigilante. He’s making quite the money with the fire department of the Big Smoke. Why not us, Commish?

“Vigilante is a bad thing. Absolute Hero is a prized volunteer. So much so he was put on the payroll.”

“I volunteered at the Museum, Commish.”

“If you don’t let it be I will arrest you and put the question to a jury.”

“Wow, I didn’t think it would digress this badly. Tail was right. All of us, Tail, Mother Earth and I as well as Near Absolute Hero are part of the Mother Earth Force. Do you want to know what Tail suggested I do if the meeting got tense?”

“No.”

“He said I should threaten to ask every criminal I can find what it would be like if someone yelled ‘Suuu Weee. Weee, Weee, Weee. Here piggy piggy. ‘ at the top of their lungs at any cop shop including this one. I can head down to the prison today so we could find out what the reaction is.”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Try me, Commish.”

“Get out now! And if my men catch you at a crime scene…”

“They’ll what? Threaten someone who helped them?” It was then that her eyes disappeared, too, and the impression she had made on the chair disappeared.

Commissioner Corwin huffed and puffed but did not call any other cops to the scene.

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Another View of a Superheroine

Posted on 9 May 2020 by Larry Russwurm

Lead Investigator Bates and Police Commissioner Corwin crowded around the computer for the viewing. Both had heard reports about what had happened at the museum and it seemed odd, especially the two handcuffed men with the Modern Ninja handcuffs.

“Alright,” said Bates, “this is from the camera at the far end of the loading dock we’re most interested in. It’s set to show us only the times when it caught some motion.”

It was set to play and they could see a white van pull up to park in the loading dock. Out came two men dressed in black with masks covering their faces. They easily lock picked the door and went in.

Suddenly the time on the top right corner jumped ahead 20 minutes. They saw a woman get out of her car after blocking the van in. She was in a strange head to toe suit that only let up to reveal her eyes. Then the door opened from the museum.

Out came a man who didn’t react in the slightest as the woman kicked him in the head. Then he went down. A second man came out and saw enough to jump over the first man but didn’t think to protect himself from the woman kicking him in the balls and then punching him in the face.

The pair continued to watch as the woman dragged each man over to the fence and handcuffed them there.

“Well,” said Commissioner Corwin, “she blocked them in thus proving she is a new superheroine in town. So of course she took them down.”

“I’m not so sure,” said Investigator Bates. “She knew there were only two men inside or else she would have kept watching that door. I think she is their kingpin boss. Why else would they have just stood there when she attacked them?”

“I don’t know,” said Corwin. “They’re too good at not flinching at all. I think they had trouble seeing her in the dark.”

“After they came out of a dark museum? I don’t buy it.”

“Well you said there were two cameras. Where was the other camera?” asked Corwin.

“It was right over the door that the two men came out. It will show the view looking out of the museum.” The lead investigator got the new footage to come up on the screen.

From this new angle they watched the van pull up and the two men get out and come in the door. Then the time skipped twenty minutes and they saw the woman’s car pull up to block an easy escape. The woman came out of the car then clambered up to the side where the fence was, then turned to face the door and disappeared!

“She’s still there,” yelled Corwin at the screen. “That background light can be seen but it should be slightly higher! She’s invisible from a point! I’ve heard of this before but not quite as advanced!”

They watched as the first man came out and crumpled in a heap. “I think I see her eyes,” said Investigator Bates. He stopped the video and picked out an area on screen, then expanded it. “I’d even say those eyes look East Asian.”

They let the video go, then, and could see those eyes as the second man presumably got kicked and hit. Then suddenly the woman was visible again, dragging each man over to the fence and handcuffing them to it.

“I’d say she’s invisible to whatever she looks at.” Corwin was smug. “There’s a new superheroine in town.”

“How does she know there are only two, though?”

“I don’t know,” said Commissioner Corwin typing furiously on his phone. “Ahh. There it is. The invisible car. It’s only invisible from a certain angle.” He showed Investigator Bates this article which had some pictures.

“Invisibility and prescience are too many powers for one superhero or superheroine.”

“We also saw her leave twice and she had nothing. She was against taking anything from the museum.”

“A refined supervillain then?” asked Inevstigator Bates.

“We’ll have to talk with the two perps to find out,” said Commissioner Corwin.

“If that doesn’t clarify things, we’ll have to put out a call for her to meet with us. But that’ll only work if she’s a superheroine.” Investigator Bates was smug that this approach might reveal the woman as a supervillain.

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Superheroine’s Night Out

Posted on 2 May 2020 by Larry Russwurm

“So this is really our first patrol? That girls’ night out thing was just to throw the guys off our scent?” asked Modern Ninja almost trembling with anticipation.

“You’ve got it,” assured Mother Earth her image on the dashboard screen.

“With all this practicing, you know we could have practiced driving more.” Modern Ninja turned left and the street lights lit her up one by one.

“That’s something we can work on but for the time being we’ll leave the chases for the cops.”

“You know,” said Modern Ninja in a confiding manner, “Tail took it upon himself to warn me about you.”

“But he’s my oldest friend of the whole lot of you.”

“Yes, well he said that he got to thinking after the government took him that some of what they told him may have been real. He said it’s possible you’re not even a woman.”

“Do you think this is a girl night out?” asked Mother Earth.

“Girls night out.”

“Just girl night out. As in just you.”

“Huh. I think he trusts you with life and death things. It’s just that he worries you might be a peeping Tom.”

“So I’ve pretended all this time that I was a woman just to see you naked even though I didn’t know you until a couple months ago?”

“Ha, ha. That’s pretty much the theory. But you know, Tail put your image in many an artificial intelligence identification program and they haven’t scraped you just yet. They demand to know who you are and that’s where Tail leaves the program. Either you’re unique or you haven’t been scraped just yet. That is unless you had radical plastic surgery of the face.”

“You should know I am wonderful at keeping secrets…”

The police scanner said “Someone tripped the alarms at the RO Museum.”

“That’s only a couple blocks away!” said an excited Mother Earth. “Turn right here. We’ll approach from the back.” There was the sound of a far away siren.

There was a two lane width loading dock road with a van at the dock. Modern Ninja put her car sideways across both possible exits so the van was trapped.

“I did a check of the security cameras and there are two men running toward the dock about 3 seconds apart from each other.”

Modern Ninja ran from the car up to the loading dock doors. She readied herself to stare at the left or right one knowing that she would be invisible except her eyes to the point where she looked. The left door opened. In the dark she doubted that her prey even saw her eyes before being kicked.

That first man dropped to the floor and his bag hit with an audible thump. Suddenly the second man was through the door and jumped just in time to avoid his slumped friend.

Modern Ninja kicked him in the balls then hit him with her fists. As both were down she grabbed her handcuffs and handcuffed both to the fence that was parallel to the dock. She was glad that she had listened to Tail who always said you should have three pairs of handcuffs on you at all times.

The closest siren seemed to stop growing nearer. Perhaps that police car was at a different entrance. Modern Ninja got back in the car and the pair were away before the police even knew they were there. The handcuffs had Modern Ninja’s name on them and the two thieves might tell the police what they thought had happened.

It was a productive girls’ night out. All the practice had paid off for Modern Ninja.

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COVID-19 Pandemic Meets the Obesity Epidemic

Posted on 25 April 2020 by Larry Russwurm

Just look at this article. COVID-19 Warning for overweight people. They sure do know how to scare us. So let’s look at their math.

Overweight and obese people made up 64% of the people with COVID-19 in the ICU in the UK. This sounds like a grim and scary statistic. Indeed the article gets even more damning as it lists a whole host of possible reasons why this illness could be worse for the overweight and obese.

Indeed, this science spread across the pond as known jump-on-the-bandwagon Dr. Oz scared his audience with it. He tried to help, pointing out simple exercises his viewers could do while watching television. Like squats and jumping jacks. He looked so earnest. Like he had really looked at this situation.

Do you know what the statistic for being overweight or obese is in the UK? 62 %! Why that could easily be in the error bars of this COVID-19 study!

It gets worse. 2014 is the last year that I could find stats for being overweight and obese in the UK. This article I linked to gives them as well as the increase in percentage since 1980. It’s possible they have increased further. That’s the track they were on. So the 2020 overweight and obese percentage might be exactly 64%.

This study shouldn’t have been circulated nearly as widely as it has been. Definitely not with the fear mongering messages that it has been associated with.

At this point I would like to ask: What if being overweight or obese has a protective effect on serious cases of COVID-19? To me, that is just as likely a scenario. Do your homework when reporting on such studies. Otherwise you are just a click-baiter or a viewer-baiter.

Just for the record, the pandemic met the obesity epidemic and nothing happened.

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The Big Smoke

Posted on 18 April 2020 by Larry Russwurm

“Sit down, Near Absolute Hero, I have something to say to you and this might take a while,” said the lead fire commissioner of the Big Smoke.

As Near Absolute Hero sat, the commissioner went on. “Many countries have their Big Smoke. In Canada it is Toronto. In Ireland it is Dublin. In England it is London. This leads to ribbing by the rest of the country that the Big Smoke’s fire crews are so bad that the city is called the Big Smoke.

“Now for the last month or so, our fire crews have taken no ribbing at all. The rest of the country has been jealous as you, Near Absolute Hero, have brought skills to our efforts that no one on Earth has. We would like to formalize our relationship.”

The fire commissioner reached into a desk drawer and brought out a page that was filled with writing. “This is a contract for you. We will offer you twice as much money as I make to be part of our firefighting family.”

Near Absolute Hero balked at the idea for a moment. “I would only be able to help you as much as I am helping now.”

“That’s more than fine with us.”

Near Absolute Hero scanned a few of the lines then lifted his head again. “If there were a bigger fire in a neighbouring city I would have to attend that event instead of a little fire in the Big Smoke.”

“Give me back that contract.”

Near Absolute Hero complied and the fire commissioner ripped it up and sighed. He reached into his desk again and brought out a new contract. “This contract allows that and only pays you the salary that I make.”

“I’d be pleased with such an agreement,” said Near Absolute Hero. “I’ll look it over but if it is what you say I will be glad to join your team. There’s just one thing. I will sign it Near Absolute Hero. There is no way I’m going to let you find out my secret identity.”

The fire commissioner sighed again. “It would have been nice to know but I was expecting your position. Let’s shake on it.”

The pair did. The fire commissioner said, “Toronto can now say they are called the Big Smoke because of all the legal pot.”

“I thought the slogan: You can do cannabis in Canada, was enticing enough.”

“The cannabis industry seems to use everything it can.”

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Capturing the Flame Tosser

Posted on 11 April 2020 by Larry Russwurm

“There aren’t enough cameras in this area in case the Flame Tosser gives you the slip,” said the image of Mother Earth on Near Absolute Hero‘s smart phone.

“Well get the spy satellite that you used to follow Varmint with.”

“Sure,” said Mother Earth and she disappeared for a moment.

When that moment was over she came back looking crestfallen and angry. “The damn Pentagon! They switched around everything. They must have known I was in the system a couple months ago using the spy telescope with Tail. It might take me hours to find the way the satellite is routed.”

“Near Absolute Hero, you’re on your own. Summon me if need be.” With that, Mother Earth was gone.

Near Absolute Hero walked up past the tree to the Flame Tosser’s townhome door and rang the bell. He put his thumb on the peephole so the serial arsonist would have to reveal himself to see who it was.

Eventually Near Absolute Hero heard footsteps and then a muttered curse before the door opened.

Hero and villain revealed themselves to each other. Near Absolute Hero said in a firm voice, “I need to ask you about some fires.”

Flame Tosser whirled and had his sparker ready.

Near Absolute Hero for a split second thought the villain was going to flee but remembered just in time to shoot his cold gun just as fire came out the villain’s butt. The fire went out as the temperature dropped drastically. The smell was atrocious.

Flame Tosser jumped away. “Whoo, that’s cold!” He continued running away through the townhome he was in.

Near Absolute Hero could hear the telltale sound of flames and jumped back a few feet. The tree which had been a few feet behind him had caught fire. Near Absolute Hero’s cold gun produced more heat out its back than cold out its front in obeying the laws of thermodynamics. He stepped back more feet and turned his cold gun on the fire. There was only open air behind him so it wouldn’t matter if he heated that up. The fire was out in seconds.

Flame Tosser had a good head start but Near Absolute Hero still had his wings. He flew over the townhome. On the other side was a well used trail going left and right. He went left because that seemed to be the most used end.

He flew as fast as he could and spotted Flame Tosser on the top stair going down into a subway station. Nervously Flame Tosser looked back to see his nemesis and sparked a sparker.

Near Absolute Hero used his cold gun to stop this flame, too. Flame Tosser went, “Whoo,” but it might as well have been a “Woohoo!” because Near Absolute Hero couldn’t use his power of cold down where the villain led and he’d probably need it in order to catch Flame Tosser. He was just left with the foul smell. He summoned Mother Earth and told her what he had found.

Mother Earth said, “All those subway entrances and exits have cameras. We’ll be able to track him.”

“But he’s too dangerous to alert the cops.”

“They have to deal with many things. I think a lone arsonist can be gotten.”

“Still it’s so frustrating,” muttered Near Absolute Hero.

“Do you know why he ran?”

“Because he’s guilty as hell!”

“Because as long as you were near, he was an absolute hero!” Mother Earth instantly guffawed and rolled around on the ground.

All Near Absolute Hero could get out was, “Jokes?!”

“Half of it is seeing your face,” said Mother Earth and she guffawed some more.

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Can’t Believe the Cannabis Edibles Ad Hasn’t Been Pulled Yet

Posted on 4 April 2020 by Larry Russwurm

Cannabis edibles have just become available in Canada. The government doesn’t think we understand the risks, yet. To help with this, the government has put out a cannabis edibles public service announcement ad.

The ad says in exactly the following order:

“Cannabis edibles aren’t as innocent as they look. Their high is unpredictable. And delayed. Help your kids understand the risks.”

So I told my kids Mopsy, Flopsy and Moxie, “The high of cannabis edibles is unpredictable. And delayed.”

Flopsy was the first to utter, “Oh, maaaannnn! What if I took them before my first period class, Ms. Megan’s grade 6 current events? You mean I wouldn’t be high for the class that I intended to be?”

“Yeah,” said Mopsy, his twin. “His favourite class is 2nd period. That would take him from being teacher’s pet to teacher’s whipping boy. And I’d be so embarrassed if the high lasted to 3rd period and my favourite class. Guess we’ll just have to suck it up and smoke some doobies like before.”

Moxie asked, “Does this mean that I won’t know if I’ll have the inescapable munchies because the high is unpredictable? What if I only have money for munchies or edibles but not both. Do you want me panhandling on the street?”

“Moxie,” I said, “you make a good point. If you only have edibles, the high might make you eat more edibles in an effort to quench the munchies but that will only make you more hungry. I will keep a munchies cupboard stocked for you three all in the interest of safety.

“I’m glad we had this talk, kids. The government was smart to try to spark conversations. A worthy ad buy as any I’ve ever seen.”

The preceding looks exactly like the conversation the government is expecting us to have. Did you notice how careful I was to use their wording? Now some may say this ad should be pulled. But it’s lasted this long so what do they know? It’s not like we’ve been severely distracted by something more important. Oh wait…

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