Why Donald Trump Must Deport Himself

In the run-up to the American election and in the election itself, Donald Trump positioned himself to be a deporter of more of the people that try to make the United States a home. But I have to call him out as being an alien. Not an illegal alien, but the extra terrestrial kind.

Sure Donald Trump says the least little thing that enters his head but so do a lot of the people I know. Some of these people I know even do it in a microphone like Donald Trump does. But they don’t end up becoming president of the United States of America. They don’t even become president of a lesser country. They don’t even become a mayor. They don’t become the president of a company either. I believe that Donald Trump is a special case. Perhaps he has read the minds of a good portion of the electorate like any respectable alien.

Do you have to go any further than the top of Donald’s head to see something alien. Yeah, he’s passed it off as hair. But the wiser amongst us realize that it is truly alien and perhaps an orange spore releasing part of his head.

That permanent pout we see in his mouth is there for the usual reasons. He was told he was coming to a planet of lesser beings where he would get anything at all that he desired. It just wasn’t that easy as Trump University and Rosie O’Donnell can both attest.

Hands as small as Donald’s are usually found on women. But being an alien is his out. Yes he could be a male extra terrestrial. Even though ET’s hands were much bigger despite his diminutive stature.

But his orange skin and orange hair are only seen as being human because he puts Caucasian makeup around his eyes so it only looks like he has a problem with tanning. It is far more reasonable that he is a totally orange alien. And because of a leftist Canadian party (the NDP) that overuses the colour orange, Donald realized that he just disappears when he is on the left. That’s what made him into a right wing Republican. And I bet during his reign he will never visit left Canada. Hopefully he thinks that is western Canada so the NDP in the east can use a dropping that will make him disappear for good.

If Donald Trump goes so far as to deport extra terrestrial aliens, I can only say that his mother world must be calling him and his family back. Obviously the Donald will go so I just have one question. Who gets to inherit all his properties and businesses?

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Ontario SPCA Partners With Veal Producers

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Dear Donald Trump

You have won the election and now there are even signals that you won’t pull out of climate deals. I write this to try to make sure you do help the climate.

Firstly, science is not a buffet. You’re not supposed to choose certain theories and ignore others. Sometimes disparate theories are there because of the same basic idea. The current scientific thinking is the best that we have. In a way, saying no to climate science is also saying no to your smart phone or any other technology you hold dear. And science ideas are vetted way more thoroughly than any Apprentice show you’ve dreamt up.

But I mean to make climate science appeal to you. You are 70 years old and I bet you hold your wealth closer than you ever did. Why do I think this? Because you probably intend to make your life as long as possible.

There’s the standard idea that being able to afford the best doctors ensures the longest life possible. But that isn’t the only thing anymore.

There are drugs, now, that extend life. From rapamycin to metformin to ibuprofen the studies still need to be done fully on humans, but these drugs work in lower forms of life. And at least with rapamycin, given to older patients (equivalent to about 60 years old in humans), it still gives a noticeable extension of life. This means it is likely to extend your life, too.

And who knows how many doctors are working strictly to extend the lives of only the rich. If eating two puppies a day would extend your life to 200 years I’m sure that you and the rest of the very rich would partake.

In other words, it is not out of the realm of possibility that you will live to a ripe old age of 200 years old. You’ve heard those cries from the climate scientists, ‘if not for you than change for the benefit of your children’s children’.

Well you, Donald Trump, are likely to be alive in the heyday of your children’s children. As such you are going to want to be good to the environment. Help the rest of the world fight climate change by fighting it yourself.

In greed I trust,

Larry Russwurm

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Credit Suisse

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It’s Official – Electric, Hydrogen or Both Types of Car Will Be Viable in 5 to 10 Years

By viable, I mean that new technology cars will be able to compete with our present vehicles in every way. I am confident that charging ports and hydrogen stations will be brought into regular service in many places.

And why do I make this prediction with such seeming confidence?

I am saying this because normal cars pretty much all can last at least 10 to 15 years. This has not always been the case. And today pretty much any model of car has the endurance to last this long.

So it is my guess that the entire auto industry is betting that the electric or hydrogen cars will come along in 5 to 10 years. Do you see what this does? Perfectly good cars of our time will become scrapped many years early to make room for these new higher tech and better for the environment vehicles. Capitalism seems to thrive on waste.

And trust me in my pessimism that these new cars will last only 5 to 10 years. Already I’ve heard that total electrics have to change their huge battery before the lifespan of the car is done. So many will scrap their electric when the battery fails because that is by far the largest expense in an electric car.

Hydrogen cars might not last any longer. Hydrogen burns better than almost anything. Rocket fuel is hydrogen burning in pure oxygen and is powerful stuff. Who would trust an old hydrogen car on the road? The old cars might blow up taking its driver and passengers with it.

The auto companies figured this all out a long time ago. So don’t be surprised if you’re saving the environment by going through more cars.

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How India Could Field the Next Olympic Gold Medal Winning Ice Hockey Team

This is intended as a guide to how India can become the best country in the world at the sport of ice hockey.

Firstly, India must struggle through the lower tiers of hockey since they would be just a beginner when it comes to ice hockey. If India could just manage to have a high calibre scorer I know that they could make it to Olympic gold.

But what skill should that star player need? Should he be the fastest player on the ice? Well he just needs the ability to skate passably. Would that player need to be the best stickhandler? No, but he should be okay at handling the puck. Should that player be a playmaker, always setting up his teammates? No, but it is necessary that he be able to receive an assist. This star player will be a puck hog.

I know this player sounds mediocre at best so what makes him outstanding? Look at what India does best. Would this star player be able to make a Taj Mahal? No. Would he have intimate knowledge of the ins and outs of computer programming? No. Would he be able to speak English like a true American and be able to do this in a call center? No. Would he have twenty-five foot fingernails on his hands? Why, yes, that is the hard to find skill that this player must have.

In the lower tiers of hockey, India might be able to get away with a small lie. The could say that their star player had rich parents. After all who else would be able to get away with growing their fingernails so long? Anyhow, those rich parents would indulge their child in any way they could. So any scratches or cuts appearing on their son’s fingernails would be taboo. It is rumoured that they will pay for a lethal hit on whoever checks their baby.

So India will make it to the higher echelons of hockey with their lie. There the lie will no longer work as it is only rich countries that can afford to get to the upper echelons of hockey.

These richer hockey players will at first be doubtful about fingernails. After all, who wants to check this star player and end up enveloped by those fingernails. This works for a while until the rich countries’ coaches begin demanding that his players check the Indian star.

The wise Indian coach knows by the expressions and gritted teeth that the rich countries’ coaches have given this order. It is then that he brings out his megaphone and says for all to hear, “Our star player should never be checked since as well as the checker becoming enveloped by those fingernails, they will also have to imagine how he ate and blew his nose and, yes, wiped his butt all these years.”

The Indian dominance in hockey will only last so long. After years of effort, the rich countries will manage to field a team of men, all of whom have twenty-five foot long fingernails.

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Change of Heart

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Justin Trudeau: Stephen Harper’s Enforcer

The boxing match between Justin Trudeau was officially for charity. It seems now in our time to represent the moment that Justin Trudeau became the enforcer for former Conservative leader, Stephen Harper.

We all know that Trudeau won.

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Now, Justin Trudeau has climbed to the position of prime minister himself. With no one in the land having greater power, he has no problem of revoking citizenship of certain people. Indeed he has revoked more people’s citizenships in his short term in office than Harper did in his entire reign.

And Bill C-51 is still the law of the land in Canada despite almost entirely doing away with the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

Justin Trudeau is indeed the enforcer of Stephen Harper’s laws.

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Despite these unpopular positions, Justin Trudeau remains unsullied due to the general belief in Canada that he is the “ ‘most progressive leader”. This statement is true, once you realize that the poetic apostrophe is a stand in for the letters al. Justin Trudeau is the “almost progressive leader” of Canada. A near miss is as good as a mile.

jtalmostahero

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Naming Animals by Sex That are Closest to Us

In English it seems that all the types of farm animals are named, like boar and sow, cow and bull, hen and rooster, goose and gander etc. But it is much more shocking when we look at the animals we are truly the closest with, cats and dogs. There is a definite inequality.

What leaps to mind first is that the female dog is called a bitch. That word has become one of the most insulting terms to people and is used largely against women. No one is flattered to be called a female dog it seems.

Why then is the female, of the other main pet to humans, called a queen? It is the ultimate thing to almost all little girls to be a princess. Being a queen is just the grown up version. Adult cats that haven’t been spayed are called queens.

Why is there such a discrepancy to humanity’s two favourite pets? In the war of words between dog lovers and cat lovers, it seems that cat lovers are far in the lead and have seemingly rigged the competition.

Well let’s look at the names for male pets. The female names were at the high and low end of the spectrum so the names of the males must be closer in meaning.

A male cat is called a tom. Much like the human male name, Tom. We feel for the male cat so much that we give it a human name.

So what is a male dog called? Well I don’t want to get too technical but the technical name is dog. What? Humanity thinks so lowly of male dogs that it hasn’t even given them a name? They gave male gooses a name! Maybe male dogs haven’t quite earned the right to a name yet.

So those dogs that guide the blind, save Timmy from the well, got the job of police dog, hunting dogs, other service dogs and even herding dogs are either nameless or bitches.

Where are the dog lovers of this world to protect the good names of dogs everywhere? Okay, perhaps the word bitch has become too entrenched. But they can at least give male dogs a name, finally. Pick a good name, dog lovers. Or else the English language will swallow this one opportunity and name male dogs, say, butches. Look how close that is to bitches.

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Don’t Cry for Venice

Well you can cry for Venice if you are a citizen of that fine city and it is completely submerged in a few years. But I, as a mere tourist with nothing of import in Venice, will not cry. Because Venice is just the first of many sinking cities.

No I don’t mean sinking like New Orleans or Venice. I mean cities that just stay at the same level while global warming makes the sea water rise. Basically almost any port city in the world will do.

Imagine taking a nice, calming gondola ride in Manhattan instead of those horribly obnoxious, always honking cabs. What a nice break between high stress meetings in that city.

Or you could take a gondola ride in Boston, Vancouver, Philadelphia, Liverpool, Washington, Rome, Cairo, Seattle, Rio de Janeiro, Miami, Sydney, Melbourne, really almost any coastal city because with global warming sea levels will probably rise by quite a large degree. There are going to be thousands of ‘Venices’. Maybe one will be on your closest sea coast.

We, as tourists, might not have to pay the fortune that gets to a particular area of Europe. Perhaps a few hundred miles away, no matter how landlocked you begin, there might be a ‘Venice’ within bussing distance.

This flooding of the market with ‘Venice’ after ‘Venice’ will of course make a Venice trip really inexpensive. As a tourist I think that is as it should be. Why can’t all the prime destinations have this much competition. I’m told that the Eiffel Tower and Big Ben are really inexpensive as far as landmarks go. Perhaps all of Europe could compete with knockoffs in each continent.

But I don’t intend to go to Las Vegas with their stunted Eiffel tower. They must be appealing to the cheapest of the cheap market. Let’s hope that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Regardless of the other knockoffs, at the present ignorance around global warming, there will be a thousand ‘Venices’ in the not so distant future.

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