Anchored in Past Tense

Posted on 29 May 2011 by Larry Russwurm

The first thing I thought as I perused my sister Laurie’s draft of her novel Inconstant Moon was that it was unfortunately in present tense. ‘Why is this unfortunate?’ you might ask, and I would tell you that I immediately thought that she would make many mistakes and slip into past tense.

But I kept reading the draft and never found a slip up. I was expecting a slip up because years earlier I had made my first and only attempt to write a story in present tense. I failed. In only a novelette length of story, I slipped into past tense and back into present tense many times. I discovered from this exercise that I am firmly mired in using past tense. It’s how I naturally think and I have the overwhelming examples of almost every novel I’ve read to thank for this. I can intuit the proper phrasing in past tense, something I find hard to do in present tense.

And I wanted very much to succeed at writing present tense. If I could do it properly, I would be ambitious and try something out in future tense, something I’ve never seen before although it is possible in English.

I want to write future tense for the simple reason that I write science fiction almost exclusively. And the vast majority of my work takes place in, you guessed it, the future. I feel incapable of ever meeting this goal after my poor attempt at simpler present tense. So it was a surprise that my sister was not only capable of present tense, she wrote it well. If you wish to see her suspense novel, Inconstant Moon, she is serializing it under a Creative Commons Licence here.

So, today, I am left wondering why almost all of science fiction is written in past tense. It is incredibly ironic.

I’m reminded of the phrase “future history” that many science fiction authors use when discussing their work. I think it is an attempt at verisimilitude that future stories say they are rooted in history. The appearance of being real is achieved by using the ‘fact of the history’.

Or, in past tense, being real is achieved by the ‘fact of the past’. This is my excuse today. If I never write a story in future tense, I can just say “It’s all for the verisimilitude.” It’s nice to have a rationalization for your faults.

Posted in Announcements, Language, Science Fiction, SF Criticism, Wee Bit O' Humour, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Fire Breathing Dragon Guitars

Posted on 25 May 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I was a kid during the lion share of the Glam Rock period. Still, the imprint was there when I first started playing guitar in the mid 1980’s.

So, despite possibly being seen as a throwback, when I came up with the fire breathing dragon guitar idea, I thought everyone would view the guitar as incredibly cool, fashion be damned. Below is a rough I drew up, I think maybe the wing could maybe be bigger and have a third webbing and a fourth ‘finger’. The base of the wing is supposed to lift a few inches off the guitar before going up – so I can easily play it.

But if you’re going to have one dragon guitar in a band, you might as well make the rhythm, lead and bass guitars into fire breathing dragons. Right away we come up with my first problem. You see basses are bigger than guitars. The low pitch of the bass demands this extra length. So if we were to have a bassist-guitarist dragon fight, it would look like the bass would win.

Fine, maybe the guitarist could solo so impressively and thus ‘win musically’ over the bassist. It’s true that most bassists won’t solo. I only know of two songs (Does it Really Happen? by Yes and Play With Me by Bootsauce), that have bass solos that could compete with the usual guitar solos of a song. But here again, I’m beat because I’m a rhythm guitarist. I know all sorts of chords and techniques to use them, as well as some impressive intros and repetitive lead lines. But, alas, I’m not very good at soloing.

It would never do to have a bassist or a guitar soloist beat me, the creator of the fire breathing dragon guitar. But all of this battling may be a moot point.

As you might be able to tell from the drawing, the dragon guitar is kind of one sided. In other words, with the usual right handed guitarists, battles couldn’t really be fought. There are left handed guitarists but they are rare. I have two left handed brothers and both play guitar right handed.

So any battles taking place on stage, would be three fire breathing dragon guitars attacking one poor stationary drummer from the one side. That’s not nearly as exciting as I had envisioned at the outset. Fire breathing dragon guitar idea may you rest in peace.

Posted in Art, Fashion, Humour, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Approaches by the Other

Posted on 21 May 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Here’s what I have written on a scrap of paper as an idea for this post:

Since the weaker members of society are being given more respect, what will we use for insults? Maybe sacrifice the F word and totally divorce it from being gay.

Believe it or not I hadn’t seen the South Park episode, “The F Word” from season 13. Just saw it two days ago – alright I’m slow and not at the cutting edge this time. And the group they chose to represent the F word? Why Harley drivers. Having lived at a place where Harley drivers (or other owners of large bikes) would pass regularly, I’ve built up quite a hatred of motorcycles. Huge trucks and souped up sports cars aren’t as loud.

My point was going to be we have to sacrifice at least one word. And judging by middle school boys, the F word is considered to be the “ultimate” insult and thus the first one used. If we leave a total vacuum of insults they are going to rebel and use perhaps all of them. Since the F word seems to be the first one back, filling that vacuum, it seems to be the one most needed to sacrifice.

And there seems to be some movement to divorce it from meaning gay. When the long F word was used in school, I remember teachers just saying “it means a bundle of sticks, look it up in the dictionary.” And the short F word only refers to gays in North America. In Britain it is slang for cigarettes. I remember hilarity ensued watching a film from Britain(I’m in Canada) where a smoker was jonesing for a smoke. That incongruence between societies was funny.

So with that long winded introduction, I want now to look at insults that mean the other in society and how different approaches are used by different groups. And these disparate approaches mostly seem to be working, meaning to me that society is more enlightened than it’s ever been.

First up is the N word. We all know how offensive the word can be to blacks. And by cracking down on saying it at all, the other N word hardly ever gets said anymore. That second N word is negro which is usually not used to offend. When this word disappears people are less likely to corrupt it into the N word that is insulting to black people. The problem with this approach so far is that young blacks have used the N word in rap songs. So I have to say that the last time I heard the N word was by a rap fan.

Next up is my own group. The world of mental illness used to be filled with hopeless cases until the 1950’s when treatments began transforming the lives of my peoples. Previous to this, being locked up in sanitariums was the rule. And eventually the language, here, too, began to be cleaned up. Both patients and society began to use illness to describe these conditions; nuts, loco, spinning a pointed finger at the temple and even the word crazy ended up in the trash bin for talking by and about my people. In fact for quite a few years after being diagnosed, I would still say “when I was crazy…” when mentioning any ‘episode’ I’d had. I would get funny stares from my peers and the mental health establishment so finally I gave up the ghost and now say “when I was ill…”

The intellectually challenged is the next group I’d like to look at. In a previous post I’d mentioned them and the euphemism treadmill they are on. Supporters of this group keep finding that they are still insulted by some parts of society. So I suggest cycling the euphemisms instead of all the time coming up with new ones. Right now we could use intellectually challenged, in 20 years slow learners, and in 20 more years we could go back to mentally retarded. You see, the segment of society that does the insulting doesn’t come up with something unique every time, so why should the response be unique every time?

The physically disabled have also been insulted. In fact, some of you may have cringed at the physically disabled descriptor and may have thought to yourself the “differently abled”. This group chooses to remind us that they can do many things on their own -in fact, they can usually do many more things than they can’t do. Plus there are workarounds.

And here we have the one minority insult that I’m still guilty of using – dumb. But still this group remains silent on the subject. I kid, before they find me and shout me down. I kid again. Guess I’ll have to start using the word stupid. My last use of the word dumb – for a previous post mentioning “dumb” blondes (which I said was a racist stereotype). In the insulting segment of society, the pairing of the racist with the ignorant seems natural. And honestly, if there are some mutes perusing this article, I quite expect you to use some of the hurtful terms listed above, against me (not my group though).

I still haven’t gotten to approaches of the obese or other ethnicities and even religions. Instead I would like to close with what may be even a better sacrifice than the F word. Regular readers of this site might already be expecting this. We can start to make “leader” or in the case of Canada, the prime minister, the ultimate insult.

Say this with a derisive tone of voice: “You’re such a prime minister!”

Or, if you prefer to be specific, “You’re such a Stephen Harper!” Of course, as regards everything with Stephen Harper (the prime minister of my country), the derisive tone was assumed.

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The 27 Year Old Musician Jinx

Posted on 18 May 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I remember reading a list of about 15 musicians who had their careers cut short by death. There was a brief biography of each which amongst other things listed the age of their deaths. Half of them died at the age of 27. This was the first I heard about the 27 year old jinx.

The big 5 of this group are Brian Jones (the Rolling Stones), Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. Although the most famous of these musicians are the rock ones, there are blues musicians on this list too. To see a more complete list, check this Wikipedia article entitled the 27 Club.

So what are we to learn from this? If you’re a 27 year old musician, stay clear of swimming pools, mixing wine with sleeping pills, hard drugs, things that could cause heart failure, shotguns, strychnine, etc., etc. Actually if we go too long and far into the Wikipedia list, it gets to the point where you should just say 27 year old musicians should just avoid life. Which in itself might be a danger to 27 year old musicians.

But I have a solution for some of us. What if we were to have a music making forum where only those over 28 years of age could apply? Maybe we could start it off as one of those music talent shows, with a record production division. Maybe then it could grow to take over other rock and blues venues.

But I sense that Junior would object. “Why are all these grandmas and grandpas making music now? I want to see someone my own age.”

But Junior doesn’t know that he’s condemning some of his rock star heroes to death when they are 27. Maybe when the first one dies, he’ll come over to the old side.

Posted in History, Humour, Music, Pseudo Science | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

It Takes a Village

Posted on 14 May 2011 by Larry Russwurm

C.E.O.’s have got us convinced that they are extremely necessary for a company’s bottom line. Look at the cult of Jobs or the cult of Trump or even the former cult of Iacocca. And what does it matter, in the huge companies they run, they are one amongst thousands and thousands of employees. Better to give them an extra million instead of giving everyone else a raise of a dollar an hour. Oh yes they’ve run the numbers.

But they keep getting that extra million and the lower employees keep getting passed up on raises so that today these C.E.O.’s are worth about 500 of their lowest paid employees.

And of course they’ll spin that, too. “It takes a village,” one of these leaders might say. “And you see, being worth 500 people makes me a village. What better to run such an important company but a village.”

Never mind that less than 500 people from their own company might be better tuned to expand the company than the C.E.O. “If they could, they would start their own company,” one of these leaders might say. When we know they might not have the capitalization backing them.

But we also know these C.E.O.’s are hyper competitive. Just look at Donald Trump playing that “Birther” card as an in with the tea party and thus trying to get a leg up on his Republican competition.

So when will these mega rich people begin demanding to be worth a town? A city? A metropolis?

Don’t sell their egos short. This will, unchecked, be their goal.

Real villages should speak up. When C.E.O. salaries keep going up, even when the company’s fortunes go down, there is something wrong. And, if they are worth so much, why must they hide some of their wages as bonuses?

I think C.E.O.’s are not worth a village. I would suggest that they be taken down to hamlet size but to many it’s unclear how many people are in a hamlet. So my definition is about 50 or less.

In one way I will accept a C.E.O. has something more to offer than a village. In unmitigated gall.

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Policing the Word Police

Posted on 11 May 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I’ve been surfing the net to find what phrase or word has superseded the older and now frowned upon term ‘mentally retarded’.

I did it for pure self interest, at first, until I found that the phrase I thought might have taken over, hadn’t . At least not totally. That phrase is mentally challenged. I have a bone to pick with this term. Allow me to get rid of this at the outset.

I have a mental illness and as anyone can see, mentally challenged could describe me as well. That is the problem. I don’t want to be lumped in a group with the mentally retarded because a) it doesn’t distinguish among our disparate conditions and b) might imply to people that I’m a very slow learner, which I am not. So this term can be inaccurate and have less precision than the previous language.

The term I support the most is intellectually challenged. To me it’s the best of three possible replacement terms for mental retardation.

The last term I bring up seems to be gaining the most traction in the admittedly unscientific surfing I did. That term is developmentally delayed. First I’d like to point out that the delayed part implies that maybe people with this condition can get a university degree by the time they’re 40 and could have a PhD before they die. That’s not how it works.

Developmentally delayed isn’t even precise enough to tell you it’s a mental condition. Maybe the person with this condition might enter puberty in their thirties. But more important is the fact that many people are developmentally delayed. Kids that didn’t speak properly in Grades 1 and 2 were taken out of my class and worked one on one with a speech coach. After a couple years of this, they all managed to speak quite well and caught up to the rest of the class in what they missed. These kids could be called developmentally delayed, too. There is a host of other conditions that might fit under this term as well. As with mentally challenged, this term can be inaccurate and have less precision than another term.

Some may say it’s fine to lump others with the intellectually challenged – people who object just need to be less bigoted. Let’s lump your group in with the intellectually challenged, then. Some of this wordplay I’m sure is caused by pediatricians. So we can then call the intellectually challenged “pediatricians”. How’s that for the next word on the euphemism treadmill?

I’m quite familiar with the idea of a euphemism treadmill. Here’s my 2 cents. I have a friend (let’s call him Ed) who is insulting quite a lot of the time. So normally I insult him back. But I thought it was funny to one day say “You’re such an Ed!” with a derisive tone in my voice. I used his name as an insult this way for many months. I thought it was funny. He took it as an insult every time, too. That tone of voice is going to be used on the term intellectually challenged and part of the community is going to call out for a new term when it does. We know this happens and could be prepared.

How about we use three terms: intellectually challenged, slow learner, and mentally retarded in a cycle, each portion of which could last 20 years. That way, the insults you heard in grade school would hopefully be changed by the time your kid is found to be intellectually challenged.

This might result in the intellectually challenged and their families to be not so put off by the words used. By the time the cycle was through, caregivers might not care about the name so much.

If we don’t follow my advice about the cyclical euphemism treadmill then we’re on an infinite euphemism treadmill that will never end. Again, I nominate “pediatrician” as the next word that becomes unusable by polite society.

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Are Secret Blondes Dumb

Posted on 10 May 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Last post I brought up the idea of “secret blondes”. They were young people who start out blonde but in adulthood end up with dark hair, people whose hair turns blonde by too much sun exposure, and white haired elderly people whose hair colour could also be called blonde.

My mind kept churning on the topic. I try many points of views – a lot of the time that’s how I come up with blog posts. Anyway I tried on the idea that maybe secret blondes are dumb.

You see, kids are stupid – that’s precisely why we don’t allow them to vote. And people should know by now not to spend so much time in the sun that their hair turns colour. You’d have to be stupid not to know this. And white haired old people? Well can’t old mean senile and thus quite stupid?

I didn’t want and don’t want any blondes thought of as dumb which is why I don’t like “proving” that “secret blondes” are dumb. So I thought some more and came up with defences.

Kids aren’t really stupid, they just don’t have a large knowledge base to help make wise decisions. Some people can’t help the amount of time spent in the sun – they are working. But now knowing more about sunscreen and how much you need, you can help protect your skin. Your hair doesn’t need much protection from the sun for health – the visible parts are dead. So your hair may bleach blonde but you can still be intelligent about it by protecting your skin. And finally, not all people who get white hair become senile.

Sorry for arguing both sides, but now I’ve ended where I want to. Secret blondes are not dumb.

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Blonde Jokes are Racist

Posted on 8 May 2011 by Larry Russwurm

We’ve all heard the dumb blonde jokes. We can feign innocence but we all know these jokes exist precisely to make fun of blondes. No correlation between blonde hair and lowered intelligence has ever been shown to exist.

This negative stereotype is just as bad as any racial stereotype joke. Regular readers might know my take on some racist jokes and it is also true for some of the blonde jokes. Instead of making blondes the butt of the joke, it is possible to make “the leader” the butt of these jokes.

How did everyone know that Stephen Harper [prime minister of Canada] made a mistake on the computer? They found whiteout on the screen.

The reason blonde jokes are just as offensive as racist jokes is because a blonde cannot help being blonde. I mean they could dye their hair but so too can different skin pigments be covered up. Granted the skin thing is much more laborious and so much less likely to be done. I refuse to insult a blonde person because they have not coloured their hair.

And there are “secret blondes” that fly under the radar of the blonde racist. Two of my sisters had blonde hair when they were little but grew into brown hair as adults. I myself have dark brown hair but one summer worked outdoors ten hours a day and ended up with blonde streaks in my hair. And of course one of the range of colours that is called blonde is white hair. Most elderly people get white hair with age. So at some point in life, most people are blonde. Together we can take down the regime of making blondes feel dumb.

Still, if a blonde uses the stereotype “blondes have more fun”, I think they are trying to make themselves superior than the differently coloured. In that case I don’t think the “secret blondes” would object to a blonde joke or two, or even better yet, a joke about that particular person (substitute their name for Stephen Harper).

Posted in Politics, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Could High British Fashion be Influenced by a Canadian Serial Killer

Posted on 4 May 2011 by Larry Russwurm

If you saw any part of the guests at the Royal Wedding of Will and Kate last week, I bet you noticed the hats. No not the bland hat that the Queen and other older women wore, but the startling hats of the younger, allegedly more stylish female crowd.

Here is a link to one of the pages on the Internet that show some of the hats. Pay particular attention to Princess Beatrice of York, Princess Eugenie of York, Victoria Beckham and Tara Palmer Tomkinson. Notice the style of wearing these hats over the forehead. Indeed these ridiculous hats seem to defy gravity. In fact, I’m certain that they they do defy gravity and only pins can hold them on to their owner’s heads.

Just another ridiculous high fashion thing, you may think. But to me, all I could think of was that they got the hat covering the forehead idea from Canadian serial killer, Russel Williams.

Here Russel Williams can be seen with his forehead completely covered by his hat. And his reason for doing this can be seen by this picture. He wants to hide all signs of a receding hairline. That is his reason for wearing his army hat so low on his forehead.

So why are young women of high British society copying a Canadian serial killer? I’ve racked my brains ever since I noticed this trend and all I can think of is it’s some pathetic attempt by these ladies to have street credibility. Oh how high society has fallen.

Posted in Fashion, Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments

Helping Science Denialism Come of Age

Posted on 30 April 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Poor science denialism, in some quarters it doesn’t get as much respect as science. Perhaps that’s because it doesn’t have a codified methodology like science has. Here we would like to rectify this situation.

But first we will start with the scientific method. We can use it both as a guide and a comparison, so we can thus see where science denialism departs from the scientific method.

THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD:

I.Hypothesis: Start with a hypothesis that is testable by experiment.
II.Apparatus: That Apparatus needed to do the experiment.
III.Experiment: The actual testing of the hypothesis.
IV.Observations: The carefully sensed and recorded observations of the experiment.
V.Conclusions: Did the hypothesis prove valid through the tests? Why or why not?

Seems simple enough. Now we’ll show our tentative first draft of the method of science denialism.

THE METHOD OF SCIENCE DENIALISM:

I.Know What You Want: Start out with a tenet that is lucrative to prove.
II.Apparatus: A list of all the equipment you would like to be able to purchase by taking your position. Like certain cars or the Blackberry Playbook.
III.Casing Out: Casing out where your opponents live. Don’t worry sometimes this is just used as an intimidating one liner on your opponents.
IV.Outshouting: That active part of the method where you outshout, out email or out twitter your opponents.
V.Concussions: This is where you try to prove your biases through might. State assertively that the winner of any argument is the one who kicks the other’s @$$. Repeat until true.

Some of you may have a better understanding of the method of science denialism. We must repeat that this is just a first attempt in codifying the methodology. Any suggestions would be welcome before we formalize the method of science denialism.

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