Crappy Quotes

Posted on 28 July 2011 by Larry Russwurm

In this recent Yahoo News/ CBC article, a police officer of the mounted division in Toronto tries to rationalize why police don’t have to pick up after horses, or at least make their mounts wear a diaper.

Sgt. Kristopher McCarthy says of horse $#!+, “Within two to three days [horse] manure will just dry out and blow away”.

Before some of you agree because an authority figure told you, let me tell you that I grew up with a horse and a pony. Of course they used to $#!+ in their enclosure, largely in the same spots so they could eat the grass in other spots. This horse $#!+ would be there for months if not forever.

And in the winter, the horses would have to spend the time in their shed. My dad had to clean it out every once in a while, thus the manure pile we had came from those horses. It didn’t blow away. My dad was an avid gardener and that manure helped him to grow 11+ foot high sunflowers.

And to hammer the point home, the area I was raised in had lots of old order mennonites who still used a horse and buggy to get around. Horse $#!+ on the road lasted much longer than 2 to 3 days. Sgt. Kristopher McCarthy, you are a spreading tall tales. I know it strains the mounted police to have to pooper scooper their horses. But stop making excuses and just do it.

Also attributed to Sgt. McCarthy is the idea that horse droppings do not have any harmful bacteria like dog $#!+ does. Now, am I going to trust his word after the first lie?

Sgt. McCarthy says that “The difference between dogs and horses is that dogs eat meat and horses do not eat meat.”

Does that mean that vegans can defecate anywhere and it is alright? Imagine that unsightly mess everywhere.

Obviously, the fact that a horse is a vegetarian makes little difference. Remember the Walkerton tragedy? Vegetarian cow manure was the ultimate cause of the deaths of seven people and also sickened thousands.

I’m afraid we’ll have to disregard nearly everything that Sgt. Kristopher McCarthy says about horse $#!+. Nice try to keep your horses undiapered, but you have been caught.

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Another Gen X Manifesto

Posted on 23 July 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Gen Xers differ from each other. That is the reason there are many Gen X manifestos. So listen up baby boomers and those who wish to know more about Gen X.

Baby boomers started as a group by events that seemed to come from up on high. The end of World War II is the beginning of their lives

The media liked to follow the lead baby boomers. ‘They’re in the nurseries’, ‘they’re in school’, ‘they’ve started work’, etc.

Because there was no agreed upon beginning of Gen X, the media couldn’t do the same for my generation. In fact the media has almost completely ignored Gen X because of this. So I choose to declare the beginning of Gen X to be 1967, coincidentally, my birth year. But I don’t want the media to hound me, so I’m picking a leader all Gen X might agree to. That leader is Kurt Cobain, also born in 1967.

Why him, you may ask, and shouldn’t Gen Xers choose different leaders? Well firstly he is dead, which is a good state for any leader. So he can unite the “Question authority” crowd and the “Defer to authority” crowd at the same time. Can any live leader do that?

Plus the media already hounded him, some say to death. And his death is one of the few facts about him that most agree with. Gen X with all their varying ideas and conspiracy theories about his life and times might accept him as worth following, because of his death.

Now that we have established a leader maybe the media can pretend to care about Gen X by following him lavishly. There are updates we all want to know.

Was he secretly buried in Viretta Park and if so are the worms going in and out?

Were his ashes scattered in McLane Creek of Olympia or the Wishkah River in Washington or were his ashes stolen in 2008? And can we clone a new Kurt from ashes?

Was he cryogenically frozen so that 3011 can enjoy that grunge sound?

Or were his remains sent into space? If so, what planet should his remains be passing about now?

Rest in peace wherever you are Kurt and Gen X will produce as many conspiracy theories about you as there are Gen Xers. We’re going to make our leader proud. Or ashamed. We can’t really tell because he is gone.

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An Incredibly Vile Insult

Posted on 20 July 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Just this weekend I was insulted in such a vile and terrible way that I had to share it with someone. Michael Adams of Environics was the name caller. He called me, and indeed everyone born before 1970 and after World War II, a baby boomer. This was on a TV Ontario show, Big Ideas, which airs varying lectures.

Now for those of you born closer to World War II, you’re probably used to the tag and don’t mind it. But to me, someone born in 1967, it is rubbing salt into an already infected wound.

For one thing, my age group has been called the opposite name of the baby boom – the baby bust. It is up in the air where exactly the baby bust started. Some say as early as 1960 or as late as 1966. It’s supposed to go on till about 1982 or so. That’s about when the abundant baby boomers had their own kids to end the bust. So almost by definition, I am not a baby boomer.

I guess Michael Adams never saw the television show Family Ties in the eighties. It was a comedy where the parents were supposed to be successful baby boomers with the irony of having Micheal J. Fox as a son. Fox’s character wore a suit, despite being in high school, and had a generally conservative view of things. The point was generation X (or the baby busters) were different than the baby boomers.

With constant coverage of the “lead” baby boomers (those born in 1945 or 1946) the media killed any liking I could possibly have for these people.

It was worse, because when my age group wanted to enter the workforce, there were many fewer jobs available, because the bloated horde that is the baby boomers had filled the job market almost to bursting.

And now, to call me a baby boomer? Vile Michael Adams, vile. Why don’t you use your little stats company to set a firm and agreed upon start to the generations instead of expanding the definition of baby boomer.

You can’t, as you’ve done, change course for everyone, midstream. Just because you wanted a generation to be about 25 years long, because that’s closer to where women start having babies, you can’t. A generation can be as short as 15 years or as long as ?(the technology keeps improving for women who want late babies).

The media started this years ago, so I internalized the name gen X. I know people born even before 1960 who were convinced they weren’t baby boomers -why did all the coverage feature just the lead baby boomers? In fact I’ve joked with some of these older people about boomers. To their core of humour they don’t believe they are boomers. You’re not going to suck in that many people to be your baby boomers, Michael Adams.

And looking you up online, Mr. Adams, I see you were born in 1946. You seem to relish your position as being a “lead” baby boomer. And like any petty leader you are trying to extend your kingdom to my generation. You are not my leader, go away and quit insulting me.

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Why Shih Tzus Aren’t so Yappy

Posted on 16 July 2011 by Larry Russwurm

When I was an adolescent I vowed I would never get a small breed of dog. The non stop yapping from these breeds really threw me for a loop. Some things I do, like reading, demands enough concentration that I don’t think I could do it with many of the ordinary small breeds of dog around.

Big dogs usually don’t bark for little or no reason. And it is because of this that I’ve long preferred big dogs. I think it has to do with big dogs not being scared of every little thing. They think they can generally handle things and are thus not so nervous.

Before 20 years ago, I had never even heard of the breed Shih Tzu. I’ve met a handful of these dogs since and even though I think they are rather ugly, their quiet, calm nature makes me think I could one day own this breed.

So why are Shih Tzus not nearly as yappy as their small breed cousins? I have a few theories.

1.Everyone knows at least one person who calls this breed $#!+ Zus. Thus they had to be tough on the playground before weaning. They have the confidence of a dog that knows how to fight and thus aren’t yappy.

2.Shih Tzus really are big dogs. The big side of them is just in another dimension. That’s why they are calm and not yappy – like a big dog.

3.Breeders of Shih Tzus figured out that quiet dogs were more salable. Thus they took the yappiest pup in each Shih Tzu litter and cut out its vocal cords. This left one totally quiet puppy and the rest of the litter being cowed into being quiet, too.

4.It’s also possible that Shih Tzus are the stupidest of all the small dogs and believe they are actually big dogs. After all, if dogs are really descended from wolves, look at all the brain you had to get rid of to fit inside a Shih Tzu’s skull.

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Repercussions to Corporate Personhood

Posted on 13 July 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Many rights have already been given to corporations that were previously seen as distinctly human rights. I suspect that corporations will press on until they are given the right to vote.

So what, you may say, small corporations would now be seen as the equal of large corporations and this may very well temper some of the extremism of the large corporations.

But large corporations have the best lawyers and will thus game the system. Imagine the threat of a corporation with tens of thousands of employees using a shell game so that it is now officially tens of thousands of corporations. Its votes would go up its hierarchy to the ultimate parent corporation ( or CEO) which would officially release the tens of thousands of votes. Since the CEO has control, a handful of corporate votes might go to the also rans by the CEO’s definition. Tens of thousands of votes would be for the CEO’s pick.

But wait you say, with the vote comes more responsibility. More of a company’s improprieties could be punishable by prison. How  about merging with two other companies coming with a charge of bigamy?

Large corporations would game the system so their most lowly employee would be culpable for important but wrong behaviours of the company. There might even be jockeying to be culpable since these lowest paid employees might be able to collect 3 or 4 times their wages while in jail.

Angered by all this, citizens might complain that corporations don’t do all the duties of a human. So next up would be jury duty.

Large corporations would first state that they are a different class of citizen. Worried about the corporate vote the politicians would allow the corporations to pick and choose “relevant” cases. Of course the juror for the corporation would demand 24/7 contact with the CEO.

A still angry citizenry would demand the greedy, powerful corporations perform tours of duty in any wars the country might happen to be in.

Fine, the corporate persons would say. We have always performed in war, just at a fair price. Much like the actual soldier. And that fair price always seems to be steeper during a war.

And that is what my crystal ball tells me will happen if we allow corporations to have more of the rights and duties of a full human.

Maybe humans will one day wise up and demand some of the rights of a corporation.

For example if only 1% of a corporation might be guilty of collusion and only those perpetrators would go to jail, , perhaps a human can say their two fists are the only things guilty in an assault. Since this is only about 5% of their body, they should only spend 5% of the sentence in the actual jail.

How about that embezzler at that mighty corporation? It only took keystrokes and thus fingers to move all that money into his personal account from the corporation. Serving 1% of the sentence seems all too fair.

Weird things happen when we mix up corporations and persons. Be careful corporations or we’ll bite back.

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Bye Bye to the Space Shuttle Program

Posted on 9 July 2011 by Larry Russwurm

During the Space Shuttle’s last flight this week, many have with melancholy said bye to the whole Space Shuttle program with heaviness in their hearts.

I’ve had a heavy heart, too, but largely this post says goodbye to a joke, not the whole shuttle program.

It’s prop comedy, what you’ll need is 4 ordinary matches and metal foil. A lot of smokers are already armed with the equipment.

Pull off 3 matches and put them together, lengthwise. Now wrap a strip of foil (roughly 1inch by 3 inches) so that half the foil goes over the match heads and partly down the cardboard, and the other half goes past the matches. When done wrapping, twist the foil that is not covering the matches so no air can escape from this end. Now bend the cardboard of the matches 45 degrees, from the line of the tin foil to the bottom of the match. The three match bottoms must make a stable a tripod for the finished rocket to stand.

Stand the 3 match rocket up and strike a 4th match. Start the legs of the tripod on fire.

Now say, “This is my imitation of the space shuttle Challenger.”

Here is my video showing a 3 match rocket going off. The hope is that someone else will film a more impressive one – It took me half an hour to get the one shown (yeah I was talking to someone and got easily distracted).

I used to be able to get more explosive reactions. Perhaps aluminum foil is heavier than cigarette foil. Or maybe it was just a matter of being a more dedicated pyromaniac in my youth.

Technically the ‘explosion’ looks more like an explosion on the launch pad. I heard that at least one Soviet rocket blew up on the launch pad. But no one in North America has any idea what that rocket was called. Thus we have my poke at the Shuttle program.

And, in high school, when I was first told of these rockets by a teenage girl, she claimed they could rise 3 or 4 feet in the air. I have never had one rise more than a foot and usually sideways. So burn on, other pyromaniacs with better engineering skills. If you get one to rise 3 feet in the air, please film it and share it on YouTube.

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The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge

Posted on 1 July 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Naturally when I heard the name of the royal couple (Will and Kate) being the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, I suspected that they would visit the city directly to the south of me when they chose to visit Canada. That city, Cambridge, has over 100 000 people and I thought that city would be a blip upon the royals’ radar.

So, shocked that city didn’t make the itinerary of the royal couple, I looked at their schedule again. Ottawa ( another city in Ontario), the Northwest Territories, Alberta and P. E. I. Wait one moment, PEI is no larger population wise than the city of Cambridge.

Then why don’t the royal couple visit Cambridge? After all they are known as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

Hmmm. Despite being home to the school of architecture of the university of Waterloo, Cambridge, Ontario has no palace or castle. That must be why the Duke and Duchess are snubbing their namesake city. If we could only make them feel at home.

Indeed they are extending their tour into rebel territory, the so-called USA, and aren’t visiting Cambridge, Massachusetts or the other 6 Cambridges mentioned in my atlas of the world (seriously, did the Simpsons think of this as a name for their hometown?).

So of course the name of the Duke and Duchess must of course refer to a United Kingdom city. And indeed there is a city of Cambridge in the UK. However there is no residence that the Royals stay at, according to what I could find on the Internet.

So. They are holding out for a palace in whichever city of Cambridge would be first to build a nice palace for them. So all you extremely rich United Empire Loyalists that settled in Ontario, just give a huge sum of money to the school of architecture of the University of Waterloo in Cambridge, Ontario so that nice palace can be built for them. Then we can have the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge sit where they belong in southwestern Ontario. None of this Ottawa nonsense. Cambridge, Ontario must be the first and only visiting-Canada-home to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

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The Herd Mentality of Baby Boomers

Posted on 29 June 2011 by Larry Russwurm

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A herd.

Why did the baby boomer cross the road?

Because another baby boomer did.

What do you call a lone baby boomer?

Nonexistent.

I can feel the collective cringing of all marketers everywhere. ‘Don’t make fun of the baby boomers, they’re the most powerful group in the world.’

But baby boomers don’t outnumber everyone else. Combined, everyone else outnumbers the baby boomers. I refuse to be intimidated.

Besides, what are the baby boomers going to do? Not buy any more of my free posts? Soon they’ll all have walkers and canes, what are they going to do, march on Washington?

Maybe they’ll march on me. March on my city of Kitchener. Then do you know what will happen? There’ll be so many baby boomers (seriously, do they have one mind?) that resources in my city and area will be stretched an incredible amount. Suddenly a Toronto size city would be here – a leech on all of Kitchener’s resources. It’ll be a logistical nightmare.

Which gets to my point. I think baby boomers should be renamed the less flattering ‘logistical nightmare’. That’s what they’ve been their whole lives. From the extra room in nurseries when they first began, to portables in all the schools they attended, to an unbridled killing herd at a Who concert, to having everyone cater to them as adults (remember the show ’30 something’?) to the new expansions at retirement homes and eventually at nursing homes, the baby boomers have been one logistical nightmare after another.

Their brag for many years has been they really changed the world. Not all generations have been so arrogant. Previous generations just called big changes ‘progress’.

I’m sick, sick, sick of all the media attention the baby boomer generation gets. So here I am today frustrated, and maybe some of you think I’m spitting into the wind. But if I hit even a small fraction of the herd of the baby boomer – make that logistical nightmares – I’ll be happy. As far as I know no one has even tried to push back against the herd mentality of these logistical nightmares. Well that ends today. I hope my lame jokes spread. Remember, you unsure marketers, everyone else outnumbers the baby boomers.

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E’en Ste’en

Posted on 25 June 2011 by Larry Russwurm

^^How’s that for a poetic title? Of course Ste’en is the poetic contraction for Stephen, as in Stephen Harper – prime minister of Canada (I know – not a very poetic topic). Alright, I admit it, I forced the title. Just because I came up with it and thought it was cute.

Our first topic about Stephen is really about other people. In earlier posts I mentioned that some racist jokes can be changed to be about the leader. As in “ What’s the difference between Stephen Harper and a bucket of excrement?” The answer of course being “The bucket.” Or it was said in another post, to voice the ultimate insult say “You’re such a Stephen Harper!” Make sure to use a derisive tone of voice because Canadian conservatives might not think this is an insult. And finally I “rescued” a blonde joke by asking “How did Stephen Harper’s staff know he tried to fix a mistake on the computer?” “They found white out on the screen.”

Despite my use of Stephen Harper over and over again, just remember that other leaders could be similarly insulted. Don’t forget CEOs. For instance former Tim Horton’s CEO Don Schroeder got a severance package of about 6 million dollars. While the vast majority of Tim Horton staff make minimum wage. For a 40 hour work week over a year, that’s about $20 000. Deride Mr. Schroeder for making 300 times the average employee’s wage at one fell swoop.

Do I need to tell you to make other leaders the butt of jokes and insults? What about your boss? Your union leader? Your school council? Your teacher? The head of your department? The list goes on and on. Just make sure you don’t get fired or expelled while doing so.

And I am especially remiss in not suggesting the Queen as the butt of jokes. Being the titular head of Canada she needs some jokes at her expense. Jokes might bring her down to earth and have Canadians realize the complete uselessness of this level of government. Maybe we would once and for all shed the monarchy.

Then I could stick my tongue out at my American cousins and say “Nyeah, nyeah, we did it without a war.”

But back to Stephen. Some of you may remember my post here where I in effect said that Stephen Harper would not win a majority government because visually he does not look like a walking, talking caricature like the last three majority government winners of Canada (Pierre Trudeau, Brian Mulroney and Jean Chretien). This was too simplistic a view and obviously I was wrong since Harper won his majority government.

Finally I had a breakthrough last week when I passed the statue of William Lyon Mackenzie King in front of the high school of KCI in this, the city of Kitchener. Mackenzie King was normal looking, too, and yet he is the longest serving prime minister with many majority governments. It’s his character that seems like a caricature of a Liberal. He was a popular flake. His popularity is evidenced by his many governments. His flakiness is evidenced by his penchant to hold seances.

Then it hit me. Prime Minister Stephen Harper is a caricature of a Conservative. He is such a corporate stooge that his government tabled legislation to make the striking postal workers go back to work at a pay that was less than what Canada Post had offered. “I’ll take that corporate agenda and add union busting for fun,” Harper might as well of said.

So Harper has proved that he’s a human caricature. It’s just that it is his character that is the caricature.

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The 20th Century Showed that Genocide can be Common

Posted on 22 June 2011 by Larry Russwurm

First there was the Armenian genocide that started in Turkey during World War I. Then there was the obvious genocide of the European Jew done by Hitler and the Nazis during World War II. Then in the early ’90s there was the Bosnian genocide on Bosnian Muslims committed by Bosnian Serbs. Then there was the Rwandan genocide which saw the Tutsis killed by the Hutu majority, also in the ’90s.

The term genocide is relatively new. It came about in 1944 as Jewish people struggled to say what had happened to them in Europe. And ever since the end of World War II it has taken its status as the worst kind of crime that humans could commit.

But see how common it was? The Armenian one is especially illuminating because it was swept under the rug, denied, or was thought of as just another transgression of a majority toward a minority. I’m thinking that this attitude existed in many societies over the centuries and millennia. Many attempted or successful genocides may have happened.

This might sound like a wild accusation against humanity, after all things like this became more likely in the 20th century with mass production and personal identifications.

But I’d like to go way back. How come only one type of man made it into history and all the others were lost in prehistory? There was Homo Habilis, Homo Ergaster, Homo Erectus, Homo Heidelbergensis and Homo Neanderthalis. All were wiped out by either us (Homo Sapiens) or by a species we wiped out. Genocides happened in the prehistoric world, too. That’s what 20th century history tells me about the past.

But by not developing written history our ancestors were even smarter than us at sweeping genocide under the rug. Of course our ancestors almost blew it. Homo Floresiensis was recently discovered to have lived as recently as 13 000 years ago. 8 000 years ago was the date of some of humanity’s earliest recorded writing although some cave paintings as old as 20 000 years ago are thought to be symbolic.

So humanity is an experienced pro at genocide. You may feel smug – “I’m in too large a group to be persecuted that way” you might think. But remember, there is blurriness in the Jewish Holocaust. Was the genocide because of their ethnicity or was it because of their beliefs?

Men. Wiping out other men since the genus Homo first began.

Posted in History, Politics, Science, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments