Progress

Posted on 14 December 2011 by Larry Russwurm

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Time for an Old Fashioned Folk Off

Posted on 10 December 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I’ve always wanted to write a novelty song. It at least goes back to my early guitar playing days. Back then I remember coming up with a chord progression that sounded like a “real” song (I hadn’t done so previously – yeah that early). I had no lyrics for it so I just riffed over top in a Bob Dylan imitation, singing lyrics like “I wish they stopped the war in Vietnam, even though it stopped 15 years ago”.

Carrying on in that vein is my new song, Folk Off. It’s actually a Neil Young imitation I’m doing. I’ve done better Young imitations but this is the best I could do that fit this particular song. It had to be Neil Young because only he is close enough to folk and has had the proper “Folk off” moments in his career.

With that introduction you may see Folk Off at this link.

Here are the Lyrics:

Folk Off

When the man gets in your face with a tank,
At Kent State, in Ohio.
It becomes time for an old fashioned folk off,
The government loses because it can’t play folk.

A southern man didn’t like “Southern Man”,
So Skynyrd fought with a rock off.
But it was time for an old fashioned folk off,
Skynyrd they lose because they just play rock.

You think you have found a really distinct voice,
But America, the band, start to use it, too.
Then it’s time for an old fashioned folk off,
America loses because Neil had more hits.

When something gets, too much in your face,
Just remember the power of folk,
You can have an old fashioned folk off,
And you will win because you play folk.

Now, for full understanding of this many of you might need a history lesson or refresher. After the Kent State Massacre, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young were very quick to release the song Ohio. The pro youth lyrics are here.

Neil Young was a solo act for the song, Southern Man. Amongst other lines it says  “Don’t forget what your good book said.” Lynyrd Skynyrd was a southern rock band that tried to answer Neil in the song Sweet Home Alabama.

I’ve known the song Horse With No Name for many years. For most of those years I thought it was Neil Young singing. But no, it’s the band America singing- the whole song is by them. Others have been fooled similarly like me. It seemed weird for me, out of all the voices one might imitate for a serious song, why would you choose Neil Young’s voice? A weird result of the 60’s – 70’s rock scene.

And finally we have the power of folk. Many folk artists have highlighted causes and gotten attention where it was much needed. Thank you folk.

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Now We Should Go After the Biggest Polygamist of Them All

Posted on 7 December 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Those of us who are against polygamy have had a couple victories over the last little while. Polygamist Warren Jeffs of a fundamentalist Mormon sect is now in jail in the United States. Included in his jailing was the finding of guilt for rape of some “wives” who were under age.

And in the Bountiful, British Columbia, Canada case the court has upheld polygamy as an offence. Prosecution for this crime withstood the charter of rights which gives freedom of religion as a tenet. It was found that in the case of polygamy other fundamental rights protected by the charter are violated.

So now I say we should go after the biggest polygamist of them all. He’s so well known that I think Kody Brown uses the same language in calling his wives “sister wives”. This polygamist is so brazen as to have “wife harems” all over the world. They go by the name of convents. Yes I’m talking about nuns who symbolically get married to Jesus Christ.

Jesus has had it good for too long, now. The practise of convents goes back many hundreds of years. Of course his Earthly body is used very sparingly so this religious concept is largely symbolic.

And in Jesus’ defence, I must say that the onus is largely on that cult of the Catholic Church that so many are said to be married to them. Still this cult makes sure his “wives” are old enough to willingly marry him unlike the jailed fundamentalist Mormons.

So it is largely seen as no harm to society that Jesus is married to so many. Since it is really a symbolic thing then I say the law can and must act. I believe justice would be served by locking up a crucifix in a cat carrying case.

Take that symbolic Jesus. Can your symbolic powers get you out? No. But you have many followers on Earth who might just help you break out of your jail. It’s too bad if you wind up with that cross still on your back.

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Got a Sinking Feeling About Fort Knox

Posted on 3 December 2011 by Larry Russwurm

One of the wild ideas that I’ve heard of to explore the earth’s interior, is to use iron. Spread a whole lot of iron for a breadth of many kilometres and piled a certain height. Once a certain height of this solid iron pile is reached, the mass will sink into the earth and might go down all the way to the core of the earth which is mainly iron so it wouldn’t sink any further.

Now I wouldn’t like to execute this idea on the earth because this is bound to create huge earthquakes and volcanic activity on the spot where the exploration was started. Possibly total cataclysmic upheavals may occur, enough possibly to wipe out much life on the surface. Indeed, have we just found the 3197th way to make humanity extinct?

But it’s an interesting idea and there aren’t many alternative ways to get to the centre of the earth, if there are any at all.

I’m certain, if this method will work, it depends on the two variables I’m going to name as well as other concerns. The two variables I know of are density and total mass. Total mass gives us the amount of iron to punch through the crust and density is needed because it just wouldn’t work unless iron is denser than the earth’s crust (which it is).

A smaller total mass is needed if something is denser than iron like say gold. And that greater density leads to the effect being even stronger. So much less gold is needed than iron.

We have in the case of Fort Knox, a situation where gold has been stockpiled like never before. Now I’ve never been to Fort Knox but suspect the compound may be as big as a few square kilometres. If the American keeps adding to the stockpile, it might reach a point where it sinks into the earth and all that gold will end up at the core.

Wouldn’t that be hysterical? Assuming the seismic damage is minor, how would the guards explain what happened? “I can’t explain it more clearly than the ground swallowed the whole base!”

Loyal guards wouldn’t be believed and exploratory missions would find nothing. At least until they started looking for seismic traces. Would they believe scientists who told them the theory that I outlined above?

Many would be jailed – including scientists. The CIA, FBI and military would turn outwards, to other countries in suspicion.

And it would all be due to the simple act of stockpiling too much gold in a large compound.

Indeed, could this not be what happened to El Dorado, the famed lost city of gold?

Perhaps the city rulers kept adding suburbs. And eventually the city was too big and too dense and disappeared below the Earth’s crust.

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More Impressive Being Save the Princess

Posted on 30 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

The royalty of the UK (plus some of the Commonwealth) have changed the rules of succession this year. No longer will the heir to the throne be most likely a man. William and Kate’s eldest child, girl or boy, will be next in line to the throne after William. Since the rules of the monarchy are changing, I ask why stop there?

Critics of our society say we are too youth obsessed. I say that we aren’t youth obsessed enough.

Fine, age brings wisdom to some individuals. So perhaps we should let Liz rule over her part of the Commonwealth. The wisdom her years have brought her probably make her the best ruler in the family of the monarchy.

But her mother lived to the ripe old age of 101 and Liz looks like she’s going to outlive even that age. Do we really want to see a 105 year old visage on our currency and on some stamps? I say we must pretty up the currency and stamps of the state by using the youngest, in line Royal’s visage from the age of 18 until their child reaches that same age.

We all know economics is mostly hand waving and luck. Let’s make our currency and stamps more wanted by having better visages of royals. Perhaps this blatant marketing of the young monarchy will make Commonwealth countries economic powerhouses. Collectors will also appreciate this change.

And instead of singing God Save the Queen/King, children can learn to sing God Save the Prince/Princess. I know it will be a struggle to sing the two syllable word ‘princess’ but we can relearn.

And while we’re at it, why must we bring God into it? Much of the Commonwealth doesn’t believe. You can see my substitution by my title: More Impressive Being Save the Princess. Perhaps we’ll have to write a new song to accommodate all those extra syllables.

But look at how basic that title is. In much fiction, the hero overcomes great obstacles and is thus a ‘more impressive being’. And if they save the princess this mirrors a huge chunk of fiction. It’s that primal. Think of the marketing.

Maybe we should always keep the monarchy – if only for the marketing. But the royals have to shape up and listen to these ideas. We must refine the royals into the best marketing machine available. Then we can sell them to the world.

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Fashionable Spin

Posted on 28 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Did you hear about the latest tooth fashion from Japan? Fashion consumers are paying to make their teeth crooked. You read correctly all you poor parents going into hock to make your children’s teeth straight. And you teenagers and teenyboppers that are spending years forced to wear braces. Maybe in a few more years brace wearers might follow this trend.

Here is the story. It is actually a sort of double tooth cap for your canines. It’s supposed to give a childlike appearance (I’m not sure what is childlike about it except for adults usually have had their teeth straightened if they had crooked teeth as a child). So it’s not just an any-crooked-teeth-are-now- considered-to-be-good deal.

But I choose to see it that way because I have crooked teeth. The most prominent problem with my teeth is a gap between the two front ones. And if you women think I’m more sexy because of it, well I wouldn’t mind that.

Indeed, maybe there are no problems with my looks. Maybe it all just needs to be spun the proper way.

Blonde streaks in darker hair are common nowadays in our culture. And, indeed Arlene Dickinson, the investor and celebrity from the Canadian TV show Dragon’s Den (the American version is called Shark Tank) has sported a strip of grey in her long hair for as long as I’ve known who she is. She is also quite stylish so this strip does not seem to me to be an accident. She either naturally has the strip and thinks it’s good enough for her public face or deliberately dyes her hair to show this streak. Either way, I can spin my natural greys as being stylish.

Another feature that I had previously thought to be detrimental is my big belly. But again, listening to some fashionable, heavier women, I see they are spinning that as being “full figured”. Now, saying that I’m full figured would bring odd looks as I’m male. But I could say that I’m a large man. Or maybe a bear of a man.

Tell teenagers about putting this spin on one’s appearance. Maybe they will have less angst. Maybe they won’t be so concerned with their appearance. Maybe they won’t become depressed or develop eating disorders. Well we can wish.

And looking at the three features I’ve spun for myself? Wow, I’m a catch.

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The Safety of the American Greenback

Posted on 26 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

In these times of economic uncertainties, many a time the market has gotten cautious and money hid in the “safety of the American greenback” (doesn’t the American dollar also have a green front?). So doesn’t this mean the American market has good fundamentals?

An economist might answer, “Yes.” But do you know what the study of economics is? An art, not a science. If there was much science to it, all country’s economies would be good at all times.

And worse, those economists that say the Yankee buck is a safe haven, are overlooking fundamentals from within their art.

The Americans are cutting revenues (taxes) at a time when they have their biggest debt in history. These are horrible fundamentals. I know Europe is having its own troubles but this is ridiculous. Indeed, I live in Canada which has better fundamentals right now and our dollar lowers when fearful investors are going to the “safety of the American dollar”.

Something else must be going on to make the greenback safe, something currently outside the scope of most economic theories.

I believe that difference is that America is holding the biggest stick in the world right now. Part of that stick is the 2nd largest build up of nukes in the world. Russia has more but that country treads more softly in world matters.

The USA has the most technologically advanced military in the world. They out competed Russia in the Cold War and quite frankly Russia allows that it got behind. They’ve had invisibility for some of its aircraft for decades. No not invisibility in visible light but invisibility to radar.

They have stealth helicopters, i.e. helicopters that stay mostly silent. They’ve been testing craft that go above Mach 10 which is 3 times faster than any aircraft fly now.

The Americans kept up the arms race even after Russia bowed out of the cold war.

Excepting the nuclear nations, the USA can take down the government of any single country in the world. The problems in Iraq or Afghanistan are simply the problems of holding a country and trying to rebuild. Taking down the original governments only took a few months.

So that’s why the American currency is seen as ‘safe’. If countries stopped selling the Americans oil, those countries would soon have a new government.

Walk loudly and carry the biggest stick. That’s why the American greenback is so safe.

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Unhate

Posted on 23 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

In case you were living under a rock last week, you might not have heard of Benneton’s new ad campaign, Unhate. In this campaign there were pictures of perceived political enemies kissing each other. Merkel/Sarkozy (although Germany and France seem to be fast friends since the healing after World War II), Obama/ Chavez and of course the Pope/Egyptian Imam.

There were others, too, but of course the only political entity that threatened a lawsuit was the Vatican. Benneton responded by pulling the ad with the Pope/Imam kiss. I think this response was adequate on Benneton’s part. Indeed, if the Vatican proceeds to sue I think it is showing itself to hate more than Christian texts might like. And thus was more in need of the ad to see itself accurately.

The Vatican sees itself and the whole Catholic Church as a positive thing. Various priest scandals should have taken the blinders off by now, and that church should have realized that unsettling things have been done under its name.

Indeed, I must say that if they proceed in legal action against Benneton despite the ad being pulled, I will make a picture of a nonspecific priest kissing another nonspecific priest. Indeed I might up the priest propaganda all the way up to a priest kissing Hitler on the mouth.

I know I’ve become desensitized to kissing scenes partly due to Saturday Night Live’s Vogelcheck skits. These skits feature a family coming together on Thanksgiving and grossly kissing each other for greetings, shocking the new lover of one Vogelcheck. In short, if the public can laugh at this, I don’t think same sex kissing is as taboo in public as it once was. Change is coming and as usual, religious groups are behind.

More religious hate could be brought into the open with more of this. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a picture of Warren Jeffs kissing Osama bin Laden? What’s wrong with fundamentalist love?

Indeed I think the Unhate campaign didn’t go far enough. What about unhate for sports rivals? Kobe kissing Lebron, Sid the Kid kissing Ovechkin, it could go on and on.

What about celebrities kissing celebrities? Trump kissing Rosie. Unfortunately this would be worse on Rosie since she’s gay.

How about CEO’s kissing CEO’s? Martha Stewart could kiss one of the Olsen twins. I’m sorry that my “off the top of my head” example is once again celebrities. I guess its just that I don’t usually look up to CEO’s. Then again, how about Jim Balsilie (RIM) kissing Steve Jobs? Excuse me if I don’t have a clue who is running Apple right now.

So Benneton could extend their Unhate campaign, like the older United Colours one, much further. I just hope they remain Unevil. After all if they went too far, it would be so easy to photoshop their top executives into kissing rivals or enemies.

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4k

Posted on 21 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Now that I’ve found this ubercool spelling for the kitchen utensil, I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist that 4k (pronounced fork) only refers to the four tined variety of implement. Can we all agree that 5 tines and over should be called a comb and we’ll have to invent words for the 2 and 3 tined implements?

We can just add a k to the words three and two. How about a 3k or a 2k?

Instead of having a 4k in the road:

we will have a 2k (pronounced toque) in the road:

Of course saying “toqued” tongue is awkward. So we’ll have to replace it with “split” tongue.

Indeed 3k (pronounced threek) will be hard to bring to mind sometimes. We could use trident to replace it even though trident implies a more spear-like use than the old fork usage. And maybe we could coin the term “bident”.

Sporks have three tines. Thus “speeks or spidents would have to be the new word. I’m not sure which I favour.

Tuning forks would become tuning toques, or tuning bidents. I do prefer tuning toques.

“Fork in the road” could also become “split in the road”.

Much needs to be changed to make way for 4k. But after seeing that spelling again, isn’t it all worth it?

And if you’ve noticed the sad job that the civil engineers did in painting the fork and toque roads I illustrated – how ineffectual are they at their job? Indicating you can pass in either direction on both hills?! I smell a lawsuit on those highways.

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Harold Albrecht Spin Machine is Back

Posted on 19 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Harold Albrecht, my Canadian MP, made it back to parliament, along with his Conservative government. He continues to waste the resources of Canada Post by assailing me with propaganda. MP’s don’t pay for mail sent to their constituents.

On the end portion of the propaganda is a circle that says “Voice Your Choice”. Out of that circle comes three arrows. The first arrow goes to the right where it says “Who’s on the right track to help keep Canadians safe?”

The second arrow points below this question,but also to the right. There are four boxes there, listing the 4 major parties. Specifically, the 2nd arrow points to The Conservatives box as an answer to that question. Isn’t that extremely leading and obnoxious?

The third arrow points downward to a code you can scan with your smartphone to take you to a survey, more on that later.

Firstly, about the question of keeping Canadians safe. Conservatives claim that their policies will keep Canadians safer. While at the same time trying to abolish the long gun registry, something that police departments across Canada have wanted – to keep Canada safer. So obviously ‘pointing out the answer’ is bad spin by Conservative marketers.

As to the smartphone survey, it is easiest to do if you own a smartphone. But don’t worry, a website is given so computer users can also answer the survey. It’s a bit more difficult to do it this way. And Canada Post will return a hand filled in survey. But they don’t tell you that the Internet respondents are told they must include their name, address, postal code and email. If this is the requirement for everybody, many of the mailed in responses won’t count on the survey.

So the survey will skew toward the opinions of the wealthy. And toward the small population that read this piece of spin and propaganda far enough to get to this backside of the pamphlet.

Obviously any such survey is going to have many problems. I think the Conservatives are interested in ‘spun’ surveys like this.

So much so that they have started making other statistics like the census less hard facts and more spin. Why else would this party make anything as important as a census a matter of voluntary participation?

If the Conservatives and Harold Albrecht have their way, the field of political science will have to have a name change to ‘political art’ since there would be no science left.

But don’t fear, dear reader. Harold also sent a second piece of propaganda to me this week. It invites me to sign up for “Harold’s electronic newsletter”. I’m signing up – just for the bonus opportunity of more blog fodder.

A little bird told me that during the last election campaign, Harold’s hair mysteriously darkened. Has he found the fountain of youth and is he saving it for his elite friends? Maybe his newsletter will tell me.

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