If only I could have thought about this as a kid – I might have avoided work my entire life. You might ask ‘What’s the trick to being acceptably lazy?’ If you’re on board I’ll tell you the secret. It’s growing your fingernails out.
We’ve all seen those pictures in the Guinness Book of World Records or perhaps in some Ripley’s Believe it or Not show. Pictures of those strange easterners with their five foot long fingernails from each finger curling around. It is only common sense that any person so devoted to growing fingernails must not have done a lick of work for the twenty years those things have been growing.
It’s the perfect excuse. You have chores to do, perhaps cleaning the family home while a youth. Mom, you say, I can’t do that because I’m growing my fingernails. I have to. It’s my identity. You’ll be so proud of me when Guinness or Ripley’s calls and makes me world famous.
Of course your little sister will resent you when all the chores fall onto her shoulders. But not to worry. She will eventually figure out that she must marry you off so your new spouse can pick up all the chores that you’ve managed to shirk.
Don’t be surprised if your new spouse refuses to do the chores because you refuse to have sex – you’ll have become a slave to keeping your fingernails long.
Still you’ll manage to go from place to place always staying lazy and keeping your fingernails long. Eventually when you are getting closer to death you’ll even pick a casket that is very spacious in the middle to accommodate your nails.
Then, before death you will have heard of some fantastic youth that is so lazy he doesn’t even walk. That’s right, he’s chosen to grow out his toenails as well as his finger nails. Loved ones let him maintain his identity by enabling his bed lying.
Then you’ll think, and here I’ve wasted my life, walking everywhere like a fool. And I say just be happy you’ve gotten out of cleaning houses.
