The Ultimate in Anti Intellectuals – Cats

Posted on 19 January 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I just got a new cat. A pretty black cat that goes by the name of Bast. She is roughly a year and a half old and I welcome her into my life. There’s just one thing. I forgot how anti intellectual cats are.

If you don’t believe me try reading a book in the presence of a cat. Whatever the cat is doing it will stop that and come over to you. You think the cat just wants to be petted. Since you have two hands you think you can pet with one and hold the book with the other.

But the cat is insistent and constantly gets between you and the book or even e reader. You push the cat out of the way many times. Finally you give up for a moment and set the reading material down. What does the cat do immediately? It lies on the book or e reader. With no hope left of reading, you pet the cat – just as that feline wanted you to.

I don’t know how cats figured out literacy is tied tightly to reading and writing. But figure it out they did. And they’ve been sabotaging increased literacy ever since.

Still don’t believe me? Just try to read or write on a computer as I’m doing right now. It won’t be long now. Bast will spy me at work, concentrating not on her but a screen. She will climb on my lap. Stupidly I will pat her there not thinking of past experience. It will happen that she will get between me and the screen. I will push her out of the way but she knows the game is to go back. And if I am writing she will step on a few random keys to make things even harder for me.

I think cats are anti intellectual because all they need from us is food and someone to change the kitty litter. And given enough mice in the area, cats will end up feeding themselves. So us human owners of cats are just litter changers.

You don’t have to be literate to change kitty litter and cats know this. In fact the more literate you are, cats know that you are even more likely not to want to change litter. So there you have it.

But a lucky 1/1000th of a percent will be so literate that they will know how to train the cat from going in the litter and get it instead to go in the toilet. In my time between cats, I did not bother to learn and memorize those strategies that get a cat to use the toilet.

My time frittered away, I know I have a life stuck with cleaning the kitty litter forever more. And I know if I call up the web pages in the presence of my cat, she will instantly get in my way.

But wait. What will happen if my cat discovers I wrote this? The only good thing about the anti intellectualism is that they are anti intellectual in regards to themselves, too. So she may ignore this warning to the outside world. Uh oh, I hear tiny footste

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Stories that are Setting Driven

Posted on 14 January 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Fiction writing has long been divided into the two areas of Genre fiction and Literary fiction. It has been said that one of the contrasting features of these two areas is that Genre fiction is plot driven and Literary fiction is character driven.

Now this isn’t always the case. Some Genre fiction is more about character and some Literary fiction revels in plot. But as a rule of thumb, a lot of the times it is the case.

I would like to propose a third driver of fiction, one that I am especially interested in. That is the setting driven story. It is not a new story type, in my mind many stories already have been written using it. That whole “sense of wonder” thing that is big in science fiction might, in many cases, have been the most significant part of research and speculation and even driver of the story. In other stories, if the main conflict can be thought of as being ‘Man vs. Nature’ a case can be given for it being a setting based story.

Stories I’d suggest as being setting driven might include Larry Niven’s Neutron Star or Charles G. D. Roberts’ The Blackwater Pot. There may be other conflicts in these examples, but let me suggest that the Man vs. Nature one is the most important.

But setting is a where, how can that truly drive a story? Let’s make a setting or landscape based metaphor. Say the lead character is a ball. And all the other characters and plot devices are mounds or depressions. Drop the ball onto the landscape at the beginning and the story comes out of the ball rolling depending on those mounds and depressions. The ball always rolls from higher to lower unless it has enough momentum to surmount smaller mounds. Eventually the ball will come to a halt. That can be an ending.

It’s like a machine. The higher to lower thing is setting. It moves everything and characters and plot devices just deflect or attract – they don’t define the whole landscape. The story is driven by the higher to lower thing. There really is only one path and at the ending you might see this. In Neutron Star, the hero must figure out what killed the passengers of an earlier expedition or die himself.

Figuring things out about the blackwater pot is the thing that allows the hero to live long enough in The Blackwater Pot. That is until the setting creates a storm and allows him to live. Afterwords he’s more afraid of the ‘pot’ than the bad guys.

A true understanding of your setting can save your life.

And indeed whole fiction classifications can be defined by setting. There is the obvious Western. If it’s taking place in the future, odds are it’s science fiction. If it takes place in a specific point in the past, it is a period piece.

So what has this to do with anything? I have every intention of publishing some science fiction that is setting driven. I care very much.

But since starting this blog 2 years ago, my productivity in the fiction writing has largely dried up. I’m thinking of dropping down to a post a week so fiction writing and other endeavours might increase. If you happen to notice that drop off, ask me about my science fiction.

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Poor Harper – He’s Jonesing Right Now

Posted on 11 January 2012 by Larry Russwurm

It’s been about 8 months. Or 254 days. That’s about 6 096 hours. Poor Stephen Harper. That’s how long it’s been since he’s run an attack ad.

Who could have foreseen it? Both major opposition parties being leaderless this long. The Liberal thing might have been expected – they went from being the 2nd place party to 3rd. But who foresaw the untimely death of Jack Layton, leader of the New Democrat Party?

Harper is jonesing and it shows. Pass this half @$$ed bill. Pass that half @$$ed bill. Let’s omnibus some together. Let’s omnibus a lot together. Stack the senate even more to ensure ease of passage in a speedy time. His make work for himself project probably helps a little in this trying time.

Anything to take poor Harper’s mind off the fact there are no attack ads on TV about even one of his opponents. His cabinet has stood firm. No attack ads against the Greens leader Elizabeth May because that’s a way of admitting the Greens are a real party.

When, oh when will the Liberals and New Democrats pass all the hurdles and other rigamarole on the way to attaining a new leader?

And you know Harper wants to start. He now has two leaders he needs to denigrate before a national audience. As soon as he had the current majority, you know he was looking ahead to what it will take to get a second majority. That massive Conservative war chest better be big enough to attack two opposition leaders for about 3 years. Because as soon as he can, Harper will begin.

And attack ads at all times of the year pay off. It worked for Harper getting him into government and then again to getting his majority last time around. It even worked for the provincial Liberals in Ontario who softened up Tim Hudak of the Progressive Conservatives before the official election began. Dalton McGuinty fell short of a majority by one seat, but that’s good enough to govern for the time being.

Of course Harper likes to attack. Why else have pitbull John Baird in the cabinet these many years? Why else would he sully the reputation of Stephane Dion, then Michael Ignatieff and even toward the end of last election, Jack Layton? I think it’s a stress release for Harper.

He needs his fix but he is going to have to wait even longer. Because you see, at this stage no one feels like being kind to Harper.

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An Offbeat Strategy for an Offbeat Party

Posted on 7 January 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Update: I was down Bleams Road today (January 22) and the sign is down. Which is too bad, really, because I might have done another post by getting a group of people around the sign, holding up their index finger as part of the one sign campaign I envisioned for the Greens. Did someone actually read this site and then pull the sign down? I like to think so. Because I didn’t get a picture of the sign with a snowy landscape, I have no proof that it was up as late as January. Did the sign exist and what is reality? Only I and the sign taker know for sure.

I was under the impression that in Canada, after a federal election, signs must come down. But the federal election took place on May 2, 2011 – some 7 months ago, and Albert Ashley’s sign on Bleams Road in Kitchener by the train tracks is still up.

I would have snapped a picture for this post, but only infrequently do I travel Bleams Road and of course I had no camera with me yesterday when I spotted it.

I think the sign being up is no accident. Albert Ashley was the Green Party candidate and I suspect they are trying unconventional strategies to get somewhere in our first past the post system where the majority of votes can be considered meaningless.

Here’s what I think. They are directly trying to compete with the mega wealth of the Conservative Party that slags other leaders in their negative campaigns. These campaigns don’t respect the former laws against electioneering outside of election windows. The Greens have found a cheap way to positively campaign for their guy outside the campaign – just leave up the election sign.

But then, wait, why didn’t the Greens leave up all their signs from the last federal election? I think they are showing their hand for subsequent elections. One solitary sign shows that they are being good for the environment. Congratulations Green Party. I’m glad you are thinking so seriously about your carbon footprint.

Indeed they probably hope that the single sign will create such buzz in my community that it will be worth the hundreds, even thousands of signs the other political parties will use. Indeed, I’ve begun buzzing on this blog site and who knows what other local sites will follow. Maybe the mass media will get involved at some point – especially when the next federal election begins.

Don’t waiver Greens, even if the other parties call you out for sign pollution at out of bounds times. There will be people jealous of this strategy so even if some government officials talk fines, ignore them. Greens can rally around that one lone sign. If they pull it up, replace it with a new one and say the authorities are forcing you to pollute more.

Reuse is one step above recycle. Green power!

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The Leap Week Calendar

Posted on 4 January 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Imagine that you have a birthday on a Monday. ‘Fine’ you sputter on that Monday morning ‘at least I have almost equal odds of getting a birthday on a Sunday or a Saturday’. But you’ve been hearing rumours of a new leap week calendar system that begins next year. So you go online to discover that next year’s birthday will be on a Monday. And the year after that and the year after that. You hate Mondays because that is the beginning of the work week and thus a lousy day for your birthday. And now the world has locked you into this in perpetuity.

Let’s say you have a birthday on a 13th of the month. Now you’ve sometimes had that day as a Friday, and thus the unlucky Friday the 13th. But you take the lumps as they are infrequent. But now you might discover that your birthday is a Friday the 13th every year. What do you do?

The year as we know it has 52 weeks and about 1 ¼ days in it. That ¼ day has roughly meant leap years every 4 years (with the exception of century years unless they are every 400 years).

That 1 ¼ extra day that’s not in a week can be used to form leap weeks if we add them up over 5 or 6 years. Thus we have the leap week calendar.

Right there we have another disadvantage to leap weeks – it’s more complicated to remember. You could have some scheme where leap weeks are 6 years then 5 years then 6 years then 5 years then 6 years apart, whereupon you could start at the beginning again with 6 years. This gives a calendar that presumes the year is 365 and exactly ¼ days long. I.e. this is not as accurate as the Gregorian calendar we use now. So to attain that accuracy this calendar must be even more complex.

Rumour has it that every 400 years there is an even amount of weeks – so maybe that might help in making this new calendar as accurate as the Gregorian one.

The possibility of being damned to a birthday on a Monday for every year of your life is absolutely possible.

Friday the 13th could be avoidable, depending on how you make your months. If you make your months have a whole amount of weeks, Friday the 13th could become an impossible to have day. But surely the movie franchise would sue any body that would eliminate that date. And in my area, bikers invade the great lake port of Port Dover on Lake Erie every Friday the 13th. Businesses in that area would lose money on those large tourist days. Similarly, they might sue.

And what about the easy to remember number of 21 for the day, in months that start a new season. Granted, the date of each season starter can be off by as late as the 23rd, but with the leap week calendar it could be off by up to 6 more days. Nasty.

I want my birthday to always be a holiday. Failing that, I might be satisfied with a weekend day in the leap week calendar.

Because of the birthday thing, I expect this calendar will never be reality. Those people with birthdays on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday outnumber the prime birthdays on the weekend.

Then again a case might be made for wanting a birthday on hump day (Wednesday). And is Thursday such a bad day to have for a birthday night? I remember many people at University made their schedule in such a way that they had Fridays off. Thus Thursday became the party night.

Still, I imagine the Monday birthday people would murder enough people to make the vote outcome become no to the leap week calendar. Yes, those Mondayers care that much about their birthday. It’s a 1 in 7 chance in picking the calendar for your birthday to be a Monday. Don’t you care that much?

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Portents and the Hesitation of Our Ancestors to Call it a New Year

Posted on 30 December 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I’m expecting many of you to know about comet Lovejoy – the little comet that could. It had a run in with the sun that it was not expected to survive in mid December. Not only did it survive but spectacular shots were taken of it around Chile near Christmas day.

Now that it has survived, it will last at least another 700 years before the sun gets a second chance. Back in the old days, astrologers would be all over this. But since the nerdification of the heavens and the ascension of astronomy, no one seems to have the temerity to say anything about what this portends.

So just allow me to say it: Love/Joy will last at least another 700 years. That’s all I wanted to say about this.

Secondly what exactly is the start of a new year? I think the definition got selected by the northern hemisphere. To the cold, northern peoples the simplest start of a new year would be when the sun begins to rise higher in the skies again.

This process actually begins on or about the 22nd of December. But I feel on the 22nd, when our ancestors used Stonehenge or some similar measurements to attest to the sun rising higher, I think they were slightly nervous to assess such a minor change to the start of a full year. So they waited till the 23rd and the total smidge still was a lot like the initial smidge.

Say, about the 25th, they were pretty sure but didn’t want to do anything to jinx the sun’s slow ascent in the sky. Fear of jinxing it kept up for about a week. And only on January 1 were they sure enough of the progress that they let the general public in on the news.

Soon it will be a new year. Welcome the increasing sunlight in the north.

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Yer Favourites

Posted on 28 December 2011 by Larry Russwurm

This is my 200th post so today, I’m going to do a best posts of the year sort of thing.

Yer Favourites is a title of a Tragically Hip collection I have. Hopefully the name is correct and I have latched on to yer favourites. But only about half of these posts have I had reason to separate from the others statistically. I am using some guess work so the title might at times be seen as ironic. More accurately the latter half of this list is my favourites.

Fire Breathing Dragon Guitar was a good schtick for this site and also true and popular. The day after I published A Cheap Papercraft Future was my most popular day ever.  The Fantastic Three follows if they don’t have unstable molecule clothing.

I’m not sure if Are You Taking a ConCERN position on the LHC was that popular. Still for a month afterwards, 30 hits a day would come from similar internet addresses. Curious, I finally looked up those addresses and found all the addresses were related to Google (Thanks Bob). I’m still not quite sure why. As mysteriously as it started, it stopped.

Dave MacDonald almost got into power in Kitchener Center during the federal election. TV Weathermen Aren’t Scientists was the vehicle I used to try to stop him. The margin of loss was so small that if enough people read my post and if they were swayed to change that would have been enough. Seriously I don’t think I did it alone but the blog I quote and combined with even more bloggers – I think our influence could have been the difference.

I wrote the 27 Year Old Musician Jinx in May. Imagine my surprise a couple months later when I found my site getting hundreds of hits in only minutes and they were to this post. I knew that some 27 year old musician had died. I went onto the news sites to find out who it was. Rest in peace Amy Winehouse.

I just can’t believe that something nasty hasn’t been said previously about baby boomers. Media and marketers have treated them like darlings all their lives. That ended this year with my Herd Mentality of Baby Boomers post.

I like to call horse$#!+ on egregious lies. Toronto having The Longest Street in the World is one. And a mounted police man was found making excuses with horse$#!+ about horse$#!+ in Crappy Quotes. Diaper your horse or pooperscoop it officer. And remember that officers can lie, judges, when ruling on the G20 cases that are still incomplete.

My strategy for blonde jokes (Blonde Jokes are Racist) and racist jokes (Repurposing Some Racist Jokes) was to substitute the butt of the joke (and this only works for straight insult jokes) as Stephen Harper or other leaders as was mentioned in E’en Ste’en.

And still from the first half of the year, in months that I missed are Traiters, Bubble Wrap Addiction and The Invisible Man Problem.

Good articles that were more recent include Hope for Couch Potatoes, My Shower Curtain is a Slut and Amish-Mennonite Smackdown.

 

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A Jacques O’ Christmas Tree Xmas Eve

Posted on 24 December 2011 by Larry Russwurm

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Boxing Week is for Year in Review Stories

Posted on 20 December 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Happy blogiversary the second. That’s right, today’s post marks the conclusion of a 2nd full year of posting.

Last year, I posted links to the most popular posts I made that year. This year I won’t do that. Why? Because I’m angry this year with year end reviews happening as early as December 1. On that day the top news stories of the year were ranked in the press.

Call me old fashioned, but I seem to recall when year reviews were done during Boxing week (for those non Canadians who don’t know, Boxing Day is December 26th and thus Boxing week is the week between Christmas and New Year’s day). For instance not all big news stories happen in the first 11 months of the year. Speaking of Boxing Day, remember the Boxing Day Tsunami a few years ago in the Indian Ocean? That was the biggest news story of that year.

So I am moving my year in review to Boxing week, probably December 28. I figure this year that will be the day of my 200th post so that is also important.

So why are the year in review stories happening as early as December 1? I think this has to do with competing news outlets getting the jump on each other. If a newspaper chain rates the top news stories on December 2nd and a television network does so on December 1st, people are most likely to take the December 1st rating to heart and might even think the newspaper chain copied the network.

So I suggest to you, news upstart, to have the top stories of the year on November 30 of next year. You will get the attention first and be thought to be the best word on the subject.

This will of course start a year in review arms race. That newspaper chain will do the stories of the year article on November 29, the following year and that television network may follow with the year in review as early as November 25th of the following year.

I just say to you, reviewers, when we get before July 1, we must then start to say it’s not the biggest stories of the year in review, but the prediction of the biggest stories of the year.

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Mammaral

Posted on 17 December 2011 by Larry Russwurm

It was shocking to the humans that first landed on Alexane that many of the beasts there were obviously mammals. It was more shocking that one of those beasts was the mammaral, shown below.

As shown, mammarals are almost totally covered by mammaries, and that is where their name is derived from. But even more surprising, the first time mammaral was spotted in the wild, a different species was spotted suckling from mammaral. As the shocked humans watched, mammaral pushed the other creature from teat to teat, thus presumably satisfying both creatures.

Intrigued, humans set up a watch on mammaral and found that the other species would first bring food to mammaral. Then about an hour after mammaral was finished eating, it would allow the creature to suckle.

This was found again and again for various creatures. But it was found that they would take to mammaral the foods that they liked and then suckle. Perhaps mammaral’s milk reflected the different tastes that other creatures liked. Perhaps the process ensured the other species would not be poisoned by mammaral’s milk.

Finally, when it was deemed safe, humans tried it, too. The first to go said the first suckle was as good as the food that they had given mammaral, the next teat was even better and finally the last suckle was almost ambrosia. Needless to say all the humans soon wanted to try.

A breeding pair of mammarals were by far the largest thing the human explorers wanted to bring back to earth. Since it was such a commitment, the explorers consulted earth dairy experts via ansible.

Those experts were intrigued and insisted upon measurement. It was found, except when pregnant, that nearly all the mass the mammaral took in as food was converted to milk. The experts worried about marketing because of this.

They said that food competitors would just say, “not only does mammaral’s $#!+ not stink, spacefarers are trying to make you eat it.”

As a result, no mammaral made it to earth on that first shipment.

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