The Many Rants of Larry Russwurm

Water Roads

Posted on 23 December 2017 by Larry Russwurm

“Well,” the tour guide explained to the aliens aboard the gondola, “We humans accidentally had the city of Venice sink beneath the waves. But before that happened, for a long time it sank slowly and we were treated to some fine centuries where the city had water roads and gondolas plied those city streets and it was oh so beautiful.

“So, not to be too saddened when Venice finally disappeared beneath the waves, humanity made a pact. We would build great cities on the seashores and then flood the streets with arctic and antarctic ice. We used global warming as our tool for this mega engineering effort.

“I’m sure that most of you have found that burning fossil fuels leads to global warming and the flooding of much of the coasts. We realized this and also realized because of the beauty of Venice, that we could continue the global warming making all our coastal cities Venices.

“Unfortunately architecture could only manage two thousand foot buildings when the flooding started. But still that flooding led to the beauty of Manhattan on gondolas. The tallest buildings rise over a thousand feet.”

“It is especially beautiful on July 13, today, also known as Manhattan henge. We ply the river roads in our gondola as the summer sun sets slowly. In only a few more moments the sun will be setting and lighting up our cross streets with a beautiful glow on this day. You can already see the colours in the sky as you gaze west. In a moment the setting sun itself will appear.

“So we humans were smart to burn most of our fossil fuels. And now we are a big tourist destination despite still being behind the United Worlds in technical prowess.

The aliens might not have been savvy enough to question these lies. Still one alien said, “I’m just questioning if you burned all your fossil fuels in city centres. I mean that could lead to premature death amongst air breathers. It certainly wasn’t viable for we Sorrhinnians. We had to halt our industrial ways for a while in order to save lives.”

The tour guide was quiet for many long seconds. Finally he began quietly, “Doesn’t everything beautiful have a -”

Beautiful light shone on the gathered aliens so the tour guide turned around and said much more loudly, “Behold the setting sun of the mighty Manhattan henge of the Earthlings!”

Posted in Geography, History, Science, Science Fiction, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged arctic and antarctic, coastal cities, Earth, fossil fuels, global warming, gondola, industrial revolution, July 13, Manhattan, Manhattan henge, sunset, two thousand foot buildings. thousand foot buildings, Venice, water roads, we meant to do this, what do we tell the aliencs? | Leave a comment

Canada’s Cultural Prosaic

Posted on 16 December 2017 by Larry Russwurm

For those who don’t know, prosaic means boring.

Canada has long been smug about its cultural mosaic. This differs from the American melting pot. Instead of people from different cultures changing to fit in, the official line in Canada is that they don’t have to. They can keep those parts of their culture that doesn’t restrict the rights of others to do the same. Or parts that do not go against the laws of the land.

A mosaic is of course different coloured pieces fit together to make something unique.

Although this sounds very fine and is possibly an improvement on the American system, in practice it ends up being not quite true. Because of bragging rights, most cultures promote their sanitized versions. You know, mention the good parts but just don’t mention the bad parts of your culture.

Of course other cultural differences abound. We just don’t dwell on the nasty parts. So each diaspora has different clothes, different dances and different holidays. This is the stuff we present. Like Oktoberfest (German) in my city of Kitchener, Caribbana in Toronto (Caribbean peoples festival), and St. Patrick’s day for the Irish, specific cultures are celebrated. There are many other celebrations at cultural clubs and theatres and anywhere different cultures can be found. But it is all the good stuff and thus can be bland.

Anyone who knows anything about writing knows that at least half of writing fiction is when things go wrong. Things have definitely gone wrong in many cultures. That can make things more interesting. I’ve heard it said that no one will be entertained by a perfect Utopia. Canada could light up its cultural prosaic if we talked more about the bad things.

Bad things like genocide (Germans, Turkish people, Rwandans, Serbs), the hundred years war (really Britain and France?), the nuclear powers all thinking they’re big shots (USA, Russia, Britain, France, India, China, Pakistan, Israel, North Korea), the Spanish Inquisition, etc. It sure is interesting but there is just one problem. There are so many bad things that if you looked at them all at the same time it’s so depressing that you seize up – but your mind continues to go to scary places.

So maybe a cultural prosaic is the way to go. Just so we don’t terrify ourselves. Fear motivates but I still believe that the things that motivate the most are positive. Fine, I can handle a little blandness. Just so we keep our positivity.

Posted in Geography, History, Humour, Politics | Tagged America, Canada, Caribbana, Caribbean, cultural clubs, cultural mosaic, excitement can sure be scary, genocide, German, Irish, Kitchener, melting pot, nuclear powers, Oktoberfest, prosaic, St. Patrick's Day, Toronto, Utopias are boring, war | Leave a comment

The Golden Age of Alcohol

Posted on 9 December 2017 by Larry Russwurm

The evils of alcohol were delineated all across North America which eventually led to prohibition, or the dark ages for alcohol. Of course many people were addicts of alcohol so they maintained their supply no matter how severe the penalties. This of course led to the repeal of prohibition and to less overt crimes and criminals.

Then came a long period of time which were the normal days of alcohol. This lasted for a good fifty years. But eventually the other extreme began to be reached.

The mystery of the French began to be “solved”. How could a people eat such a high fat diet and not have the resultant shortening of lifespan that was expected from this? Scientists began to focus on red wine and especially resveratrol. The claim began in earnest that red wine in small daily doses was good for life expectancy.

The rest of the alcohol industry saw this and began to get a bit jealous. It started simply. White wine has resveratrol, only in smaller quantities than red wine.

Then more odd studies began to be done and the surprising conclusion was that all alcohol could be good for your health.

This was the golden age of alcohol. The earliest shots across the bow were that binge drinking alcohol is bad. Binge drinking was defined as consuming more than one or two servings in a day. This small amount is not how most North Americans consume alcohol. Most people would rather binge on the weekend and spend the rest of the week alcohol free.

Maybe North Americans could change their habits away from binge drinking and thus live longer lives. With alcohol of course.

But now, some studies have come out documenting the one or two glasses a day thing and are saying that alcohol is bad for you no matter how it is metered out. It looks like we have hit the end of the road for alcohol being good for us.

There are even rumblings that resveratrol is not that good for you. Maybe there’s another reason for the imperviousness of the French to their indulgent diets.

Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or a few of the alcohol giants had bankrolled the earlier studies that showed alcohol was a plus. Indeed their business might have reached a peak after all those pro alcohol studies.

Those of us who were more likely to binge than meter out alcohol can now laugh at the allegedly responsible alcohol metering types. Now we can laugh and say “At least I get a buzz.”

Regardless, I expect the future alcohol studies to say that alcohol, if anything, is a minus to your health. Especially when you drink at alcoholic levels. I think the golden age of alcohol is over.

Posted in Fashion, Science, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged alcohol, alcohol good for your health?, binging, dark ages for alcohol, did alcohol giants bankroll some studies?, don't get a buzz with metering, golden age of alcohol, high fat diet does not lead to lesser life expectancy, life expectancy, metering, prohibition, resveratrol, the evils of alcohol, the French | Leave a comment

The Star Wars Crapfest

Posted on 2 December 2017 by Larry Russwurm

Star Wars is half decent entertainment for your buck. There are interesting visuals, a fast moving story and even some growth in the characters at times.

But it isn’t very good science fiction.

Why is this a problem for me? It is what it is. But I don’t see it that way. You see, Star Wars takes up about a quarter of the science fiction section at bookstores now. Another quarter is taken up by Star Trek and whatever happens to have been turned into a movie. Only half of the science fiction section is stuff I would actually call science fiction. The book section could be a good deal richer than it is. But it has been taken over by the toy behemoth that Star Wars really is.

I call it a crapfest not only because of the toys but because of the little thought (beyond cuteness) that has been given to the creatures and things that populate the Star Wars Universe.

If a science fiction writer had come up with the furred huge alien that is Chewbacca, I bet pages would be devoted to this creature suiting up in a giant hairnet. Because if hair is bad for food, it is much worse to the electronics that keep the characters of Star Wars alive. The Millennium Falcon should be one giant clean room. Instead it is an unreliable ship with electronics that don’t always work perfectly. My cat is much smaller than Chewbacca and would have the Millennium Falcon disabled within a month by how much she sheds.

R2D2 needs a translator for English or Lingua Franca or whatever language is spoken on worlds a few galaxies over. Really, wouldn’t a translator feature cost about 50 cents judging by the level of technology in the empire? And a vocalization chip and speaker ought to cost about two dollars. We essentially do this now with the Siris and Alexas of the world.

R2D2 and BB8 both can’t manage stairs or rough terrain well. I suppose this is good for the empire. Because the engineers of the empire didn’t want to make things too difficult for their robots, they managed to make almost every building and important setting easily accessed by wheels. This is good thinking for the warlike inhabitants – some of whom will have to survive with wheelchairs after the battle. Better planning through engineering laziness.

So this is my demand. Give me back the science fiction section of the bookstore and I won’t harp on the flaws of Star Wars. Otherwise…

Posted in Humour, Science Fiction, Stage and Screen | Tagged 1/4 of a bookstore science fiction is Star wars, Alexa, bad science fiction, BB8, Chewbacca, Chewie almost certainly sheds, clean room, entertainment, giant hairnet, Millennium Falcon, most of the Empire is wheelchair compatible, R2D2, R2D2 and BB8 don't do stairs, Siri, Star Trek, Star Wars, the Empire, the rebel alliance, translator, vehicle to sell toys | Leave a comment

The Moon is Not an All Night Nightlight

Posted on 25 November 2017 by Larry Russwurm

Poets, songwriters and prose makers beware that if you don’t observe carefully enough, you might be taken to task for sloppy writing. In this case I’d like to call out songwriter Jason Mraz for his song “Shine”. There was a team of writers on this, so it might be Becky Gebhardt, Chaska Potter, Mona Tavakoli or Mai Bloomfield that could be responsible for the offending lyric. I will continue to mention only Jason Mraz when I mean the team.

Most of the song is fine enough but the overstretch is made in the line: “together they [the Sun and the Moon] would blanket the world with light”. This is simply not true.

Has Jason Mraz spent so little time outside at night that he thinks the Moon is always up at night? I on the other hand have spent time outside at night as an amateur astronomer and for deep sky viewing near the zodiac. I am glad when the moon isn’t out and blinding me to parts of the sky.

Just as the Sun is bad for viewing dim objects like the stars, the Moon is bad for viewing dimmer objects at night.

The only time the Moon is up all night is during the full Moon. Here it rises roughly when the sun sets and sets when the sun rises. This is why the Harvest Moon (a full Moon at the right time) in the early fall is such a blessing – farmers can spend all night harvesting their crops and they will still have the light of the Moon.

At the first quarter or 3rd quarter, the Moon is only up for about half the night. And at the new Moon it is only present on the day side of the sky. You might like those crescent shaped Moons. They are more likely to be up in the daylight sky.

Now had Jason Mraz said “together they [the Sun and stars] would blanket the world with light” he would be entirely correct. Unfortunately he could not rescue the rest of the song where the Sun does the shining and the Moon only reflects. That is because the stars also shine on their own as they are far away suns of their own. Sorry, Jason Mraz. You’re on your own. I can’t save this song.

Posted in Language, Music, Science, Wry | Tagged crescent shaped moon, daylight sky, farmers, first quarter, full moon, Harvest Moon, harvesting, Jason Mraz, Moon, new moon, nightlight, poets, prose writers, Shine, songwriters, stars are far away suns, Sun, the stars, the zodiac, third quarter, Yes | Leave a comment

A Couple Thoughts

Posted on 18 November 2017 by Larry Russwurm

Sonnet insurance stormed onto the airwaves in the last couple years, trying to appeal to optimists. A couple of their slogans were: “Protect your optimism, not just your things”, and “Don’t let anything get in the way of your optimism. Switch to Sonnet.”

I think they thought they had struck advertising gold. Insurance is something that has many, many providers. Sure they might be missing the people that were pessimists but that still left roughly half of the population that this insurance company could appeal to.

Unfortunately for this company they forgot what insurance actually means. Real optimists don’t want insurance. True optimists don’t need insurance. They simply don’t think that anything bad will actually happen to them.

Did you ever notice that employ is a direct synonym for use? That of course means that employers are users, employees are usees, and to employ someone it means to use someone.

This is one aspect of the almost holy jobs that governments announce with much fanfare. Perhaps there should be less fanfare for users. Then every city, of more than a million in North America, might not be slobbering after Amazon’s second hub. This is where Amazon will use 50 000 usees in what I have heard are actually quite crummy jobs.

Posted in Business, Humour, Politics | Tagged Amazon, do they know the mindset to get insured?, employees, employers, employs, insurance, jobs, optimistic advertising, optimists, pessimists, Sonnet insurance, usees, users, uses | Leave a comment

The Secret Origin of Tail Continued

Posted on 11 November 2017 by Larry Russwurm

Posted in Cartoon, comics, Humour | Tagged adult decides fate of its tail, baggy diapers, gym, overweight disguise, secret identity, superhero decision, Tail, universal gym, weight room | 1 Comment

The Insidious Malevolence of Krypton

Posted on 4 November 2017 by Larry Russwurm

Many years ago, the planet Krypton almost stamped out its Kryptonians. I used to think that Kryptonians like Superman and Supergirl and Kandorians were just unlucky that Krypton exploded taking with it many loved ones. But I no longer think that way. Instead I now see the insidious malevolence that is Krypton.

There seems to be no explanation about why Krypton exploded. Maybe it was Kharma. Maybe Krypton was tired of feeling underground nuclear tests, fracking and the mining of its depths.

So Krypton itself might have decided to take the ultimate step – taking its own life in order to wipe out the hated Kryptonians. Hearsay says that it exploded but not before some Kryptonians made it into the safety of space. Well, what they imagined was the safety of space.

But Krypton wasn’t done in its plot against Kryptonians. Those pieces of the exploded Krypton, followed Superman, Supergirl and Kandorians into space. And those pieces of Krypton were detrimental to the surviving Kryptonians health.

Green Kryptonite weakens Kryptonians so much so that too much exposure will kill the Kryptonians. This is the Achilles’ heel of the almost unbeatable Kryptonians that make it to a yellow sun.

Red Kryptonite is also detrimental to Kryptonians. It changes Kryptonians in weird and unexpected ways. These ways can lead to the death of the Krytonians, too.

There are many more types of Kryptonite all of which are detrimental to Kryptonians.

I bet Kandorians are hard at work examining their soil for ways that it might kill the bottle city inhabitants. That soil may seem properly subjugated by the Kandorians but it is looking for a chance – no matter how slim – to kill the Kandorians.

Not only did Krypton manage to stamp out most Kryptonians, it also managed to follow them out into space and threaten the survivors again. Clearly Krypton has it out for its former inhabitants. Maybe one day, Krypton will get the job done of stamping out all Kryptonians.