The Scourge of the Nineties

Posted on 10 March 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Some say the scourge of the nineties was Kim Jong Il or maybe ethnic cleansing, either Rwandan or Bosnian. I have a different thing to nominate and this will hit home to anyone who lived in the developed world in the nineties. Especially in city limits.

For my scourge, let’s look inside a small church somewhere in the developed world. It’s probably a Saturday because at the front of the church is a pastor with what can only be a bride and groom and a wedding party.

Everyone in the church is resplendent in fine clothes, clothes which may even be too good for Sunday wear. The pastor goes “I now pronounce you…”

This is followed by a loud “WEE OOH, WEE OOH!” that although it is coming from outside the church, drowns out anything inside.

The bride and groom try to stumble through the rest of the ceremony despite the continuous “WEE OOH, WEE OOH!” that drowns everything out. Guessing the pastor is done the groom pushes his head forward an inch before he realizes the bride is staring at the pastor. Unable to stop completely the groom’s nose touches the brides cheek.

The unexpected touch makes the bride pull back and turn to her man. She mouths an “Oh,” then finally the kiss comes. But it is not as pretty as prepared. The “WEE OOH, WEE OOH,” continues.

As the couple pull away from the kiss, a tear mars the bride’s face. A flash of realization is seen on the bride and she turns to the camera which is filming on VHS. Everyone can see her mouth ‘the video!’. She slumps and the groom and others of the wedding party make sure they catch her and take her to a bench.

The “WEE OOH, WEE OOH,” goes on for many more minutes. Finally the car alarm is silenced. If the alarm belongs to anyone at the wedding they do not show it.

The bride gets up and shouts “My whole wedding… ruined!” This time she does slump to the floor.

“$20 000!” Yells the groom who also faints.

Now some of you may say that this all sounds so contrived, the nineties didn’t happen like that. I say that car alarms were that bad.

Just imagine watching a favourite show on TV, perhaps a mystery. What do you do if, at the reveal, a car alarm goes off and you miss it. This was serious. TV seasons weren’t available on DVD back then. You’d find the odd show, packaged with one or two more episodes for the price of a new movie. So they sold horribly and were hardly available. Odds are you couldn’t find the reveal you missed anywhere.

Early in the nineties people would pass a car and if the car alarm turned on were worried they’d be attacked by the owner. But as that decade progressed it became common knowledge that the lightest breeze or even less, could set off these alarms. Guilt eventually passed on to the owners.

Seinfeld, that icon of the nineties, even commented on this. Jerry said the car alarm sounded like a crazy person in full blown distress. He preferred a car that would be more subtle and say something like a throat clearing “Ahem.”

This nineties answer never caught on. Even a couple of ahems followed by the full alarm if signals kept coming, wasn’t tried.

The real answer seemed to come sometime in the oughts. Apparently most alarms could be made to work fine, it’s just that people had been installing them incorrectly. That’s right, there are as many alarms in cars as in the nineties it’s just that they are now (mostly) working properly.

So if you are a youngin who has made it this far through this post, now you have something to say if you hear us older people talk about the good old nineties. Now you can say “Isn’t that the decade where people didn’t know how to install car alarms?”

All we’ll be able to say is “Yes. Yes it was.”

Posted in Geography, History, Humour, Science, Stage and Screen | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Crippling Ourselves

Posted on 8 March 2011 by Larry Russwurm

There are anti bullying shows sometimes on television or in other media. Dr. Phil, for instance has made a couple of schools sign a pledge to intervene if someone is being bullied. The net outcome might be in a positive direction, but I don’t think bullying will end so easily.

Which is too bad, really because some of those who die might directly be the next great artist or scientist. Some might think the living bullied might become stronger because of the old saw ‘what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’. I take offense at this statement because it is patently untrue. Some of the bullied might have been a great architect or engineer and end up craving obscurity and become a dishwasher in a restaurant.

I think that we are years behind in the arts and sciences and fine arts because we have let some bullying go.

It might be most obvious in technology where civilization could have taken us already. Space elevators might already exist to get us out of Earth’s gravity well. And if we were in a hurry, private rockets would take us into space that much faster.

Anti gravity belts might make us lighter than a bird so flapping our arms (in the correct way) would allow us to fly. Maybe this wouldn’t be as Utopian as we think, now having three dimensions to avoid having an accident in.

Invisibility articles already litter some of the science literature. By now maybe we’d have perfect invisibility for one and all. There might be downsides to this as well. Most magic tricks could be done with someone in an invisibility suit so this art (science?) might go down the crapper. Plus we would have many more ways to have accidents with a large percentage of the public invisible. True anonymity might be nice.

Obviously I know there will be downsides with almost every breakthrough technology. I still think the advantages will outweigh the downsides. Even if they cancel each other out, future technology will make the world more interesting.

So fast forward the future by taking a bite out of bullying (or the bullies!). And if the sciences change everything, imagine what the new marvels in the arts and the fine arts will be.

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Of Wolves and Coyotes

Posted on 5 March 2011 by Larry Russwurm

The coyote problem has been in the news in my area (southern Ontario) for awhile. The news outlets have said coyotes are nuisances that kill farm animals and might even one day kill a child.

It didn’t used to be this way. My area, much as the rest of North America, was originally inhabited by wolves. The wolves kept the coyotes out of much of North America excepting the deserts.

But European expansion into North America brought with it a hatred of wolves. Dirty tricks were used such as killing bison and lacing the dead body with poison to get the wolves. So all the densely human settled areas got rid of wolves.

Wolves generally do not attack humans. They might attack dogs or livestock but only a rabid wolf will attack a human. There has been grumbling that Eurasian wolves will attack humans but I don’t think it has been ruled out that these wolves are dog/wolf hybrids.

The theory about why dog/wolf hybrids can be dangerous is simple. Dogs are not afraid of humans but are tame. Wolves are afraid of humans but wild. When a dog/wolf mating has offspring, they might not be afraid of humans and be wild. So these offspring can be dangerous.

So we managed to get rid of wolves, an animal that avoids human contact and certainly does not stalk us. Instead we now have coyotes which will attack children.

A quick peek over at Wikipedia reveals that there have been non rabid attacks by coyotes on children, one resulting in death. And the fear of more child attacks has raised the cry, ‘Destroy the coyote.’

But if we decimate coyotes, what will take their place, and will it be more dangerous?

Perhaps Sasquatches will move into a new niche if the coyotes disappear. And I think that this will be mega dangerous. Why? Because Sasquatches are smarter than humans.

Obviously Sasquatches have managed to hide from us ubiquitous humans for thousands of years. The only explanation is that they are smarter than us and cover their traces.

Will humanity be able to survive the onslaught from the much smarter Sasquatch? I doubt it. Perhaps they’ll leave a small breeding population of humans in the deserts of the world, much as the wolves used to leave the coyotes a place a to live.

Posted in History, Politics, Pseudo Science, Science, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Nuke the Rain Forest

Posted on 2 March 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Is there a dangerous cure for global warming? The following article says there might be: A Small Nuclear War Would Stall Global Warming. They specifically say that 100 Hiroshima sized bombs would result in fires where mega tons of carbon would reach the upper troposphere. From there, it would heat up and rise to heights where it wouldn’t easily come down. In the shade of this carbon barrier, the Earth would cool.

The astute of you are wondering, now, if setting off a hundred nuclear bombs could do this without killing anyone. Since the first atomic bomb, 2000 nuclear bombs have been tested. And guess what? Global warming still happened.

I’m guessing that the majority of tests took place in deserts where little fire would result. But still, to get fires from nukes, wouldn’t it be possible to set off 100 nukes in forests to get the same results without killing anyone? Could nuking the rain forest help in controlling global warming?

But cities and forests are not the same thing at all. Perhaps nuking all those cities is necessary to stall global warming. I see one resource that uninhabited forests wouldn’t have: human virgins.

You see, according to demographics, cities should have many people young enough to be virgins. And wouldn’t it only be proper that a mega virgin sacrifice offered to the gods of climate would appease – er- stall global warming. We’ve come a long way.

Of course if we overdo it by a few bombs, the gods of radiation and habitability might kill the Earth. That’s the chance you take in this mega virgin sacrifice. There must be enough virgin sacrifices to appease, not enough to anger.

Posted in History, Humour, Politics, Science | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Cousin Opie

Posted on 27 February 2011 by Larry Russwurm

A few years ago I did some cartoons for the Barn Dance Opera Journal.

The CKNX Barn Dance was a radio show aired every week from the Wingham station in southwestern Ontario. The actual show travelled from town to town, really arena to arena (which Country Music people meant when they said barn). It started in the mid 20th century and continues in stripped down form today – it’s no longer aired and it occurs less frequently than weekly. For more visit thebarndance.ca .

The show created some notable Country entertainers including Earl Heywood, Al Cherny and Larry Mercey ( of Mercey Brothers fame).

Just a few years ago, Cousin Opie would perform a comic routine at some of the shows. Really Lloyd Otterbein dressed outrageously hillbilly, it was thought that a comic strip featuring this character could be put into the Barn Dance Opera Journal. That’s where I came in.

Here are 5 of the comics I drew and wrote. The comic strip halted as I started to dry up in ideas from the Cousin Opie perspective. Remember he’s not my creation. Still we had some laughs and below are some of them.

Update: With the resolution it can be hard to read the cartoons. Click on each image to enlarge.

 

Posted in Art, Cartoon, History, Music, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What Would Happen if the Tea Party Becomes a Real Political Party

Posted on 23 February 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I know there seems to be more animosity between the Tea Partiers and the leftish Republicans. It’s only a matter of time before Tea Partiers join with the Democrats to outvote the normal Republicans. So it would seem inevitable that Tea Partiers will form a new party.

Firstly the new Tea Party wouldn’t just draw voters from the Republican Party. Some voters might go “Ooh, shiny and new,” and come over from the fold of the Democrats. But that’s great, right wingers would say, more conservative voters.

But what they wouldn’t expect is the Canadian experience. Canada has 3 main parties (and the Bloc which only operates in Quebec and doesn’t necessarily support right or left objectives). Of the three main parties, 2 are leftish and one is right wing. Combined the 2 leftish parties get more votes than the right wing. But the right wing gets more total votes than any of the other two parties. So in our three party system, the right wing gets to form the government.

I predict the same thing will happen in the United States if the Tea Party becomes the third party. Only in the case of the U.S., the two right wing parties will lose to the left wing Democrats in the first past the post system.

So what will this lead to? I’ve gotten out my crystal ball to look far into the future. I see the left winning election after election in the United States. In about 100 years, the left will have almost run out of other left wing things to try and will resort to anarchy, the abolition of all government.

Meanwhile in Canada, the right wing will have won election after election and will have almost run out of things to try. So fascism will triumph. With a strong fascist army, Canada will invade the defenceless U.S.

But in order to retain its hold on the U.S., Canada will have to hold free elections. With three right wing parties and three left wing parties and the Bloc the vote could go either way. So past this political singularity, I cannot see any further into the future. Oh to be there in 2111, those will be heady times.

Or maybe Canada and the U.S. will abandon their first past the post political systems. Still that seems less likely than the 2111 political singularity. Imagine, bowing to the will of the people…

Posted in Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

It’s True That Men Can’t Give Birth

Posted on 19 February 2011 by Larry Russwurm

It is true that men can’t give birth. It’s been the topic of whiny self examination before and I expect it to rear it’s head in the future, too. Women tell us we just can’t understand. We men nod our heads, obediently hiding our true thoughts.

Those true thoughts are of large, dense fecal forms which we sometimes pass when we are on the throne. Women have naysayed such a comparison, explaining that they have passed those same fecal forms and it is nothing like giving birth.

Do women truly know what they speak of? It could just be a play to make us have more sympathy for women.

Some of the men agreeing with me have gone through Lamaze classes and coached, supported and been beside their wives through the whole birth process.

And when these men were passing that rare massive turd, I have reason to believe they were thinking about those Lamaze classes. How to breath and other pain lessening approaches aided them in their own time of need.

Even though defecating is considered the ultimate private activity, I think great need creates great exception. Those husbands wouldn’t mind having their wives by their side, coaching and supporting them just as they coached their wives through child birth. .

And finally, after safe passage has occurred, do not all men turn around and look at their creation? Society (and cleanliness) prevents us from admiring and, say, measuring our creations.

It is with a heavy heart that we reach for the flush lever. All the while thinking of that old joke: “What’s the difference between the leader and a toilet full of $#!+”? The answer of course is, “the toilet”.

Our creation had so much potential, we men think as we flush the toilet. Finally all traces of our creation are gone. Except for maybe a lingering smell. The only thing allowing us men to get on with our day is knowing that tomorrow we will make another creation.

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Repurposing Some Racist Jokes

Posted on 17 February 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I am not saying for one minute that all racist jokes should be repurposed. I don’t think that it’s even possible for some jokes. The ones that I’m talking about are the straight up insults. The ones that have nothing to do with actual differences in peoples or even stereotypes of said peoples.

The first inkling that something could be done started with someone I know bemoaning the loss of culture with the onset of political correctness. I know for sure that this person knew a boatload of racist jokes that were even then no longer tolerated by society. My first instinct was ‘tough, deal with this loss and don’t come crying to me’. But many years later I realized that the straight up insult jokes could easily be repurposed.

But wait, you might say, insult jokes mean someone has to still be the butt of the joke. That’s right. Having spent some time doing political cartoons, the choice of the new butt of the jokes was easy for me. How about ‘the leader’?

So now we can ask, “What’s the difference between Stephen Harper and a pail of excrement?” If someone were to answer “The pail!” we would have no choice but to agree.

Or maybe for over the internet when everyone is not sure who everyone else’s leader is (Stephen Harper is Canada’s prime minister), we can just straight up say ‘the leader’.

“A plane is flying over the Atlantic but unfortunately the fuel is leaking and it can’t make it to shore with all aboard. On board are a French man, an American, a Canadian and the Canadian leader. Suddenly the Frenchman goes to the door and says “I do this for my country!” and jumps out the door.

“The others are relieved temporarily but with some recalculation they figure the plane is still too heavy. So the American (perhaps inspired by the French man) goes to the door and says “I do this for my country!” and jumps out.

“Recalculation says that one more person needs to jump to lighten the load. So the Canadian says “I do this for my country!” and pushes out the Canadian leader.”

Now some may question my timing, especially in the United States, because the leader of that country is black, so it might look like I’m trying to sully his name with insult humour that was formerly only associated with racists.

But Barack Obama is half white. In fact he is part of an unbroken string of white men that have ruled the United States since George Washington.

That’s right. We might eventually be in for “the first black president part II”. Just saying. It’s still a victory to get someone of mixed race into the highest offices of power.

Hate my repurposing of jokes? Approve of making ‘the leader’ the butt of jokes? Discuss.

Posted in Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Longest Street in the World

Posted on 15 February 2011 by Larry Russwurm

When I was very young, a kid really, the city of Toronto had a bit of an inferiority complex. It was only the second biggest city in Canada and didn’t have as many things to draw people from far away. In fact it was world class in only one way that I knew about – it had the billing of containing the longest street in the world, it’s main street, Yonge Street.

Now I grew up a 100 kilometres away so I didn’t really know Toronto all that well as a kid. So I took this as a straight fact and never challenged anything about this record. And in fact, others didn’t either and for some years the billing of longest street in the world was contained in the Guinness book of World Records.

But Toronto grew from this one thing of note. Toronto built the CN Tower which was for many years the largest free standing structure in the world. This put Toronto on the world stage. It also gave Toronto an iconic skyline as seen from Lake Ontario.

Then a decade and a half later Toronto became home to the first retractable roof stadium, the Sky Dome. I refuse to use it’s modern name because the stadium was sold to a telecommunications behemoth for a price that I think should only give the company naming rights – not the whole stadium.

And Toronto got rid of its ‘second city’ title. An English rights backlash in French speaking Montreal made many people move from that larger city to Toronto. So Toronto eventually surpassed Montreal and to this very day is the largest city in Canada.

I even lived in Toronto for some years. Enough to know that streets are longer east to west in the official city of Toronto than the north and south of Yonge Street. Yonge St. continues through suburbs. It’s built up for many kilometres north of the city.

Suspecting a fake recently, I looked up how long the supposed longest street in the world is and found it is 1 896 kilometres. The build up north of Toronto is only a tiny fraction of that length. So the road becomes a between towns highway. Yes for 1 896 kilometres. Yet my Webster’s New World Dictionary defines a street as: a public road in a city or town, esp. a paved one.

So now I see that to get a World’s Record all one has to do is play fast and loose with official definitions. There are other word names for roads we can use. Kitchener-Waterloo’s (the city I live in) Conestoga Parkway could now be called the world’s biggest Crescent. Another Ontario highway, Highway 6 in the Bruce Peninsula could be called the world’s biggest Cul-de-sac . Some Quebec highway could be called the longest Rue in the world.

The rest of the country likes to take digs at Toronto. This time I feel it’s deserved. Perhaps we can rename the Trans Canada Highway into Trans Canada Street. It would be a much longer street than Yonge Street. And the best part? It doesn’t go near Toronto.

Nice lie you tried to spread to the world, Toronto. But it’s time to let this one go.

Posted in Geography, History, Politics, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Two Thoughts II

Posted on 12 February 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I’m sick to death with governmental misdirection in the recession.

In order to trumpet job creation, government leaders sometimes fail to mention that some jobs created are part time. They love to give the stat of how many total jobs they’ve created.

And, in Canada at least, many temporary employments were started in the construction industry. This was because it was decided to help employment by building infrastructure. So the one or two year jobs created are not differentiated from private sector jobs. It’s now quite well known that you can’t expect to work for an employer your whole life. Still 20 years is not out of line to expect from private sector jobs. Still the government equates the 20 year job with the one or two year construction gig.

And gig, I think, is the ultimate goal of government. As the son of country musicians I know that my dad would go looking for jobs every once in a while. Each playing date – lasting only so many hours – he called a job. So be suspicious next recession when the government talks about creating more jobs than the nation has people. They’re just gigs that are a few hours long.

In winter, the best hand covering is a mitten. However many of the more vain of us, or the more practical, who want to use their fingers in winter, use gloves.

The base of the hand has enough warmth to keep the whole hand warm in a mitten. In gloves, the base of the hand is separate, and the fingers cool much faster. The pinkies are the first to cool.

So what I’ve done with gloves is retracted my pinkies from the pinkie fingers of the gloves. There, my pinkies are rewarmed by the base of the hand.

So my hands are straight except for the curled up pinkie fingers. Now correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t this the opposite of curling up your fingers to grab a dainty cup while leaving your pinkie to remain straight.

Isn’t this dainty cup holding thing seen as being a bit effeminate? So wouldn’t that mean that what I do in my gloves is super masculine? Take that all you people in nicer climates. I may freeze this time of year but I am more masculine.

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