A Brush With a Physicist

Posted on 7 May 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Have you ever been told that sound in Star Wars, in its space battles, is just ridiculous? That sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum? Well chances are you’ve just had a brush with a physicist or the physicist adjacent.

In return you might want to bother them about the “Big Bang” theory. The big bang is supposed to be an explosion of all matter out of a dimensionless point. A bang is definitely a sound effect, too. The problem is, I envision a dimensionless point by being outside of it. After all it’s impossible for me to be inside of it.

If I am outside the big bang and it explodes into existence, there is no way for its sound to reach me. So why use the term bang, which is meant to represent a loud sound, in the title of this theory? It’s even more egregious than sound traveling in a vacuum in Star Wars.

Not only that, the explosion into existence of everything, I imagine, would be the loudest sound ever. Why waste such grandeur on such a minor sound like bang? Every cartoonist knows that bang is merely the sound of a gun.

Explosions, however, rate a KABOOM!! or a KABLOOIE!! Why didn’t physicists name it the Big Kablooie theory? Or the Big Kaboom theory? Do no physicists even read the comics? The Big Bang theory is just wrong from a cartoonist’s vantage point.

So the next time a would be physicist tries to put you in your place due to a technicality, remind them of the name the Big Bang theory. And instead put them in their place.

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Fountain of Youth-

Posted on 30 April 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Djonni was regaining consciousness inside a dim apartment. The last thing he remembered was being surrounded by 5 thugs on an empty night time street in Miami. The throbbing in his head said they had hit him there and that’s why he remembered nothing until now.

“He’s awake!” said one of them. “You’ve got to be worth more than the $25 we found on you.”

“Not really,” said Djonni.

“You must have parents that would pay handsomely for your safe return?”

Djonni laughed at that. “Both my parents have been gone for 15 years,” he said.

“Is a sibling, a cousin, or a friend well off, then?”

“Everyone I know is in the small town of Cruxix. No one really is richer than anyone else in my town.”

“You really do want to die then, don’t you. If we can’t get more money out of you, that’s gonna be your fate.”

“Sorry. It’s just that Cruxix is really bland and quite unremarkable. So no one there is particularly wealthy to be able to drop a large sum on a troubled wanderer such as myself.”

“There’s nothing special about this town? Every town is different as far as I can tell. There must be something. Think. It’s your life that is on the line.”

“Well there is something. A town feature in front of the townhall. I don’t think it’s that special. It’s a fountain.”

“A fountain? You’re hopeless. Help me help you!”

“Well in English it is known as the Fountain of Youth-”

“Woohoo! Tell Paunchy Leon we might have a little expedition to make.”

Paunchy Leon was the leader of the criminal band. He was about 60 years old, was bald and had the advertised paunch.

“Tell me more about this Fountain of Youth,” said Paunchy Leon. They were driving in a three row car with Paunchy Leon’s minions driving.

Knowing that his life might depend on it, Djonni said, “Well the fountain itself is rather boring but all the people in the town look to all be 40 years old or younger.”

“Does it work as described in our legends?” asked Paunchy Leon.

“What legends are those?” asked Djonni, fully unaware.

“Do people just jump in and splash themselves with the liquid to be more youthful?”

“Only the old do it. After all, what is the point for the young to jump into the fountain?”

“I like you so much, I’m going to untie you. That way everyone in the town will see us as friends and allow me to jump in the fountain.”

They got to the town and even got a parking spot that was close to the fountain. Djonni and Paunchy Leon walked through the square.

“You’re right,” whispered Paunchy Leon, “Everyone here is so young.”

They arrived at the fountain. Paunchy Leon said, “I thought you were trying to trick me with an ordinary fountain. But there are no coins in it to give wishes to the tossers. “

Without warning, Paunchy Leon jumped in and Djonni jumped back. Immediately Paunchy Leon let out a blood curdling scream and the clear liquid seemed to come alive and bubble and steam.

Paunchy Leon’s cry died after only a few seconds and his whole body dropped into the fountain. Nobody nearby batted an eye. Djonni was shocked that a drop almost landed on him, but he had jumped back just in time to avoid the acid.

Paunchy Leon’s minions had not let Djonni finish. This was not the Fountain of Youth but rather the Fountain of Euthanasia. In twenty years, Djonni might do the same as Paunchy Leon. But for the time being, himself and the rest of Cruxix would live in their youth filled town. The car loaded with Paunchy Leon’s minions left. They knew they could not take on a whole town.

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Queen Elizabeth Now Available as a Doll

Posted on 23 April 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Mattel has made a likeness of the 96 year old monarch into a Barbie-like doll for the Queen’s platinum jubilee. I’ve got to order me this doll for all the fun I’d like to have with it.

Now I’m assuming the Queen’s body, underneath her dowdy outfit, is going to be exactly the same or similar to a Barbie doll. But there is only one way to determine that for sure. I must take off all her clothes. Will Mattel have made her body as wrinkled and as affected by gravity in real life or will they just swap in Barbie’s body?

I bet they will have just swapped in Barbie’s body. As such, I’m expecting that after birthing four royal children, her genitals fell off leaving that smooth Barbie style. As well, breast feeding four royal and thus spoiled children is likely to have caused her nipples to have disappeared. More reason for the Barbie smoothness.

The Queen has been alone now for quite a while and could use a new love interest. As such I can buy her a GI Joe doll and she can have fun once again. Now Joe has served overseas so he might have some ideas about what he would like to try with any new love interest.

Again, I’m assuming that Joe and the Queen are very much like your average Barbie and cannot move their knees and elbows. Still, I imagine they’ll have fun trying out the positions they can manage from the Kama Sutra. Expect somehow for their sex tape to make it on the internet. Of course it will be instructional and educational about the Kama Sutra.

But really, I would like the whole set of the royals. The Queen and all her descendants over the age of 18. Then I can find a miniature guillotine – it need not have a sharp blade. Then I can put a basket in front of it with the heads that I popped off of the Queen, Prince Charles, Camilla, etc. We can shake the basket to reveal Kate, William, Eugenie, Andrew, etc.

I must say I’m torn. Whether we include Harry and Megan is debatable. If they are truly surviving without using anyone’s taxes, I say good for them and would exclude them from my basket full o’ heads. But if they are, we could have the complete bloodline, and you know how collectors are about having a complete set.

All this was possible because of Mattel and the Queen. Such laudable play ideas they have given me.

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High One

Posted on 16 April 2022 by Larry Russwurm

‘High one” sounds like a good name to be at the top of a hierarchy. Maybe it is a term you could use to address a royal, or maybe their representative such as a judge. Or maybe “high one” would be the name of a spiritual leader. Or for those in heaven. Anyhow, all this is not what I mean when I say “high one”.

By high one, I mean a time not a person.

Just recently the US passed a bill what would make Daylight Savings Time permanent, beginning in 2023 all across the US.

Last year, Ontario (my province) said it would move to any time reckoning system that stopped us from having to move the clocks twice a year and that New York state and Quebec agreed to use.

Well New York state has made up its mind. It’s only up to Quebec, now. I believe Quebec will move to this new regime, too. Thus I believe Ontario will follow.

But with permanent Daylight Savings Time, there will no longer be a high noon. High noon originally meant when the sun was at its highest position in the sky. In 2023, you’ll have to say high one because of the hour difference. The one of course standing for 1 pm.

So now, whenever I have a gunfight with someone, I’ll be sure to hold it at high one at the village square. That’s so us gunfighters will know when to meet even if our watches are broken. Just as long as we can tell when the sun is at its highest, we can meet at high one.

That’s not the only thing that will have to change. Midnight, or the middle of the night, will now be at 1 am. So witches will have to adjust their witching hour, too.

If this affects you adversely, and you are a witch or a gunfighter, we intend to launch a class action suit against this madness. After all, gunfighters and witches prefer it if you’re off balance a couple days of the year. This can work to their advantage.

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The Real Competition for The Weather Network

Posted on 9 April 2022 by Larry Russwurm

I’ve taken a lot of math courses over the years, and still I wonder why The Weather Network will not give a 50% chance of precipitation. All the other 10s are there. 0%, 10 %, 20%, 30%, 40%, 60%, 70%, 80%, 90% and 100%. Just not 50%.

You could guess that The Weather Network uses 40% when the chance is slightly less than 50% and 60% when the odds are greater than 50%. Maybe they’re trying to help us make a decision. But if that’s the case, you can still use that 10% accuracy thing and say the odds are 50 + % or 50 – % to let us know which reality is more likely. But no. They treat us like little babies and don’t ever use 50%.

I’ll tell you the real reason. They don’t want us to realize that their real competitor is a coin flip. As such they never let us see a 50% chance of anything. Knowing full well that we will drop our visits to their site or station and use a coin to decide the matter with as much accuracy as they are giving.

So, from now on, once I hear that there is a 40% or 60% chance of precipitation from the weather network, I will use my coin to decide the matter. It will be a carefully selected coin, one side of which will be the Queen since I am Canadian. I will gouge an X across her face since I am mildly against the royal family, and use that to mark the bad outcomes. You know, if you’re going to an outdoor wedding and thus you need sun, the X side denotes the outcome of rain. Or if your enemy is planning a round of golf, the X can denote the outcome of sun.

Many of you may think from the above that I am totally against the royal family. But I assure you that I am not. Those who really think the royal family are vile and evil and live and any other anagram of evil, will leave the royal side of our currency alone. After all the face of the Queen is enough to denote evil and thus bad outcomes all by itself. There’s no need for an X.

Some of you may notice once I start using my coin and the coin flip, that I sometimes do terrible things. Then, just to be contrary, at other times I start doing praiseworthy things. I will have Two-faced myself and I’m afraid you’ll have to call in Batman.

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Slapped Into Last Week

Posted on 2 April 2022 by Larry Russwurm

You’ve all seen the slap by now, the one Chris Rock didn’t think was coming or else he would have ducked. But what you didn’t see was what happened to Chris.

The slap was so hard it knocked Chris into last week. At first he just noticed that he was home suddenly in daylight. He wondered how this could be. So he wandered around his house till he saw a newspaper that should have been in the recycling. It said March 20 instead of March 27. Realizing what might have happened, Chris checked his phone again. It said the 27th. He went to the living room and found the time on the television said March 20th.

If he had really been sent back to the past, he wondered where his week old self was. He couldn’t remember exactly where he was a week ago but he knew he would have been home. He checked all the rooms of his house. He even checked the front and back yards. Nothing. It was then he developed his time travel exclusion principle. There could only be one of you at one time. If you go back you are erasing that self.

But what to do about the slap? If he didn’t get slapped, might that not erase his present self? He didn’t know. But if he did get slapped, wouldn’t that lock him in a time loop? One that he might never get out of again?

Maybe this was the universe’s way of telling him to change the joke. If he did, it might save him from being trapped in the time loop.

The week went by and time found him again on that Oscar stage. This time he would leave Jada and her hair alone. Instead Chris said. “There they are, right at the front. The Smith brood. And might I say what a brooding lot they are.”

This seemed innocuous enough but Will Smith got up and slapped Chris again.

There was a discontinuity as Chris found himself in his house, again in daylight. This time the television said it was March 23rd. The universe was saying he was on the right track but his joke just wasn’t there yet. He had tried changing the joke from bothering Jada to the brood. Now, he thought, the target ought to be Will Smith himself.

The 27th came around again and Chris found himself on that same stage again. So he turned to Will Smith and said, “You used to be the fresh prince. But now you’re such a stale prince that you tried to go by the name King Richard this year.”

Will Smith came up to the stage and slapped Chris.

Again there was discontinuity and Chris found himself in daylight at home. This time the television told him that it was the 26th. So close, but Chris felt he needed to know more.

He got a security camera with software to lip read what was said and got permission to set it up at the Dolby Theater. He said nothing about the lip reading capabilities.

It was burned in his brain where Will and Jada were going to sit and the next night he listened to what Will and Jada were saying as they got to their seats.

“Front row!” said an excited Will while settling in. “You know, we can get up and slap any comedian making fun of us.”

“If it’s one of the three hosts or another comedienne, let me do it.” said Jada.

“Alright. I’ll take on any guys who dare.”

There it was. Chris had thought there might be a way around the universe’s attempts to edit him in regards to the Smith brood. But he had never imagined a premeditated slap.

Since he couldn’t say a joke about the Smith brood, Chris faked a cough and told the producer he couldn’t go on.

“Yeah,” she said, “these changes in temperature really affect your health. It’s been unseasonably warm all week but now it’s back down to normal.”

Chris wondered if he should have taken a jacket but as he stepped outside to his waiting limo he shivered while it was snowing. He should have taken a winter coat. At least that’s what his limo driver said.

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Spring Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 26 March 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Of all the genres, you would think that historical fiction would be the most respectful of traditions. Well there is a long established tradition in which the setting of a story is brought up, right at the outset. But I don’t see historical fiction using it much. Writers of historical fiction ought to start their tales with “Once upon a time”.

*

Women’s pant waists seem to be getting higher all the time. This is just fashion and I’ll just have to deal with it. However, it seems to me that waists can’t get any higher without the pants themselves becoming overalls. And even from here, the style can continue to expand. Soon women will be decked out in onesies and will have all sorts of problems when it comes to going to the bathroom easily. Yes, fashion can go a step too far and this is it.

*

I’ve heard of companies wanting to deduct the salary of employees, if they want to continue to work from home. The company at this point can save a bit on rent and lighting and heating and still they want to save more off the backs of its employees. Well if this is your company, there is now no doubt that it is an evil corporation. It wants to profit twice off the same thing.

Feel free to give the company a bill for rental of your workspace at home. Make sure it matches the amount the company deducts off your check for working at home. If they fire you instead of paying the rent, you’ve probably saved yourself years of aggravation at a company that just doesn’t value its employees.

*

Did you know that trust in the media is at an all time low? I got this from the media and frankly I don’t buy it. Which makes this story true. But I know how they slant things so I don’t buy it, etc.

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Well Trained Caterpillars

Posted on 19 March 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Lately I’ve been aware of what I think of as “actor eyebrows”. These are usually longer brows than most, a bit thicker, but most importantly the owner has such complete control over them that they can bend into strange and bizarre positions.

Some actors I think of as having these eyebrows are James Dean, Mandy Moore, Eugene Levy and Drew Barrymore. For Drew, she is from an actor family and I think that perhaps those eyebrows were passed down in the family from actor to actor. So perhaps the actor eyebrow is genetic.

I, for instance, can’t even be considered to be an actor because I can’t make my eyebrows move the way that these people can. I have three eyebrow expressions. The first is the quizzical raising of my one eyebrow. When I try to raise my other eyebrow, I get a sort of puzzled expression. And lastly I can raise both eyebrows.

I’ve tried moving my eyebrows how these pros do it and I just can’t manage it. I’m thinking that it is likely that there are many others like me. Those who wouldn’t be considered for acting jobs because we don’t have actor eyebrows.

It seems to me these eyebrows are highly prized because they can go into all sorts of positions that normal eyebrows can’t. These “new” positions can be said to emote any emotion that the director is trying to emote. Since humanity can’t universally put their eyebrows in these positions, we can ascribe to these positions any emotions we want. And that is the power of the actor eyebrows.

To be thought of as a great actor, I’m just going to have to wait until they have well trained caterpillars that can attach to my face, over my eyebrows and wiggle into any position that is necessary. Finally with these fake eyebrows I might be considered to be a great actor one day.

Maybe I’ll be able to make my brows go into such strange positions that I could get a job unique to me. Kind of how Elizabeth Montgomery could wiggle her nose on the show Bewitched, and that became the signal that she was using magic.

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Roy G Biv and Other Skooling

Posted on 12 March 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Quick, what are the colours of the rainbow? No hints except maybe the title.

Wrong! Listing the colours of the rainbow is impossible because there are at least millions of gradations in a spectrum which is what a rainbow really is. Neither English nor any other language has enough words to mean all those colours.

Yes, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and Violet are in the spectrum and in that order, but they are not the totality of the the spectrum or rainbow. If you know Roy G. Biv, you have committed a mnemonic to memory that you didn’t need to.

I also have to out the rainbow flag. It’s not a rainbow. A rainbow would have those six colours but also a million gradations between them.

Now that I have outed the rainbow flag, it feels great to have that pressure off my chest. Coming out of the closet on this is very freeing.

If you don’t agree with me, you can always say something different. After all no matter how flat you make a pancake, it always has two sides.

Ahem. No matter how flat you make a pancake it always has three sides. One side, the other side, and the outside or rim.

It’s the same with a coin. That’s why a coin toss is never 50/50. It’s 49.9997/49.9997/0.0006, the 0.0006 representing the times the coin lands on its edge. These are not totally accurate numbers just a guesstimate so you can see what I mean.

I hope you feel skooled by my technicalities. Some of you are laughing at my spelling of skooled and saying you got me on that. Yes. Be smug with your technicality. Now you know how I feel.

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Let Sleeping Cats Lie

Posted on 5 March 2022 by Larry Russwurm

My cat, Bast, is overweight. That combined with her age, means she can no longer jump up to the bed. She can however jump up to the futon and curl up there.

I was worried about this last fall as we were getting into the colder seasons. I have all tile floors. She likes lying on them in the summer because they are cool compared to the rest of the place. But in winter that coolness is not desired. The tiles get so cold that I need to wear slippers. For warmth all the poor cat had was the futon and some mats.

I bought her a cheap cat bed years ago and although small, I thought she would use it. After all if any shirt or clothing made it onto the floor she would settle on it. But she never liked the cat bed and never slept on it.

So last fall I bought a bigger cat bed that had cushioning inside it. She didn’t take to it. I picked her up and put her on it but she immediately squirmed and took off. So I lay it there, beside her favourite mat hoping that eventually she would try it.

Later this winter, I caught her sleeping on the mat with her head on the cat bed, like it was a giant pillow. Indeed It is bigger than my pillow. It was cute. I caught her sleeping like that between 5 and 10 times in the last couple weeks.

I think she likes it now but not for its intended purpose. It is now a giant cat pillow. And she has feelings enough for it that just the other day I saw her licking it like it was her baby or best friend (it’s not weird because it is fuzzy like another cat).

So I’ll say this was a semi successful purchase. Obviously she enjoys lying on the mat more. I just now caught her sleeping with it as her pillow so enjoy the photo.

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