Advertising With Purpose

Posted on 29 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

At first glance everything about bus bench advertising seems wonderful. The advertiser gets their message out there, the bus passenger gets a place to sit, and the advertising can be incredibly local.

Sometimes I am one of those bus passengers. Perhaps I shouldn’t rock the boat.

It’s just that those benches are covered in snow in the winter. The people that clear away the snow from the bus stops don’t clear the snow from the benches. Even if there is a huge thaw where all the snow melts, the temperature is too cold to sit down on these benches. When the temperature gets to below zero, the heat gets sucked directly from your booty to the bench. Which makes you numb and gets you to stand up while waiting for the bus.

In the other three seasons, temperatures are warm enough that you might wish to sit on these benches. It’s just that in my city with our particular benches, they don’t drain from the rain particularly well. Water stays on them until it has managed to evaporate. A simple design with holes, like my patio chairs, and they could drain more and thus speed up the evaporation of any remaining water.

Again, in my particular city with our particular benches there is a design flaw when in the sun. The benches somehow superheat when out in the sun for as little as ten minutes. If there is a sufficient breeze and a low temperature and I am particularly lazy, I will sit on these benches. After only a couple minutes my booty heats up to the point that I end up with sweat on my forehead.

Let me dissuade you from the idea that all this is an accident. After all they’ve had bus bench ads for a very long time now and they should have had all the bugs worked out of it by now.

There’s a fundamental concept flaw with bus bench ads. You see if anyone sits on the bench, passersby will not be able to read the ad. So the providers of the benches are doing everything in their power to get people to not sit on the benches.

There is one particularly bad bus bench that I know of in the city. It has a nest of wasps in it, preventing any rational being from using it to sit on. I could tell the providers of the bench about it. But I now know what their response will be. They will not fix this problem and it will add to the visibility of this bench sign.

I am, however, hoping that the representative of the company that changes the ad will get stung.

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Title Mining

Posted on 22 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The album Night Visions by the new band Imagine Dragons has a number of good songs on it. Indeed, one of my minor complaints about it was that the title Radioactive and On Top of the World aren’t very original. I have the song Radioactive by the Firm in my collection and what I thought was On Top of the World was a very famous song when I was a kid. While doing the research for this post, I looked up that song and found it was really called Top of the World by the Carpenters. But there was another song called On Top of the World that rated top billing on DuckDuckGo.

I developed a suspicion that Imagine Dragons were title mining in an effort to strengthen their lyrical skills. Of course a band would want the title Radioactive. Because a band wants to be active on the radio something I’m sure was not lost on the Firm. And On Top of the World just sounds so wonderfully positive. Why not use it as a title again? Song titles can’t be protected as anyone who grew up with a zillion Hold On songs, such as myself, ought to know.

So I got my Night Visions album (I have the normal version with only eleven songs so this whole post might just be sour grapes because I didn’t know there was another version with more songs) and searched all the song titles on DuckDuckGo. I typed in “lyrics” first then the title of each song without capitals. None of the first ten song titles was original. At least one other act had lyrics for each song searched. For shame Imagine Dragons.

Finally when I reached the eleventh song which is entitled Nothing Left to Say/Rocks I decided not to extend the benefit of the doubt and looked them up as two different songs. After all, on the album they are clearly two songs with silence in between and everything. Nothing Left to Say and Rocks are also unoriginal titles.

Well wait one moment. Maybe its just a matter of almost every good title has already been used, there being so many obscure acts and all. So I subjected the album I’ve been listening to lately to the same searches. Also, conveniently it has 12 songs on it, too. It is the greatest hits package by Kate Bush entitled The Whole Story.

I expected seemingly very original titles like Cloudbusting and Hounds of Love to pass the test. Indeed they did. In fact there were only two titles, Breathing and Wow which failed to be original titles (to be fair, I only checked the whole first page of results – all the Imagine Dragons titles were unoriginal in the first few results). I had expected The Dreaming to be unoriginal but the closest that was found was Dreaming by Blondie.

So I say to Imagine Dragons, “You’re big now so you no longer have to title mine.” And if that’s not what they’re doing they can now afford to be more unique and experimental and their song titles don’t have to sound “normal”.

But if they choose to rebel against my advice, the world could really use another song called Hold On.

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Torso Sized Punching Bag

Posted on 21 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

While waiting for the bus this morning, I could see into the park and saw a young man beating the stuffing out of a torso sized punching bag. He was using both punches and kicks but that wasn’t what impressed me.

After awhile it dawned on me that punching bags aren’t native to public parks. It was then that I noticed the long rope that was looped over a big thick branch and that was tied in an erratic manner around that branch and the trunk in what must have been a stable way. The other thing in that part of the park was a bicycle. There was nothing else and no one else near that area. My bus soon came and a couple hours later, when I got back all three things were gone.

I am now under the belief that the young man had bicycled over to the park with rope and that torso sized punching bag. Now that I would have liked to see. That would have been much more impressive than any punching or kicking maneuvers.

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Religiosity and Flags

Posted on 15 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Let’s preface everything by saying that religious symbols make poor symbols for a country. Even in the most devout religious areas, I doubt that adherence to a particular religion exceeds 90 % of the adult populace. Certain areas claimed and will claim more but usually this is backed up by serious threats to the less devout. Still large swaths of the world use religious symbols to represent all its people. We at Many Rants choose to rate those countries.

First of all the crescent and star on some Muslim nation flags does not represent Islam. It’s actually a holdover from the Ottoman Empire and dates back to long before Mohammed. We will ignore this symbol.

The Christian world dares to symbolize many of its residents with flags with a cross. Most obvious are the Scandinavian countries with their sideways cross. Since it is traditional to have flags wider than they are tall and since the most common Christian cross is taller than wide, the sideways cross seems like a satisfactory solution.

Still it’s a distortion. More satisfying is the Israeli star of David. No distortion of the symbol is involved and it makes a quite effective flag. This point goes to Israel.

But some countries might claim more religiosity than Israel. The obvious example is Britain with its famed “Union Jack” flag. This flag consists of a central cross and an ‘X’ in the background. Now X’s are also crosses so really this symbol is a double cross (don’t ask me why any country would trust Britain with such a symbol). It was centuries ago when Britain first outdid other countries in its religiosity symbolism.

But Britain had many colonies. Many of these colonies took to having the Union Jack be the top left hand corner of the flag. So a whole host of nations had the double cross (and because of this, I deem them also as untrustworthy).

In the Southern hemisphere, especially in Australia and New Zealand (Down Under and Down Underer), the Southern Cross constellation became a symbol for them. They put this on their respective flags. So Australia and New Zealand have the Union Jack as well as the Southern Cross. They both have a triple cross flag.

Now it seems like it’s just a game. Israel could put Stars of David on its flag like wallpaper. In fact like the United States did with its simpler, non religious stars. Israelis could show themselves as being 20 times more religious than even Australians.

Of course, Christians have long had an answer to this challenge. Which would be the first Christian nation to symbolize itself in plaid? We don’t know but we bet one nation would. From there it’s just an issue of finer and finer resolution of the crossed line patterns.

Apparently Christians would win the religiosity wars because their symbol is so simple. But wait. Some new religion might evolve that uses the pixel as it’s symbol. The country of this religion will then have the most religious flag in all existence.

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Real Vampires Have Unkempt Hair

Posted on 7 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

It’s almost taken for granted that vampires cast no reflection. Then why is it that they are represented as tidy, good looking characters in movies and books? Real vampires would have unkempt hair. Not tousled in a cute way like a boy band. They would not have playful locks like a beauty contestant that change the angles of her face depending how she holds her head. No, vampires would have unsightly hair, unsightly being used literally. Indeed, in some corners of the world it is thought that vampires cast no shadow as well, meaning their hair could flatten to their head or stick out in unseemly ways, all without them noticing.

Female vampires, trying to attract with that black lipstick, would instead scare you away. Sure she would have some idea where her lips were, but I suspect she would look like a little kid that had just eaten chocolate sauce out of a bowl using no spoon. Other makeup would also be problematic. I suspect vampires that wear mascara would make their eyes red and puffy from touching the mascara brush far too many times to their eyeball. And you try to get the smoky eye effect without being able to see what you are doing.

Let’s say our vampire did make it to a date with a potential victim. Then they got broccoli in their teeth. We all know how difficult this conversation is. “You have broccoli in your teeth.” They pick at their teeth at random. “No your left side.” They pick at their left side at random. “No, the bottom…” At this point usually the picker looks at their reflection in a spoon and all is right again for that date. But the reflectionless vampire will go on and on, needing progressively more accurate descriptions. “Your bicuspid (I can’t believe I remember that!).””No, your front bicuspid.” “The tip of your bicuspid.” “The front centre of your bicuspid.” “Finally!”

Imagine that same conversation with a booger. The vampire’s nose will be fully picked by the time the offending bit of snot has been found. Now try eating your meal. I didn’t think so.

Again, any food or dirt on the vampire’s face will not be easy to remove. Perhaps a still amorous date might wipe off the offensive bit with their own towelette. Then they will notice that red spot on the vampire’s collar.

“No, no, it’s not another lover’s lipstick. It’s just another victim’s bl-”. Date over.

Vampires are hardly the uber attractive people they’ve been portrayed as in fiction. So let’s stop making them sex symbols. They are simply grotesque.

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Legalization

Posted on 1 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The legalization of marijuana seemed to pick up some steam last year as Washington state and Colorado both voted to legalize the substance. But there are federal laws which seem to trump those votes. So now the legalization of marijuana movement is trying to negotiate with the federal powers that be to try to get some action.

I believe president Obama is trying to manage everything as fairly as possible. For instance he never brings up the idea that the pro marijuana movement is made up of hippie anarchists. But all he gets out of the meetings is something like this:

“Blah blah blah, blabbity blah blah legalization. Blah blah legalization blabbity blah. Legalization blah blah blah, blah blah blah.” Then he drifts off and daydreams about all the things he’d like to legalize.

So the pro marijuana movement has pushed Obama to see that the legalization of wiretapping anyone and everyone is the way to go.

Drone attacks, another presidential wet dream, has been legalized. Any enemy of the American state can be taken down by a drone. And all quite legally, now (at least according to the American government).

So you have made a big impression, pro marijuana supporters. But I caution you in Colorado and Washington state. You are most certainly being wiretapped.

And if you go against the federal government, whether obstinately or sweetly, I would be worried about odd noises. It just might be a presidential drone, released to do its dirty work. All for the sole purpose of being the strong right hand of that particular law which upholds the primacy of federal law.

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Mountaineers in Space

Posted on 25 May 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The current mountain climber’s lament is that it sure is hard to make a name for yourself these days. That’s been true since Sir Edmund Hillary first climbed Everest in 1953. Note: I remembered Hillary’s name but the more recent accomplishments I’ve had to look up.

You’ve probably heard of the Seven Summits challenge where mountain climbers climb the highest mountain on each continent. Bass first suggested it and in 1985, achieved it.

It was pointed out by Messner that the highest peak in the Australian continent is actually Puncak Jaya in the island nation of Indonesia and not Mount Kosciuszko in Australia. Morrow first completed this new list in 1986.

Today over 200 people have achieved either list of the seven peaks. Some have achieved both. I dare anyone to memorize all their names (the list of presidents of the US is easier). I certainly am not going to bother.

And why didn’t Messner complete his own list first? Simply because he was too busy climbing the 14 biggest peaks, all of which are in Asia.

If these three lists of summits aren’t enough, the Seven Second Summits was proposed. That is where one scales the second highest summit on each continent. K2, the Asian second highest mountain is supposed to be a harder climb than Everest. That feat, combined with the other 6, was first achieved by Kammerlander in 2012.

There seems to be nowhere a young mountaineer can make a name for himself. Except…

A few of the best of the world’s space programs are thinking of going to the moon. And why not? There is known to be water in at least some parts of the moon.

Perhaps some enterprising mountaineer can persuade whatever country to land near the moon’s biggest peak – Mons Huygens. Said mountaineer would then climb it and have a first for themselves as well as for the country that landed there.

But wait, why stop there? Maybe we should go to the biggest peak in the solar system – Olympus Mons on Mars.

If you you have your ear to the ground you’ve probably heard of the private nonprofit, Mars One, which intends to land people on Mars, without a way to return, by 2023. So far they’ve been relatively benign – only charging money for people applying to be their astronauts.

But you know they are going to try to make their money off the reality series they intend to become. For lack of a better term, I call this future show “Deathwatch, 2023”.

Sure they might be able to successfully launch the crew to Mars and even have them land safely. But I strongly doubt they will be able to launch enough equipment to keep all the crew alive indefinitely which is what they must do to be good citizens. And the crew’s descendants. Basically this is a forever duty.

Still, some mountaineer could be drawn to a different type of immortality. They could go to Mars and then simply knowing the mission is doomed, can spend their time on the important things like scaling Olympus Mons.

And does someone, anyone know why the second highest mountain on Earth is called K2 when we’ve already properly named many, many mountains on other planets and moons? [June 1,2013 add on] My own suggestions for naming K2 include: Mt. Almost, Mt. Not Quite, and my personal favourite – Mt. Everer.

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Are Plants Drunk Off the Excess Carbon Dioxide?

Posted on 18 May 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Very often, too much of even a good thing can result in wonkiness. For plants, the excess carbon dioxide in the atmosphere because of all mankind’s activities, is probably a good thing for them. You see, plants take in carbon dioxide and give off oxygen – the opposite of the animal world which takes in oxygen and gives off carbon dioxide. An excess of carbon dioxide probably makes life a little easier for a plant’s survival. This may be heady resulting in at least some plants getting drunk.

So what if plants get a little drunk? That probably doesn’t effect humans in any large way. True. But we can at least look at the plant world and look at those species which best exemplify this state of being.

Dandelions are very visible right now in the northern hemisphere. Wherever grass grows, dandelions seem to grow a bit better. But right now, some are turning into fuzz balls. It’s only a matter of days till these dandelions begin puking up their seeds. Puke that floats lazily on the wind and kids try to catch for a chance at a wish.

The tumbleweeds are getting so tipsy they just take the path of least resistance and go wherever the wind takes them.

The thornbush has imbibed so heavily on the carbon dioxide that it is spoiling for a fight. A fight it usually wins.

Vines just limply hang there. I hope someone took their car keys because they are as up for things as a passed out human.

There are many plants that are creepers. Maybe they were more impressive before the record levels of carbon dioxide came into being. But now they are reduced to crawling and otherwise inching their way around.

And then there are the water loving weeping willows. The wind through their branches sound that familiar drunk refrain – “I love you, man.” It is only after this that they weep.

So while humanity tries to retool to the global warming brought about by the excess carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, at least some of the plant world has lived it up so much they are clearly drunk most of the time. I say it’s time for prohibition for plants. Like food addicts they need to cut their consumption back to more normal levels.

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The Articler

Posted on 11 May 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The astute among you will notice that the title has a made up word. The name might make sense if you follow the rest of this post.

Over 4 decades ago, mankind first set foot on the moon. It was on July 20, 1969 and expressly for his first step, Neil Armstrong had a famous quote, “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Or at least that was how the public heard it on their television sets, a quarter of a million miles away. So that is how it was mostly quoted as.

But none other than Neil Armstrong himself insisted that what he really said was, “one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” He claims he said the “a”. Recordings don’t clearly demonstrate this. Careful examinations of the recordings say there is something that may have been an “a” but it is very unclear. No wonder the public missed it. But did they?

Over a year later and on another continent, the band Yes was making an album (the Yes Album) that was clearly enamoured with the Moon program. “saying we have the moon, so now the stars” is a line in Perpetual Change. But what might have more to do with Neil Armstrong than that line is a title of a guitar solo song, The Clap.

The song is written and played by Steve Howe, but Jon Anderson introduces it. The live introduction is played with it. Anderson says, “Here’s a song called The Clap.” That’s what I hear and clearly the person in charge of the album cover thought, too. That name graces the cover.

But Yes insists that the title should be simply: Clap. And there is some justification for this position. Why name a song for a sexually transmitted disease? Gonorrhea is sometimes referred to as “the clap”. Is Yes telling the truth despite the recording that seems to say otherwise?

Some believers are quick to say that Yes and Neil Armstrong are both right. They believe in an elusive invisible creature called the articler. It ingests the indefinite article “a” and over a year later excretes the definite article “the”. And that, they say, proves that in both cases everyone was right.

But we at Many Rants try to take a more scientific approach to things. The sun sends out more radiation about every 11 years. These peaks can wreak havoc with electronics and create bright Northern and Southern Lights. The very end of 1968 and the start of 1969 was one of these peaks. Neil Armstrong said his words at nearly the peak. The Yes incident was about a year later, in Autumn 1970. That, too, is close enough to the maximum for wonky things to result. I submit these two incidents could be totally caused by activity that originated in the sun.

But the articler believers aren’t so sure. Perhaps, they say, articlers are nourished better in times of great solar activity. So the standoff continues.

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In the Presence of Dentyne

Posted on 4 May 2013 by Larry Russwurm

If you watched television in the last couple of years, chances are you’ve seen the ‘practise safe breath’ Dentyne campaign for that brand of gum. Basically they use condom like situations to provide the comedy for these ads.

I don’t know if it has been true for the whole campaign, but the latest ad shows the guy with the hard won, pristine and unopened pack of Dentyne. It never shows him chewing a piece but it shows the girl now willing to kiss him and they do. So I am left thinking that you don’t have to actually use your Dentyne to get its benefits. You just need to be in the presence of Dentyne.

I think I’ll try this out for my next date. I’ll be free to eat onions, stinky cheese and garlic. Then instead of freshening my breath by actually having a piece of Dentyne, I will place an unopened pack near me and pucker up at the end of the date. What could go wrong? Someone naive might think I’m asking for a fight by proving I have easy access to fresh breath but refusing to go that one step further.

Then I’ll go one step further. I’ll go to a dental appointment without brushing my teeth. “Doc,” I’ll say (dentists love being called doc), “You’re in luck. I got Dentyne just for you.”

When I place the Dentyne beside me and then invite him to do his job, you might think I’m being egregious in not actually chewing the Dentyne first. But thanks to Dentyne advertisements, I know my mouth is fresh as a daisy.

So when you’re in a variety store, pucker up. You’re in the presence of Dentyne so your breath will be fine if you spy someone you wish to kiss. Same for drug stores and checkouts in bigger stores where the gum is stored.

Since the connection to condoms was made, I can follow the logic and suspect that pregnancy is unlikely if you have a sealed condom near your lovemaking site. Spreading STD’s might be unlikely too. Thank you, Dentyne for alerting us to the power of being in the presence of something to get their full effect. I suspect there is a whole pseudo science here waiting to be unleashed on the world.

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