For the ten millionth time I ‘ve seen an ad for Flo Rida’s latest album. The Flo Rida where the capital F is the state of Florida with two bars attached to finish the F. Normally I would try my best to ignore such a commercial but this time I wondered what other people in other states were going to do to wrap themselves in patriotic regionalism to get a recording contract.
The first state I thought about trying to be similar was California. Similarly, my division, Cal I. Fornia, almost makes sense, has the first syllable of a name and almost sounds sexual. Best of all the state of California lends itself well into making a capital C with the addition of two bars.
As a Canadian and thus always thinking about getting a green card (that card that allows non US nationals to work in the States) I realized my idea might not get me an actual green card but who in the US would throw me out when I wrapped myself so strongly in the American flag, even if it was just a regional flag?
So I’m gonna call myself rapper/singer/songwriter Cal I. Fornia and head south. I can show them my novelty song on Youtube: Time for an Old Fashioned Folk Off.
Here’s how I think it will go down. I will steal jobs willy nilly from promising American acts. “But look how patriotic this guy’s name is!” will be brought up every time there is a question about my American origins. So I will go unencumbered from state to state till finally I end up in the great state of California.
Others in California will be just as patriotic about that state and will want to check out how much competition I offer. Immigration officials will come but won’t kick me out of the states right away. Instead they’ll take their time hemming and hawing.
Until an immigration security officer comes around who has a bone to pick with me because I got a gig that his brother wanted. He will come up to me and say “Baja!”
“Aha?” I will ask. “What do you got.”
“I do have something, but I said Baja. As in California.” From there he will proceed to make a Baja California, Cal I. Fornia logo as pictured below. “You’re just another queue jumping Mexican. I need to see your papers.” The anti patriotic logo will of course be my undoing.
They will mistakenly deport me to crime riddled northern Mexico. Hopefully I will have made enough money to fly back to Canada.