Plotters and Pantsers

Posted on 4 November 2023 by Larry Russwurm

There are two major types of writers. Pantsers write by the seat of their pants and even they don’t know what happens next. Plotters move from one stage to another, always seemingly knowing what is coming up next.

If writing a book was murder, pantsers would be second degree murderers who only come up with that decision in the heat of the moment. Plotters would be first degree murderers, who carefully plan their moves with the intent of outwitting the police. Or home detectives if that is the goal.

But wait. Writers do commit murders as a matter of course. Without any tears shed by them, they blatantly kill off characters in their books. Indeed, maybe the characters lost to editing, might be called manslaughter to get the full range of killers in this essay.

First degree murderers are the most feared. Precisely because they plan. If they are good enough planners they might get away with it and be on to their second, third and fourth murders.

Second degree murderers are hotheads who seemingly demand a high degree of respect. Despite the fact that you seemingly have to tiptoe around these people the most, they aren’t considered the worst by society. That’s because you don’t know who a first degree murderer is and although you probably should tiptoe around them as well, you don’t know who it is you need to tiptoe around.

We’ve all read books where someone you like dies. The real killer is of course the writer. The writer thought they were throwaway enough to not be necessary to the penultimate ending.

With the pantser, you can get mad at them all you want. They will laugh in your face. That’s just the way things are, they might tell you. Life is fundamentally a game of chance. And that is represented in their story.

But with the plotter, you know that the plotter deliberately made you care about the individual that they knew must be killed. It was in the plan all along. If you complain they might take it out on a character in their next book, the one after that or even after that.

So obviously the plotter is worse. But beware, The plotter may know this and always say s/he’s a pantser in order to curry some favour with her/his disappointed readers. These are obviously the worst writers of all. Unmasking them, however, is the hard part. Indeed, all pantser writers may be fiction, brought in as an idea just to make plotters not look so bad.

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The Horror of Febreze

Posted on 28 October 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Just like McDonald’s in the past, Febreze carefully watches their language.

What was/is McDonald’s guilty of in their advertisements? It’s “made with 100% pure beef,” for its hamburgers.

Now obviously a burger isn’t all beef. There are the bun and condiment parts of the burger. That’s why they have the “made with” part.

But the patty isn’t 100% pure beef either because McDonald’s for sure adds salt to their meat which a simple taste can easily show. It’s likely that they add binder/filler, possibly eggs, as well. As long as they add 100% pure beef to this other stuff, they haven’t lied in their advertisements.

Similarly, Febreze “eliminates odours”. Febreze doesn’t eliminate 100% of odours. It “eliminates odours”. This could mean it eliminates 5% of odours or 95% of odours. We don’t really know, because Febreze never tells us.

Because they are watching their language it is kind of hard to tell. But I’m willing to meet Febreze halfway and say that their product eliminates 50% of odours.

Which explains why they never release an unscented version of their product. If they did, we would be able to tell easily that this product doesn’t get rid of all odours. The scent covers up what ever odours haven’t been eliminated.

And an unscented odour eliminator would be a guaranteed seller. There are large amounts of people who are bothered by the scents of certain products. They would buy the scent free odour eliminator in droves. If it got rid of all odour.

Also, Febreze uses the term “noseblind” in other ads. That’s when, through long exposure, you become immune to certain odours. Well I can easily think up a scary Halloween horror story for this.

What if our farts don’t dissipate, what if we just become noseblind to them? That would mean that every fart we’ve made in our current house is still there.

Yes, I know if we go out for a few hours, then come back inside, most odours that we are noseblind to will come back, and we’ll notice them again. Maybe it just takes longer for us to become aware of old farts again. Maybe it takes years.

But wouldn’t that mean that outside visitors would smell the built up farts immediately after coming over to our home?

Well they fart too and the buildup of farts in their house might average out to the same smell as the buildup of farts in our house, So we are mutually noseblind to the smell.

Now if an alien came to our door, his first words would be “Your place stinks really, really badly. So badly in fact that I have to leave!”

Ever notice that haunted houses are inevitably old houses. Maybe the buildup of enough bad farts becomes a truly evil spirit and that’s why those places are haunted. And maybe, just maybe for a haunting, you might be able to get rid of it with a few squirts of Febreze. I can see it now. Every exorcist needs Febreze. Maybe that could be their next slogan.

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Behind the Nanny State

Posted on 21 October 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Many have called the governments that have the British monarch as their head of state, nanny states. In their rush to help the health and safety of its citizens, it is believed these governments have trampled on some of the freedoms of citizenry. Just note that the word nanny is mostly considered to be a feminine name and a feminine job. Is all this an accident?

Since 1837, Queen Victoria has ruled about 63 ½ years and Queen Elizabeth II has ruled about 70 years. Over 186 years, women have ruled 133.5 years. That means men have ruled just 52.5 years in that time. 72% of the time women have ruled. Only 28% of the time men have ruled.

So the state has become feminized since 1837. No wonder why the nanny state became so big. It’s just what a lot of women do.

But wait! The British Monarchy is set to have its next three monarchs be men. Charles, our current king is considered to be a man by many. Of course he probably only has 20 years left as monarch before William takes over. Then William likely rules for another 30 years. Then George will likely rule for 40 years more. I’m assuming a greater than 90 years life span for all of them. So that’s a 90 year rule of men.

Perhaps after all that male rule, the countries with the British monarchy as head of state, will no longer be nanny states.

But something has shifted. For the birth of William’s kids, it was decided that the first born would be monarch no matter their sex. George just happened to be male. If Charlotte had been first born, She would have made it so there would just be two generations of kings in a row.

Anyhow, there should be a roughly 50/50 chance of males and females being first born in the British monarchy. But on average, females live longer. So I strongly suspect there will be more years of female rule as opposed to male rule.

Expect the nanny state to endure. So remember don’t smoke, don’t vape, don’t drink and don’t cannabis. Then if you’re good they’ll let you caffeine.

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Septemberfest

Posted on 14 October 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Oktoberfest began as a party to celebrate the marriage of Bavarian royalty in Munich in 1810. The marriage occurred on October 12 but the partying continued for the next few days. The participants had so much fun that they decided to do it again the next year, then the next year, etc.

Eventually the participants and organizers lost enough brain cells that they thought, “ You know what would make Oktoberfest even better? If it was in September so we had even better weather!” So it was moved to mid September to the first Sunday in October.

That’s how Munich’s Oktoberfest went, anyhow.

Kitchener- Waterloo’s Oktoberfest in Canada was made to wrap around Canadian Thanksgiving. The second Monday in October (Canadian Thanksgiving) was the center of the two weekends and one week of partying. This K-W Oktoberfest went as 9 days of partying for many years.

But too much beer drinking eventually led to two factions developing. One faction said let’s keep up the original Canadian Oktoberfest. While another said, let’s imitate the Munich Oktoberfest better and have a Septemberfest, too!

The Septemberfest makes more sense, some say. The weather is nicer. Did I mention dead brain cells from drinking too much beer? So that faction still calls it Oktoberfest.

The main takeaway from this is that K-W Oktoberfest now runs longer than the Munich one. With four weekends, because both factions are still present in K-W, it’s a longer festival than the busier Munich one.

I think there should be truth in advertising and both large Oktoberfests should be called Septemberfest-Oktoberfest.

*

Speaking of names, in Southern Ontario, this year, we had a proper Summer Echo. Early fall contained a week or more of summer like temperatures. I’m a stickler for Summer Echoes. I believe we must be officially out of summer for the term to be applied properly.

Summer Echo used to be called Indian Summer. To not offend the sub continent of India, which has nothing to do with our weather in the great lakes region, we could call it Indigenous Summer. But then we might be offending the indigenous of this same great lake region. So with me, anyhow, Summer Echo has stuck.

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Meta Force vs Mother Earth Force

Posted on 7 October 2023 by Larry Russwurm

The Big Smoke’s fire chief had a direct line to Near Absolute Hero. On this fateful day, Near Absolute Hero answered, “Where is the emergency?”

“It’s not quite an emergency, yet. I have a group of masked and caped people demanding to speak with Mother Earth Force. There are four of them and they say they can beat mother earth force into submission! They call themselves Meta Force.”

“Are they evil?”

“They must be, with what they say they want to do with you. They are chanting various things outside the fire Headquarters now.”

“Are they destroying things or slowing any fire trucks?”

“No. But we’re not sure how long their good behaviour might last.”

Near Absolute Hero alerted the rest of Mother Earth Force and three of them arrived at Fire HQ with Mother Earth being present on various computers in the immediate area.

Meta Force stood arms akimbo in a line, their capes flapping in the light breeze. All four were head to toe in the different colours of red, blue, orange and green but with matching black masks.

“Mother Earth Force,” the red Meta Force speaker piped up loud enough for everyone to hear, “we intend to demolish you in a game of metaphors and similes.”

“My ears,” cried Tail. “I can’t unhear that pun!”

“Nevertheless,” said the blue Meta Force man, “you will come up with a metaphor or simile in the category we will have the fire chief draw.”

“You are wasting our valuable time.” declared Mother Earth from the closest laptop. The fireman with the computer obliged and he showed the screen to Meta Force. “We demand that you only do one round and if we tie you we will see it as a win for ourselves.”

“Fine,” said the orange woman of Meta Force. “If we tie we will see it as our own victory. Begin!”

The fire chief drew from folded papers inside a fire hat. He pulled one, opened it and read, “Pop music. Meta Force begins.”

The green man of Meta Force sang, “Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.” The 70s Kansas song was recognized by some of those present.

The fire chief said, “Next,” and pointed at Near Absolute Hero. He went, “uh, uh, Love is like oxygen, you get too much you get too high, not enough and your gonna die.” The Sweet song stopped when the simile was done.

“Next,” the chief pointed at the red Meta Force man who sang, “I want to be your sledge hammer.” He sung the Peter Gabriel song while staring at Modern Ninja.

“Next,” the chief pointed at Modern Ninja who sang, “I’m just looking for one divine hammer, I’d bang it all day.” She sang the snippet of the Breeders song while looking at Near Absolute Hero.

“You,” said the chief pointing at the blue Meta Force man who sang, “I came in like a wrecking ball , I never hit so hard in love, all I wanted was to break your walls”. The Miley Cyrus song was known by all.

“Tail’s turn,” said the chief. Tail sang, “You’re a sky full of stars because you light up the path.” He could have went further with the Coldplay song but instead the chief said, “Next!”

The orange woman said “Coldplay, huh?” then she sung “You, you are my universe, and I just want to put you first.”

The chief went. “And Mother Earth wherever you are, you’re next!”

From all of the computers within earshot, they could here Mother Earth sing, “Bloodsucker, dream crusher, bleeding me dry like a ) @ ^^ ^ vampire.” The Olivia Rodrigo song then fell to silence.

“We all win!” shouted the orange woman.

The fire chief said, “No! Meta Force said they could beat Mother Earth Force into submission. They have failed.”

With that, Mother Earth Force dispersed. The heads of Meta Force hung dejectedly.

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For the Love of Life, Keep Eddie Vedder Away From Drugs!

Posted on 30 September 2023 by Larry Russwurm

As much as I would like Eddie Vedder’s death certificate to say he died of old age, the death certificates of other Seattle front men and grunge front men did not. All the biggest acts I’m aware of that were from Seattle or were grunge related no longer have a lead singer, excepting Pearl Jam.

Starting with the grunge bands, Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots died of an accidental drug overdose. Layne Staley of Alice in Chains died of a heroin and cocaine mix. The other deaths are a bit more complex. With the drug part of the equation being a bit less obvious.

Chris Cornell of Soundgarden officially died of hanging. He had 4 times a normal dosage of Ativan in his system. 6 times the normal dosage can have the side effect of suicidal thoughts. It is possible that Chris Cornell had the thoughts on a slightly lower dose than is considered normal. His death, too, could be tied to drugs.

Kurt Cobain’s death has inspired many conspiracy theories. There’s no way I can get to them all, here. The Nirvana front man likely shot himself while on morphine, valium and a large dose of heroin. Just know that drugs were involved. And a few weeks before this he had been hospitalized for taking 50 painkillers that some believe was an earlier suicide attempt. Drugs were definitely involved.

Another huge Seattle singer was Jimi Hendrix. It is believed he died after taking 18 times the recommended dosage of sleeping pills and aspirated his own vomit and died of asphyxia. However the coroner declared an open verdict due to a lack of evidence.

Grunge, Seattle and Drugs seem to mix with lethal consequences for lead singers. Eddie Vedder, as the last one standing, I hope his friends family, Pearl Jam and bodyguards take note.

If I were Vedder’s body guard I would keep him away from second hand smoke. Eddie is supposed to have stayed away from smoking his whole life, so I’d be damned if second hand smoke were to take him out now. Anyone who started smoking around him would get the smoke slapped off his face and I would steer Eddie away from any smoking area.

Every time I saw Vedder with a coffee in his hands, I’d slap it to the ground and say “Say no to drugs, Mr. Vedder, sir!” Hopefully his foot wasn’t burned. I’d also do the same if he had an energy drink, tea, or cola in his hand.

And if I were to hear him say, “There’s nothing like a beer on a hot day,” I’d give him my angry glare and say, “There’s nothing like air conditioning on a hot day.” Then I would steer him inside to air conditioning and if that also protected him from skin cancer, well then so be it.

Eddie Vedder, you’ve been the exception to the rule so far. Let’s keep going with that.

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Ford Flip Flops

Posted on 23 September 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Doug Ford is a known flip flopper. First he wasn’t going to develop Ontario’s greenbelt. Then he was going to develop it come hell or high water. If a developer crony of his became a billionaire, so be it. Then when he flip flopped the other day after a bad time in the press and after 3 resignations because of it, we’re supposed to believe he has flip flopped for the final time on this issue.

How can we the public, make sure this is his final flip flop on the issue? Maybe we can sell it as the patriotic thing to do.

You see, the flower of Ontario and the most often used symbol in Ontario propaganda is the trillium. Which is so named because it is a 3 petaled flower.

We can just say that like a patriotic Ontarian, Doug Ford was just playing I Love the Greenbelt/I Hate the Greenbelt on a trillium as a way to give him definitive answers on the subject. He started with I Love the Greenbelt. And like any truly patriotic Ontarian, he also ended with I Love the Greenbelt on the third and final petal. We can just ignore his I Hate the Greenbelt on his second petal that he agreed with many times and quite loudly.

So not only has Doug Ford canned his aggression against the Greenbelt, he did it in a way that seems patriotic.

Of course some Ontarians may find it offensive that he destroyed a trillium in this process, too. I guess you just can’t win for flip flopping.

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Dystopias Over Utopias?

Posted on 16 September 2023 by Larry Russwurm

It seems to me there is a predilection in modern science fiction to discount all utopias but not to do the same with the dystopias. While I agree that utopias are generally out of reach for societies, there seems to be no balancing idea that dystopias are also out of reach. Indeed, they seem quite obtainable if you are to listen to a lot science fiction.

Personally, I think utopias and dystopias are both out of the question for our society in any near future. The first is too perfect and the latter is too imperfect. What isn’t out of the question is improving and failing societies. Again I think people tend to latch onto the failing societies as the way things are going and dismiss improving societies as impossible fluff.

I think that this is largely the triumph of cynicism over intellectualism. This is where the cynics are considered realistic and thus more important than the intellectuals.

I think that the truth of the matter is that cynicism is easier. It is easier to point out problems than to actually fix them. The intellectual not only thinks of the problem, they provide a possible fix to the problem as well and that is harder. This is why I believe intellectuals deserve praise over cynics. As such I prefer the more optimistic entries in science fiction.

But probably the main reason that I would wish to see dystopian science fiction wiped out as much as possible is because politicians keep trying to use the worst of dystopian SF as something to aspire to. We don’t want big brother and we don’t want the handmaid’s tale. But we are at the risk of getting both at the same time! Some politicians do want this, and are too stupid to think of how to run such a society. So they are inspired by dystopian SF. Quit providing a blueprint!!!!!

If the politicians are successful, then the cynics can say their SF foresaw the future accurately. Which gives them even more street cred. This is why we must say intellectualism over cynicism, improving societies over failing societies and even utopias over dystopias!

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Don’t Believe We’ve Been on the Moon?

Posted on 9 September 2023 by Larry Russwurm

I could try to lead you to that revelation. Like saying we can easily see satellites circling and the International Space Station, if you cared to actually observe. Getting to the moon is only a couple steps beyond this.

But instead I will say mankind still hasn’t scaled Everest. After all, the air has to be so thin up there that they’d need to carry oxygen tanks up there with them. And amongst all their other equipment they’d have to take, it would all be too heavy to scale with. I know there are stories about expeditioners ditching spent oxygen tanks. But that just means they had to carry up more than one. Which gets heavier and more unwieldy. To me, the math just doesn’t work out.

So what was that kerfuffle in 1953 with Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay? Why they were just the first two to officially give up for the reasons cited above. Instead they partied at base camp and got their made up stories straight.

They decided how long it should take to make it up with all the equipment they’d need. Every step of the story was worked out, and when they got back, the public accepted the story like prime grade suckers.

Have you dreamed of heckling the Moon walkers live and in person? Only 12 people have supposed to have walked on the moon. By comparison, about 400 mountain climbers say they attempt to scale Everest in 1 year. Your chances of meeting an Everest climber is much bigger than a moon walker. So heckle the Everest climbers.

But why was Edmund Hillary met with such a positive response? Because his plan for the Everest climbers to just party at base camp saved many lives. Thus he was knighted.

Now there are a lot of true believers. What if one of them goes to the Everest base camp and doesn’t want to pretend? Those are the ones who climb up but never come down. That’s what they get for being a true believer.

Harsh? Yes. But the whole story of Everest is harsh. It’s a story of man against nature, where nature should win. But thankfully the ranks of the true believers becomes smaller every year. As evidenced by the way a higher percentage of the climbers make it every year.

Don’t believe we’ve made it to the moon? Well don’t try to entertain me with your mountain climbing stories.

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When ‘Champion of the World’ Doesn’t Mean ‘Champion of the World’

Posted on 2 September 2023 by Larry Russwurm

For ease of understanding, let’s look at the champion of the 100 meter run or what is known as ‘the fastest man in the world’.

Usually the winner of the world championships or, if it’s in the correct year, the winner of the Olympics, carries the title of fastest man in the world. But really, it’s more a rock/paper/scissors type of thing. There might be the “usual” winner at the various track meets around the world. But some of those events are won by others as well.

Say one of those competitors wins more often with a strong wind at his back. And another competitor wins against a strong wind. And yet another competitor would likely win but he usually gets two false starts and is kicked out of competition. There we have 4 possible winners of the 100 meters. On any given day, any one of them could win. The fastest man in the world is a toss up.

They don’t have a 100 meter speed skating event, but if they did, the champion would be faster than the 100m runner. If there were a 100 meter cycling event, that competitor would likely easily beat the 100m runner. And fastest of all at 100m would be the downhill skiers. You may object to these 3 because they use cycles, skates and skis, machinery that makes them go faster. But we could object to the starting blocks and even running shoes of the 100m runners for the same reason.

To get a new slate of winners in the 100m, we could just put some hurdles on the track. Suddenly the contenders for fastest man in the world would look different. The top hurdlers would now be the fastest men in the world.

Using steroids is known as cheating in sport. But that should mean nothing when we are talking about the fastest man in the world. Ben Johnson was the fastest man in the world in the 1988 Olympics when he won the 100m in the fastest time. Of course his time was thrown out when it was found he was using steroids. There is no argument that he wasn’t the fastest. Of course he was.

But probably the biggest reason that champion of the world doesn’t mean champion of the world is that the champion hasn’t really been pitted against 7 billion other people on earth. Each one of these may have become faster, for instance, if they had been trained from early on with all the best coaches and equipment and resources.

For instance, in the 1976 summer Olympics in Montreal and the 1988 winter Olympics in Calgary, Canada failed to pick up any gold medals. So money was thrown at the athletes in the years preceding the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. In those winter Olympics Canada won 14 gold medals. I believe that was a record for the winter games.

All of this is why the champion of the world is not necessarily the champion of the world.

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