The Case for Vampires Staking Vampires

Since vampires do indeed exist, let’s look at them a bit more scientifically than they usually get looked at. First of all we know they feed off human blood. And those bodies they have fed on turn into vampires. This is how vampires reproduce.

Now let’s say that the fit vampire can go without feeding on human blood for a full week. So at the end of week one, we have two vampires – the original and the new vampire created by the feeding. During week 2, the pair of vampires each finds a victim to feed on. At the end of week 2 there are 4 vampires. We can keep going with this progression of vampire numbers till we get to week 34 when all the human prey in the whole world has been used up and every person is now an undead vampire.

In the prehistory of vampires, populations remained relatively stable because the bodies were left outdoors after being drained of blood. Daylight would destroy the new vampires who would take a day or so to undergo their transformation.

But in modern times it is considered unseemly to leave bodies lying around until light. So nowadays these bodies go right to the morgue. Morgues usually do not get much daylight. Thus all the kills of a vampire will turn, leading to the frightening overpopulation outlined earlier.

What can we do? Well the cross thing is obviously a myth as pointed out by this earlier comic strip of mine. If crosses killed vampires, they could not exist in our world of right angles everywhere. So the next anti vampire weapon is holy water.

Now the definition of holy water is really fast and loose. Is it the water used by churches for baptisms? If so is any water that’s in a church holy water? What about water in a church’s rain barrels? Is holy water that water that has been blessed by a priest, a pastor, or a reverend? Wouldn’t the holiest of waters be Jesus’ tears? It is said that when you lie you make baby Jesus cry. If only we could harness that system for holy water.

And holy water doesn’t necessarily mean Christianity. What would make water holy in other religions?

Holy water is just a giant maze that I refuse to navigate. The next thing we know about vampires is that they shrink away from garlic. Now, I don’t think this is a self preservation thing. I think that vampires are just extremely cultured and thus hate to eat or smell garlic. I don’t think this will kill them.

So at the end of this list, we are left with using a wooden stake through the heart to kill vampires. Indeed, vampires live so long that I suspect each one has learned all about exponentiation and population growth. So however often they feed, they simply stake the victim, too. So this is birth control for the modern vampire.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet. Now in the Fediverse as
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2 Responses to The Case for Vampires Staking Vampires

  1. This is terrible! You’ve just turned the vampire reproduction cicle into a bloody Meme! They’d be spreading faster than those stupid looking poker faces or whatever they are called!

    Now, holy water really wouldn’t work well, I suppose. Think of what it would do to a muslim vampire, for instance. It’d simply make him angry. Another problem with it would be the creating process. I mean, would holy water certified by a pedophile priest have the same power as any other one, or would it just work on vampires with a taste for younger blood? That’s creepy.

    Your proposal that vampires should stab their newborn bloodsuckers right after their creation is good, but it might also lead to an echological disaster. Think of all the deforestation!

    In the end, I believe vampires’d have to invent rubber coated teeth prostetics, like condoms. Safety first, right?

    Wonderful text. Best regards. 8)

  2. Pingback: Birth Control for Werewolves | The Many Rants of Larry Russwurm

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