Change of Heart

Posted on 22 October 2016 by Larry Russwurm

changeofheart

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Justin Trudeau: Stephen Harper’s Enforcer

Posted on 15 October 2016 by Larry Russwurm

The boxing match between Justin Trudeau was officially for charity. It seems now in our time to represent the moment that Justin Trudeau became the enforcer for former Conservative leader, Stephen Harper.

We all know that Trudeau won.

jtboxing

Now, Justin Trudeau has climbed to the position of prime minister himself. With no one in the land having greater power, he has no problem of revoking citizenship of certain people. Indeed he has revoked more people’s citizenships in his short term in office than Harper did in his entire reign.

And Bill C-51 is still the law of the land in Canada despite almost entirely doing away with the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

Justin Trudeau is indeed the enforcer of Stephen Harper’s laws.

jtbotkickingoutcitizen

Despite these unpopular positions, Justin Trudeau remains unsullied due to the general belief in Canada that he is the “ ‘most progressive leader”. This statement is true, once you realize that the poetic apostrophe is a stand in for the letters al. Justin Trudeau is the “almost progressive leader” of Canada. A near miss is as good as a mile.

jtalmostahero

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Naming Animals by Sex That are Closest to Us

Posted on 9 October 2016 by Larry Russwurm

In English it seems that all the types of farm animals are named, like boar and sow, cow and bull, hen and rooster, goose and gander etc. But it is much more shocking when we look at the animals we are truly the closest with, cats and dogs. There is a definite inequality.

What leaps to mind first is that the female dog is called a bitch. That word has become one of the most insulting terms to people and is used largely against women. No one is flattered to be called a female dog it seems.

Why then is the female, of the other main pet to humans, called a queen? It is the ultimate thing to almost all little girls to be a princess. Being a queen is just the grown up version. Adult cats that haven’t been spayed are called queens.

Why is there such a discrepancy to humanity’s two favourite pets? In the war of words between dog lovers and cat lovers, it seems that cat lovers are far in the lead and have seemingly rigged the competition.

Well let’s look at the names for male pets. The female names were at the high and low end of the spectrum so the names of the males must be closer in meaning.

A male cat is called a tom. Much like the human male name, Tom. We feel for the male cat so much that we give it a human name.

So what is a male dog called? Well I don’t want to get too technical but the technical name is dog. What? Humanity thinks so lowly of male dogs that it hasn’t even given them a name? They gave male gooses a name! Maybe male dogs haven’t quite earned the right to a name yet.

So those dogs that guide the blind, save Timmy from the well, got the job of police dog, hunting dogs, other service dogs and even herding dogs are either nameless or bitches.

Where are the dog lovers of this world to protect the good names of dogs everywhere? Okay, perhaps the word bitch has become too entrenched. But they can at least give male dogs a name, finally. Pick a good name, dog lovers. Or else the English language will swallow this one opportunity and name male dogs, say, butches. Look how close that is to bitches.

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Don’t Cry for Venice

Posted on 24 September 2016 by Larry Russwurm

Well you can cry for Venice if you are a citizen of that fine city and it is completely submerged in a few years. But I, as a mere tourist with nothing of import in Venice, will not cry. Because Venice is just the first of many sinking cities.

No I don’t mean sinking like New Orleans or Venice. I mean cities that just stay at the same level while global warming makes the sea water rise. Basically almost any port city in the world will do.

Imagine taking a nice, calming gondola ride in Manhattan instead of those horribly obnoxious, always honking cabs. What a nice break between high stress meetings in that city.

Or you could take a gondola ride in Boston, Vancouver, Philadelphia, Liverpool, Washington, Rome, Cairo, Seattle, Rio de Janeiro, Miami, Sydney, Melbourne, really almost any coastal city because with global warming sea levels will probably rise by quite a large degree. There are going to be thousands of ‘Venices’. Maybe one will be on your closest sea coast.

We, as tourists, might not have to pay the fortune that gets to a particular area of Europe. Perhaps a few hundred miles away, no matter how landlocked you begin, there might be a ‘Venice’ within bussing distance.

This flooding of the market with ‘Venice’ after ‘Venice’ will of course make a Venice trip really inexpensive. As a tourist I think that is as it should be. Why can’t all the prime destinations have this much competition. I’m told that the Eiffel Tower and Big Ben are really inexpensive as far as landmarks go. Perhaps all of Europe could compete with knockoffs in each continent.

But I don’t intend to go to Las Vegas with their stunted Eiffel tower. They must be appealing to the cheapest of the cheap market. Let’s hope that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Regardless of the other knockoffs, at the present ignorance around global warming, there will be a thousand ‘Venices’ in the not so distant future.

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The Knights of the Square Tables

Posted on 10 September 2016 by Larry Russwurm

I see what you were doing there, King Arthur. Putting your knights at a round table so there is no special or more important position. What a political lesson that was, making all your knights feel equal.

But I have news for you, King Arthur. There is another way to make the knights feel equal. Just gather yourself and three other knights and put them at a square table. Tadah! There is no special seat and you and all your knights are apparently equal.

So to deal with a larger amount of knights it is best to have many square tables. And you must number your knights in multiples of four.

You see, a knight fresh from the battle and spying an empty seat at the square table is likely to put his dirty metal boots on the edge of a spare chair and this will break the elegance of the square tables. This knight is special and gets one chair for his butt and another for his feet. It will be hard to restore order after such an obvious faux pas. The only solution is to make sure your knights number in multiples of four.

So if only one of your knights has succumbed in a battle, it might be necessary to exclude three other knights from the square tables. Or, if the battles are ongoing, it might be a better idea to promote someone to the vacant knight spot. It all might be very awkward this promoting and demoting but at least you are doing it in the name of equality.

Then there is the awkwardness of who is speaking. Let’s say you put the king’s table in the centre of the square tables. Since he probably talks more this is a worthwhile idea. Everyone can best hear him when he is at the centre.

In fact let’s put the three other most important talkers at this middle table. This ensures that the knights can all hear the most important speakers.

But you cannot see all the knights in a square table array from the centre. So perhaps those favoured by the king should be placed so the king can see them most easily. The other three stations at the important table could do the same. But there has to be some sort of ranking.

The king of course gets his choice of knights. The second most important knight at the important centre table gets his choice also unless it conflicts with the king’s choice. We proceed similarly to the third and fourth most important knight at the centre table, the fourth knight getting the worst picks.

And that’s how you have equality, in multiples of four, with knights at an array of square tables.

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Embracing My Inner T-Rex

Posted on 3 September 2016 by Larry Russwurm

Over the last week I’ve tried to embrace my inner T-Rex. Try as I might, I just could not imagine that mighty tail properly. If humanity even had a slight tail I might have had some success. So my only hope is to logic out what a massive tail might do. The other physical trait that is very T-Rex was the tiny arms. To properly work this out I held my elbows to my body. I had some success.

I started dancing to see just what a puny armed T-Rex could do. I could hold my arms to the side just like any unimaginative dancer who only feels the beat with their lower body.

Then I tried the swim but could only eke out a dog paddle. I could only hold my nose shut if I kept my head down and forget extending your arm along the vertical – above your head.

I could kind of do that Indian dance where they screw in the light bulb. But realistically I knew I could never screw in a light bulb that was above my head. Just medium level lamps, thank you very much.

I was really thinking about arm movements so I looked at that sport that uses the arms as weapons – boxing. It was then that I realized I couldn’t punch my opponent in the head. Just the chest and the stomach. There would be no knockout punches from me. Maybe I could punch real fast in the chest and stomach and thus win a match on points. But if I couldn’t attack my opponent’s head, I couldn’t guard my own. Let’s just hope my opponent can’t give me a concussion.

Maybe somehow I could communicate with my hands. Flag signaling is out because I don’t have the reach as a T-Rex. But maybe those puny arms have capable hands that can make the signals of sign language. Maybe T-Rex could communicate with its pack that way and somehow down some prey.

Then the aha moments came. I actually should have gotten this from the dance segment of my mental journey. T-Rex is lousy at almost all arm movements except the bunny hop. Maybe that way it would be a fearsome predator. Humour me for a moment.

With its hands in the bunny hop position, T-Rex could settle its legs and powerful tail really low. Then it could spring from that position into a mighty hop. Now you know dinosaurs are called Thunder Lizards because of the imagination of their loud steps. What would we call the noise made from these powerful jumps of T-Rex? I suggest that T-Rex now be called king of the sonic booms.

Imagine a pack of T-Rexes making sonic booms with every leap they make in pursuit of some poor beast. There would be two ways to make the kill. The T-Rexes could jump close enough to the prey to bite it mortally. It’s puny arms couldn’t help in this because they are too puny. The other way would be to land on the prey, thus crushing it. This is a more easily imagined telling of T-Rex’s mastery over the other dinosaurs than exists in most science books. And with that thought I have finished embracing my inner T-Rex.

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I Have the Wishy Washiest Cat in the World

Posted on 20 August 2016 by Larry Russwurm

My cat, Bast, goes “Meow,” then “Mow,” then “Mrow,” then “Purr,” to cement the title of the wishy washiest cat in the world. Just kidding. It’s a little more involved than that.

I have just started studying Desmond Morris’ “Catwatching”, in which he tries to give a little insight into the character of a cat from its actions. Of import to me and my claims was his bit on why a cat twitches it’s tail back and forth.

It all seems to stem from balancing. As a cat balances on a slim rail or what have you, its tail twitches back and forth in an effort to help balance the cat. Leaning to one side makes the tail twitch to a first side and leaning another way the tail twitches to the other side. The twitching occurs as the cat makes a decision on which way to lean. Each twitch represents a different side.

So in non balancing times one twitch of the tail represents one side of a decision and the other twitch represents the other side of a decision. So, as this explanation goes, a cat twitching its tail back and forth is trying to make a decision.

For those of you who don’t know about my cat, Bast, she twitches her tail back and forth all day long. I’ve even blogged about it for she seems to keep the beat of certain songs with her twitching tail.

Anyways if waving a cat’s tail back and forth represents indecisiveness, my cat would win in any test of wishy washiness. The only possibility for any other cat to be in the running for wishy washiest cat in the world, would be if another cat also waved their tail back and forth all day long. Then it would come down to the beat. So any contenders out there had better wave their tail back and forth at a rate that is faster than the beat to The Scientist by Coldplay. That beat is the first one I noticed my Bast waving her tail to the beat so I figure that is closest to her natural rhythmic speed.

In all other outcomes I have the wishy washiest cat in the world. Thank you Desmond Morris for making me realize this.

But I wonder what she is deciding. Sometimes I imagine what her little brain is being wish washy about. “To. Fro. Goodbye. Hello. Fast. Slow. Stop. Go. High. Low.” Is she writing a Beatles song?

Sometimes my imagination of her wishy washiness gets darker. “I love my owner, today,” Might be fighting with, “Just wait until he falls asleep. I’ll rip his throat out then. The nerve of him giving me 2 treats today when yesterday I got 4.” I may never know what my cat is thinking. But who cares? She’s so wishy washy that I don’t want to know.

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Family Feud Super Families

Posted on 6 August 2016 by Larry Russwurm

It just occurred to me that perhaps the ultimate Family Feud battle could involve the Sharp family. Indeed I would probably bet on this name of family until either they lost or they ended up in a duel with the Smart family.

Then reason took hold and I realized that Family Feud is not a test of the intelligence of a family but rather a test of the averageness of the family.

So indeed I would be better off betting on the Mode family (as long as they were mean, anyways) and I would follow them, betting on them all the while until perhaps they encountered the Median family. If the Medians were mean it would be a push on how I should bet. But if anyone of the Medians or Modes had someone named Norm, it would be that family that I would bet on.

And if I lost in all my betting, it would just go to show you that the world we are living in is simply ironic.

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Attention Pokemon Go Players

Posted on 23 July 2016 by Larry Russwurm

Lift your eyes from your smart phone long enough to read this. I have invented a temporary tattoo designed to go on top of your eyelid that looks exactly like your eye. So your eyebrow will look like the upper eyelashes and your true upper and lower eyelashes will simply look like your lower eyelashes. Of course this works best if you have a low brow. I call them eye stamp tattoos.

eyestamptattoosI have gone through fifteen prototypes and a couple prototype testers but now these really work and look like your real eyes from all directions. Choose from blue, green, dark brown and light brown. I know there are other eye colours but I have only so much money from my kickstarter.

It even comes with official answers if you are questioned. Choose from “The light was green when I entered the intersection,” or “I thought you beckoned me onto your private property,” or “Blinking is for wimps,” or “Yes, I saw him murder her,” (which is guaranteed to get you out of any court case unless of course a male really did murder a female.)

They are only $15.99 and I suggest you don’t apply both eyes at the same time. If you manage to tattoo your eye, rather than face responsibility, this company will shut down immediately. Admit it, those are the type of odds you are willing to take. Or maybe it’s the possibility of seeing a less bright friend in a comical situation that makes you purchase our product. Buy our Eye Stamp Tattoos now!

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Watch Those Ultimate Words

Posted on 16 July 2016 by Larry Russwurm

The Globe and Mail likes to think of itself as the intellectual national newspaper of Canada. I could get on board with that. Too bad it’s simply not true.

Here is an article where I am quite sure their science reporter screwed up. About the Canadian-led discovery of a dwarf planet a ways past Pluto, the reporter felt he should go with the use of a ultimate word like ever. He calls the discovery “the largest celestial object ever discovered by a Canadian-led team”.

I have some aptitude in astronomy and have been to the David Dunlap Observatory in Richmond Hill, north of Toronto. Their largest telescope is 74 inches in diameter and when it was built it was the second largest telescope in the world. How does this relate?

Wherever this Canadian telescope looked that the largest telescope didn’t look it was seeing dimmer stars and galaxies and even supernovae in other galaxies, that couldn’t be seen before.

Now I hate to burst Ivan Semeniuk’s bubble but stars, galaxies and supernovae are all much bigger than a mere dwarf planet. The only way I see for Canadian-led teams in the thirties and onward not having discovered something bigger than this new dwarf planet, was if David Dunlap observatory were always run by a non Canadian national.

The problem with ultimate words is that you have to think of everything to make sure you are using them correctly. Think before using ultimate words or you too could become a casualty of a debate.

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