Properly Wishing Upon a Star

Posted on 25 January 2014 by Larry Russwurm

Wishing upon a star is common practice in our society. But to do this properly, might I suggest you consult an astronomer first or at least listen to my words.

One of the commonest ways to wish upon a star is to make a wish off a shooting star. I’m not sure if this one even works because a shooting star is not really a star. You are really wishing upon a meteor or a meteorite. If you think these burning rocks are enough to make your wish come true, then so be it.

My standing wish for these things, (and I used to see a lot doing astronomy in dark skies) is that any meteorites that make it to earth, don’t destroy people upon landing. And if you ever see a real star suddenly shoot across the sky from a stand still, please alert your local astronomer. Because a real star streaking across the night sky would be going much faster than the speed of light. The tremendous distance of real stars makes this so.

Many have heard and spread the following poem:

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.

The first star you can see at night, is of course the brightest point of light in the sky besides the sun and moon. That is usually not a star. I repeat, the first “star” at night is usually a planet and not a star.

Venus can become the brightest of all the planets. If you insist on wishing upon a star, Venus is always reasonably close to the setting sun when it is in the evening sky. So you can somewhat correct for this.

Jupiter is almost always out, when not near the sun, and is all that time brighter than all the stars. It could however be in the morning sky so it might not be the brightest “star” in the evening because it hasn’t risen yet.

Mars becomes as bright as Jupiter for the portion of its trip around the sun that it is closest to earth. So here is the third chance that you may be wishing upon a planet.

If you are a purist and demand that the point of light you are wishing upon be both the brightest and a star, there are times when this is true. Consult an astronomer to make sure.

I found this bizarre explanation of why you are supposed to wish upon the first star visible in the evening. It assumes you are deliberately seeking Venus and the goddess of love for the wish. The fatal flaw is that Venus is not normally the first star in the evening. Half the time it is in the morning sky and some of the time too close to the sun to be visible.

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Blue Bloods

Posted on 18 January 2014 by Larry Russwurm

In today’s society, much less of our culture involves royals in any form. So to prevent cultural genocide of this facet of existence I would like to share the story of the blue bloods.

Early European royal families, many centuries ago, began to be fascinated by inbreeding. Inbreeding could be a speedy ticket to change. Intent on harnessing this mighty power for themselves, those early royals inbred like crazy.

At the beginning of this grand experiment, they thought it necessary to separate themselves from the rabble. So those early royals had the grand aim of transforming themselves into actual living and breathing blue bloods.

Now no one actually had blue blood, so it was hard to find a good starting place for these royals. But valiantly they tried, inbreeding occurred between all the top royals.

Now some say this fascination with inbreeding and blood might have directly led to the propensity of royals to have hemophilia. Some say this blood disease, which makes it difficult for the blood to coagulate and stop bleeding, can be traced back to Queen Victoria of Britain and beyond.

So the royals of Europe, despite inbreeding as fast as humanly possible, never developed true blue blood. Indeed the best that they were able to do was to spend as much of life inside and away from the sun and tanning booths. Then when their veins show through in their pallid skin, it looks bluish. That is as close as things ever got.

So if you want to do your best to be a blue blood, spend next to no time outside, especially don’t spend time out there working. And no tanning booths please. You may not be breeding with a close cousin but you too might be thought to be royal.

Full disclosure: I am not a royal.

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Death Watch 2024

Posted on 11 January 2014 by Larry Russwurm

I am taking to calling the Mars One mission that is supposed to reach Mars in 2024, Death Watch 2024. It’s stated mission is to send 24 humans to Mars with no chance of coming back.

Recently Mars One announced its choices for the approximately 1000 possible astronauts. I read this article which features Parisian, Florence Porcel. I am taking this article at its word except for the line that calls the mission a “trial resettlement”, as if humans have been on Mars before.

Porcel says, “I have always felt a bit cramped on Earth”. Now I would take the cramped quarters of 21st century Paris over 6 months on a tiny, tiny spaceship. I haven’t seen the specs for the ship but suspect the International Space Station looks huge in comparison.

What does she think she can do on Mars? Run wildly shouting, “Yippy Kiyay”? She can only do that with a spacesuit on. And she only can run for half a tank of air. The vast majority of the rest of her life must be spent indoors tending to the machines to help keep herself alive. This, too, sounds more cramped than 21st century Paris.

Maybe she has a mental definition of cramped. The constant tyranny of survival seems to me to be mentally cramped. But I can’t read her mind.

One facet the article brings up is her intentions with regards to procreation. The article says she added to a statement that she had no plans to settle down or have children.

I now wonder if all the accepted potential breeders are required to have no children for the mission’s duration. If so, I’d like to take the reader on why I’m a critic of this and especially why I’m calling my criticism Death Watch 2024.

Firstly I find myself on the backward side of where I usually argue about space programs. Usually I’m a cheerleader for any space mission be they state sponsored or private enterprise. Be they put on by the United States, India, Space X or Virgin Galactic. So my usual initial position is to be pro any Mars expedition.

With the time frame and the limited resources and the fact this is a permanently one way mission, I think there are going to be premature deaths, maybe of all the astronauts, cosmonauts or taikonauts.

But the very premature death of all is the worst case scenario, so allow me to paint a picture of the best case scenario. With no better information than that Porcel wishes to be child free, I am going to assume that position will carry through for all chosen astronauts. (After all who would bring a child into a mission dubbed Death Watch 2024? (I know that is circular reasoning.))

So let’s assume all the rocketry performs beautifully. All missions successfully land and they establish a colony, perhaps by sheer dedication. And the colony is successfully self supporting for many years as advertised. Indeed it might stay that way for the vast majority of lives that make it to the planet.

It is said that half of all seniors in developed countries need serious intervention and assistance in their final years. So that last person left alive has a 50/50 chance of premature death of about a decade. (There will be no more humans or robots to help). But wait, there are age related illnesses that the 50 percent of unassisted seniors need to utilize on Earth. They need cataract surgery to remain sighted, radiation treatment for some cancers, drug therapies for things that get worse with age. I don’t think the mission can provide many of these cures and therapies we have on Earth.

So that last person, on a flawless mission, with everything operating smoothly as planned, will almost certainly die a decade sooner than on Earth.

That is why I am calling this Death Watch 2024. I am almost certain there will be premature deaths.

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Finally, An Antismoking Ad Smokers Can Get Behind

Posted on 5 January 2014 by Larry Russwurm

Full disclosure: I smoked for 25 years and have been smoke free for the last 7 years. Not that it matters.

The “social nibbler” ad has been blasted to me right around the dial in Ontario, Canada. I can see making this ad and putting it up on the government health site. But to be broadcast as much as it is, there is serious money behind this ad.

Let’s look at the demographic it is being aimed at. That is the social smoker. In my 25 years of smoking the vast majority of smokers I knew were addicted. Only a tiny minority of smokers were social smokers, perhaps 10 percent. In the Canada of today, only 20 percent of the population smokes. So that means the ads are targeting about 2 percent of the population.

But I, and smokers in particular, can get behind this ad because it shows the sheer moochiness and audacity of the social smoker. The ad shows the social nibbler taking part of the food of patrons in restaurants. And not giving back any food himself. Indeed the social nibbler never buys a pinch of food in the entire ad although grabbing tasty amounts from his passive friends.

I applaud the government in showing this leech behaviour for what it really is. You have now rung that bell. Let’s show parasitic behaviour for what it really is. Spread this new ideal from just the smoking demographic.

How about targeting that person that is always bumming money? Show that if you always bum $10 from a victim every week, you are forcing that victim to always have an extra $10. C’mon you advertising yuksters, show us in a funny commercial how to lead that bum to payday loan places where they have to pay for each loan.

Or how about a commercial about politicians? They pull the wool over our eyes in the most basic ways. For instance they tell us they are leading, when if you look at the money that baits them by supporters, you find out that they are simply following the money and not leading at all. That could be a good, funny commercial.

How about it? Let’s put government money toward shaming shameful activities. Even the shameful activities in government. Equal rights for non smokers.

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I’m a Basketballer But I Can’t Stop Wishing I Was a Hockeyer or a Footballer

Posted on 30 December 2013 by Larry Russwurm

It’s winter in Canada and we can’t help but walk down the narrow paths shovelled out of the snow. So grandstanders are a problem.

In summer and the other warmer seasons, grandstanders aren’t so bad. If they take up the whole sidewalk while lost in conversation with each other ignoring passersby, the passersby can move to the grass or otherwise move around the obstructing grandstanders. But in winter this is no longer an option.

I take a page out of basketball when those grandstanders approach in winter. I suddenly stop completely when they don’t move over on the sidewalk as expected. If they hit me and complain I’ll just ask, “Do you avoid walking into posts?” They’ll have no good comebacks to that one.

And mostly it works. After all we’ve all grown up playing basketball where if you move into someone who is still, the foul is against you. Most North Americans have an unconscious understanding of this. Still I wish I could just willy nilly pick up the rules of other sports rather than basketball.

Hockey would be fun. Imagine giving a full body check to someone who wasn’t conscious of their environment like these grandstanding pedestrians. Or football when they’re walking two abreast ahead of you and you can’t pass even though the grandstanders are walking very slowly. Wouldn’t it be fun to do a full tackle of one of the grandstanders?

Of course to do this in real life you should be big and strong enough to handle a fight with these two or more offenders.

So, despite my dreams of football and hockey, I’m just a basketballer. That sport’s approach has provoked zero sidewalk fights in my lifetime. If only there were a better, more satisfying way.

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Yearly Roundup – 2013

Posted on 26 December 2013 by Larry Russwurm

First let me tell you this is my 368th post. So now there is a rant for every day of the year.

I did something I haven’t done before. I added to the main content of two posts this year. The one post was Mountaineers in Space. I only added a sentence to this one. But it contains more jokes. The second post I added to was The Right is Right, But the Left is More Right: the Mathematical Proof. I added a full two paragraphs to this one. It contains a new mathematical proof.

All that’s left to do is to mention some of my favourite posts of the year if you didn’t have a chance to see it the first time.

Johnny Fish Spawn adds a new but familiar mythos to North America. The Insulting Clock Radio goes beyond its initial schtick and into a whole reincarnation thing. Pieing Lou Ferrigno just sounds like fun. Too bad it’s not 30 years ago. Are Plants Drunk Off the Excess Carbon Dioxide? is a different perspective on global warming.

Is the UK a Suffix Snob? sees logic to the mishmash of naming each country’s citizens. Vlad the Neck Biter is this year’s addition to my vampire series of rants. If this keeps up I might write a decidedly different story of vampires someday. Finally, last month’s The Masked Asphalt Chewer carefully walks the line between Superhero and Supervillian.

Hopefully the next year will see more posts I want to spread far and wide. Have a great new year!

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Kiss in Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Posted on 21 December 2013 by Larry Russwurm

kiss1kiss2Congratulations Kiss.

Now with any luck, Yes will be added next year at the proper time.

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Walking on Water: Too Easy

Posted on 14 December 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Walking on water is one of the premiere miracles in the bible. But summing up the miracle by using that stock phrase makes it just too easy for anyone to meet or exceed that deed.

If you have dared to walk on a floor that has that ubiquitous “caution wet floor” sign, congratulations. You too have walked on water.

Now you may argue that the film of water you walked on might not be complete. Fine. Just live in a country with below freezing weather in winter. All you have to do is walk on snow. Sure your foot sinks in but it doesn’t completely sink in all the way down to the grass or sidewalk. You too have walked on water.

Maybe that’s why we like figure skating and hockey. These people are fancifully moving on water and not just walking. So too with skiing, snowboarding, bobsledding, tobaganning etc.

But wait you say, what about water 10 feet deep and 50 feet across? Walk on that water. In summer when it is a pure liquid.

Well maybe I can’t. But if I could skip across that water, isn’t that even more fanciful? According to this article the important facts to know for stone skipping are spin, angle, speed and shape. If I were to put a human in a suit that was almost flat with rounded edges (the stones that skip most easily across water are this shape) and throw and spin them just right with a proper machine, the human in the suit should skip across the water. No word on whether the spin will make them puke thus nullifying the awe factor.

Indeed people now have a need to surpass walking on water in order to get a reaction. That is why George Lucas named his hero Luke Skywalker. And trust an ex gospel singer like Katy Perry to try to one up Jesus with the song Walking on Air. (If you haven’t heard it yet, I’m betting it will be a single in a month or two). But aren’t these artists just saying something that might not be real?

Indoor skydiving is the sport of floating on the updraft of a vertical wind tunnel and fan. It looks like it is very fun and safer with less to know than with actual skydiving. I’ve seen it on television so I’m sure visuals would be available somewhere on the internets.

But this is just floating. Sure you can lock and unlock positions to go up or down. But maybe here, walking on air is more fanciful.

Well how about skipping on air? We have this nice explanation and graphic for a potential spaceship to skip off Earth’s atmosphere upon reentry. The big players in space like the US, Russia or Europe haven’t tried this yet. So to India or China perhaps this would be a way for you to make a name for yourself in space travel.

Learn about the Hypersoar airplane that could travel from Chicago to Rome in 72 minutes, by (what else?) skipping off the atmosphere. It’s in the middle/end part of this article about stone skipping.

As you can see from all of this, walking on water now seems to be a little primitive.

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National Boss’s Day

Posted on 12 December 2013 by Larry Russwurm

I’ve only heard of National Boss’s Day over the last little while. At the time of writing this, it is nowhere near that special day and I refuse to promote it to you. Since I am between bosses right now allow me to offer an unbiased view of this special day.

First of all, according to this Wikipedia article, it was first registered as a special day at the Chamber of Commerce. Were you expecting it to be registered at a union? And the woman who registered it first worked for … her father. Maybe that’s not quite incestuous but it certainly is nepotism.

In my humble opinion every day is boss’s day. Some might work hard but others don’t. Some are competent but some are not. Some raise the level of their business. Others run it into the ground. And many bosses are ogres. Remember you cannot spell boss without SOB.

Some of you want to remind me that it’s not necessarily the boss’s fault. Many bosses have their own bosses. I say let’s go right to the top. How about the CEO or COO or whoever is running a big business? These high placed individuals constantly remind us that their bosses are the shareholders. Let’s start the giving of National Boss’s Day there. I say that all CEO’s should give flowers or candy or at least a card for every share of their company.

Let’s not stop at the private sector. The public sector enjoys the presence of bosses, too. The top of my federal government is prime minister Stephen Harper. And he says that the voters are his bosses. If he wants a gift for National Boss’s Day he’d better be sending out his own gifts to all the voting aged people in the country.

Oh and I challenge Stephen Harper and the CEOs or COOs to do all of this with their own money. After all, that’s what your staff is forced to use.

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The Lottery in Babyl- er- Ontario with Apologies to Jorge Luis Borges

Posted on 7 December 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Some of you may have heard this lottery story. A Hamilton woman will be 50 million dollars richer next month. Not because she proved she had the winning ticket by handing it in for the claim, but because the lottery corporation hunted her down.

The woman lost the winning ticket and to this day doesn’t know where it is. The corporation knew which retailer sold the winning ticket. There are cameras in the store showing who came in at what times. I’m going to ignore the big brother aspect of this for the remainder of this post. The retailer was paid for the winning purchase by the odd dollar value of $16. The winner’s credit card showed a $16 charge on that day by that retailer.

Now, if I’m clear that you no longer need a winning ticket to win the lottery, doesn’t that mean that someone who didn’t play can now win, too? If so, I’d like to have my name put down for the next lottery draws, too. Of course if the regular lottery players find out I won without paying, they might question why they even paid. I think this makes it even more exciting. The buyers of lottery tickets are thus being punished by the lottery corporation. The very next lottery they will not pay for.

So the lottery will have to become cashless. Perhaps the winners can get high ranking positions with the lottery corporation. To make it more interesting they could keep punishments as part of the lottery. Perhaps losers could get a pie in the face. How exciting.

I bet the lottery would become more exciting with even more ways to win or be punished. If you want to see what form the lottery will take in the end, I suggest you read Jorge Luis Borges’ The Lottery in Babylon. If you’re impatient and wish to see a summary, then follow this link.

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