More Impressive Being Save the Princess

Posted on 30 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

The royalty of the UK (plus some of the Commonwealth) have changed the rules of succession this year. No longer will the heir to the throne be most likely a man. William and Kate’s eldest child, girl or boy, will be next in line to the throne after William. Since the rules of the monarchy are changing, I ask why stop there?

Critics of our society say we are too youth obsessed. I say that we aren’t youth obsessed enough.

Fine, age brings wisdom to some individuals. So perhaps we should let Liz rule over her part of the Commonwealth. The wisdom her years have brought her probably make her the best ruler in the family of the monarchy.

But her mother lived to the ripe old age of 101 and Liz looks like she’s going to outlive even that age. Do we really want to see a 105 year old visage on our currency and on some stamps? I say we must pretty up the currency and stamps of the state by using the youngest, in line Royal’s visage from the age of 18 until their child reaches that same age.

We all know economics is mostly hand waving and luck. Let’s make our currency and stamps more wanted by having better visages of royals. Perhaps this blatant marketing of the young monarchy will make Commonwealth countries economic powerhouses. Collectors will also appreciate this change.

And instead of singing God Save the Queen/King, children can learn to sing God Save the Prince/Princess. I know it will be a struggle to sing the two syllable word ‘princess’ but we can relearn.

And while we’re at it, why must we bring God into it? Much of the Commonwealth doesn’t believe. You can see my substitution by my title: More Impressive Being Save the Princess. Perhaps we’ll have to write a new song to accommodate all those extra syllables.

But look at how basic that title is. In much fiction, the hero overcomes great obstacles and is thus a ‘more impressive being’. And if they save the princess this mirrors a huge chunk of fiction. It’s that primal. Think of the marketing.

Maybe we should always keep the monarchy – if only for the marketing. But the royals have to shape up and listen to these ideas. We must refine the royals into the best marketing machine available. Then we can sell them to the world.

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Fashionable Spin

Posted on 28 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Did you hear about the latest tooth fashion from Japan? Fashion consumers are paying to make their teeth crooked. You read correctly all you poor parents going into hock to make your children’s teeth straight. And you teenagers and teenyboppers that are spending years forced to wear braces. Maybe in a few more years brace wearers might follow this trend.

Here is the story. It is actually a sort of double tooth cap for your canines. It’s supposed to give a childlike appearance (I’m not sure what is childlike about it except for adults usually have had their teeth straightened if they had crooked teeth as a child). So it’s not just an any-crooked-teeth-are-now- considered-to-be-good deal.

But I choose to see it that way because I have crooked teeth. The most prominent problem with my teeth is a gap between the two front ones. And if you women think I’m more sexy because of it, well I wouldn’t mind that.

Indeed, maybe there are no problems with my looks. Maybe it all just needs to be spun the proper way.

Blonde streaks in darker hair are common nowadays in our culture. And, indeed Arlene Dickinson, the investor and celebrity from the Canadian TV show Dragon’s Den (the American version is called Shark Tank) has sported a strip of grey in her long hair for as long as I’ve known who she is. She is also quite stylish so this strip does not seem to me to be an accident. She either naturally has the strip and thinks it’s good enough for her public face or deliberately dyes her hair to show this streak. Either way, I can spin my natural greys as being stylish.

Another feature that I had previously thought to be detrimental is my big belly. But again, listening to some fashionable, heavier women, I see they are spinning that as being “full figured”. Now, saying that I’m full figured would bring odd looks as I’m male. But I could say that I’m a large man. Or maybe a bear of a man.

Tell teenagers about putting this spin on one’s appearance. Maybe they will have less angst. Maybe they won’t be so concerned with their appearance. Maybe they won’t become depressed or develop eating disorders. Well we can wish.

And looking at the three features I’ve spun for myself? Wow, I’m a catch.

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The Safety of the American Greenback

Posted on 26 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

In these times of economic uncertainties, many a time the market has gotten cautious and money hid in the “safety of the American greenback” (doesn’t the American dollar also have a green front?). So doesn’t this mean the American market has good fundamentals?

An economist might answer, “Yes.” But do you know what the study of economics is? An art, not a science. If there was much science to it, all country’s economies would be good at all times.

And worse, those economists that say the Yankee buck is a safe haven, are overlooking fundamentals from within their art.

The Americans are cutting revenues (taxes) at a time when they have their biggest debt in history. These are horrible fundamentals. I know Europe is having its own troubles but this is ridiculous. Indeed, I live in Canada which has better fundamentals right now and our dollar lowers when fearful investors are going to the “safety of the American dollar”.

Something else must be going on to make the greenback safe, something currently outside the scope of most economic theories.

I believe that difference is that America is holding the biggest stick in the world right now. Part of that stick is the 2nd largest build up of nukes in the world. Russia has more but that country treads more softly in world matters.

The USA has the most technologically advanced military in the world. They out competed Russia in the Cold War and quite frankly Russia allows that it got behind. They’ve had invisibility for some of its aircraft for decades. No not invisibility in visible light but invisibility to radar.

They have stealth helicopters, i.e. helicopters that stay mostly silent. They’ve been testing craft that go above Mach 10 which is 3 times faster than any aircraft fly now.

The Americans kept up the arms race even after Russia bowed out of the cold war.

Excepting the nuclear nations, the USA can take down the government of any single country in the world. The problems in Iraq or Afghanistan are simply the problems of holding a country and trying to rebuild. Taking down the original governments only took a few months.

So that’s why the American currency is seen as ‘safe’. If countries stopped selling the Americans oil, those countries would soon have a new government.

Walk loudly and carry the biggest stick. That’s why the American greenback is so safe.

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Unhate

Posted on 23 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

In case you were living under a rock last week, you might not have heard of Benneton’s new ad campaign, Unhate. In this campaign there were pictures of perceived political enemies kissing each other. Merkel/Sarkozy (although Germany and France seem to be fast friends since the healing after World War II), Obama/ Chavez and of course the Pope/Egyptian Imam.

There were others, too, but of course the only political entity that threatened a lawsuit was the Vatican. Benneton responded by pulling the ad with the Pope/Imam kiss. I think this response was adequate on Benneton’s part. Indeed, if the Vatican proceeds to sue I think it is showing itself to hate more than Christian texts might like. And thus was more in need of the ad to see itself accurately.

The Vatican sees itself and the whole Catholic Church as a positive thing. Various priest scandals should have taken the blinders off by now, and that church should have realized that unsettling things have been done under its name.

Indeed, I must say that if they proceed in legal action against Benneton despite the ad being pulled, I will make a picture of a nonspecific priest kissing another nonspecific priest. Indeed I might up the priest propaganda all the way up to a priest kissing Hitler on the mouth.

I know I’ve become desensitized to kissing scenes partly due to Saturday Night Live’s Vogelcheck skits. These skits feature a family coming together on Thanksgiving and grossly kissing each other for greetings, shocking the new lover of one Vogelcheck. In short, if the public can laugh at this, I don’t think same sex kissing is as taboo in public as it once was. Change is coming and as usual, religious groups are behind.

More religious hate could be brought into the open with more of this. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a picture of Warren Jeffs kissing Osama bin Laden? What’s wrong with fundamentalist love?

Indeed I think the Unhate campaign didn’t go far enough. What about unhate for sports rivals? Kobe kissing Lebron, Sid the Kid kissing Ovechkin, it could go on and on.

What about celebrities kissing celebrities? Trump kissing Rosie. Unfortunately this would be worse on Rosie since she’s gay.

How about CEO’s kissing CEO’s? Martha Stewart could kiss one of the Olsen twins. I’m sorry that my “off the top of my head” example is once again celebrities. I guess its just that I don’t usually look up to CEO’s. Then again, how about Jim Balsilie (RIM) kissing Steve Jobs? Excuse me if I don’t have a clue who is running Apple right now.

So Benneton could extend their Unhate campaign, like the older United Colours one, much further. I just hope they remain Unevil. After all if they went too far, it would be so easy to photoshop their top executives into kissing rivals or enemies.

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4k

Posted on 21 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Now that I’ve found this ubercool spelling for the kitchen utensil, I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist that 4k (pronounced fork) only refers to the four tined variety of implement. Can we all agree that 5 tines and over should be called a comb and we’ll have to invent words for the 2 and 3 tined implements?

We can just add a k to the words three and two. How about a 3k or a 2k?

Instead of having a 4k in the road:

we will have a 2k (pronounced toque) in the road:

Of course saying “toqued” tongue is awkward. So we’ll have to replace it with “split” tongue.

Indeed 3k (pronounced threek) will be hard to bring to mind sometimes. We could use trident to replace it even though trident implies a more spear-like use than the old fork usage. And maybe we could coin the term “bident”.

Sporks have three tines. Thus “speeks or spidents would have to be the new word. I’m not sure which I favour.

Tuning forks would become tuning toques, or tuning bidents. I do prefer tuning toques.

“Fork in the road” could also become “split in the road”.

Much needs to be changed to make way for 4k. But after seeing that spelling again, isn’t it all worth it?

And if you’ve noticed the sad job that the civil engineers did in painting the fork and toque roads I illustrated – how ineffectual are they at their job? Indicating you can pass in either direction on both hills?! I smell a lawsuit on those highways.

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Harold Albrecht Spin Machine is Back

Posted on 19 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Harold Albrecht, my Canadian MP, made it back to parliament, along with his Conservative government. He continues to waste the resources of Canada Post by assailing me with propaganda. MP’s don’t pay for mail sent to their constituents.

On the end portion of the propaganda is a circle that says “Voice Your Choice”. Out of that circle comes three arrows. The first arrow goes to the right where it says “Who’s on the right track to help keep Canadians safe?”

The second arrow points below this question,but also to the right. There are four boxes there, listing the 4 major parties. Specifically, the 2nd arrow points to The Conservatives box as an answer to that question. Isn’t that extremely leading and obnoxious?

The third arrow points downward to a code you can scan with your smartphone to take you to a survey, more on that later.

Firstly, about the question of keeping Canadians safe. Conservatives claim that their policies will keep Canadians safer. While at the same time trying to abolish the long gun registry, something that police departments across Canada have wanted – to keep Canada safer. So obviously ‘pointing out the answer’ is bad spin by Conservative marketers.

As to the smartphone survey, it is easiest to do if you own a smartphone. But don’t worry, a website is given so computer users can also answer the survey. It’s a bit more difficult to do it this way. And Canada Post will return a hand filled in survey. But they don’t tell you that the Internet respondents are told they must include their name, address, postal code and email. If this is the requirement for everybody, many of the mailed in responses won’t count on the survey.

So the survey will skew toward the opinions of the wealthy. And toward the small population that read this piece of spin and propaganda far enough to get to this backside of the pamphlet.

Obviously any such survey is going to have many problems. I think the Conservatives are interested in ‘spun’ surveys like this.

So much so that they have started making other statistics like the census less hard facts and more spin. Why else would this party make anything as important as a census a matter of voluntary participation?

If the Conservatives and Harold Albrecht have their way, the field of political science will have to have a name change to ‘political art’ since there would be no science left.

But don’t fear, dear reader. Harold also sent a second piece of propaganda to me this week. It invites me to sign up for “Harold’s electronic newsletter”. I’m signing up – just for the bonus opportunity of more blog fodder.

A little bird told me that during the last election campaign, Harold’s hair mysteriously darkened. Has he found the fountain of youth and is he saving it for his elite friends? Maybe his newsletter will tell me.

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Creation Humour

Posted on 16 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

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Amish-Mennonite Smackdown

Posted on 12 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

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Why Can’t the Seat of Emotions be in Another Organ

Posted on 9 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

It’s oh so poetical to say our emotions are in our heart. This leads to sometimes stupid symbolism like “Show me the shape of your heart.”

But probably the most famous metaphor is to say you are heartbroken when somebody you love doesn’t care for your feelings. This is a silly metaphor because we all know that when a real heart is broken you will die.

Now some of you are probably frothing at the bit to tell me heart transplants can lead to multiple loves for the heart symbol. But are you seriously telling me there are fewer loves on this planet than there are people? Experience should tell you otherwise.

I say why not change organs for our metaphors. How about a gall bladder? You can live with your gall bladder removed, so why not make it the seat of emotion?

You can then have many loves and losses and thus get a more realistic love life than the heart metaphor provides.

It’s just that the first time you have your gall bladder “broken”, it will be orders of magnitude more important than the 2nd or 3rd time. Because breaking your gall bladder a 2nd or 3rd time is really not that important when it is dead and can’t feel already.

So how about the kidneys? There are two of them so you can get your kidney broken more than once. Indeed, there might even be hope for the serial monogamists amongst you. With kidney transplants you can have a round 3 or even 4 of love.

There are places in the developing world where you can buy a kidney and the operation to put it to use. And there are places in the developing world to get a mail order bride and that can lead to a love.

And what about this? If your kidney is operated on, perhaps you could get a surgeon to make one end pointy and the other will remain bulbous. With two kidneys like this, you could put the two pointy ends together and the combination would look more like the “heart shape” than a real heart.

Which reminds me that I laughed when the movie “I Heart Huckabees” came out. I was so entranced by that shape, that I though it was more accurate than the love in the “I love NY” campaign. But really both are silly translations of the “heart shape”. How about “I ’emotional seat’ Huckabees”. Or “I ’emotional seat’ NY”.

And I know there are other organs. And indeed people talk about “gut feelings”. So maybe you will make up your own metaphor for the seat of emotions. I’ll stick with my kidneys and the rest of the world will undoubtedly stick with their heart and heart shape.

All this when we know all along the brain and the hormonal system is largely responsible for all emotions.

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Things That Make Sense Can Be Deeply Funny

Posted on 5 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I was going to rail against a quote in the Natalie Imbruglia song Wishing I Was There. But the two lines “I wish you made sense, Like a joke that no one gets” are fine sentences and don’t need to be railed against. I thought about this incorrectly at first; it does not follow that all jokes that make sense, no one gets.

Indeed I care so much because half my humour is “things that make sense”. What I keep doing is following the logic until a piece is humourous. This is a common strategy in political cartoons, and something I picked up on. And indeed, I’m going to pick on my political cartoons that I previously posted to this site to show my humour is half “things that make sense”.

In Blast From the Past II, I have 5 political cartoons. In the first one are three secondary jokes that make sense: “I sense voter dissatisfaction” said by counselor Troy makes sense and “Please Captain, let me meet with the Lesbian splinter group – I can show them the light” said by Ryker makes sense if you’ve seen the planet of lesbians show that he visited and made at least one “lesbian” see the light and the 3rd comment by Jacques O’ Christmas Tree saying that “Is there any doubt retro 70’s is in?” when fashions of the time were retro 70’s and Jean Chretien himself became famous in the 70’s.

In the 2nd cartoon the “Well blow my top” comment by the whale is of course true. “Sure am glad about the moratorium on cod fishing” said by the Harp Seal also makes sense.

In the 3rd cartoon the harp seal saying “’arp” when being whipped also makes sense for why harp seals are called harp seals.

In the 4th cartoon the chicken says “I balk at the sight.” The pun as well as straight forward explanation make sense.

As well, some of the cartoons listed at this site’s menu also make sense. In Jacques 2003 Arnie a couple statements make sense : Arnie saying “But we don’t mind Canadians helping with the wildfires” and Jacques saying: “Wildfires? I’ll go up like a Christmas tree on January 15th”.

In Jacques 2003 Paperless Society, a magnate says “Last time someone said paperless society someone else said computer printer and it was hard to keep up with demand” which makes sense.

Jacques 2003 Paul Martin, is a literal visualization of what Paul Martin was most famous for and thus made sense.

In Jacques 2003 Smith/NDP War the Smith presenter makes sense. He says “It’s a sad day when NDP becomes a surname. Imagine what would happen if all NDP supporters were to change their name in this way. With 17% of the popular vote in Ontario, it would become the most popular surname!”

So I know that at least half of my political humour has been “things that make sense”. I suspect that with many political cartoonists, the same can be said. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if that much of my blog humour is “things that make sense”.

Logic remains a big proportion of my humour. And I foresee it being so for some time. Indeed, I wonder if “observational humour” (which describes Seinfeld for instance), is another big category of “things that make sense” but are also deeply funny.

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