The Roman End of Years

Posted on 17 July 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Perhaps we’ll get really lucky and survive past Dec. 21 of this year by the skin of our teeth. This will be in defiance of the Mayan doom but remember we still have other cultures of the world to contend with. Perhaps every single one has an end of days time that could be hard on our civilization.

I know for sure there is an end of years event with the Romans. You may question what this is so allow me to explain.

The Roman numbering system, Roman Numerals, can only go up to the number 3999. So the Romans can only count years up to year 3999. Not our year 3999, but the Roman year 3999. You see, the Romans marked their years from the founding of Rome in 753 BC. So 3999 – 753 (you’ve got to account for the fact there is no zero year between BC and AD) gives a value of 3246 as the year in AD terms when things fall apart.

But wait, there is one more accounting entry to be made. You see, Romans went by the Julian calendar, not the more accurate Gregorian calendar we now use. So typing December 31, 3246 into the Julian calendar entry in a Julian to Gregorian calendar converter, you get the date of January 22, 3247 AD as the last day of that calendar system.

So the Roman end of years is midnight on January 22, 3247 AD. What kind of apocalypse this will lead to we don’t quite know. But be very afraid.

Then similarly the western world’s end of movies will occur on December 31, 3999 AD because of course we won’t be able to decide on a pretentious enough replacement for Roman Numerals to date each movie.

I know some of you are saying aren’t there higher numbers possible with Roman Numerals like putting a line over an M to denote 1 000 times M, or a million. This and other schemes were developed in the middle ages after Rome itself fell. The Romans knew nothing of this which is why their end of years is still valid.

I think a more Roman way to add breadth to its numbering system would be to replace 5 000 with a letter, then 10 000 with another letter, then 50 000 with a third letter and so on. This might delay the End of Years in a marked way. But the Roman alphabet has only 26 letters so this only is a way to delay the apocalypse. The last year possible is 8 trillion 999billion 999million 999thousand 999. I won’t do the Gregorian calendar refinements or the since-the-founding-of-Rome refinements. But the world will end in an incredibly long time in the future even in a severely changed Roman counting system.

It’s just inevitable. So let’s all become preppers and survivalists, now. Maybe a shred of humanity will last.

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The Golden Battle

Posted on 14 July 2012 by Larry Russwurm

There’s been a long simmering battle in the Toronto and south central Ontario area. Two very urbanized areas have laid claim to Golden titles. The Golden titles refer to built up urban areas, which on maps are commonly represented by yellow. The Golden Horseshoe stretches along the shores of western Lake Ontario and includes Toronto, Hamilton and into the Niagara Region (which includes St. Catharines and Niagara Falls). The Golden Triangle Includes the three points of Toronto, Hamilton and Kitchener.

Toronto and Hamilton are included because they are the first and third biggest cities in the province. That’s why they are in both. Metro Kitchener and the Niagara Region are smaller and about the same size as each other.

You might think that Kitchener folk say Golden Triangle and Niagara Region people say Golden Horseshoe. And you’re largely correct. But what do the inhabitants of Toronto and Hamilton say? Well for years, official Ontario maps showed blow ups of the Golden Horseshoe not the Golden Triangle.

The Golden Horseshoe stake was here first, so I suspect it has made more inroads with Torontonians and Hamiltonians.

And indeed, the Golden Triangle concept was developed to explain Ontario’s former status as a manufacturing engine, not as the most built up area of Ontario. It used to be said that 50% of all manufacturing in Canada was done in the Golden Triangle.

I hail from Metro Kitchener so I should take the Golden Triangle tack. But I don’t. You see triangles are everywhere, all you need is three points. Horseshoes are more unique and a Golden Horseshoe sets a part of Ontario apart from the rest of the world.

Still, we’re gunning for you, Golden Horseshoe. You see, Metro Kitchener is growing faster than the Niagara Region and has been for many years. So by dint of sheer numbers, the Golden Triangle might rise.

As for the uniqueness thing, that could change. Toronto has already shown it likes to expand into Lake Ontario. And with ever increasing housing costs, expanding into the lake becomes cost effective. So sometime in the future there will no longer be a western end of Lake Ontario and Toronto will border St. Catharines directly. What would the horseshoe be then? The Golden Blob?

No, I say the Golden Triangle will then have Kitchener, Toronto and Niagara Falls as it’s three points. Hamilton will fit inside this construction. And the Great Lake of Ontario will no longer be so mighty.

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Enunciator of the Year Award

Posted on 11 July 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I would like to make claim to an enunciator of the year award. Since I know of none that have existed before, I hereby give the award to Ivan Doroschuck and Men Without Hats.

For those who don’t know, Men Without Hats were a popular new wave band of the eighties. Their biggest hit was Safety Dance. What I most liked about them are the two albums that followed. Pop Goes the World and The Adventures of Women and Men Without Hate in the 21st Century were both solid albums. Before Men Without Hats, I wasn’t sure that a new wave band could put out a solid album. This is, to me, what sets them above other eighties acts.

Well after a long hiatus they have another solid album out: Love in the Age of War. It’s been out for a couple months but I just found out about it last week. The album has one property that simply shocks me – I can understand every single word in at least half of the songs on the album.

To the last one, every single song put out by the labels that I’ve tried to figure out has usually no less then 2 sketchy lines that try as I might I have to guess at. This wouldn’t be so bad if lyric sheets were included with each album. But the labels try to save money in ways the public is not pleased with.

Thus I was crestfallen when Love in the Age of War came with no lyrics. Certain lines in all the songs might be a mystery to me forever, especially since the online lyric sites consider the album to be too small to have lyrics up yet.

Then imagine my surprise a few days later to realize I could distinguish all the lyrics in not one or two songs but at least 5 of them on the album.

I’ve long bought into the conspiracy theory that the labels deliberately get their acts to slur their words. Or make such a wall of sound that it hides some lyrics. Yeah they want more cowbell on Don’t Fear the Reaper – you can almost understand what the singer is saying.

The problem with this particular conspiracy theory is that motivation seems to be lacking. Maybe in a quest for lyrics, some super fan will buy the sheet music, just to make sense out of their favourite singer. The only other way the labels would make more money (the only one I can think of) is, since they are multinationals, issuing the lyrics with the album in another country might increase sales from imports. I actually heard of someone importing Nirvana’s Nevermind for its lyric sheet.

So in my lifetime of being a music consumer, over 30 years, I think the big labels earned a whopping $2 more from everyone I know by keeping the lyrics mysterious.

Has Men Without Hats bucked the trend completely? No. The Girl With the Silicon Eyes has a couple stanzas that I think are in French. And again, Your Beautiful Heart has a line that I think is French.

Still, I have a chance of learning the lyrics to 8 of 10 of the songs with lyrics on the album. At a week ago, that’s figuring out far more songs than I ever had before on any album.

Or maybe this inability to figure out lyrics has to do with music being international. After all, Men Without Hats are based just 300 miles away in Montreal, in the same country I live in. Perhaps I just understand the accent.

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The 33 Year Old Exes

Posted on 7 July 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Tom Cruise’s three marriages ended when his exes were 33 years old. It happened with Mimi Rogers. It happened with Nicole Kidman. It happened with Katie Holmes.

At first glance, Tom Cruise is the one common denominator in all three marriages. One could speculate that as each female approaches 33 he might become more snippy, more argumentative, more annoying and simply drives each woman away at that age. Maybe he made a pact with himself to never be seen to be married to a 34 year old.

But there is another common denominator. All three wives were in the church of Scientology along with Cruise.

Scientologists are known for extreme secrecy around their religion. Some purport it is like an adventure game where you are allowed more as the game progresses. In Scientology the ‘level ups’ are more information.

Scientology was developed by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. Science fiction writers and fantasy writers are usually considered to be so close it’s incestuous. Of course L. Ron must have known the famous works of Tolkien. Specifically he must have known about hobbits and that their coming of age happens at age 33.

Maybe some ‘level up’ information is given to only 33 year old women. Maybe it contains core principles of Scientology. Or maybe it just lets the women in on the secret that Scientology is just so much hogwash. But after giving the 33 year old women this information it compels them to secrecy.

Of course, getting zealot Tom Cruise to give up on Scientology, at any age is just Tom foolery. So instead these women are left with only the choice to divorce him.

This Scientology cause seems better than the alternative. That being Tom Cruise is making a hobbit out of discarding thirty-three year old women.

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Mobile Naked Scanners

Posted on 4 July 2012 by Larry Russwurm

You’ve probably already heard of the mobile naked scanners, that can see you naked on the street the same way the controversial airport scanners can see you naked.

But, thankfully, much thought will be put into each scanner’s crew. Different specialties will be put into different scanners depending on need. We expect things to play out in the following way:

Men’s crew with a token lesbian just in case a real pat down is necessary. Expect to find this crew at all feminist and women power events. That is of course this crew’s specialty. Since of course they are the truest of feminists and believe in empowering women so much.

Women’s crew with a token gay just in case a real pat down is necessary. Expect to find this crew at sporting events and hard rock concerts. Eventually this crew will weed out the chaff so the hard rock concerts will feature young acts (with young fans) and beer swilling sports fans with pot bellies will of course be assumed innocent enabling the crew to focus on the true agitators.

The youth oriented crews will first try to target schools. When finally it has been explained to them (multiple times!) that teachers are required to have background checks and other adults are required to sign in and are watched, they will move on. These crews will move on to BMX rallies and concerts by such artists as the Wanted, One Direction and Justin Bieber. It might even be found out that a fraction of these crews go on to offences against underage children. That will of course be an unfortunate coincidence.

After some years of these scanners, it will be found that those people considered to be traditionally very attractive, will have a higher incidence of cancer. This, too, will be just an unfortunate coincidence.

So insist your government buys plenty of these x-ray machines. Who knows, maybe the love of your life just needs to have a government job and needs to see you naked first before asking you out. Don’t worry, the sight of all those other naked people won’t have a detrimental effect on your relationship.

As for all you teenage boys wishing to sign up for one of the jobs: at times you will be forced to examine middle age men (and older) with pot bellies and comb overs, just because a tip came in that they have a bomb strapped to their genitals. Yes indeed, mobile scanners will scar everyone.

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Ben Johnson for the Order of Canada

Posted on 30 June 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Let’s look at the good Ben Johnson did. He handled reporters well as an up and coming track star in the eighties.

The steroids he took were not a magic bullet. He still had to train strongly to attain his muscle mass and his explosiveness and speed. Rumours have it that he wasn’t the only track star using steroids in 1988. He was just the one who had his gold medal in the 100 meters taken away.

And he had success before the Seoul Olympics. Perhaps he wasn’t a cheater back then.

I remember how proud Ben made Canadians in the mid eighties. The fastest man in the world lived here. What a turnaround from the Montreal Olympics in ’76 when Canada achieved no gold medals at all.

Some would ban Ben for all time from getting the Order of Canada. Representing some of the highest achievements in all of Canada, the Order of Canada is a privilege to the recipient. Ordinarily I’d agree with Ben being banned. But another famous Canadian cheater, Ralph Klein just got one.

If you don’t know, Ralph Klein was the premier of Alberta when he took a university course. For the purposes of the rest of this article I’ll ignore that the top person in the province was even allowed to take an education course and have it count, when education is a provincial responsibility. Anyway, an essay of Klein’s leaked and it was found to a great degree of certainty that large parts of it were plagiarized from other works.

I know people feel sorry for Ralph Klein, now, as he has developed dementia and has other health concerns. But giving out Orders of Canada out of sympathy seems like a bad precedent. Surely others have had bigger sob stories than being premier of a province.

Does this mean that if Ben Johnson has a protracted illness before death, that he, too, will be given an Order of Canada? I think that is only fair. This puts our famous cheaters on par with one another.

And a small cautionary tale for the kiddies. Notice how Ralph Klein avoided some thinking in his course? They say that to avoid dementia later in life, it helps to exercise the brain regularly. Apparently Ralph Klein didn’t do this and ended up with dementia. Now, cheating in education doesn’t guarantee dementia. But if you wish to minimize your risk you should avoid it.

UPDATE: An anonymous source told me that Ben Johnson does have an Order of Canada and that it has never been taken away. So that mostly eradicates the points I tried to make. My major point was that a major cheater like Ralph Klein (and now Ben Johnson) should not have an Order of Canada. Four other Orders of Canada have been taken away. Maybe we can add these two to that list.

Posted in Politics, Sports, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Suspension of Disbelief Important for Cats and Kids

Posted on 27 June 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I usually play with my cat twice per day with a string. I get frustrated that she ignores the string for a long time, sometimes. I guess she is practising her looking like part of the background skills. Or is waiting for the perfect time to stalk the string.

Getting bored by this I will start making the string go very close to her in a repeating circle. This sometimes still isn’t enough for a reaction so I make the string go so close to her that it hits her in the face. Usually this stimulates a gut reaction in the cat making her swat the string. But sometimes there still is no reaction.

I’m certain she doesn’t react because she cannot suspend her disbelief enough to get into the game. When is the last time in nature you’ve seen a mouse come up to a cat, ten times in a row, and slapped that cat in the face? It just never happens.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that my cat may very well want to play, it’s just that she is too discerning to accept the premises I am offering.

Kids are very likely to play cops and robbers a few times in their youth. Usually this is tried amongst a large group of kids.

There is always one kid in the group who thinks his every shot results in a death. And when others get good shots at him, he never dies. If he is more slick of a player they are just flesh wounds. But more often he says they missed completely.

Kids know that Rambos never happen in real life. When you are shot at 30 times, you are almost certainly dead. When you shoot at 30 moving targets in quick secession you are bound to miss a few shots.

That kid who never dies and always kills, fails to get the other kids to suspend their disbelief. As a result the game ends in arguments and everyone quits and little fun was had all around.

As I’ve gotten older, I find it harder to get sucked in to new fiction. I think it’s because I find it harder to suspend my disbelief. As I’ve gotten to know more and more science or facts, I find many authors haven’t kept up and they will trip up and not let me suspend disbelief.

Myself and others aren’t being anal when we say ‘get your facts right’ to the authors. It’s a simple matter of them not getting the facts we know correct enough for us to suspend disbelief. This makes us not want to play with those authors ever again. Suspension of disbelief is always key in fiction. Something even cats and kids know.g

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Bed Bugs Cause Fatigue

Posted on 23 June 2012 by Larry Russwurm

More information gets circulated about bed bugs as they become more and more common. The pesticides we formerly used on them have been banned. I knew we would become a bit more susceptible to them but a new public information poster on the bus made it seem that we are becoming downright welcoming.

The poster said an infestation of bed bugs can cause fatigue in humans. You heard that right. More fatigue means we’re feeding more bed bugs.

This is as stupid as a hen laying an egg and then picking it up and handing it to the farmer.

This is as stupid as a cow trying to skin herself so her owner could have leather couches.

This is as stupid as a two pigs makin’ bacon but not in the slightly risque way this is portrayed as in country mythology. More like in the sadistic/masochistic way that involves no sex, but involves a knife and plenty of salt.

This is as stupid as a sheep leaving the herd to frolic with the wolves.

This is as stupid as a mouse sneaking up on a cat and noisily unbelling it.

Aren’t humans supposed to be the apex of evolution? I’m reminded that the apex thing is a myth. Sometimes evolution goes upwards. But it’s also likely to go downwards and its most frequent trick is to go sideways. Evolution you are a bitch.

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The Story of the Lost Hijja

Posted on 21 June 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Climate change deniers pose as the other side of the climate change “debate”. Well, I’ve got news for them. Climate change science isn’t the other pole of the spectrum. Indeed climate change scientists are centrists. The other pole of climate change are people who believe the story of the lost Hijja.

The Hijja lived on a world that seemed to suit them all too well. They developed strong civilizations with much culture. They even had science which made them dominate the planet.

But many of their abilities resulted in creating greenhouse gases as a byproduct. There were those that warned of a runaway greenhouse effect as a possibility. But the rulers liked the way things were going and made no early effort to contain their greenhouse gas byproducts.

The planet grew hotter so there was an exodus to the poles and temperate zones. Still, the rulers of the Hijja kept their heads in the sand. Strong political forces tried to keep things the way they were. But temperature kept going up and up.

Finally, desperate mega engineering projects were started to contain the temperature rise. This only resulted in the atmosphere becoming denser. So dense, in fact that, along with the heat, it started to kill off the remaining Hijja. Completely unforeseen in any Hijja science, but just as deadly, were the clouds of sulphuric acid that took to the sky which would rain down from time to time on the miserable, dying world the Hijja had transformed. Not that wimpy acid rain Earthlings talk about but actual face burning acid rain. All the Hijja perished.

What can you say about an alien race that died out? Would you say that it can’t happen here? But the Hijja believers think it happened on neighbouring Venus.

Venus. A planet so miserable that the Russian probes that landed on its surface were melted and crushed so completely that about an hour after touchdown they could no longer communicate home.

Venus. A planet far hotter than Mercury which is nearer to the sun. The only explanation to the higher temperatures is greenhouse gases.

Venus. A planet you can’t explore well enough to disprove the legend of the Hijja. Especially not with continued cuts to space programs.

Let’s not follow the Hijja to doom. Especially before we can escape to Mars or even the Moon. It is believed the Hijja never made it to Earth. They definitely didn’t for the long term.

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C. D. Howe Institute Signals Ontario Mega Rich How to Revolt

Posted on 16 June 2012 by Larry Russwurm

For those of you who don’t know, the C. D. Howe Institute is a Canadian right wing think tank. That is the official story. But when the results are predetermined (right wing) it’s not a think tank, more like a spin tank. Ontario might add taxes to the mega rich in the coming weeks which spawned the institute’s “musings”.

First of all the institute’s brazen product is a threat to the government. They are saying if you do this, in a few year’s time you will make less in taxes than you do now. This is really an unbelievable statement so let’s look closer.

This article I have linked to has one key paragraph on how the revolt is supposed to go:

“Some [wealthy individuals] may choose to substitute more leisure for overtime work, to migrate to a lower tax jurisdiction, to engage in more aggressive tax planning, or to modify forms and timing of compensation, use of tax deductions, and tax avoidance or evasion,” he writes.

Let’s pick on the first two points. Substituting more leisure for overtime work would result in more jobs for the rest of us. And migrating to a lower tax jurisdiction also results in more jobs for the rest of us. And these jobs pay super handsomely. Else the mega rich wouldn’t do them.

Sure the mega rich can engage in more aggressive tax planning or modify forms and timing of compensation. It’s true that the rich are flexible. But so too is the government and tax law. The government can remove some of its loopholes in taxes at any point.

As for using tax deductions, that simply means more charities will get the money. With charities brimming in new found money, this takes some of the strain off social programs, meaning the government will need less.

Finally there is tax avoidance or evasion. You’ve seen the problems organized crime has hiding its money. This is true of any large amount of money. The mega rich will find they have problems and if many take this avenue, many will end up in jail.

Further down in the linked article, they give stats about how the mega rich are paying what is supposed to be more than their fair share. What I find shocking about these stats is that the mega rich make this much more than the rest of us do. They can easily pay a small amount more.

The C. D. Howe Institute will undoubtedly deny they are signalling the mega rich how to revolt. After all, counselling to commit a crime (tax evasion!) is against the law. But the mega rich can easily read between the lines. I just wish there were a left wing shadow institute to call the C. D. Howe Institute on its ridiculous $#!+.

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