Vegan

Posted on 8 March 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Again, try bitstrips.com . This cyclops is close enough to a generic alien for my tastes.

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Spam So Wrong It’s Ironic

Posted on 7 March 2012 by Larry Russwurm

The most annoying part about blogging is dealing with all the spam I get as comments. I sift through more than 100 spam comments every day. Still, it is my belief that spam wants to be caught and not distributed. There is usually at least one telltale sign per spam that lets you know you are doing the world a service by not allowing it on the web.

And some spam makes me laugh. Because it has done such a poor job of getting past your radar it is obviously the opposite of true and thus ironic. Below are 6 spams I caught in just 3 days that were this kind of ironic.

The first one is ironic because my about page is just two pictures of me. There is no paragraph and there is no article.

The second spam is ironic because it refers to other comments of this article. The 0 below the title “Obese and Wonderful” is the total number of comments that appears with that post.

The 3rd spam wants pics with my article. The article is 5 political cartoons and their explanation.

The 4th spam wants a follow up post. There is a follow up post to “The Horny Shower Curtain”. It is “My Shower Curtain is a Slut”. If the spammer had only read a handful of the comments they would know this.

The 5th spammer talks about video for a post that doesn’t even link to video.

And the 6th spam is from someone named Gabriella saying hi to me as a family member. I’ve never met anyone named Gabriella and if you were some distant relative, why not say how we are related? Instead, I just deleted this spam.

I’ve made it my golden rule as spam detector that real comments will mention something specific in my post. Something that triggered the comment. Notice that none of these spams does.

And I humbly apologize if I’ve gotten you to read some spam.

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A West Centred Canada

Posted on 3 March 2012 by Larry Russwurm

For many years western Canada has complained about being out of the loop when it comes to national politics. Formerly the best their politicians could do was win an election by banding up with Quebec (see the Mulroney government). But for the longest time it seemed that Ontario was the area of Canada that decided elections.

Not so, this time. The west has been growing with population and combined with more rural Ontario ridings, last year Stephen Harper managed to win a majority with a definite western bent. It now looks like the west is the power of the country.

As an Ontarian this has taken quite a bit of getting used to. It is only now that I see the country in a more western light.

First of all Alberta is by far the most loyal province of the sitting government. Harper’s insistence on getting the Keystone XL pipeline (which would go to the US) done or maybe a pipeline to BC (to ship oil to China) seems to be his priority. Might I suggest a third option? Perhaps he could build the pipeline to have not part of the country like northern Ontario and have Canadians doing the value added jobs of refining and processing here. Then we could ship finished product to the US or elsewhere. If only Ontario voted in a bloc enough to remind Harper that he is the prime minister of the rest of the country, too.

Indeed, now that there is a western centrism in Canadian politics I think Ontario should reposition itself. Thunder Bay, the port that links the west to the Atlantic via the Great Lakes-St. Lawrence Seaway should become more important, shipping grain and potash and oil products and minerals from the west to Europe and other markets. In fact, Thunder Bay is so important to western Canada that maybe Ontario could make it the new capital.

And the name Ontario chose for itself was that of the first great lake you would encounter from approaching from the east. Now the approach from the west is more important so the first lake you encounter is Lake Superior. Perhaps Ontario should change its name to Superior. I like that. I can say that I come from the province of Superior.

Of course if things digress like some think it might, Superior might become a have not province. It’s hard to coax other provinces, however big and western their hearts might be, to give transfer payments to a province whose name belittles you. Ah well. So it might not last.

Maybe we could split the difference and say that we’re the Erie province. Maybe we could all become goth. I know the youngins might like this what with the recent successes of vampires and werewolves.

Still, as long as I live in Ontario, it will always be the province Superior to me.

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By Gum

Posted on 1 March 2012 by Larry Russwurm

 

I’m besieged by so many comic strip ideas that every 8 months I come up with a Bitstrips cartoon. This time I said to myself I would only publish if they have an easy to use dog. They did. At my accelerated pace of learning, by 2212, I ought to have a good idea of what all Bitstrips can do. Assuming they don’t keep adding features.

It’s a good site. Go play around at the link.

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The Mitt Elects Mitt, After Mitt Disses the Mitt, After Mitt leaves the Mitt

Posted on 29 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

^That title makes sense if you realize that the state of Michigan is “the mitt”. Look below to see my drawing of Michigan. The lower, bigger, more populous part of Michigan looks like a mitt, hence the name for the whole state. More completely it might be call the mitt and the sideways icicle.

So the title explained is: Michigan elects Mitt Romney in the Republican primary, after Romney dissed Michigan a couple years ago by voting for no bailout of the auto industry, and Romney left Michigan many years ago but it is his home state.

This site is sometimes known for its geographical humour. But I don’t have nearly as many jokes about place names as I had for the southwestern Ontario elephant. Probably because I don’t live in Michigan. However I can say that Detroit is the muscle of the opposable thumb and thus very important. Port Huron and Flint are the thumb knuckle and thus flexible. Kalamazoo is the wrist – I’ll leave it to Michiganers to say whether that’s limp wristed or not. But most importantly, Cadillac is on the fingers, at about the ring finger, at about the spot where you would put a wedding ring. That’s right Michigan is just a symobole that some people want a Cadillac instead of a wedding ring.

And the mitt and the icicle is a good symbol for the winter, but what about the caving mitt and the sideways stalactite for the summer? And once global warming completely takes hold we can call Michigan the oven mitt and the weird fish stick.

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Obtainium

Posted on 25 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I’m writing this article about obtainium, poor sister of the more famous unobtainium from the movie Avatar. We heard so very much about unobtainium from that movie. How it was worth raping a planet for. How beautiful the planet was because of the unobtainium. And in between the unobtainium hype there might have been a lesson about conservation.

The name of obtainium suggests that it is a metal. Indeed, I think it is the secret metal in the pennies of Canada and the U.S. For a number of years it has been true that pennies made from copper cost more to produce than their face value. So, it is my studied guess that Canada and the U.S. have replaced most of that copper with the ubiquitous and cheap obtainium. So those jars of pennies that everyone in North America has, just in case they ever need to cash them in, are mainly obtainium. Indeed, the natural unit of measure for obtainium is the ‘jar’.

Like other minerals, obtainium has its effects on health. With trace amounts of it being most places in the environment, most humans are affected by it. Indeed there is a direct correlation between obtainium being in the body and young humans being able to succeed at attending Jr. Kindergarten. That’s how important this mineral is.

Ants are also known to contain high amounts of obtainium. Indeed everywhere on earth, without permafrost, there are obtainium fuelled ant colonies. As a human, you might think that humans are the most plentiful creature on earth. This is not the case. There are far more ants than humans. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if the mass of all ants on earth exceeded the mass of all humans.

Some obtainium is needed and used every time a tax is charged. And the fatalists have noticed that obtainium exposure can lead to death by old age.

There are also specific forms of obtainium. For instance, Justin Bieber is afflicted by a kind that causes crushes in young girls. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are afflicted by a type of obtainium that attracts paparazzi.

A certain type of obtainium exists only in town centres and causes concrete jungles. Lack of exposure to this type of obtainium can cause extreme hickism.

But by far obtainium’s most common form is as dirt. You can temporarily rid yourself of obtainium, but that sets in motion its innate commonality and once again it appears in a few days. Rumour has it that only unobtainium can be used to make obtainium dirt vanish forever. I say lets rape that planet in Avatar. Conservation shmonservation.

And speaking of dirt, with Avatar’s huge money grossing ways, expect Avatar sequels to be as common as dirt in the very near future.

[Postscript: I didn’t realize the word unobtainium was used in other arenas than Avatar while writing this piece. As well, the word obtainium has the definition of being reused material used to make sculpture or mixed media. Since I was unaware of these definitions at the time, the article is what it is.]

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There is No Perfect Toy for a Cat

Posted on 22 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Cats seem to lord it over anything smaller than themselves. They kill mice, eat flies and even kill rats and rabbits. Cats are tough for their size. This seems to be true all the way up to the big cats.

So you find a toy that moves on its own, a wind up toy, and you think its perfect for the cat. It’s smaller than the cat so there’s no chance that the toy should scare the cat.

You finally get the toy home and in the same room as your cat. You wind up the toy and let it go. And off goes your cat. In the opposite direction. Your tough feline is terrified of this little thing that moves.

Fine. Years later you find an even smaller and even quieter wind up toy that is soft and furry and looks like a mouse. This time it will be different you think.

You get the toy and your cat in the same room again. You wind up the toy and your cat is off again. Again in the opposite direction. Your feline is a big chicken.

As near as I can tell all cats run away from all wind up toys. I’ve known different owners to have the same problem with wind up toys.

Maybe wind up toys sound too much like hissing or growling. Or maybe they sound like a cat’s mortal enemy – the vacuum cleaner. Vacuum cleaners and wind up toys both sound like white noise to me, something that is calming in humans (at low volumes). We must be fundamentally wired differently for sound.

My new black cat, Bast, needed toys so I bought her a mouse with feathers that is on a spring attached to a suction cup. I attached the toy so the suction cup was on my fridge door and the spring and mouse stuck straight out sideways.

I’d envisioned Bast batting away at the mouse with the toy going side to side or up and down or even in a circular motion. Well Bast was attracted to the toy just as I hoped. It’s just that she went for the suction cup.

How dare you defy gravity said my cat the engineer. I must chew at the suction cup till I find its gravity defying trick. It took about a minute for Bast to get it off the fridge. I must have suction cupped it about twenty times to the fridge – always with the same result. Bast would chew at the suction cup till it came off and lay on the floor.

The last time, she must have chewed at the suction cup as the toy lay on the floor. There is a gouge bitten out of the suction cup and now it won’t work anymore. I hope you had fun making garbage, Bast.

From my experience the toys that cats like the most have a bit of catnip on them. Perhaps if the mouse part had catnip, Bast would have played with that end and would still be enjoying her toy. Even if catnip toys aren’t that interesting to cats, they’ll at least attempt to play with the toy.

Now I’ve got a great idea. I’ll put catnip on a windup toy…

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Pickup Cars

Posted on 18 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Truck. Truck. Truck. Truck. Truck Truck. Truck. That’s how many times your average pickup truck ad describes their product as just a truck. Only once or twice in the entire piece do they use the full ‘pickup truck’ moniker. A lot of ads deal in wish fulfilment. And it is in our face that pickup truck drivers like to consider themselves truckers.

I don’t consider pickup truck drivers to be truck drivers. There is special training to become even a ‘D’ truck driver. And ‘A’ licences are even harder to come by and involve things like skid training. Pickup truck drivers need none of this. You can drive one if you have an ordinary car licence.

Which is why I wish to call pickup trucks ‘pickup cars’. Not only does it seem more accurate to name those vehicles so, it also helps undo the brainwashing the pickup makers have been foisting down our throats. And if the drivers of these vehicles feel a bit less tough, all the better.

Too often as a pedestrian have I noticed bad driving by pickup drivers. In my experience, it’s way out of proportion to the number of pickups on the road. My current theory is that these drivers are from so far out in the outlying areas that they aren’t used to busy city streets with actual pedestrians. Or at least that’s the theory I can publish because of its lack of swear words.

Since a pedestrian can’t really retaliate against a motorized vehicle at the time, allow me my petty word game. Pickup car. Pickup car. Pickup car. Pickup car. Pickup car. Pickup car.

Of course, now, if I’m ever in a pickle and need something transported by pickup, I guess I might find some of my stuff strewn on the road. Well if I changed even one pickup ad to say truck less often, I consider it worth it.

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What if Average Height Keeps Increasing?

Posted on 15 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I was going to cite the information tidbit that was in the margins of one of my elementary school textbooks that said, ‘children will grow up to be one inch taller than their same sex parent’. This may have been true at the time the text book was published, but largely North American height increases have leveled off.

Height science is complex. Here is a New Yorker article that gives a feel for the field. There have been increases and decreases in the average height of different societies throughout history. While North Americans have leveled off, northern Europeans have become some of the tallest people in the world. Especially the Netherlands. Although the field is complex, generally the more healthy a whole society is, the taller the inhabitants will be.

That inch increase noted in that elementary textbook was possibly because of immunizations and antibiotics. Notice that antibiotics aren’t as effective as they once were and various movements have excluded more children from immunization in North America. So maybe the health of the society theory has some legs.

Where will improvements in health stop? There seems to be no end to the things that The Doctors and Dr. Oz can tell us to improve our health. I make the supposition that some societies will become healthier than the Dutch are now and thus average heights will continue an almost dizzying climb.

The first obvious sign of this will be when basketball stops being an exciting professional game and gets downgraded to an amateur sport. When everyone playing can do a slam dunk it won’t be nearly as exciting. And what happens when arms become so long they can reach the net from the foul line? What a boring game to watch.

Houses will have to be abandoned for being too small. Perhaps we’ll build giant houses and give our pets and children the old houses as a play area.

Remember that playground taunt to the tall? “How’s the weather up there?” Well we know from windmills that the higher up you are, generally the windier it is. Maybe we’ll all stoop to avoid the wind.

It would be a challenge for a human heart to pump blood to extremities if we become as tall as giraffes. Thus humanity would evolve into having a relay of hearts getting our blood going where it needs to. With many hearts, when we say we give our heart away, it just wouldn’t have the import that present day humans attach to it.

And of course with humans enlarging, our vocal cords would also lengthen and thus our voices would become lower pitched. Eventually, women and children would sound like Barry White. Men’s voices would become subsonic. Indeed you would have to kick men in the balls to make their voices rise 4 octaves so you could hear what they are trying to say. Kicking men in the balls could become a token of friendliness because you want to hear them out.

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Alternative to Affirmative Action?

Posted on 11 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Philosophically, I hate affirmative action. Affirmative action is done to compensate for the prejudice that lingers in society by giving groups who are often discriminated against an advantage. Often times, women or minorities are given a better chance at getting good jobs through a quota or other means. I’m not saying that it doesn’t need to be done. I’m saying that it sticks in my craw that we deal with unfairness by using a different way of being unfair.

I have had to deal with bias for the way I look. I’ve had long hair since before high school and onwards to the present. I remember getting to know some other students when I was in grade 12 and I found that the majority of them thought I was a druggie because I had long hair. Not once in grade 12 did I dabble in any drugs other than alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine.

This bias because of my hair I already had an inkling of before grade 12. So whenever I applied for a job I would make sure my hair was at its shortest. I called this the I-want-a-job haircut. I did get jobs. And while working for each company, I allowed my hair to grow out again. I consider myself to be a good employee, so I think that every employer became satisfied enough to keep me on.

So here’s my alternative to affirmative action: visible minorities can show up in white face for job interviews and trial periods for good jobs.

I mean white face that looks real, not the cartoonish kind.

And anything that costs this much ought to be paid for by the government. It’s a problem of society, not just the visible minority. If it were possible, I would tax just the KKK or other white supremacist groups.

And the time of the applicant in the make up chair ought to be compensated for as well.

Since bias exists in outside life as well as employment, I wouldn’t mind if some of the visible minorities used the free make up to see how other parts of white society operate.

White face might not be enough. Hair style and hair and eye colour might be changed. Accents might need to be worked on and some names exist in only one culture in the world. Even with all these changes, not every visible minority will pass full inspection.

As for females and affirmative action, it would be even harder to erase the presence of breasts and lowering the pitch of the female voice. As well, there are some height and strength difficulties. But in some cases I think there might be success. Some women and minorities could get the white male experience under this regime.

And if all this were covered by the government, then certainly the government might see it would be only fair to pay for one of my I-want-a-job haircuts. Then finally myself and long haired males everywhere would get some recognition and long sought fairness. Sampson!

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