Marta Stuart – Domestic Goddess

domestic goddess 6

Marta grows her hair to lengths that make Rapunzel jealous. Usually her hair is between 50 and 100 meters long. This is so she can wrap it into spools and use it as thread. She died it in to a spectrum with browns, blacks and whites on the side to make all colours of thread. So to all you lesbians who have been asking, it’s not a rainbow flag. She doesn’t play for your team.

Marta has ridiculously long and full eyelashes. This is so she can dust with them. To keep the dust out of her eyes, she dusts with the closed eye while the other eye does the guiding. So to all the people who thought she was winking at them, she was only preparing to dust.

Marta grows her fingernails to skewer lengths. Yes it is exactly what you expect. She impales shish kebabs and souvlaki with these nails and holds them (and her fingernails) over any open flame be it a fireplace, a natural gas stove burner or a barbecue. She quite intelligently grew more length in her fingernails so when her fingers become almost unbearably hot, the food is done. She only invites a maximum of nine guests when she is to make them dinner.

Marta wears a special mummy skirt. Not to be a mother (although you never know if that is in the cards) but more of a first aid thing. More than one of Marta’s suitors has gotten many scrapes, bruises and sprains on the same evening spent with her. Since they were far from any first aid kits, Marta had to sacrifice her skirt. So if you ever see Marta coming home with ill fitting male pants, you’ll know what happened. Men are such klutzes.

The shoes Marta wears indoors have broom bristles on the bottom. She happily skates around all day collecting dust and dirt in small piles that she eventually scoops into the garbage. Her friends are embarrassed for her and have offered to buy her a roomba on many occasions. Marta only answers with, “Roombas don’t do stairs!”

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet
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