To Boldly Go Where Men Have Gone Before

Posted on 23 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

By now many of you who are old Star Trek fans will have heard the news that James Doohan’s (Scotty’s) ashes have made it into space. And I bet some of you are thinking neat, and I’d like to put my own ashes into space.

But not all articles have explored the totality of this end of life adventure. The ashes are only meant to stay in space for about a year. After that time they are expected to break out of orbit and burn up on reentry to Earth.

SpaceX and cohorts, who put Doohan’s ashes into space, charges about $3000 per gram of ash sent into space. At about 2 kg of ash per full human left after cremation, SpaceX and cohorts are charging $6 000 000 per full human’s ashes sent up there (is there new meaning to the phrase ‘6 million dollar man’?). This is quite a lucrative business.

Perhaps there is a cheaper way of reburning ashes and spreading them around the world? How about reburning them with a welding torch, fusion experiments or blasting them with a particle accelerator. Then a humble plane could spread around the world anything that is left. I’m sure there are less costly alternatives with results the same.

Fine, you want to actually go to space in death if you haven’t done it in life. James Doohan did manage this feat.

But hopefully I will die much later than James Doohan. Hopefully private spacecraft keep expanding their capabilities and on my death, I will be able to send my ashes outside of Earth orbit and preferably out of the solar system altogether.

Then at last the Star Trek Dream will be mine. To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Posted in Science, Stage and Screen, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Monopoly Pricing

Posted on 19 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

In this first story Spacex (provider of space flights) decides to partner with Bigelow (potential maker of a private space station). This of course means less competition in space and thus lesser incentives to improve technologies and pricing.

But this first step toward a merger doesn’t worry me nearly as much as this next story. It’s the American Congress’s idea to go with only one company for America’s space needs. One company. Does Congress know nothing about private enterprise?

I bet they’ve been believing the lie that free enterprise is always more efficient than government. This is only true if there are a number of companies to compete with.

Sure there is some redundancy amongst the different free enterprise companies. One company can solve this problem by eliminating this waste spending.

But with no one to compete with, the savings will go directly into the shareholders pockets. After a little while, the lone company will start monopoly pricing. Which, if previous monopolies are any indication, will be more expensive than even the government cost when they were running things.

You don’t get cost savings with monopolies. The four companies that NASA is playing off against each other, just might be a strategy that works. Maybe Americans don’t know how bad one or two companies controlling a whole industry is because there are usually many more companies in the large American market.

Canada is a much smaller market so the government sometimes has to legislate more competition. At other times, Canada has allowed monopolies but only with an arm of government set up as a watch dog that can set prices so the monopoly doesn’t gouge consumers.

Shame on the American Congress. I wonder who is buying them out. Or which lobbyist is so silver tongued they got the politicians to believe their lies. NASA has the right idea.

The only joke in this post is American Congress. And I’m not laughing.

Posted in Business, Humourless, Politics, Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Five Dollar

Posted on 16 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Reginald was mighty proud of his magazine. It was a masterpiece he thought but never vocalized or his friends and acquaintances might think he was vain. It was so good, that for the purposes of this write up, we shall not sully the magazine by offering any of our homely outlines of it or its stories.

Reginald figured it would make a profit by selling it at four dollars a copy. But then Reginald had a master stroke of an idea. His readership might easily forgive a five dollar a copy price with the following beautifying the cover:

So Reginald distributed the magazine himself. The retailers seemed excited when they saw the content and were happy with their half of the price.

Reginald could not resist testing the waters after only a couple days of his magazine being for sale. He went to the first retailer he had signed on to his magazine and asked how they had sold.

Belle said there was much interest in the magazine. But there had been a lot of confusion about the price of the magazine. With anxious potential buyers, Belle agreed that the price must be one dollar, because there was nothing else to go on. This seemed to be popular with the customers so in only those two days she had sold out.

Belle was so happy with this low cost magazine with its high volume sales, she wanted many more copies to sell for next month. Reginald explained that the cover price was meant to be read as $5.

The next retailer Reginald saw was a more rational seeming Greg. Greg, too, had some confusion with the price. He had taken the magazines off the shelf when he noticed and put them on his counter, wrapped in a string to go back.

But many people had seen the magazine and very much wanted it. It all came to a head that first evening as a group of customers demanded that he logic it out. “But all we can agree on is that there is a dollar sign with nothing behind it!” Greg had tried.

“Exactly”, said one of the group, “that must mean no dollars. So we can take our copy for free.”

“Not so fast,” Greg had said. “It says no dollars but how many cents does it mean?”

“Well it must be less than a dollar. But how much less?” asked one in the crowd.

“Look at the prices of my other magazines,” said Greg. “This would be a bargain at 99 cents.”

The crowd agreed and Greg sold his magazines at that rate. They all sold. Finding this, Reginald just harumphed and left.

The third retailer had Reginald’s unsold magazines tied up with string at the front counter. “Whew,” said Reginald, “at least you didn’t sell them at a loss like some others have.”

“That’s right. But it was hard not to. There’s so much interest in them at $1. But I disagreed with my customers. All we could agree to was that the price is not $5.”

“But that is the price,” said a shocked Reginald.

“But the cover has a five that has been stroked out. How be I ink in a 4 and that’s what we sell them as?”

As Reginald’s trip wore on he was to find out this was a good deal. He never made another magazine again.

Posted in Art, Business, Humour, Mathematics | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

At Last Scarlett Johansson Lives Up to Her Name

Posted on 12 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

If you’ve been hiding under a rock and hadn’t seen Scarlett Johansson in red hair, then see the Avengers movie out now. She plays the character the Black Widow in it with a newfound scarlet mane.

But wait, you say, she finally lives up to her real name, but not her character’s name. So expect Scarlett to sport black hair in her next role as Rachel Green in the new and revamped Friends movie.

I know what you’re going to ask, does this mean she will sport green hair in her next , next role? Well rumour has it there will be a live action, adult Peanuts movie where our Scarlett will sport the green hair. She will be playing the character Violet.

Scarlett’s next, next, next role will have her wearing her hair purple as Delores Brown in the screen adaptation of Jim Croce’s song, Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.

Expect Johannson’s hair to be Chestnut when she plays one of the Indigo Girls in a biography of the musical group.

And finally, expect her with bluish hair as a new take on Frank L. Baum’s Wizard of Oz comes to the screen as she plays the Straw Woman.

After this I’m told she can freely take any role. I suspect she will go back to blonde for this.

You probably think this article is over. But it’s only over if there is no Avengers II. When that series starts again, her hair must be red and she will reprise her role as the Black Widow.

For some reason, I doubt she will ever live up to her last name as Johan’s son. There’s just too much money to be made as a colourful woman.

Posted in Fashion, Humour, Stage and Screen | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Rotting as a Virtue

Posted on 9 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

It’s not just one foodie (a self appointed food expert) that has put forward rotting as a virtue. It is many. They take pictures of food that just doesn’t rot and laugh at it as if it had no nutritional value at all. And then they turn around to us and say the best foods are ones with an expiry date. In other words, they value food that rots.

So let’s extend this idea. Almost everyone will agree that rotten eggs are probably the grossest food when rotten. Shouldn’t this mean that it is also the best for you? Foodies? This seems a rational position from your original hypothesis.

And doesn’t rotten meat make us the sickest and makes us more likely to die than other rotten food? If this rotten food is the worst doesn’t it follow that when fresh it is the best?

If these extensions are correct, then vegans might not like being held up to this truth. Make that TRUTH. Although vegan food rots, it is not quite as objectionable when it does so.

Natrel, what are you doing? Filtering milk!? In doing so you are artificially increasing the length of time the milk will last tasting fresh. This is horrible. Your milk must be way more unhealthy than ordinary milk.

And what of those connoisseurs of the unnatural – those who exist off food that keeps the longest? Preppers and Survivalists stock as much food as possible to get through the “end times crunch”. They expect their food to last years, even decades. I bet many of them have tried their future diet out.

But wait, do we have people who have been forced to exist for long periods of time off nothing that was fresh? In wars we have. In exploration, including keeping a presence in Antarctica we have. And if we ever successfully send a team to Mars, quite possible their diet will measure years without anything fresh.

So I think when people come back from wars, we should call them mutants. When people come back from exploring we know their diet made them a crime against nature. When those brave astronauts come back from Mars we should shun them for being made up of food so unnatural.

Being made up of only food that rots will make us rottenly superior.

Posted in Fashion, Humour, Pseudo Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hey-Zeus, the One True God with Massively Multiple Personality Disorder

Posted on 5 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Hey-Zeus entered the heavenly prayer room. This was that ingeniously designed room that amplified prayers from all over the world so Hey-Zeus could easily hear them.

“Hail Almighty God,” came one prayer. Hey-Zeus answered “Yo!” a word that would echo in the minds of all present around that prayer.

“Glory be to Allah,” came another prayer. Instantly Hey-Zeus’s personality shifted and “Mo’!” echoed in the minds of all assembled where that prayer was uttered.

“Mercury, make me fleet of foot just like you. If you exist.” Hey-Zeus flipped personalities and laughed. That’s right, the Olympics were coming soon. “Zoom!” would sound in the mind of the lone athlete praying silently.

“Mighty Thor send down your lightning crashes,” requested a storm chaser. “Boom!” answered Hey-Zeus.

Then came a prayer the likes of which Hey-Zeus had never heard before. “I am but a humble pastafarian, oh Flying Spaghetti Monster. With your noodly goodness smite the deniers of your abilities.”

It came with as much as a shock to Hey-Zeus as anyone. Suddenly a switch occurred and Hey-Zeus was a blank slate personality with only “Flying Spaghetti Monster” to go by. So he switched to that form and flew to Earth to the place the prayer was uttered.

It had taken Hey-Zeus so long to fly to his invoker that his target had slammed her front door and the intended targets of her curse were no longer in the vicinity. Hey-Zeus tapped on the window of the room his invoker was in. She paused and looked in disbelief at her Flying Spaghetti Monster. But in order to tap on the window the Flying Spaghetti Monster had to sit on the window ledge and just looked like some limp spaghetti with eyes.

The invoker pulled open the window wide and yelled “Not funny you evangelistic turds!”

Hey-Zeus floated back into the air. “Wha?” said his invoker and Hey-Zeus knew he had made a solid impression.

“Your belief in me has made me real.”

“Woah, with the booming voice, you’re going to give me a headache.”

“Who was it you wanted me to smite?”

“Shouldn’t you know? Who’s behind this? Jessie, are you there?”

“I exist and I wish to please my believer. Who do you want smote?”

“You would look pretty impressive to those Jehovah’s witnesses. I’ll get my video recorder. This’ll be great, Jessie!” The invoker pulled the camera out of a drawer from the kitchen. “Let’s go. I’m hoping you know which way they went.”

“As you wish. Was it a party of 2 going door to door?”

“Yes. You mean you just got here? Coincidence?!

“2 evangelists just got kicked out from another door around the corner.” Hey-Zeus pointed with a noodly appendage.

The invoker followed. “Just don’t smite, smite them. I don’t want to cause a physical fight.”

Hey-Zeus was disappointed. Most of his personalities liked some violence. But he listened. This personality had to learn as it went.

They caught up to the pair of evangelists. “I told you about my god! But you didn’t listen so I brought proof. Cower before the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodly goodness!”

Finally having a job to do, Hey-Zeus did some flying acrobatics then finally arose above the pair. In a deep, deep voice that shook the nearby ground Hey-Zeus said, “COWER BEFORE MY SHEER AWESOMENESS!”

One of the pair fell to one knee. The other set his jaw. Using his powers, Hey-Zeus forced the pair to tremble for half a minute. Only after this did he let go and the pair stumbled/ran for their car two blocks away.

His invoker laughed. “That voice was pure awesomeness, Jessie. Come here Flying Spaghetti Monster. I want to try some of your noodles.”

Hey-Zeus just figured this was part of being a pastafarian, so he offered a noodle.

The invoker loved the taste so much she kept breaking off more and more noodles. Eventually most of the spaghetti was gone.

“Great flavour, Jessie,” said the invoker. “I wonder what the features taste like. I imagine the eyes are like the also unblinking candy eyes of chocolate bunnies.”

Hey-Zeus took this as an order by his believer and flavoured himself accordingly.

Finally Hey-Zeus was no longer visible. “Jessie, I’m done if you want to show your face, now,” said the invoker.

But Jessie never did.

Posted in Humour, Pseudo Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Glowing Hearts

Posted on 2 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

For the 2010 Winter Olympics, VANOC (Vancouver Organizing Committee) trademarked the phrase, “with glowing hearts”. Now most of you might not be Canadian so you thought “So what?” but this phrase is known to all English speaking Canadians because it is part of our national anthem. In other words, VANOC trademarked something that was in the public domain. Generously, VANOC allows Canadians to still use their national anthem as is.

I’m no trademark lawyer but doesn’t VANOC’s trademark lose some of its clout if it does nothing about possible infringements of its trademark? Like for instance Katy Perry’s use of a similar line in her song “Firework”. It goes, “like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow”. It’s not just her use of a similar phrase that is galling – she even copyrighted this song in 2010 and of course VANOC’s prime concern was in early 2010.

C’mon VANOC, send a take down notice to Youtube. Everybody and their kid sister with the least of copyright claims already has.

And then there is a recent Becel Margarine commercial. In it they use a symbol that is almost literally a glowing heart. You could say, “with glowing hearts” they made this ad. I said almost because real hearts don’t look like the universal symbol for hearts. I don’t know why VANOC isn’t being more territorial with its trademark.

Could it be that VANOC is scared because Katy Perry made a mint off her last album and can afford to defend herself vigorously in court? Or that Becel is a huge brand with tons of marketing behind them, and thus money?

Maybe VANOC is scared that trademarking something in the public domain won’t withstand a challenge. And they already pissed off 30 million Canadians, do they really want to piss off almost 300 million people who’ve watched Firework on Youtube?

On second thought, a quick inspection on Youtube failed to drum up the glowing yellow heart and that Becel ad. Perhaps VANOC is working their lawyer magic as we speak. I’m sorry Katy Perry fans for outing Firework. And then I guess I’ll be next with my glowing hearts title. The VANOC monster will bury us all.

Posted in Business, Humour, Music, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Name Vetting

Posted on 28 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

A few years ago, a friend mentioned to me that he liked the name Brian for a boy. One of the reasons he gave for liking the name was that it was a name that wasn’t easily insulted. Of course my brain immediately tried to corrupt Brian. It was easy, in fact. I mentioned flyin’ Brian, cryin’ Brian and my personal favourite, Bri – ANN.

I learned to corrupt names as self defence. My name is usually the first one people think about trying to corrupt when I’m in a group. Maybe my name isn’t as bad as Gaylord Fokker or Mo’ Lester, but still I try my best to dish out as many barbs as I take in. So over the years I got good at it.

I’ve even managed to corrupt the name Jeffrey, a name which 3 elementary school tormentors had. I wish I had been as adept at corrupting names back then. There is of course the obvious deaf Jeff which I never thought of in elementary school. Then there is the less obvious bereft Jefft. And finally I thought of “Ju’ Free us from JeFree”.

I am now ready to offer my services to prospective parents who wish to know the worst that can be dished out with the names of their children. They can change the name to something less troubling for their child to grow up with.

Have you not heard other people say that calling children certain names is child abuse? People might smile at Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue”, but I’ve never known anyone to actually name a male child Sue. So I think the service I would offer would be valuable.

So, say you give me $10. I’ll work on whatever name you give me and its corruptions for a full half hour and then send you the results. You might be okay with the corruptions I found for the given name. Then you can proceed to name your child since the name has been properly vetted.

Or you could go it alone.

Perhaps you’ll go for a biblical name. After all, hasn’t the creator himself vetted these names? I would say no. Perhaps you would go for the name Joshua. You might realize that whenever people are Joshing they’ll point to him. Or say “Oh my gosh, it’s Josh,” thus taking the creator lightly along with your son.

Or maybe you’ll think popular culture has adequately vetted your names for you. Like say the show Friends where Rachel and Ross’ baby was named Emma. They didn’t vet fully, either. Flem Em, comes to mind. And if enough people named their daughters Emma (especially when Friends was current) there could be more than one Em in a class. Then it could be said, “Em and Em have something brown in the centre but it certainly isn’t chocolate.”

Or maybe you wish to name your child something so boring, at first glance it seems incorruptible. How about John? First of all that’s the name of a prostitute’s customers. And the nickname for a toilet. And how about gone John or con John?

There is only one alternative. You must vet the name with me, prospective parents.

Posted in Business, Humour, Language | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Someone Forgot His Oath This Morning

Posted on 25 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

The Green Lantern plummeted out of the sky quickly. Suddenly his ring made a giant green bouncy castle and that is where he landed.

The gathered scientists just coughed and kicked stones, waiting for the superhero to stop bouncing. Finally he bounced out into the throng of scientists. “Whose idea was it to use the Doppler effect to defeat the yellow energy beast?”

All the scientists pointed to Dr. Charles. There was a green flash and then he was gone. “Stupid man. Makes me look like a fool and then wears a white lab coat.”

A brave scientist spoke, “Did you point your beam through the telescope?”

“Yes. I can’t aim it as well without the scope.”

The scientist continued, “What kind of telescope did you use while you were flying so fast toward the yellow energy beast that its colour blue-shifted, Green Lantern, sir?”

“Why a normal telescope, like the one I used as a kid though far bigger.”

“Green Lantern, sir, can you show me a small mock up? It could be important.”

Green Lantern said nothing as his ring gave rise to a green telescope.

“Ahh,” said the scientist. “That’s a refracting telescope. You need a reflecting telescope- one without chromatic aberration that can turn a solid colour into many colours – including yellow. ”

Green Lantern made a book about telescopes appear. “Show me in here.”

The scientist pointed and then a green flash appeared and he disintegrated.

“Let this be a lesson to the rest of you of what happens when you don’t tell me everything I need to know. You’re all so stupid – all in your white lab coats.”

“But we’ve told you how to defeat anything yellow.”

There was a green flash and that scientist, too, disappeared.

“Do we have an understanding?” Green Lantern almost shouted. The scientists mutely nodded.

“Now can you tell me again, how to defeat the yellow energy beast?”

They told him carefully and the instant he was gone all the scientists ran to put on yellow clothes. In case Green Lantern got it wrong again.

Posted in Art, Humour, Science, Science Fiction, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Vampire Theory

Posted on 21 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Check out Darla, the small face in the house, checking out what my two characters are talking about in the yard. Yeah! I checked out layering effects with this Bitstrips scene. I could put the character behind the fence or the tree or in the house as is Darla. But I could go back further, place the figure in the garage window, behind the garage or even so far back they were behind a cloud. That cloud thing is a big thing – you could keep your character at the right size for being in the foreview but when they’re far back, part of their head obscured by a cloud, they will look like a huge monster from far back. So you can make anyone into godzilla sized monster. Maybe that will inspire a cartoon.

Unfortunately I couldn’t get the characters to look like they were in the tree. Also, even though I bent my one character properly to sit in the chair, the closest chair arm disappears behind my character although it should be in front. So there are a couple minor mistakes in the layering of this first scene.

Experiment with Bitstrips scenes or even with things I haven’t discovered at bitstrips.com .

Posted in Art, Cartoon, Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment