Man Eating Aliens: It’s Time

It’s a common expression; animals are fattened up before the harvest. You’ve heard it, I’ve heard it and you can bet your bottom dollar that the intelligent aliens checking us out have heard it.

Now would be the logical time for the slaughter of mankind and the alien feast. Obesity is at record levels world wide and, as more countries become capable of a North American lifestyle. they are going to eat. So now is the time for North America to be harvested. If there are really aliens that love eating partially intelligent species, that time has come. Because North Americans are learning more about food and what makes us fat. They are even investigating things like epigenetics to turn the power down on some of the genes that make us fat. Aliens, the time must be now.

But the longer that obese North Americans stay off the dinner plates of the superior aliens, the more I think aliens are almost exactly like humans in their choice of diet.

If the aliens are only middle class, I bet that they would choose abundant foods over good for you foods. Only the upper class will choose lean meat. But if the aliens are really more advanced than us, they’ve quite possibly raised the lower and middle classes to the position of the upper class. I’m betting the aliens want lean meat, rich in protein and low in fat.

I think the aliens were responsible for that light bulb moment that Charles Atlas had. 98 pound weaklings have too little meat on their bones to be tempting to our alien harvesters. Charles Atlas on the other hand would probably be considered a feast by the aliens.

So weightlifting culture has grown. From the Mr. Universe pageants to Arnie, Sly, Lou and Mr. T becoming household names, those upper class aliens are preparing for a harvest. Soon there will be a tipping point in the number of weightlifters and at long last the alien farmers can eat.

Protein your name is weightlifter.

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Never Trust Anyone Under 30

Do you remember that old refrain, “Never trust anyone over 30”. Maybe you don’t but I’ll bet all baby boomers and some gen Xers (like me) certainly do. This is the credo that brought drug culture to a very large proportion of the young ever since it was uttered. Age warfare was also a big result. This separated the baby boomers from their parents.

The Who line, “Hope I die before I get old,” gets used in My Generation. And it was common to discuss the ‘generation gap’ when the baby boomers were young.

Imagine the irony, many years later as the baby boomers themselves came to the age of 30 and then passed it. This was not lost on a baby boomer centred show called “30 Something” which was squarely aimed at the aging baby boomer.

The baby boomers continued to age. Now the lead baby boomers are inflating the amount of people who are officially retired.

Millenials are the generation under 30 years of age. For years they have been struggling to get any job at all and now the ones who did get employed still make little money. Baby boomers and (yes I’ll admit it) gen Xers seem disinclined to hire millenials for any type of monetarily rewarding jobs. The new refrain seems to be, “Never trust anyone under 30”.

There’s good news for all the generations. Metformin might be the first drug discovered that can slow the aging process. It works on some animals and has been given the go ahead to be tested in humans. Yay! Maybe we’ll all live longer.

Oops! Sorry to have foiled your plan millenials. Waiting for the older generations to die off may take a few more years than you expected.

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what Famous Pickup Lines Really Say

I’m sure the ladies will be told by their elders that the pickup lines that are served up to them, actually say more about the guy that used them then they say about the lady.

But this site intends to be much more specific. We are going to look at 5 of the most over the top pickup lines and say exactly what the lines say about the guy who used them.

1. “Is that a mirror in your pocket because I can really see myself in your pants?” This pickup line is the favourite of male cross dressers everywhere.

2. “You with all those curves and me with no brakes.” He’s telling his target he’s reckless so she will have to provide the birth control and he probably thinks of condoms as the brakes he won’t use.

3. “Is it hot in here or is it just you?” He’s basically saying that he’s not hot – just like the rest of the people in the room.

4. “You know what would look great on you? Me.” He’s already decided which sex position he’s going to use.

5. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” He’s got a thing for fallen angels. Did you hear that Lucifer?

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Making ‘Black MIDI’ White

Black MIDI is music, impossible to be played by human hands, on say a piano, because it is so note dense. Indeed the fact that it is so note dense means if these songs were written with normal music notation on a few sheets of paper, the sheets would be black with notes. That’s where the term black comes from.

With MIDI it is possible to program many, many notes so some black MIDI compositions play a million notes over the time of a 4 minute song. Read this excellent article on the subject and even hear some of these compositions.

But there is sort of a competition amongst the black MIDI composers to play the most note dense songs, or the blackest of the black MIDI. I have an idea to get myself into the middle of this competition.

First of all, I am a supporter of fat chords as I said in this article, so I am a bit of a fan of black MIDI.

Bends are allowed in music. A bend will play the infinity of notes between two different, in tune notes. Your ear won’t hear all the gradations possible but it will hear a lot of them. So bends allow a huge number of new notes.

Even fat chords don’t play the whole chromatic scale. But in the interest of blackest MIDI, I think we ought to use chords that do use the whole chromatic scale.

But if I want all the new notes I’ve added to black MIDI, won’t a machine that plays them be expensive?

Well excuse me if I take my $1.50 to the laundry room and dry some clothes. The white noise of the dryer includes all those extra notes from bends and the fattest chords. That can be the basis of the song and the clothes flopping around can be the melody.

I have now written one of the blackest of all black MIDI songs. I challenge anyone to make a blacker song. Or more of a white noise song -your pick.

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Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Mars

The inhabitants of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Mars called their planet Barsoom. For all my life, I just assumed that Burroughs had just made this name up, out of thin air. Having looked over the name again recently, I now think not.

Barsoom quite obviously contains the letters of the name Mars. With three letters left we can now see what Burroughs meant to hand down to his readers. The three letters left are B, O, and O and can only make up one English word : Boo! Sadly it’s too late to make this a Hallowe’en post.

I think Burroughs didn’t want us to boo Mars. Even in Burroughs time there was the thought that Mars could be in humanity’s future. So I think he meant Mars, boo!

The only successful previous novel to deal with Mars was H. G. Wells’ War of the Worlds. ‘Mars, boo!’ fits here because Wells chose to scare humanity with a Martian invasion. But that wasn’t what Burroughs offered up in his science fiction.

Barsoom had more than one intelligent race. Some Barsoomians were good and some were bad. But what John Carter, the hero, battled again and again was the propensity of Barsoomians to make each other into slaves. Slavery was Burroughs bugaboo (do you like my use of another word that has boo in it?)

When Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote a series of ‘Mars, boo!’ stories it was to scare us from being a society of slavers. What an excellent use of fear.

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NaNoWriMo the Fourth

It’s Hallowe’en and the countdown is on to the witching hour when NaNoWriMo begins. Will I be brave enough to set some words down at the break of midnight? Or will I choose to sleep fitfully, knowing a scary 1 667 words are necessary for the first and every day of November till I have completed the challenge?

I know what my regulars are thinking. There just isn’t much tension in NaNoWriMo because I have completed the challenge successfully, 3 times before.

Yes, I bask in the kudos of the last three outings and my eventual success. But wait. This year is different. What I intend to finish are three novellas which should be able to total 50 000 words. There is only one problem. I have already written the first novella some years ago. So I’m not sure that 2 novellas are sufficient to make the 50 000 words. So, again this NaNoWriMo Eve, there is tension and uncertainty.

And yes, for the third time in 4 NaNoWriMos, I am doing the challenge incorrectly. Three novellas make a book, not a novel. Ah well. What follows is my reasoning.

When I first discovered NaNoWriMo, I only heard of the 50 000 words in 30 days. Even though Novel is right there in the title I thought (and was encouraged by my sister Laurel), that the challenge was very much the same as when doing a book of short stories. Only after doing the challenge successfully for those short stories, did I hear about Camp NaNoWriMo and its varied goals to be accomplished.

Even if I knew about Camp NaNoWriMo I might still have opted to do the challenge in November. Why would I try such shenanigans? Well it is quite simple. I have come up with a series of stories which will span 6 books. Two of them are books of short stories that have already had the first draft done through NaNoWriMo. One is this year’s attempt at three novellas (The Invisibility Trio). And three books will be novels. The Interstellar Flit which I have already done the first draft of, and my next two years of entries in NaNoWriMo will be novels. So fully half my books are the accepted novels to be done during NaNoWriMo.

Taking after my first collection of short stories in the series, Fabrications, I have decided to name the six book series The Fabricated Series.

That is all. Or perhaps I should say that will be all in a few years, when my full series is finished.

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Marrying Smart Machines

Right away, I must tell you, this post is not about sexbots or any other possible way to have sex with electronics. I am only discussing a stratagem for dealing with the modern world.

You know that line that everyone has said to the avid user of a smart phone? “Are you married to that thing?” I choose to use the same line but I won’t be joking.

Two important words in English have recently had their legal definitions changed or expanded. Marriage is one of those two words and I suspect it’s definition can be expanded again to include marriage to electronics. No this is not a protest against gays and lesbians being able to marry. Instead, I suggest it be used to help people with the problem of the word ‘ownership’ being watered down.

It used to be that when you bought something, it and all the things the something did were yours alone and yours to control. But big media began to change that definition as soon as the idea of file sharing became common.

The idea of ‘trusted’ computing began circulating soon after. Trusted computing was the idea that you trusted certain software entities enough to give them access to your computer so they could ‘police’ your files. Of course this would leave you vulnerable to all the companies you allowed access. Unfortunately many companies are famous for once being good and now being evil. And any back door increases your risk of being hacked.

Company intrusiveness never died. Today smart TVs can record all your conversations and send them to a third party. The world has never looked brighter to a spy. Not only can you get a bug into everyone’s house, but they foot the bill for the bug – even including the cost of electricity and the line out.

Smart TVs made the news about this great breach of privacy. But smart phones, computers and smart cars all use the same voice activation technology and can easily transmit to a third party.

Of course many companies want the story of your life in excruciating detail so they can know what to try to sell you. But these privacy breaches get into worse territory where you and your loved ones could face worse insurance rates, be blackmailed, be jailed or worse because all this private information fell into the wrong hands. As long as people don’t rise up against these onerous repercussions, the pressure is only on the makers of smart everything to make your information easier and easier to get.

The astute of you got it from the marriage idea. If you marry your smart TV, your smart TV should have the rights of a true spouse. That is the married smart TV cannot be compelled to testify against you with communications you have made with it. (It’s simpler in the US: the married smart TV cannot be compelled to testify against you.) The condition of not cooperating against the smart TV spouse, could be the human’s condition of marriage. So married smart TVs would never testify against their spouse.

The definition of marriage has to be grown to include this. Bigamy has to be considered. Maybe you can have one human spouse, one smart TV spouse, one smart phone spouse, one smart car spouse, and one computer spouse.

But complications could result when switching electronics. Your two year old spurned smart phone might turn against you after you marry a new smart phone. It may threaten to give all the information it ever knew about you away to anyone and everyone. ‘Murder’ or recycling of the old spurned phone should be allowed.

But isn’t reciprocity a key feature of all marriages? Shouldn’t your brand new, much sought after smart phone be able to upgrade to a better human? Who knows what features a smart phone would seek? Someone who uses voice mode all the time to keep the smart phone clean as a whistle? Maybe your smart phone would seek someone who knows the most about its software, like an IT specialist. Or maybe the smart phone would want a young human who would be willing to try out all its features.

Full reciprocity demands you be recycled when your smart phone rejects you. Whether cremated or buried, new life will flow from your deceased body.

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After Albrecht Loses

haroldloses

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Future Shock or Enraging Bears

Future shock has long been the stuff of science fiction. I will not annoy you with ridiculous, cause-and-effect-ignoring time travel into the past. In this article we will only examine ignorant time travel where somehow the observer manages to ignore time’s passage for a while, until they are in the future. Ignorant time travel can include sleeping (I’m just being complete!), hibernation, suspended animation and cryogenics(corpsicles, anyone?). Most likely humans are expected to get to the future through suspended animation or cryogenics. If the human goes far enough into the future, future shock could set in.

Some science and tech can be extrapolated. Like Moore’s Law of increasing computer power. But even this longstanding dynamo is slowing and will grind to a halt once fundamental quantum physics limits are reached. But something like a laser can seem to come out of nowhere. Einstein came up with the idea for the Stimulated Emission of Radiation (what are the last three letters in Laser?) and about a half a century later a scientist produced a laser using this theory. So some of scientific advance is refinement and some of it comes out of left field.

Cultural, sociological and political changes can come from almost anywhere and are not subject to linear extrapolations. All the unanticipated things that can happen mean that future shock has a bigger and bigger likelihood of happening the further one travels into the future. So, are our hands tied or is there some way we can experiment with future shock even today. I believe there is a way.

Bears and other animals are known to hibernate for months in the winter. Unfortunately not enough happens over the winter for bears to be in much bewilderment from future shocks. My experiments (if the government would fund me) plan to accelerate the change for the bears.

While the bear hibernates in its cave, myself and a team will make a bear proof maze that stretches from the lone cave entrance to quite a big territory. It will be so big that the bear will really have to think if it is going to get free and find the food that is necessary for its survival. This could be studied as a sort of life threatening future shock.

Experiment two would also make the bear work for its food. Most people know of the fall salmon run when that fish returns to its spawning ground from the sea. Bears take advantage of this season and stand in the river by small falls, catching the exhausted fish as they try to jump up them. In fact bears are known to catch enough salmon to fatten themselves up for hibernation.

Instead of letting the studied bear have its easy prey, my scientific team would put bear proof covers over all the easy points to kill spawning salmon, like shallow water and falls in the subject bear’s territory. This would be a hibernation threatening thing that could lead to a life threatening future shock.

The third experiment I would try on the bears would be to divide its territory into three and put three other bears’ markings in each area. It would be necessary to place urine and scat of the three other bears in the right spots. Trees the other bears had used for scratching their backs could be inside the territory.

That third bear would awaken to a whole different society. One where future bears got along in a smaller territory. With no space for itself, it would be interesting to examine what the original bear would do. Would it try to fight for its full territory? Or would it move on?

The last experiment isn’t a future shock experiment but a “displacement shock” experiment. It’s as easy as it sounds. We would just move a hibernating bear to a different territory. It could be done in an already occupied territory or two bears could be made to switch places.

Through bears we can gain a better understanding of future shock. Together with watching the bear reactions that are successful we might figure out the best strategies for coping with future shock.

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Canadian Attack Ads About to Get Worse

It’s coming down to the last few weeks of the Canadian election. Attack ads have gotten worse. Of course Harper started the attack ads first. Now the NDP have joined in. It’s only a matter of time until the Liberals wade in with their best insults. The Greens seem to want to keep things clean. But even they might have a breaking point.

Attacks will only get worse until the parties are like those word bullies on the playground. The parties are not there yet but my prediction is that they will all get there by the final election week.

To soften the blow of these future insults, I will say them here so that will take some of the sting out of them when they are actually used by the parties. The parties will make attacks on the very names of their competitors.

The Conservatives will be called the ‘Cons-are-active’ party. The NDP will be called the ‘NDPeeing’ party. The Liberals will be called the ‘Fiberals’. Finally the Green party will be called the ‘Mean’ party.

You will think that is all, as far as the parties can go. But wait, they all have a particular colour associated with them. This will also be used against them.

The Liberals are associated with red, out of which will come the insulting refrain, ‘red is dead’. The Conservatives are associated with blue out of which will come the demeaning refrain ‘the blue poo’. Again there will be a rhyme for Green which will probably be ‘obscene green’. The NDP is associated with orange out of which will come ‘orange –‘ er how about ‘orange –‘ um okay, I guess nothing rhymes with orange.

Now I see it – the reason the NDP is willing to make attacks. If things digress as far as they can, then the NDP is golden, or at least a golden orange.

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