Dyson Has Yet to Even Acknowledge the Vacuum’s Arch Enemy

Posted on 20 July 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Their is no doubt that Dyson has made vacuum cleaners infinitesimally better more than once. But I’m not going to tell you that company’s ads. Instead, I’ll deal with that one topic the company and inventor have so far completely ignored. That is the vacuum cleaner’s arch enemy – the common housecat or felix vacuumius hatius.

Every cat owner knows that as soon as any vacuum cleaner is turned on it sends the cat of the house fleeing for safety. Sometimes even the cat’s safest of places needs vacuuming. There has been little respite for our furry friends. Personally, I am trying my best for my cat by inhabiting an apartment without any carpet. But even I have thought life might be easier with my cat’s archest of enemies.

So I guess it’s up to me to come up with a vacuum that Dyson and all the other vacuum companies have missed.

The first thing I note is that it seems to be the sound of the vacuum that has cats everywhere fleeing for their lives. So perhaps sound is where we should start.

We can do this scientifically by finding pleasing sounds for cats. But sound is a monstrous domain. One type of sound is music. One type of music is country music. For years my Dad had a room filled floor to ceiling along every wall with just the Canadian country music put out on vinyl. Each LP contains forty minutes of different musical sounds.

As you see we are looking for a needle in a haystack. Instead, we should have started with the sounds that cats make and judge these sounds by their reactions to them. Cats like purring sounds of course. So instead of a roar, we must make vacuums quieter, as quiet as their own purrs. That’s where the future lies in vacuuming.

And I heard you non cat lovers thinking that if only we could make vacuums louder with more of a hiss to them. For shame. May the cats of the world spit out a hairball on your property.

Perhaps it’s not the sound but the actions of the vacuum that arouse a cat’s ire and fear. Vacuums suck away dirt and sometimes scents too. All the marking of its territory that the cat puts down each and every day might partially disappear due to the sucking of the vacuum.

Perhaps a scent, analyzed to be exactly your cat’s scent, could be put on a marker at one end of the floor attachment of the vacuum. Then you could clean up in such a way that you are marking the carpet for your cat after suctioning.

Now I know this requires chemistry and the willingness to put a scent on your carpet even while you are cleaning it. But isn’t your little shnookums of a cat worth it? After all I’ve heard that cats, when confronted by their owner’s death and no more food, only begin to eat the owner after feeling a second or two of remorse.

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Only Coke Would See a Bright Side to Living in a Big Brother State

Posted on 13 July 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Have you seen the latest feel good television advertisement from Coca Cola? Here in Canada and I don’t know where all else they are showing good deeds caught by surveillance cameras. All to the strains of the sweet song Give a Little Bit by Supertramp.

I won’t give away the entire commercial but there is a part where some young man steals a first kiss from a young female. And there is the part of the commercial where a man pushes what I presume to be a stalled minivan off the railway tracks and escapes the train by only a second.

If we didn’t have surveillance cameras installed everywhere we might never have seen these heartwarming moments. Coke has found the one bright spot in a big brother state.

But why stop here Coke? The Soviet Union also had cameras rolling from time to time. Perhaps you can find something in the KGB archives that is heartwarming. Like a young man stealing a kiss from a young woman. Now maybe that young woman’s family objects and was connected to high places in the communist party. So maybe the young man ended up being sent to the Gulags. Still it was a sweet moment.

Cameras were also certainly around in Nazi Germany. Perhaps there is brave film of a Slavic father taking a bullet for one of his defenceless children. That’s at least as heartwarming as the train incident. Only with more serious consequences.

How about it Coke? Support the Big Brother state as far as it goes. To Soviet levels of intrusion. To Nazi levels of intrusion. To Orwellian levels of intrusion.

After this commercial, I bet Coke will do better than Pepsi for the government employees of CSIS, the RCMP and other law enforcement agencies that are the architects of the new big brother state.

Perhaps Coke can expand to all security personnel including security guards, prison guards, bouncers and private investigators. Your ad might get you the politically well connected and a large part of the court system.

If the majority upholds the police/ big brother state, then maybe the majority will drink Coke. Maybe Coke can then finally out Pepsi for being a terrorist. What a sweet day that will be for Coke.

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China is Broke

Posted on 7 July 2013 by Larry Russwurm

There is no need to reevaluate world economic might and clout. China still manufactures the lion’s share of the more inexpensive goods. And growth rates are still good for that country. By my title for the article I mean that small “c” china is broke. As often happens with a good so fragile. For centuries the west has been able to abuse the capital “C” China because of this almost identical name.

It was probably an accident that china became known as such. Undoubtedly the nation of China was the only place that the west could get such fine eating ware. So the eating ware became known as just china.

But centuries ago, a journey of thousands of miles added much cost to any good. So Europe worked at it and could eventually manufacture china without the need for extreme shipping. The name stuck, I think for propaganda reasons.

English speakers could say “China is weak,” “China is fragile,” and “China is easy to smash”. Eventually China almost lived up to this billing as the west ascended to higher heights than that isolated Asian power.

But china was also praised as a commodity. There was such a thing as fine china, which most households tried to have as well as the ordinary china.

The nation of China fought against class differences in the communist revolution. The elevation of fine China over the rest of China was halted at long last in the 20th century.

Economic revolution in the late 20th century all the way to our time has led to China manufacturing many inexpensive goods – including china. So once again, china is labeled more honestly and has less of a propaganda tone.

Indeed the ball is now in powerhouse China’s court. Perhaps they can make china impervious to breakage. Perhaps this will take a different strategy like using smooth metal. If many advances happen, perhaps diamond or other very strong materials could be used for eating ware.

Then it remains to be seen if and when the Chinese label some innocuous product “North America”, “Europe” or “Oceania”. Perhaps they’ll tack one of these names onto old style china. Perhaps it will be something else weak and disposable. After centuries of lagging, China is back on almost equal footing, including in the propaganda wars.

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Advertising With Purpose

Posted on 29 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

At first glance everything about bus bench advertising seems wonderful. The advertiser gets their message out there, the bus passenger gets a place to sit, and the advertising can be incredibly local.

Sometimes I am one of those bus passengers. Perhaps I shouldn’t rock the boat.

It’s just that those benches are covered in snow in the winter. The people that clear away the snow from the bus stops don’t clear the snow from the benches. Even if there is a huge thaw where all the snow melts, the temperature is too cold to sit down on these benches. When the temperature gets to below zero, the heat gets sucked directly from your booty to the bench. Which makes you numb and gets you to stand up while waiting for the bus.

In the other three seasons, temperatures are warm enough that you might wish to sit on these benches. It’s just that in my city with our particular benches, they don’t drain from the rain particularly well. Water stays on them until it has managed to evaporate. A simple design with holes, like my patio chairs, and they could drain more and thus speed up the evaporation of any remaining water.

Again, in my particular city with our particular benches there is a design flaw when in the sun. The benches somehow superheat when out in the sun for as little as ten minutes. If there is a sufficient breeze and a low temperature and I am particularly lazy, I will sit on these benches. After only a couple minutes my booty heats up to the point that I end up with sweat on my forehead.

Let me dissuade you from the idea that all this is an accident. After all they’ve had bus bench ads for a very long time now and they should have had all the bugs worked out of it by now.

There’s a fundamental concept flaw with bus bench ads. You see if anyone sits on the bench, passersby will not be able to read the ad. So the providers of the benches are doing everything in their power to get people to not sit on the benches.

There is one particularly bad bus bench that I know of in the city. It has a nest of wasps in it, preventing any rational being from using it to sit on. I could tell the providers of the bench about it. But I now know what their response will be. They will not fix this problem and it will add to the visibility of this bench sign.

I am, however, hoping that the representative of the company that changes the ad will get stung.

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Title Mining

Posted on 22 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The album Night Visions by the new band Imagine Dragons has a number of good songs on it. Indeed, one of my minor complaints about it was that the title Radioactive and On Top of the World aren’t very original. I have the song Radioactive by the Firm in my collection and what I thought was On Top of the World was a very famous song when I was a kid. While doing the research for this post, I looked up that song and found it was really called Top of the World by the Carpenters. But there was another song called On Top of the World that rated top billing on DuckDuckGo.

I developed a suspicion that Imagine Dragons were title mining in an effort to strengthen their lyrical skills. Of course a band would want the title Radioactive. Because a band wants to be active on the radio something I’m sure was not lost on the Firm. And On Top of the World just sounds so wonderfully positive. Why not use it as a title again? Song titles can’t be protected as anyone who grew up with a zillion Hold On songs, such as myself, ought to know.

So I got my Night Visions album (I have the normal version with only eleven songs so this whole post might just be sour grapes because I didn’t know there was another version with more songs) and searched all the song titles on DuckDuckGo. I typed in “lyrics” first then the title of each song without capitals. None of the first ten song titles was original. At least one other act had lyrics for each song searched. For shame Imagine Dragons.

Finally when I reached the eleventh song which is entitled Nothing Left to Say/Rocks I decided not to extend the benefit of the doubt and looked them up as two different songs. After all, on the album they are clearly two songs with silence in between and everything. Nothing Left to Say and Rocks are also unoriginal titles.

Well wait one moment. Maybe its just a matter of almost every good title has already been used, there being so many obscure acts and all. So I subjected the album I’ve been listening to lately to the same searches. Also, conveniently it has 12 songs on it, too. It is the greatest hits package by Kate Bush entitled The Whole Story.

I expected seemingly very original titles like Cloudbusting and Hounds of Love to pass the test. Indeed they did. In fact there were only two titles, Breathing and Wow which failed to be original titles (to be fair, I only checked the whole first page of results – all the Imagine Dragons titles were unoriginal in the first few results). I had expected The Dreaming to be unoriginal but the closest that was found was Dreaming by Blondie.

So I say to Imagine Dragons, “You’re big now so you no longer have to title mine.” And if that’s not what they’re doing they can now afford to be more unique and experimental and their song titles don’t have to sound “normal”.

But if they choose to rebel against my advice, the world could really use another song called Hold On.

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Torso Sized Punching Bag

Posted on 21 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

While waiting for the bus this morning, I could see into the park and saw a young man beating the stuffing out of a torso sized punching bag. He was using both punches and kicks but that wasn’t what impressed me.

After awhile it dawned on me that punching bags aren’t native to public parks. It was then that I noticed the long rope that was looped over a big thick branch and that was tied in an erratic manner around that branch and the trunk in what must have been a stable way. The other thing in that part of the park was a bicycle. There was nothing else and no one else near that area. My bus soon came and a couple hours later, when I got back all three things were gone.

I am now under the belief that the young man had bicycled over to the park with rope and that torso sized punching bag. Now that I would have liked to see. That would have been much more impressive than any punching or kicking maneuvers.

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Religiosity and Flags

Posted on 15 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Let’s preface everything by saying that religious symbols make poor symbols for a country. Even in the most devout religious areas, I doubt that adherence to a particular religion exceeds 90 % of the adult populace. Certain areas claimed and will claim more but usually this is backed up by serious threats to the less devout. Still large swaths of the world use religious symbols to represent all its people. We at Many Rants choose to rate those countries.

First of all the crescent and star on some Muslim nation flags does not represent Islam. It’s actually a holdover from the Ottoman Empire and dates back to long before Mohammed. We will ignore this symbol.

The Christian world dares to symbolize many of its residents with flags with a cross. Most obvious are the Scandinavian countries with their sideways cross. Since it is traditional to have flags wider than they are tall and since the most common Christian cross is taller than wide, the sideways cross seems like a satisfactory solution.

Still it’s a distortion. More satisfying is the Israeli star of David. No distortion of the symbol is involved and it makes a quite effective flag. This point goes to Israel.

But some countries might claim more religiosity than Israel. The obvious example is Britain with its famed “Union Jack” flag. This flag consists of a central cross and an ‘X’ in the background. Now X’s are also crosses so really this symbol is a double cross (don’t ask me why any country would trust Britain with such a symbol). It was centuries ago when Britain first outdid other countries in its religiosity symbolism.

But Britain had many colonies. Many of these colonies took to having the Union Jack be the top left hand corner of the flag. So a whole host of nations had the double cross (and because of this, I deem them also as untrustworthy).

In the Southern hemisphere, especially in Australia and New Zealand (Down Under and Down Underer), the Southern Cross constellation became a symbol for them. They put this on their respective flags. So Australia and New Zealand have the Union Jack as well as the Southern Cross. They both have a triple cross flag.

Now it seems like it’s just a game. Israel could put Stars of David on its flag like wallpaper. In fact like the United States did with its simpler, non religious stars. Israelis could show themselves as being 20 times more religious than even Australians.

Of course, Christians have long had an answer to this challenge. Which would be the first Christian nation to symbolize itself in plaid? We don’t know but we bet one nation would. From there it’s just an issue of finer and finer resolution of the crossed line patterns.

Apparently Christians would win the religiosity wars because their symbol is so simple. But wait. Some new religion might evolve that uses the pixel as it’s symbol. The country of this religion will then have the most religious flag in all existence.

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Real Vampires Have Unkempt Hair

Posted on 7 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

It’s almost taken for granted that vampires cast no reflection. Then why is it that they are represented as tidy, good looking characters in movies and books? Real vampires would have unkempt hair. Not tousled in a cute way like a boy band. They would not have playful locks like a beauty contestant that change the angles of her face depending how she holds her head. No, vampires would have unsightly hair, unsightly being used literally. Indeed, in some corners of the world it is thought that vampires cast no shadow as well, meaning their hair could flatten to their head or stick out in unseemly ways, all without them noticing.

Female vampires, trying to attract with that black lipstick, would instead scare you away. Sure she would have some idea where her lips were, but I suspect she would look like a little kid that had just eaten chocolate sauce out of a bowl using no spoon. Other makeup would also be problematic. I suspect vampires that wear mascara would make their eyes red and puffy from touching the mascara brush far too many times to their eyeball. And you try to get the smoky eye effect without being able to see what you are doing.

Let’s say our vampire did make it to a date with a potential victim. Then they got broccoli in their teeth. We all know how difficult this conversation is. “You have broccoli in your teeth.” They pick at their teeth at random. “No your left side.” They pick at their left side at random. “No, the bottom…” At this point usually the picker looks at their reflection in a spoon and all is right again for that date. But the reflectionless vampire will go on and on, needing progressively more accurate descriptions. “Your bicuspid (I can’t believe I remember that!).””No, your front bicuspid.” “The tip of your bicuspid.” “The front centre of your bicuspid.” “Finally!”

Imagine that same conversation with a booger. The vampire’s nose will be fully picked by the time the offending bit of snot has been found. Now try eating your meal. I didn’t think so.

Again, any food or dirt on the vampire’s face will not be easy to remove. Perhaps a still amorous date might wipe off the offensive bit with their own towelette. Then they will notice that red spot on the vampire’s collar.

“No, no, it’s not another lover’s lipstick. It’s just another victim’s bl-”. Date over.

Vampires are hardly the uber attractive people they’ve been portrayed as in fiction. So let’s stop making them sex symbols. They are simply grotesque.

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Legalization

Posted on 1 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The legalization of marijuana seemed to pick up some steam last year as Washington state and Colorado both voted to legalize the substance. But there are federal laws which seem to trump those votes. So now the legalization of marijuana movement is trying to negotiate with the federal powers that be to try to get some action.

I believe president Obama is trying to manage everything as fairly as possible. For instance he never brings up the idea that the pro marijuana movement is made up of hippie anarchists. But all he gets out of the meetings is something like this:

“Blah blah blah, blabbity blah blah legalization. Blah blah legalization blabbity blah. Legalization blah blah blah, blah blah blah.” Then he drifts off and daydreams about all the things he’d like to legalize.

So the pro marijuana movement has pushed Obama to see that the legalization of wiretapping anyone and everyone is the way to go.

Drone attacks, another presidential wet dream, has been legalized. Any enemy of the American state can be taken down by a drone. And all quite legally, now (at least according to the American government).

So you have made a big impression, pro marijuana supporters. But I caution you in Colorado and Washington state. You are most certainly being wiretapped.

And if you go against the federal government, whether obstinately or sweetly, I would be worried about odd noises. It just might be a presidential drone, released to do its dirty work. All for the sole purpose of being the strong right hand of that particular law which upholds the primacy of federal law.

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Mountaineers in Space

Posted on 25 May 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The current mountain climber’s lament is that it sure is hard to make a name for yourself these days. That’s been true since Sir Edmund Hillary first climbed Everest in 1953. Note: I remembered Hillary’s name but the more recent accomplishments I’ve had to look up.

You’ve probably heard of the Seven Summits challenge where mountain climbers climb the highest mountain on each continent. Bass first suggested it and in 1985, achieved it.

It was pointed out by Messner that the highest peak in the Australian continent is actually Puncak Jaya in the island nation of Indonesia and not Mount Kosciuszko in Australia. Morrow first completed this new list in 1986.

Today over 200 people have achieved either list of the seven peaks. Some have achieved both. I dare anyone to memorize all their names (the list of presidents of the US is easier). I certainly am not going to bother.

And why didn’t Messner complete his own list first? Simply because he was too busy climbing the 14 biggest peaks, all of which are in Asia.

If these three lists of summits aren’t enough, the Seven Second Summits was proposed. That is where one scales the second highest summit on each continent. K2, the Asian second highest mountain is supposed to be a harder climb than Everest. That feat, combined with the other 6, was first achieved by Kammerlander in 2012.

There seems to be nowhere a young mountaineer can make a name for himself. Except…

A few of the best of the world’s space programs are thinking of going to the moon. And why not? There is known to be water in at least some parts of the moon.

Perhaps some enterprising mountaineer can persuade whatever country to land near the moon’s biggest peak – Mons Huygens. Said mountaineer would then climb it and have a first for themselves as well as for the country that landed there.

But wait, why stop there? Maybe we should go to the biggest peak in the solar system – Olympus Mons on Mars.

If you you have your ear to the ground you’ve probably heard of the private nonprofit, Mars One, which intends to land people on Mars, without a way to return, by 2023. So far they’ve been relatively benign – only charging money for people applying to be their astronauts.

But you know they are going to try to make their money off the reality series they intend to become. For lack of a better term, I call this future show “Deathwatch, 2023”.

Sure they might be able to successfully launch the crew to Mars and even have them land safely. But I strongly doubt they will be able to launch enough equipment to keep all the crew alive indefinitely which is what they must do to be good citizens. And the crew’s descendants. Basically this is a forever duty.

Still, some mountaineer could be drawn to a different type of immortality. They could go to Mars and then simply knowing the mission is doomed, can spend their time on the important things like scaling Olympus Mons.

And does someone, anyone know why the second highest mountain on Earth is called K2 when we’ve already properly named many, many mountains on other planets and moons? [June 1,2013 add on] My own suggestions for naming K2 include: Mt. Almost, Mt. Not Quite, and my personal favourite – Mt. Everer.

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