Duke Minus

The Midas touch is the story of King Midas and how he got his wish for everything he touched to be turned to gold. This made Midas happy until he realized he would starve to death because he couldn’t eat gold.

Praying to Dionysius is supposed to have resolved the dilemma. Some say the Midas touch was removed. I say that Midas kept his touch for everything except eating and drinking.

But wait, what of his loved ones? Well it’s true they would be turned to gold but parenting older children can be done without hugs and kisses. Nannies would of course raise a king’s youngest children.

As for romantic attachments, that may have been impossible in other centuries. But we live in the 21st century and robots can be made out of gold. King Midas might have to divorce his wife but he could marry a golden robot.

Prince Milos was more humble. The gift he asked for was the Milos touch. Or Midas’ ability only things just changed to silver for him. This might feel like such a lesser gift. But the fact is if Midas existed previously, gold prices must have plummeted making the silver gift just as useful.

Besides, Prince Milos could see the silver lining in this.

A silver robot would be just as easy to produce as a golden one. So Prince Milos could live happily ever after – just like Midas.

But to stop the insanity of these touching gifts the god(s) must stop the process in some way. Unbeknownst to him, Duke Minus was given the worst touching magic of all. Everything he touched would turn into dookie. Except of course his food and drink.

Revealing enemies for what they really are might be fun for awhile. But really it’s impossible to make a robot wife out of dookie. So Duke Minus would pray and pray for this curse to be lifted. But the god(s) saw that they had been too lenient before so they held firm.

Finally Duke Minus read about a fantastic, nameless monster that could eat anything at all. So he vowed that he would suicide and have the creature eat him.

They meet on a hill in the wilderness. The creature seems to understand Duke Minus so he warns it to inhale him such that his body touches no esophagus and only gets burned by the fire in the belly of the creature.

The creature did as it was told and it was successful. A few days later Duke Minus’ creature passed the Duke and it became a dookie.

Now it is said that humans once made dookies of gold and silver. But now we have a little Duke Minus in each and every one of us so this is no longer true.

About Larry Russwurm

Just another ranter on the Internet. Now in the Fediverse as @admin@larryrusswurm.org
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