Grab Bag o’ Humour, February 2023

Posted on 11 February 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Have you heard about the supermoons, as advertised in the press? Supermoons are full moons when the moon is closer to the earth than normal.

They are perfect for lovers or those doing things outside at night. But they are not relished by astronomers. Instead they are a load that astronomers have to carry on certain nights.

Astronomers hate light pollution. And full moons, especially supermoons, are light pollution when looking at other, much dimmer objects in the night sky. Those much dimmer objects are harder to see in the glow of the supermoon.

And wouldn’t supermoons lead to the scourge of super werewolves?

*

This particular winter in Ontario has been ridiculously warm. It’s now mid February and we’ve only had two weeks of below zero highs. This is like a New York City winter. Or a Vancouver winter. It’s fine by me to be so warm, however the winter sport enthusiasts are hurting.

There’s not much snow for the ski hills. Outdoor rinks have a hard time operating. And snowmobiling is pretty much non existent this year.

I can’t help the skaters and skiers. But perhaps someone can invent slush/mud mobiles for just the type of weather we’ve been having. Maybe such a machine could have little skis for slush and mud at the front and knobby wheels for mud at the back.

I think skis would also operate on mud. I just wonder if farmers would hate trails in their fields that such a machine might make. It might make plowing in the spring more difficult. But maybe the trails could stick to the peripheries of any such fields.

*

Has China seeded any doubt into your mind that the balloons over North America and even South America are just civilian operated and no harm whatsoever to anyone?

And don’t we look ridiculous, shooting them down like we did to two of them? Is this overkill like in the song 99 Red Balloons? Maybe.

Or maybe China is actually spying. You know, the way Sun Tzu highly recommends in his book the Art of War. Perhaps China has even heard about this book. It was written by a Chinese general over a thousand years ago. In it, the general harps about always having the best information about the enemy. Then finally in its last chapter, he goes on about spying and that spies should be rewarded well. What they do is important.

These couldn’t possibly be spy balloons. But we should shoot them down to see what makes them tick and then send our own over China. Wouldn’t the Chinese like to see the improvements we made with them?

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Flying Squirrel in the Mother Earth Force

Posted on 4 February 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Flying Squirrel stood watch on top of the CN Tower where he had been for the last couple days. The Big Smoke had been experiencing many carjackings lately. If one happened in the Big Smoke’s downtown, Flying Squirrel would be there to follow and hopefully apprehend.

“911 call from University and Queen,” said Mother Earth in Flying Squirrel’s earpiece. “Someone is carjacking a black Dodge pickup truck.”

“Close enough,” said Flying Squirrel and leapt off the tower, his wingsuit saving him from certain death. It allowed him to glide quickly toward the carjacking.

“Headed north,” said Mother Earth. “Why would they pick a pickup truck in the middle of downtown? Certainly they would have better odds of getting a pickup from the suburbs or the country.”

Flying Squirrel had spotted the pickup now. So he could pursue. “Because they need something big to smash into a store and do a quick grab and run!”

Flying Squirrel could see the pickup turn left up ahead. He got ready to alter course.

“That’s left onto Harbord.” said Mother Earth.

Flying Squirrel just made the turn in time to see the truck smash through a glass front of a jewelry store. Flying Squirrel pulled his parachute. There was a jerk and then he could control the parachute and aimed for the back of the pickup still sticking out of the building.

He could hear the smashing of display cases as he landed perfectly in the truck’s back. He just managed to get the parachute off when he glimpsed a blur to his right. As he rolled over the cab into the store he saw that the blur was Tail who imprisoned the thief in his tail.

Flying Squirrel was about to charge the 2nd thief who turned to see him but didn’t turn toward Modern Ninja who drop kicked the thief. The thief went down.

Tail handcuffed the first thief. He tossed another pair of handcuffs to Modern Ninja.

“Well at least I managed to follow him for us.” said Flying Squirrel to Tail.

“Yeah,” said Tail, “You were at least as useful as-”

Modern Ninja had disappeared from Flying Squirrel’s view as Tail went silent. “Where’d she go? What were you going to say?”

“I’m sorry,” said Modern Ninja. “I must have accidentally turned my invisibility on while looking at you.”

“I was saying you were at least as useful as a drone. At least, buddy. A drone doesn’t come down to fight in a non lethal fashion like we do. You were ready to fight,” finished Tail.

“And if they had just parked and gotten out, you could have landed on one of them and thus taken him out,” continued Modern Ninja.

But Flying Squirrel sounded wounded. “I don’t think this waiting on the CN tower is working out.”

“Dammit!”said Mother Earth into each of their ears. “This is the one thing we all agreed to do while Near Absolute Hero was injured. The cops are coming.”

They piled into their SUV and were off the scene before the police got there.

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The Nuclear Bunker That Became a Death Trap

Posted on 28 January 2023 by Larry Russwurm

On the Grand River in Kitchener, Ontario, they built a nuclear bunker that was supposed to keep 40 Regional staff alive for a few months in the event of a nearby nuclear strike. It was built in 1966 and mothballed in 1992.

Back then, the makers didn’t have a perfect grasp on keeping people alive. Two of the materials it was made with, lead and asbestos, were known in the 1970s as being harmful to life. Lead could cause brain damage and asbestos caused mesothelioma.

The bunker was still used for other purposes until 2018 when they found that deadly mould was growing in it. Finally it was abandoned completely. Still the Region thought it could be used for something so they decided to renovate it.

When I think of nuclear bunkers, I think of people having to suit up to go into the dangerous outside, which could kill them. With this bunker, while restoring it, workers had to suit up before going inside it, because doing so might kill them. Just think of that cold war irony. It’s right up there with mutually assured destruction causing very little destruction.

Most communities have destroyed their old cold war bunkers. This one in Waterloo Region is the last publicly owned one in Canada and so the call is out about what to make this into.

So far it has been suggested that it be made into a museum, a community gathering space, a film location or a place where people could put their cheese to mature. For the first three suggestions, I think the bunker is too ugly for those purposes. That last suggestion would make us unique around the world. So far my vote is for cheese.

Around the world, people have made bunkers into a night club, a restaurant, and an underground farm.

Might I suggest this bunker would make a great reality show. Since it is only there to survive the first few months of a near nuclear strike, we could set it up with a pretend strike. Contestants would have to suit up before going outside, live on canned food and in general pretend it’s a matter of humanity’s survival. They would be judged by their peers for being the best bet for survival.

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Grab Bag o’ Humour, January 2023

Posted on 21 January 2023 by Larry Russwurm

I remember going to York University in Toronto for the first time and being in residence. The talk came around to skipping class. I said something like “Yeah, I’ve already bagged off a class.”

Everyone around just looked at me. Like they didn’t understand what I just said. Like what I just said sounded sexual and had nothing to do with what they were talking about.

None of these people understood my Waterloo Region slang in which bagging off is simply the act of skipping class. My fellow students in residence didn’t understand and they were a fair sampling of the rest of Ontario. York prioritized residence for those who were from further away, so most were from outside of Toronto but still from Ontario. Not one had heard my slang before.

***

Every place that has managers, if they have a slightly lesser position, have assistant managers. Meanwhile every business that has a president, if they have a slightly lesser position, have vice presidents.

Assistant president sounds like it’s very under the thumb of the president. So if they do something wrong, it still sounds like it’s the president’s fault. The astute president needs to be able to totally blame the vice president for bad things. That’s why they choose the title of vice.

Meanwhile vice manager sounds like for the whole day, the person is managing vice. Sounds like a good job for Satan or even lesser demons. When I hear vice manager I think of someone in charge of gambling, prostitution or the drug trade in the business they are at.

***

Ontario is being bombarded by online gambling ads since the province let in out-of-province, private enterprise casinos. Take this ad for MGM Casino. It features Vanessa Hudgens and Jamie Foxx. First Foxx gets an ace. Then most of the ad is both actors saying “Give me a king, Steve”.

Why a king? It sounds as if the ad copy people wanted to say some specific card. But in blackjack, it doesn’t matter if you get a king, a queen, a jack or a ten. They are all worth ten points.

Foxx could have said “Give me a ten, Steve,” and it would have made more sense. Even saying “Give me a face card,” would make more sense even though that doesn’t include the number ten cards.

The only reason I can see it making sense to say “Give me a king, Steve,” is if Jamie Foxx had been counting cards. He might know that a king appearing was more likely.

Now I bet (pun intended) MGM Casino doesn’t want us counting cards. With this ad, they are encouraging us to be blatant about it. Thus when someone says “Give me a queen, Ralph,” they know to kick that person out for counting cards.

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Mother Earth Force in the Hospital

Posted on 14 January 2023 by Larry Russwurm

It became a full meeting of the Mother Earth Force when Tail entered the hospital room. He saw that Near Absolute Hero was awake and proclaimed, “You can now, officially, take the Near out of your name!”

There was a guffaw from Near Absolute Hero followed by a moan of pain.

“Shhhh!” said the image of Mother Earth on the open laptop.

Modern Ninja said matter-of-factly, “Laughter is definitely not the best medicine, here. It exacerbates his injury when he laughs.”

“Sorry, Near Absolute Hero, I didn’t know.”

Near Absolute Hero said. “The first one’s free. After that you’re kicked out. Modern Ninja got me earlier.”

“What did the doctors say?”

“That he has stabilized after the surgery. Now it should just be a matter of healing. They estimate he’ll be fine in 6 to 8 weeks,” said Mother Earth.

“When can he leave the hospital?” followed up Tail.

“It should just be a week.” continued Mother Earth. “You, myself, and Modern Ninja can take turns guarding the room.”

“Don’t forget, I’m still here.” said Near Absolute Hero. “You three can talk to me while you’re here ‘guarding’”

“I’d like to speak to Mother Earth in private if that’s alright?” asked Modern Ninja.

“Sure,” said Tail, “If I can talk to her for 2 seconds first.”

She agreed and ten seconds later Tail was outside the room with Mother Earth on his phone. “I just wanted to hear what Modern Ninja’s joke was.”

“She said the abbreviation of Near Absolute Hero is N. A. H., meaning nahhh, he is an absolute hero!”

Tail laughed for a second. Then quickly went into the room with Near Absolute Hero while Modern Ninja now departed.

“What’s bothering you?” asked Mother Earth, genuinely concerned by Modern Ninja’s expression.

“I don’t quite know how to bring this up.” said Modern Ninja. “Tail. Tail’s been bothering me.”

“How so?”

“I think if we spend much time together, the two of us, that he’s going to fall for me.”

“Why wouldn’t you want that?”

“I hate to fall into bias, if that’s what it is, but that tail bothers me. It’s a crime against nature. Well my nature anyhow.”

“You don’t have to say yes to any advances.”

“But I think that if I don’t it’ll make it impossible for us to be a superhero team.”

“Tail should have no problems. Did you know he has a following? It may be hard for you to believe but some women have a kink for that same tail.”

“I just don’t want to be left alone with him.”

“Hmm,” said Mother Earth. “ I think you are projecting yourself onto Tail.”

“What? I certainly don’t want him!”

“But do you want Near Absolute Hero?”

Modern Ninja’s eyes widened.

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The Injury of Near Absolute Hero

Posted on 7 January 2023 by Larry Russwurm

Near Absolute Hero finished cordoning off and area around the possibly explosive propane tanks with his cold gun. Now he would just have to return every few minutes and refresh the cold, so there would be no resultant explosions. Now he should cool off the forklifts which used those same propane tanks.

Just then there was a huge Kaboom! Near Absolute Hero felt a rending in his gut and barely managed to wing himself to the ground before he passed out. The last thing he thought to do was to alert Mother Earth Force via a button in his suit.

Mother Earth got to the scene in less than 30 seconds and in that time a couple paramedics had arrived and were trying to stuff Near Absolute Hero into their vehicle, wings and all.

Mother Earth spoke into their radios. “Mother Earth, here! I know how the wings can come off easily!”

The pair of paramedics was out of ideas so they listened. “Press on the wing top. No further out. Yes, there and also lift upwards. Yes.”

The wings rattled to the ground and took the cold gun with it. Mother Earth tried to locate Modern Ninja and Tail to see who would make it on to the scene first. Modern Ninja was closest so Mother Earth told her to get the wings and gun and don’t come to the hospital till that equipment was secured.

Inside the vehicle the paramedics worked feverishly at the wound. They tried to stop the bleeding as well as they could. They used pressure points as they put a temporary wrap on it.

When the paramedics were doing the less important jobs of monitoring his pulse and blood pressure, Mother Earth spoke up. “There’s no need to take off his mask, is there?”

“If you can see us, that means a hacker can, too, doesn’t it?”

“Yes and they can see his face, too. Just think of the child at home with his wife. Suddenly criminals would want to put their lives in danger to nullify this man.”

“Oh, so he has a wife and kids?”

“Everyone has a family, just don’t lift up his mask.”

They got to the hospital. The paramedics rolled Near Absolute Hero to an operating room and gave their notes to the nurses and surgeons. They left and the head surgeon x-rayed the affected area and decided to operate immediately. They tore off the wrapping and eventually took out a piece of metal while closing interior wounds.

Realizing the operation was done, Mother Earth said, “You can remove any clothing, just not the mask.

“What?” Asked the one surgeon.

The head surgeon said, “My operating room, my rules.”

Suddenly the operating room and all equipment went dark for a second. The lights came on again and there was beeping from various machines.

Mother Earth said simply, “My operating room, my rules.”

“Then I won’t operate on your friend to save his life.”

“Then no matter what operating room you are in, the machinery won’t work. For the rest of my life. Or for the rest of yours. You won’t have a career. I will tell those around you why.”

The head surgeon let out an exasperated sigh.

The other surgeon said, “We wouldn’t have taken off his mask anyhow. I’ll just tell the cleanup and admission nurses not to, either.”

Mother Earth watched as the nurses cut off the rest of the suit. They cut from the neck down.

They were wheeling him to a recovery room when Tail joined them. “I’ve been here since the first minute of surgery,” said Tail to Near Absolute Hero.

“He’s still unconscious.”

Eventually it was just Tail and Near Absolute Hero in the recovery room. Later, Mother Earth’s image joined the pair on Tail’s phone. “Did you see the headline?”

“Just the Police?!” read the headline that Mother Earth displayed on Tail’s phone. “It asks if the police are enough security in the Big Smoke. It goes on to say that Near Absolute Hero is injured and in the hospital. Mother Earth and Tail are with him. Meanwhile, Modern Ninja is nowhere to be seen!”

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Best Posts of 2022

Posted on 31 December 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Back in February, I still got some of my humour from the now defunct Ellen Show. I found The Vilest Thing You Can Say on American Television from this show.

In April I tried out a piece of flash fiction that might make a decent short story. The Fountain of Youth- was good humour, too.

When the alleged centrist party becomes extremist, you want to know before the election. So I informed some of the electorate that Steven Del Duca is an Extremist. This was back in May before the Ontario election. Del Duca failed to get his party official party status in this election and it was entirely him that was responsible for this.

My ongoing support for birthday holidays, led to Birthday Holidays, the Government and Anti-Birthdays. I hope some up and coming politician takes birthday holidays on as a part of their platform. Maybe not in July 2022, but eventually.

In October, the changing Colours of Wealth caught my attention. A pattern is revealed and leads to an inescapable conclusion.

The Modern Midas is all about cheating this moral tale from being so moral. And finally one of the purest greed dreams becomes a reality from what was supposed to be a curse.

Thank you to all my readers and best of luck in the new year!

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Problems with Method Acting

Posted on 24 December 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Method acting is where the actor or actress tries to immerse themselves fully into the character. Problems arise when the actor takes this off the film set.

Perhaps their technique is so fully immersive that they are in that character for the whole 3 months or so while they are shooting. With some characters this is okay. The actor will just mess up their home life.

But what if they are playing a thief? Perhaps the actor can keep the thefts to just family members and “friends”. Thus they hopefully won’t be hauled before a court and lose their movie role while they are in jail.

But what if they do steal from strangers? Will their excuse be in front of a judge that they were just method acting? Or will they go straight to jail?

It could be worse. What if the actor is playing a hit man? Isn’t there that Johnny Cash song where someone shoots a man to death just to see how it would feel? Is this what the extreme method actor would do on their own time?

What if the actor were playing a serial killer? Wouldn’t they by definition have to perform multiple killings in a certain style? Imagine the headline : Copycat killings happening while a film crew shoots a serial killer’s life of crime!

What if the actor were playing a cannibal? Sure it could be the already problematic Jeffery Dahmer’s serial killer lifestyle. But it could also be a true to life story of certain explorers or a role in a remake of Alive.

For the explorers and Alive, wouldn’t the method acting cannibal want to at least try human meat? Watch out at the morgue or medical school donations.

Worst of all might be the method actor who plays Hitler. I say lock the actor up when he’s not on set. And keep him away from any weapons while doing his acting bit.

Method acting: is there any problem it can’t cause?

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The Drive Away from Red Hair and the Drive Towards Blonde

Posted on 17 December 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Over the last few years I’ve met 4 people again who had bright red hair when I knew them 30 or more years ago. I had problems recognizing them because each of them had hair that had become more brown than the red that I knew them for.

I just looked this up online and it is apparently pheomelanin that produces those bright orange shades. As a red head ages, the hair follicles produce less pheomelanin. More eumelanin is produced which leads to the browner colours.

In this society that seems to idolize youth, It would not surprise me if those bright colours of orange that young redheads are known for, would be chased by those who are more vain. Thus, a person afflicted with browning hair might die their hair as early as their twenties to keep the desired brightness.

And hair dyes for red hair are more easily washed out, so those that dye, must do so every month. The sun also will fade red hair so UV blockers are recommended for bright hair.

Compare this with blonde hair. Blonde hair becomes platinum blonde with age (i.e. grey hairs), which is arguably a brighter shade of blonde. There are however those people who had blonde hair as a kid and it became varying shades of brown as they aged into adulthood. But they will get platinum blonde hair as they reach old age so it is only temporary. (Though the brown might last for decades!)

There are also people like myself who have dark hair but if they spend enough time in the sun, will end up with blonde streaks through their hair. So sun is good for making hair more blonde.

And, in fact, those red heads, themselves, will eventually become grey in their upper ages. Thus blonde seems to win in the end for virtually everyone.

So there are people who are a blonde sandwich. They are blonde in their youth, brunette as adults and white haired in their latter years.

But if you want to try out all the colours of hair, it’s better to be a redhead. Red as a youth and early adult, brown in their adulthood and blonde when they are in their latter years.

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Those Lyin’ Lions

Posted on 10 December 2022 by Larry Russwurm

The plains of Africa are filled with creatures whose names might or might not be true. Allow me to point out a few.

Lions are pronounced lyin’ because they are lazy and lay about quite a bit. Life is tough when you are kings of the plain and don’t always have to be chasing down your food.

Then there are zebras whose names could also be Z bras. Presumably a Z bra is the largest size of bra possible. For this to be true, I believe the whole zebra must be a pair of breasts. And that’s not very good to run from predators as. This name is exaggeration at best and a blatant lie at worst.

There are also antelopes on the plains. A small change in pronunciation turns this name into anti lopes. Now a lope is a middling gallop. Most of the time, anti lopes stay at a very slow walk while they are eating grasses. But with the constant fear of predation, these animals will be off like a shot at the slightest suspicion. They are running for their lives, so this is at the fastest gallop obtainable by these creatures. This is not a lope. Anti lopes are named correctly.

Gnus also live on the African plains. Or as I prefer to spell them, news. Like the other African creatures, news have been living in Africa for millions of years. There is nothing new about them whatsoever. So this name is a lie. You could even say it’s old news. Now there are some news in Africa that are old. So maybe this name has a tiny hint of the truth.

Where did these names come from, that are sometimes blatant lies? Maybe someone was whispering in the ear of the early explorers who got to name these creatures.

Let’s go back to those lions. Now lyin’ could also be the act of not telling the truth. Perhaps these creatures are doubly named correctly and are the source of some of the lies about other creatures. If only there were some way to implicate the lyin’. Maybe we could bring up a motive to circumstantially show to a jury.

How about the Cheetah? They also live on the plains and are the fastest land predator in the wild, Perhaps their name is Cheater with a lion accent. But cheetahs blatantly don’t cheat when they hunt down creatures to eat. But maybe a lyin’ would feel guilty about cheating a cheetah and thus put the word they feel onto the innocent Cheetah.

I’ve seen the video of the African plain. A cheetah manages to outrace some prey and kills it. All within the sight of a lioness. The cheetah sees the lioness so it begins eating right away as fast as it can. The lioness walks purposely straight at the cheetah. The cheetah eats.

The lioness gets within a few paces of the meal and the cheetah gets up and runs. The cheetah knows that the lioness is tougher and could kill it. The lioness now has her meal and can share it with her pride.

The lyin’ lions are the true cheaters on the African plains.

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