My Socks

Posted on 28 August 2021 by Larry Russwurm

Fruit of the Loom likes to emblazon their name everywhere when they make a product. That’s why I was unsurprised that the socks I bought from that company had Fruit of the Loom emblazoned across the toes. In case you’re wondering, the name is oriented so I can read it easily while wearing them. If you are across from me you will have to use your upside down reading skills.

But the name stretches completely across the socks. That is the F has to be at the edge of the socks for the M of Loom to be visible against the other edge of the sock. It is a tricky, painstaking thing to have to put the socks on so perfectly, that the whole name is visible.

So in other words I don’t bother lining up the sock perfectly. Thus, all that is visible is a partial name. Sometimes it says Fruit of the Lo. This is where I imagine dwarves picking fruit like tomatoes or berries from low positions.

There is the much grosser Fruit of the Loo. Here I think of Loo as the British bathroom. As for something being fruit in there, I first of all rule out liquids because fruit is never a liquid. To me the fruit is the result of your labour in there. Perhaps it looks more like logs than normal fruit, but it is what it is.

The name can be cut off the other way, too. Ruit of the Loom comes up quite often when I am wearing my socks. I often wonder what this means. I assume the phrase is really Root of the Loom. So I think of more basic things that are loom-like. The one I most come up with is basket weaving. There you have the repeated under over pattern that baskets as well as clothes are made of.

Another interesting name that comes up is It of the Loom. I see the loom working at breakneck speed and out of this machine comes bright clothes. And then, somehow, evilly it manages to make a clown’s face as part of the weave. Then magically it comes together as a full, 3D clown. A menacing clown. Sorry, Stephen King, but despite all this horror I am still more horrified by Fruit of the Loo.

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Fun With the Fine Arts

Posted on 21 August 2021 by Larry Russwurm

The fine arts are fun. Ask anybody (except those who bleed, perspire or cry for their art!). Just look at some of the words used to describe the fine arts.

We’ll start off with music. Music is fun! Just look at the verb used when you are doing music. You play guitar or you play piano. Or more passively when you feel like hearing it, you play music. And play is one of the funnest verbs imaginable.

That same word, used as a noun, is in theatre. A unit of theatre is the play. It is further divided into acts and acts imply action. Of course theatre is fun with its lots of plays and lots of action. And so too is it’s younger sister, the flashier cinema where action becomes a whole genre.

So what is fun about stand up comedy? Where you have to speak in front of a crowd and deal with hecklers. Basically you are just joking around. And that can be enough fun all by itself.

But wait you say, writing fiction is a rather staid profession. What possible fun can authors have when it takes them a year or more to write a book? It’s called fiction for a reason. It is lies. Authors have the task of selling built up lies and fabrications for a profit. Why that sounds like fun to me!

But wait. What about the mother of all the arts? Simply called visual art or just art. Sketching, drawing, sculpting, painting, illustrating, inking and all other art words I can think of don’t describe fun. What is wrong with this fine art? Why can’t it be obviously fun like the rest of the fine arts?

Well it has the gravity of all the fine arts and arts being named after it. Some of the other fine arts are listed above. The arts contain all the remaining disciplines that aren’t a science. I guess that’s a huge responsibility for visual art and if it doesn’t keep itself grounded it can be a grandiose, delusional mess for the participants.

Plus there are starving artists and who wants to be that? Generally that is the fear instilled in would be artists by parents who want all doctors and lawyers as their genetic legacy. But doctors and lawyers all the way down in a family tree is boring. A starving artist is likely a nice change from the humdrum. So in a way even starving artists can be fun.

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White Face

Posted on 14 August 2021 by Larry Russwurm

Largely Justin Trudeau got away with the black face he used because whites are the majority in Canada and North America. I guess that by and large blacks don’t want to use white face in revenge because then many whites will think they now have permission to use black face, no matter the occasion.

But I would just like to say that ‘white face’ already exists in our culture. That’s right, the much maligned mime uses white face. I don’t know the history or even the reason why but it is so strong that it has become tradition for the mime.

So maybe people could imply doing white face around Justin Trudeau – without the white faces or any makeup at all.

Say Justin’s motorcade is coming down your street on its way to the airport. If you are in a twosome, one of you could stand on each side of the road. You could then mime a rope between you, in the path of the motorcade.

On second thought let’s scratch that one. Sometimes motorcades use motorcycles and a real rope could haul down a motorcycle. So the authorities in charge might try to arrest you for your joke.

Still you could mime ‘the inside of a box’. Maybe not at a motorcade but whenever Justin is in the same area as you.

Say you’re having your wedding outside. And Justin decides to photo bomb you. You could mock him by doing ‘the inside of a box’. Here the mocking is more than justified. He thinks he is so special that any group would just love to be photo bombed by him. But even more importantly, when he photo bombs, he is not surrounded by guards who are ready to arrest people no matter how slight the provocation.

You could also save the rope for when Justin is being interviewed outside and you and a friend are in the background.

I would love to tell you how to do a few more mime tricks around Justin, to truly mock his black face. But let’s face facts. Miming as an art is generally so boring that I would fall asleep while watching the third, fourth and fifth miming tricks.

I guess you could say that miming is boring. Or vanilla, Or white bread. But if it can mock the leader (Justin) then it suddenly becomes interesting.

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Drinking

Posted on 7 August 2021 by Larry Russwurm

I bet most of you, when seeing that title, think about alcohol drinking first. The fact that each and every day you drink more water and other liquids just doesn’t seem to register in our society. Drinking usually means alcohol to us.

So a teetotaler is a non drinker. Indeed, when you say teetotaler most think it is a pretentious word. Non drinker is less likely to raise eyebrows. Of course a non drinker drinks. Water, juice, milk, tea, coffee and soft drinks are some of the options.

Soft drinks is a term that differentiates pop from alcoholic beverages. Presumably alcoholic drinks are hard drinks. Or as is sometimes the case, just drinks. If someone says they need a drink it is probably alcohol they are after. Despite the fact that they never need alcohol and every day they need some water.

Of course it is addiction that turns wants into ‘needs’. I just wish that the accepted English terminology wasn’t in favour of the addicts. You want a beer and need water is much more correct.

I looked up “what is the term for overdrinking?” where I meant water overdrinking. Most of the responses on the search engine were alcohol anonymous and other alcohol cessation services and alcohol terminology. I eventually got my answer in the other, very limited amount of responses. Overhydration is the term I was looking for.

Then there is the idea that Europeans drink too much alcohol. The reasoning goes like this. Europe’s water was just too filthy and contaminated that the only safe thing to drink was wine and other alcoholic beverages.

Of course Europeans went to drinking alcohol. I wouldn’t be surprised if all their languages promoted alcohol to be the first thing to think of when the subject of drinking comes about. Just like English. But really, no one ever thought of using juices to drink instead of water? How about tea and coffee where the water they use is boiled first?

One more thing about drinking alcohol. In the noughties it was largely suggested that you should drink small amounts of alcohol on a regular basis to extend your life. Studies were twisted to agree with this take. Since then real studies have been done and it has been found that the greater your alcohol consumption, the shorter your lifespan. It doesn’t extend life, it shortens it.

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Australian Woman Wakes Up With Irish Accent After Surgery

Posted on 31 July 2021 by Larry Russwurm

With such a mind bending headline we hit the streets to see what the average North American thought about this oddity.

First we interviewed a woman who wouldn’t allow us to publish her real name. So we will call her Fran. Fran asked, “So we had one foreigner talk like another foreigner? That’s what I would call a push. We still have one foreigner, no matter how you look at it. And they still talk like a foreigner so nothing has improved.”

‘Tom’, our second interviewee, asked, “But, was either accent thin enough that a self respecting North American might be able to understand her words? Or did she speak slowly enough in either accent so that she was rendered understandable? I have questions!”

Our third interviewee, ‘Murray’ asked, “Does it make a difference? One mumbo jumbo accent for another. Clearly she has no plans to be acceptable in America. So why should we care? America is number one!

Our next interviewee, ‘Trixie’ asked, “Who cares? Now if she changed from some foreign accent to the North American accent, that would be something. I’d be the first person to congratulate her. You must be proud, I’d say, to have gone from being difficult to understand to listenable.”

Our last interviewee, ‘Sheila’ had a delightful accent. We told her so. She said she was Australian. We definitely wanted her point of view.

“Well going from speaking normal Australian to Irish gobbledygook is not going to earn her a lot of mates in Australia. Or let her keep many of her old mates. I’d say her best bet would be to ship off to Ireland. There she could relate to the people better.”

But most North Americans we interviewed, didn’t say anything of import. Most just said, “Well how do you expect me to tell the difference?” How indeed.

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New Shepard Rocket Successfully Ejects People Into Space

Posted on 24 July 2021 by Larry Russwurm

I was aghast to finally see the New Shepard rocket with it’s life support pod on top. It looked so much like male genitalia that I am not going to link to a picture of it because I do not link to pornography. I haven’t seen something so obviously phallic since Darth Vader – Mr. Dickhead himself.

Anyhow, the reasons are obvious why I choose to call this the penismobile. Hot dog cars might have been called this on occasion, but I’m sure those namers will bow out after having seen the New Shepard rocket with its payload of people.

Now I know why Bezos and his mouthpieces were so down on Virgin Galactic’s flight and insisted that ship never made it to space. It’s because that ship looked cool and Bezos ship looks like a penis.

They’re also down on Virgin Galactic because Virgin Galactic has floated a price of $250 000 for a flight while the lowest Bezos and co. has said for the paying public was 28 million dollars. Now presumably the 18 year old paid less since he was only the second highest bidder. So let’s say 25 million dollars. Or about 100 times the price of the trip on Virgin Galactic.

Worse news has come out of the United States since the trip. The United States doesn’t want to give astronaut wings to the passengers of either rocketry program. Which means they won’t allow the title of astronaut be given to the people riding in their trips to space.

So allow me to suggest a name that is obvious for someone who comes out of a penismobile. Each person that goes to space this way may be called a spermatozoon. Spermatozoa compete with each other to impregnate others with the idea that what they did was thrilling and that space will be conquered soon.

So be one of possibly millions of spermatozoa running around the world, a product of New Shepard’s rising then ejection. You, too, can say you were sired by Jeff Bezos wet dreams.

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Where is the Edge of Space?

Posted on 17 July 2021 by Larry Russwurm

Rebuffed at being the first billionaire in space, Jeff Bezos and his mouthpieces have turned on Richard Branson’s accomplishment and said quite plainly that Branson never reached space.

Bezos argument says that to enter space you have to pass the Karman line at 62 miles above the earth. The Karman line is recognized in more parts of the earth than American reckoning of where space begins.

Branson went by the American reckoning of 50 miles as the boundary for space. But isn’t 62 miles a more fundamental measure than the simple 50 the Americans chose?

Both are lazy definitions. I’m not sure which side chose first but 50 miles is obviously an easy to pick number. But did you know the Karman line is really just 100 kilometers above the earth? It sounds even more lazy than the American definition. Probably because it is. If I were Karman, I would be embarrassed that they lazily picked my name for that line.

It’s basically just a spat over which is better, imperial measurements or metric measurements.

I am embarrassed that I chose my own name for the following definition. Yes, the Russwurm line is 100 miles above sea level. It is my definition for the beginning of space.

Yes, Jeff Bezos, you are being outsnobbed. Your rocket only goes a bit above the Karman line. But this is nowhere near the 100 miles of the Russwurm line. So by all definitions of the beginnings of space you have not achieved what you set out to achieve.

If Richard Branson didn’t go to space, neither did you, Jeff Bezos. That’s what happens when you pin your ambitions on something so arbitrary as the beginning of space. Good luck with your sub space mission on Tuesday.

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What to Do With the Wilmot John A MacDonald Statue

Posted on 10 July 2021 by Larry Russwurm

John A. MacDonald was Canada’s first prime minister. He also helped institute the Residential schools system that tortured and abused young indigenous Canadians. All this was done far away from their families and resulted in many deaths in unmarked graves. Because of this, MacDonald’s name is currently being taken off of many schools and other homages.

A plan to honour each prime minister with a statue in Wilmot Township here in southwestern Ontario has finally been trashed. This came after the John A. MacDonald sculpture had red paint thrown on it a number of times.

In the article I linked to is a picture of the sculpture of John A. MacDonald for this project. He leans on two chairs. I think that this was going to be an interactive feature where two subjects could sit in the chairs with John A.

I’ve listened to the “don’t erase history” crowd and I think the sculpture could still be used somewhere if we cut off the chairs.

Why cut off the chairs? Well then John A. appears less welcoming. He also looks off kilter and a bit unbalanced. As well he will look like he has no support anymore.

And for good measure we can throw red paint on this sculpture to finish him. After all we’ve gotten used to seeing him with red paint and he looks kind of naked without it. It also illustrates the blood he has on him.

Now my ideas may not be exactly what the “don’t erase history” crowd wanted. But not only does it show the history of the mid to late 19th century, it will also illustrate the history of our present day. And displaying him in this way is better than paying for storage for him.

I would also like to note that John A. MacDonald was knighted in his day. Note that more and more people are failing to use the honourific Sir when discussing him. I really can’t blame them. Not one tiny bit. How does that feel John A.?

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Billionaires vs Billionaires

Posted on 3 July 2021 by Larry Russwurm

By now I bet we’ve all heard about the billionaire space race. Who is going to be the first billionaire into space? Well actually it’s more than that. Which billionaire will be first into space on their own company’s rocket?

First it looked like Jeff Bezos had this thing. He was the first billionaire to set a date. July 20th of this month he will be going up on his Blue Origin rocket.

Then Richard Branson couldn’t resist and announced he would go up on July 11 in his Virgin Galactic plane to rocket. It’s billionaire Branson vs. billionaire Bezos for best business.

But is this the best we can do? If we’re seriously going to have a billionaire vs. billionaire match-up, the competition that I most want to see (and therefore the world) is two billionaires battling head to head in a mixed martial arts event.

It would probably take a good six months for these highly motivated individuals to ready themselves for such a competition. But in the meantime hype would have reached almost every corner of the globe and at last we’d have our fight.

For two untried individuals the purse for such a fight would be huge. Perhaps in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Or (say it with me now with your curled up hand in your face while your outstretched pinky touches the corner of your mouth) One. Million. Dollars.

It would definitely be worth these billionaires’ time to do this event. They could walk in with capes that had Blue Origin and Virgin Galactic pasted on. They could take them off and then fly them like a flag for the whole match.

Now that’s the kind of showmanship they used in the old days. It’s about time they got it right. I bet it would promote the projects of this pair better than anything.

And if a billionaire or two manages to get his teeth knocked out, that’s just the random event generator that is mixed martial arts.

Finally we would have the show that the public really wants. Bezos is younger and has that advantage, while Branson plays dirty in case you didn’t get that from his one upping of Bezos. The results are going to be spectacular.

Perhaps another billionaire could challenge Trump and we could have a billionaire series. Indeed every billionaire should be made to fight MMA style at least once. After all they keep telling us we live in a meritocracy. So perhaps billionaires could show a little merit.

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Did Disney Purchase Marvel for the Potential Lawsuits?

Posted on 26 June 2021 by Larry Russwurm

I don’t think that Marvel can sustain the success they’ve had at the box office for too much longer. Oh it’s not going to be a precipitous drop – just a slow and steady drop off after the Avengers peak. Which means that Disney might have paid too much for the franchise.

But if I know the mouse, they are thinking of other money making ventures with the property. They have money to retain lawyers so I am expecting lawsuits in the future. But where exactly?

I think they were pleased to have purchased Iron Man, because of the potential lawsuits over the name. You know, with those iron man competitions that they hold all over the world. Where you have to swim, bicycle and run large distances. Disney will want a cut.

And to a lesser extent, Disney will want a cut of Iron Man royalties from Black Sabbath’s famous song.

Also, Disney is waiting for missteps from the DC franchise, Shazam. That superhero was originally called Captain Marvel before DC sued the creators into non existence for Captain Marvel being too much like Superman.

While the Captain Marvel imprint was dead, Marvel Comics took the name and started their own Captain Marvel.

A few years later, DC paid for the rights of the original Captain Marvel and entitled it Shazam for the magic word that Billy Batson says to change into Captain Marvel. Like it or not, there are now two Captain Marvels. Disney lawyers are likely salivating at the chance to sue DC for the rights of naming someone Captain Marvel.

But isn’t the mouse a source for good in the world and would never file frivolous lawsuits? Apparently you haven’t heard of Disney trying to back out of paying copyright to certain science fiction authors for their original treatments of Star Wars books. They reason that they never agreed to the original licencing terms that George Lucas did so they own the property but don’t have to pay copyrights to the authors. You could say the mouse has become evil. How would it be if we denied Disney’s copyrights? Suddenly copyright rules would be important again.

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