Big Bro: The Secret Plan for UK Dominance

Posted on 9 February 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The very first stage in this plan is the installation of video cameras everywhere. Practically everyone has heard of the ubiquitous cameras all over London. Recently bigwigs in the London video camera complex were worried that games in Europe, where contestants made a game out of smashing the many video cameras, would spread to London. But no fear. London has so many cameras that they can ID anyone masking up to take part in such a game.

cctv

The second stage in this plan was the spread of reality TV all over the world. Now we all knew it came from Europe originally but once this full conspiracy is going it should be obvious to all that the UK was the origin of this ‘fad’ that has lasted many years.

The shortening of song intros for shows has been present for many years, now. With many theme songs lasting ten seconds will we even notice when themes are so short musicians can’t even get a royalty for the music? This makes each show more inexpensive to produce.

Last in this secret plan from the UK will be to turn the populace of the UK into a nation of editors. That really is all that is stopping all that raw UK video from becoming show after show after show. With enough editors the UK will be able to flood the markets of all the English speaking world with cheaper video. Expect them to branch into reality movies next. It is already an accepted form called the feature length documentary.

Yes, Hollywood, you should tremble before this oncoming onslaught. And here you had labelled piracy as the one big threat to your mealtime. Maybe you will find that the biggest threat you ever faced was anonymity due to a more inexpensive methodology.

I for one want to be one of the first to welcome our new cultural overlords. God save the Queen. But can I have coffee instead of tea?

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The Insulting Clock Radio

Posted on 6 February 2013 by Larry Russwurm

It was awhile ago when I first noticed it. My own clock radio, without any provocation at all, called me 4 eyes. The nerve of it. I mean I feed it electricity just how it likes me to and this is the thanks I get. How can it even see that I wear glasses?

I started paying attention more after that first time. And I found out, like clockwork, my radio calls me 4 eyes twice per day. I was getting very angry when I first mentioned it to a friend. I even proved my accusation by showing him the following picture. I was shocked at his reply. Even though he didn’t wear glasses, his own clock radio called him 4 eyes twice a day, too.

4 Eyes

I looked for a loophole. Perhaps this friend was just wearing contact lenses and in the gutter mentality of the school yard, perhaps the term 4 eyes applied to contact lens wearers as well. My friend assured me that he never wore contact lenses and had never worn glasses.

I was stumped. Why would clock radios call everyone 4 eyes? Then it dawned on me. The clock radios might have been introducing themselves. They were calling themselves 4 eyes.

It was then that I realized that many reincarnation believers had said that consciousnesses could only travel from living creature to living creature. Despite accusing the rest of the world of not being open minded enough to accept their beliefs, I realized that some of them hadn’t been accepting machines as houses for a consciousness. Can they afford such a stance when it is obvious we are getting closer and closer to artificial intelligences capable of passing as human?

Indeed, the humble clock radio passing itself off as a 4 eyes or one of the simplest human-machine hybrids makes a twisted kind of sense. Perhaps my clock radio contains the spirit of a now deceased person who needed spectacles in their life.

Perhaps long dead wheelchair users now use automobiles as houses for their spirits. Some people name their cars after all, so in the machine world this is a desirable location for a spirit. This could really put the ‘car’ in reincarnation.

And perhaps one day a power serving Stephen Harper could come back as a nuclear power plant. The disgusting waste from this union would have to be specially housed for decades upon decades since it would destroy any environment it came into contact with.

And as more of Stephen Harper’s environmental policies come into effect (always business before the environment), there will be fewer and fewer animal houses for the reincarnated. If we all wish to come back we must not turn our noses up at the machine world.

As for me, I hope to manage to come back as a full AI and not a clock radio. But unfortunately there are many people that are more at one with their computers and thus better candidates for AI bodies. I’m just hoping that the AIs will be mass produced leaving room for me to come back as one.

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The Green Day Countdown

Posted on 2 February 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Now that the U. S. has entered a new stage of their space program, where their rocket missions are either done privately or in foreign Russia, many think that other remnants of the old space program ought to be updated. That’s why here at Many Rants we think the standard countdown ought to be changed. May we suggest the countdown off Green Day’s new song, Nuclear Family from the album Uno.

Oldsters might be unfamiliar with this particular riff of the countdown so expect some surprised comments when it is done at Mission Control for the next private mission.

“Everything looks good on the launchpad. We’re all expecting a successful launch.”

“10” “Wait is that the countdown already?”

“9” “But it started at T minus 23 seconds.”

“8” “Oh I get it the spaces are just different.”

“7” Someone at Mission control starts a Tre Cool drum beat.

“6” The lonely beat is augmented by a couple more console tappers.

“5” Head banging to the air begins at a couple more consoles.

“4” Not to be outdone others at mission control begin fist pumping.

“3” Even the unsuspecting reporter is into it now.

“5” “But that’s-”
“4” “-crazy.”
“3” “It’s double-”
“2” “-speed.”
“1” The reporter’s head implodes and then, right on cue the rocket starts lifting as the opening strains of Stay the Night, the next track off Uno, begin playing.

Now granted, the reporter’s head is only going to implode the first time this is done. I have to say, that particular recording would really be worth watching.

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The Laziness Maker

Posted on 30 January 2013 by Larry Russwurm

If only I could have thought about this as a kid – I might have avoided work my entire life. You might ask ‘What’s the trick to being acceptably lazy?’ If you’re on board I’ll tell you the secret. It’s growing your fingernails out.

We’ve all seen those pictures in the Guinness Book of World Records or perhaps in some Ripley’s Believe it or Not show. Pictures of those strange easterners with their five foot long fingernails from each finger curling around. It is only common sense that any person so devoted to growing fingernails must not have done a lick of work for the twenty years those things have been growing.

It’s the perfect excuse. You have chores to do, perhaps cleaning the family home while a youth. Mom, you say, I can’t do that because I’m growing my fingernails. I have to. It’s my identity. You’ll be so proud of me when Guinness or Ripley’s calls and makes me world famous.

Of course your little sister will resent you when all the chores fall onto her shoulders. But not to worry. She will eventually figure out that she must marry you off so your new spouse can pick up all the chores that you’ve managed to shirk.

Don’t be surprised if your new spouse refuses to do the chores because you refuse to have sex – you’ll have become a slave to keeping your fingernails long.

Still you’ll manage to go from place to place always staying lazy and keeping your fingernails long. Eventually when you are getting closer to death you’ll even pick a casket that is very spacious in the middle to accommodate your nails.

Then, before death you will have heard of some fantastic youth that is so lazy he doesn’t even walk. That’s right, he’s chosen to grow out his toenails as well as his finger nails. Loved ones let him maintain his identity by enabling his bed lying.

Then you’ll think, and here I’ve wasted my life, walking everywhere like a fool. And I say just be happy you’ve gotten out of cleaning houses.

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Johnny Fish Spawn

Posted on 26 January 2013 by Larry Russwurm

It should be patently obvious to all that fish first came from the sea. From there, some evolved into liking fresh water and thus migrated upstream into rivers and tributaries and freshwater lakes. But what happens when these fish reach a wall? Like for instance the 110 foot behemoth that is the cliff of Niagara Falls.

It is my contention that Lake Ontario and the lower Niagara River naturally have fish. The upper Niagara and the other Great Lakes must have somehow been seeded with fish.

Maybe Johnny Fish Spawn was an early European explorer of North America. Maybe he was a North American aboriginal. Maybe her name and deeds are lost in the mists of time. But surely such a person had to exist.

Perhaps geological forces changed things enough that fish made it to the upper reaches of other river and lake systems. But the Great Lakes are only 10 000 years old, dug out in the last ice age by glaciation. The road block that is the Niagara escarpment might have been in place for the entire time of the Great Lakes. Johnny Fish Spawn might have been necessary.

Did Johnny Fish Spawn transport pairs of certain types of fish? Or did he just transport the fertilized eggs? We might never know.

Judging by the variety of wildlife in the upper lakes, there might have been many, many Johnny Fish Spawns. Perhaps one species at a time was introduced. Some of the Johnny Fish Spawns might have even transferred odd wildlife, like crayfish to the upper lakes.

Regardless, all of the upper Great Lakes owe Johnny Fish Spawn recognition. This post is an effort toward that goal. Johnny Fish Spawn, whoever you were, we are indebted to you.

And then again maybe all the Johnny Fish Spawns were just sloppy caviar lovers. I hear that dry, crisp white wines go best with caviar. Lots of white wine might have made you sloppy, Johnny Fish Spawn.

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Yes For Induction in Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Posted on 23 January 2013 by Larry Russwurm

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The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has already taken flack a few years ago for ignoring the genre of progressive rock, hugely popular in the 1970s and still somewhat successful today. Since that time they have added Genesis and Rush to the inducted. But still there remains a stalwart of that genre that had mega success in both the ’70s and ’80s that is not included. That stalwart is Yes. Many who know me know that they are my personal favourite band of all time and have been so for decades.

Let me gloss over their interesting career to give an idea of how important and influential they were.

Most noticeable is their lead singer (except for the album Drama), Jon Anderson, has the highest male voice in rock. His vocals are the other end of the male spectrum from Barry White. Indeed many acts that followed them throughout the ’70s had high voices or used falsetto. The falsetto thing was carried on by acts like Electric Light Orchestra and Supertramp and brought to its ultimate form with the Bee Gees.

Early in their career, Yes still blended into the woodwork (despite the high voice) for their first two albums. They really buckled down on their third album and were proud enough of their new style to call it The Yes Album. Just a handful of years earlier, some had said that the best Beatles song was their long Hey Jude. Yes tried the long song method out and had 4 songs as long or longer than Hey Jude on that album. Despite this apparent inaccessibility, this album was the best success Yes had to date. Further influenced by the Beatles and related acts was the background in the single Your Move that had the lyric: “All we can say, is give peace a chance”.

The next album, Fragile, was prominent for two reasons. The cover was the first one graced by artist Roger Dean, perhaps the most famous album cover artist of all time. And of course, Fragile had what many consider to be the Yes masterpiece, 8 minute long Roundabout. The record company was pissed off that such a long song was the best on the album. They responded by cutting it down to 4 minutes to be radio friendly.

A few months later, Led Zeppelin faced the same quandary for their 7 minute masterpiece Stairway to Heaven. They saw what happened to Yes and refused to release the song as a single. It soon became commonplace knowledge that the progressive rock bands were album bands and not necessarily just known for a few 3 minute long songs.

The next album was Close to the Edge and Yes pushed some more, coming up with a song so long it was the side of an album. Eventually Pink Floyd had a longer song (Echoes) but Yes produced more album side long songs than anyone else.

So how did Yes write so many super long songs without alienating their audience? There were key changes and time changes in their songs. Each song was so varied it was almost like a classical overture.

Yes is usually a 5 piece band. But every position has seen lineup changes except for bass which has always been done by Chris Squire. And they got a lot of flack for the album and tour that didn’t include Jon Anderson on vocals. Instead of being a downer, mostly the changes have led to a fresh infusion of new perspectives. The total amount of band members exceeds a dozen.

Yes it seems is always willing to try new things. What band has ever had the first bar be ¾ time the 2nd and 3rd bar be 4/4 time and the 4th bar being 5/4 time then repeats the changes? Yeah it kind of averages out to 4/4 time, it’s just that it isn’t. And on this same song, Does it Really Happen off Drama, there is a bass solo over that part. What kind of band does that?

The kind of band that annexes another band. For Drama, Yes was left without a keyboardist and singer. The band the Buggles (of Video Killed the Radio Star fame) consisted of a keyboardist and singer. Yes acted quickly and annexed the newer band.

Yes only got to the top of the singles chart in 1984 with Owner of a Lonely Heart. Indeed, for this malleable time signature band it was a bit of a surprise that they ended up topping the dance charts with this song. More easily understood lyrics marked this period in their history with Trevor Rabin on guitar for 4 albums.

What kind of a band ends up being two different bands? In the late 80s, the 70s Yes got together under the moniker of Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman and Howe. While the other Yes was a going concern. Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman and Howe was a success in sales and concerts. Since both acts wanted Anderson to sing there was a brief merger album where the better songs were by Rabin which led to Yes without 3 of the oldsters. Eventually Rabin left and a trio of albums were put out after him.

If I wanted to take much longer I could mention all the acts Yes is related to. There was a 1991 flowchart put out with the Boxed CD set. Refer to that if you are ever in the mood. It’s a very complex chart, so it would have been a complex undertaking. It only takes into account direct links not things like Uriah Heep shared Roger Dean as a cover artist for a while or that in their early days Yes toured with supergroup Cream.

Yes fans are out there, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I did the majority of this post from memory. They sold more albums than some of the artists you have inducted. If you refuse to honour them and any others just as important and influential, you might end up seeing more than one Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

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We Need More of the Mentally Ill in Our Schools

Posted on 20 January 2013 by Larry Russwurm

I’m expecting that title to inflame some of you. Maybe then you will get the idea what the NRA did to me when they suggested the answer to school shootings is more guns in the schools.

I came up with and wrote an article with this title almost immediately after hearing the NRA plans in December. Only instead of publishing it I held it back and wrote a different article saying the NRA is socialist. Which is true.

I held my article back because I thought it might be too ridiculous, shocking, and unnerving. I mistakenly thought the NRA plan to place an armed guard in every school would automatically be thought to be too ridiculous, shocking, and unnerving. But instead New Jersey and Philadelphia have caved in to the NRA plans. In fact the NRA is so emboldened they have put out ads that are a personal attack on President Obama’s family.

So here I am finally bringing my idea to the public.. That idea is to place someone who is mentally ill (but treated) in every school of the nation to talk down a would be school shooter.

Why the mentally ill? Well quite frankly psychiatrists and adequately trained psychologists are very pricey. Many, many, of the mentally ill have become quite expert at learning about their own diagnosis and other similar ones they may encounter through group programs. This helps in restarting their lives and in many an interest in the psychological and psychiatric has developed.

Indeed some of the mentally ill train to become beacons of light for others with mental illness. It is not uncommon to find the mentally ill handling public crisis lines that are excellent resources to the community.

If we recruit among the mentally ill we should only take those that have this interest in the psychological and psychiatric. As well we should only recruit among those that have good outcomes with their illness. Where they have few or none of those symptoms that might unnerve a parent at the school the consumer/survivor might work for. Just as in the business of hiring an armed guard, careful consideration would be taken in selecting a mentally ill negotiator.

As well, applicants must graduate a negotiating class to increase their skills.

Do you still doubt me about why this should be done among the mentally ill? How many of you have heard about anosognosia? The psychiatric definition is that the anosognosic does not have the insight to realize that they suffer from a mental illness. There are step by step ways to deal with this problem that the insightful, treated, mentally ill person might have even used before. That kind of on the ground experience would be highly useful to our negotiator.

And if you still doubt the usefulness of a negotiator compared to an armed guard, let’s agree that the successful negotiator will have zero dead bodies. Can the successful armed guard say the same?

There was an armed guard at Columbine in that school’s tragic shooting. 15 died and 23 were wounded there. The very recent shooting at a California school ended with only one injured and no dead after a teacher and school employee talked the student down from more damage. The student reportedly had another 20 rounds for his shotgun.

And to further dampen the NRA’s position, just today while part of the NRA was busy threatening at state capitals -er protesting at state capitals, 3 gun shows across the United States saw a total of 5 people injured by firearms. It looks like the best gun control time is now.

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Did the Centre Coast Win the Rap Wars?

Posted on 16 January 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Now I’m hardly an expert on rap music and can probably only name 20 of its artists so no matter what I say in the following, I will not have proved my premise. Still I do listen to the media and think I hear of some of the biggest rap artists. So if you don’t mind a superficial look at things, allow me to proceed.

Practically every one heard of the rivalry between east coast rap and west coast rap in the 90’s. Both sides claimed they had the best rappers. Both sides said they were more gangster than the other. Loyalties were formed and some only bought recordings from one coast.

Was it any surprise that the biggest rap recording artist of the noughties was Eminem who was not from the east coast nor the west coast? Instead he hailed from Detroit or the Great Lakes area. An area that could be named the centre coast of North America.

Other recent big names in rap music are Kanye West who hails from Chicago and Drake who hails from Toronto. These two cities are on the Great Lakes of Michigan and Ontario respectively. Has the centre coast become the centre of the rap world?

While looking up Kanye, I heard mention that alternative hip hop has become a big thing. That’s when the gangsta leanings of a lot of rap music is largely ignored, in lieu of other subjects. This could be the real reason behind the success of centre coast rap.

Still, right at this moment, in a superficial view of rap music, it seems that the rivalry between east and west was so vicious that both sides lost to the middle.

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Stealth Harper

Posted on 12 January 2013 by Larry Russwurm

stealthharper

It is my belief that Canadian prime minister, Stephen Harper, thinks that flying invisible to the radar of Canadian journalists is the best strategy he could use.

Firstly he believes in shortening sessions of parliament (note the Vancouver Olympics) and proroguing parliament (twice!). Someone should talk to this boy about his inherent laziness but I think he has a twofold reason for doing this. Notice his omnibus bill passing and the fact that less press coverage is about the actual bills. These bills are also invisible to the radar of the press.

And with his fortune (by Liberal and NDP standards) in advertising budgets he has completely used it to put Stephane Dion and Michael Ignatieff front and centre in their respective elections (and even before). Of course Harper painted both men in the way he wanted and little of it was challenged in the minds of the average Canadian voter.

So if Canadians are content with a stealth leader, perhaps Harper’s reign will extend past the next election.

Neither Stephane Dion or Michael Ignatieff were harmed in the making of the lead cartoon. In keeping with reduce, reuse, recycle, I traced camouflage Harper from my December cartoon.

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I Thought It Was a Starvation Strike

Posted on 9 January 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Some of you may have heard of the Canadian aboriginals protest Idle No More. It is a protest put in place to get some movement on aboriginal rights and to help enforce some signed treaties and land claims.

The most publicized arm of protest has been Attawapiskat Chief Theresa Spence’s hunger strike. I was slightly disillusioned to hear that she wasn’t starving herself completely, that she was drinking fish broth, medicinal tea and vitamins through her hunger strike.

Now I’ve never been this close to a hunger strike before. I’ve done a brief perusal of other hunger strikes but could only find that the 10 Irish nationals that died in 1981 were allowed salt in their hunger strike. The other sources said that the hunger strikers were allowed liquids – whatever that means. For instance orange juice is some nourishment. I had always assumed that hunger strikes were total starvation strikes – water and nothing else.

And I’ve been told that a healthy person can survive a month of starvation. Now that I’ve heard that some hunger strikers are allowed liquid nourishment, it makes more sense that the length of time that most hunger strikers last is beyond 30 days.

Spence’s strike seems destined to last longer than the 46 to 73 days that those Irish Nationals lasted. But those Nationals used one publicity extender, their strikes were consecutive. This made them loom larger in the public consciousness.

So if Spence lasts longer she should get more publicity. Don’t get me wrong. She will surely die on this liquid diet. Limiting your diet that much is not good for the promotion of life. But if she lasts say, 75 days the pressure on the Prime Minister and Governor General will be great. Already the Prime Minister has agreed to meet with her, but the Governor General wouldn’t be included. So it’s still at an impasse. International publicity already hit weeks ago.

So Idle No More’s protest against white givers [full disclosure: I am white] (and you knew what it meant) continues. Perhaps they’ll find success in law. They’ve certainly succeeded in getting more publicity.

And myself? I’ve never been able to do a fast for a day. Perhaps if I used fish broth and medicinal teas and vitamins I could do it. But if it’s for purely medical reasons I doubt my doctor will permit it.

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